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Original poster

Urgent advice needed partner ex has stopped contact today, what now?

26 replies

whatamess100 · 03/04/2024 10:55

Back story, weve had lots of issues with my partners ex and their child over the last 18months, shes a narcissist and a pathological lier, she uses the child all the time. He has their child 5050 ( no court order)
Dp found out last week that she took their daughter to disney, when he dropped her off he asked her mum to let him know next time she takes her out of the country and she flipped. Shouting swearing infont of the child at the door step. Now he is being bombarded with abusive texts acccusing him of all sorts, they are virtually NC anyway and doesnt engage unless its about his daughter pick up ect which usualy its at school but with it being the holidays its from her house. Since she kicked off on monday she is now saying their daughter is unhappy and doesnt want 5050, doesnt like being at our house ect amungst other lies he was ment to collect her today and she has said he can't have her and he will have to go to court to see her. She isnt aware but hes already sorting mediation as a few weeks bk she shouted and swore at him infront of his child so he started it then, he has an assessment monday.

Dp is gutted shes done this and useing her in that way all because he asked her to inform him next time.

What can we do next???

OP posts:
SplitFountainPen · 03/04/2024 11:03

She can't be that bad if they've had 50 50 until now.
Did your partner ask politely eg "oh wow did you have a good time, how come you didn't mention it before, can you let me know next time incase I need to get hold of you or anything"
Or did he go along the lines of "you need my permission to go anywhere, next time you ask me and see if you can".
These things are rarely one sided, and especially in situations where reasonableness of 50/50 without an order has happened.

notnowmarmaduke · 03/04/2024 11:12

keep out of it

Goinggoingone · 03/04/2024 11:16

I think you, or rather your partner need some proper legal advice on next steps. It sounds like regardless of this current issue you would all benefit from having court ordered contact in place.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
SKG231 · 03/04/2024 11:26

SplitFountainPen · 03/04/2024 11:03

She can't be that bad if they've had 50 50 until now.
Did your partner ask politely eg "oh wow did you have a good time, how come you didn't mention it before, can you let me know next time incase I need to get hold of you or anything"
Or did he go along the lines of "you need my permission to go anywhere, next time you ask me and see if you can".
These things are rarely one sided, and especially in situations where reasonableness of 50/50 without an order has happened.

Yet another sexist poster who thinks mums can do no wrong. It is a legal requirement to ask the other parent when wanting to take a child out of the country. If the roles were reversed and this was a woman posting saying their male ex had taking the child out of the country and they didn’t know, people would be up in arms saying how terrible it was of him.

Sparkletastic · 03/04/2024 12:31

How do you know it is a lie about the child not wanting to come to your house?

BoohooWoohoo · 03/04/2024 12:35

Get a Child Arrangement Order

How old is the child btw? I’m assuming primary aged or younger but if she’s say over 12 then her (DD’s) opinion will be listened to and she might do what her mum says to keep the peace.

MonsteraMama · 03/04/2024 12:38

Stay out if it, it's nothing to do with you. It's between him and her and he's doing the right thing arranging mediation with the intent of formalising custody. He's taking all the steps he needs to be taking.

SplitFountainPen · 03/04/2024 12:42

SKG231 · 03/04/2024 11:26

Yet another sexist poster who thinks mums can do no wrong. It is a legal requirement to ask the other parent when wanting to take a child out of the country. If the roles were reversed and this was a woman posting saying their male ex had taking the child out of the country and they didn’t know, people would be up in arms saying how terrible it was of him.

Show quote history

It was a couple of days holiday, not an attempted relocation...
Sounds far more likely that mum was trying to avoid the law being abused by a controlling man who would happily block his daughter from having a holiday to spite his ex than an attempted kidnapping which she decided to return from.
Obviously she should have legally got a court order to be allowed, but equally it shouldn't be so easy for parents to legally control their ex and harm their children in the process when it comes to a basic thing like a few days holiday.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 03/04/2024 12:44

Aside from anything else I very much doubt that he kindly asked her to inform him of them going away.

This sounds like a massively volatile relationship.

He needs to go to court and get it formalised, they need to get a co-parenting app to pass on information, and they need to minimise any kind of in-person interaction at all.

Meadowfinch · 03/04/2024 12:45

OP, don't get involved. He is the parent, this is his concern, not yours.

Your dp needs to progress with mediation. If that fails, go to court and get a child access order. He needs to set up an email account and only communicate via email except in emergencies. In writing, timed & dated. Ignore all other channels.

All the same things mums have been advised to do on here regularly.

Hugefan · 03/04/2024 12:45

Why did he apply for mediation when he already had 50/50? They clearly can't communicate but presumably already had a contact arrangement in place and a mediator can't change how they speak to one another. They should communicate through a parenting app or email instead. How old is the child?

Cantgetausername87 · 03/04/2024 12:47

Honestly it's awful when this happens - happens all the time with DH and his ex. I have asked and asked him to go to court and get ab order in place. If he had taken the child out of the country without permission there would be uproar on mumsnet. Some women do use their kids as weapons and its sickening! Dhs ex will refuse contact If he refuses to buy new trainers (on top of maintenence etc) disgusting!

SKG231 · 03/04/2024 14:09

SplitFountainPen · 03/04/2024 12:42

It was a couple of days holiday, not an attempted relocation...
Sounds far more likely that mum was trying to avoid the law being abused by a controlling man who would happily block his daughter from having a holiday to spite his ex than an attempted kidnapping which she decided to return from.
Obviously she should have legally got a court order to be allowed, but equally it shouldn't be so easy for parents to legally control their ex and harm their children in the process when it comes to a basic thing like a few days holiday.

Show quote history

And yet again a sexist comment. If a father took their child out of the country without telling the mother and their excuse was “oh was only a couple of days holiday” there would be complete uproar and people saying the mother has a right to know where her child is blah blah. It works both ways and it’s a legal requirement to let the other parent know that you’re planning on taking the child out of the country.

and another sexist comment from you, jumping to the conclusion that the father is controlling so that’s why she didn’t tell him. The mother could be the issue parent who is bitter, controlling, narcissistic and many other traits. None of us know the ins and outs.

Thefutureisourownpath · 03/04/2024 14:12

MonsteraMama · 03/04/2024 12:38

Stay out if it, it's nothing to do with you. It's between him and her and he's doing the right thing arranging mediation with the intent of formalising custody. He's taking all the steps he needs to be taking.

He needs to file for 50/50 and you need to back off and not get involved - he can ask for an immediate court order and emergency CAO and represent himself.

Original poster
whatamess100 · 03/04/2024 20:03

Yes he was polite and she verbally abused him screaming and swearing innthe street infont ofbthe child. She has withheld their child for asking her to let him know next time which i think is onmy right. He has had to out up with alot and i mean alot.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatamess100 · 03/04/2024 20:12

I just wanted so advice on what to do and where to turn to next

OP posts:
Reugny · 03/04/2024 20:14

Hugefan · 03/04/2024 12:45

Why did he apply for mediation when he already had 50/50? They clearly can't communicate but presumably already had a contact arrangement in place and a mediator can't change how they speak to one another. They should communicate through a parenting app or email instead. How old is the child?

You need to go down the mediation process before going to Court.

Ohffsbarbara · 03/04/2024 20:16

whatamess100 · 03/04/2024 20:03

Yes he was polite and she verbally abused him screaming and swearing innthe street infont ofbthe child. She has withheld their child for asking her to let him know next time which i think is onmy right. He has had to out up with alot and i mean alot.

Were you there?

Dp found out last week that she took their daughter to disney, when he dropped her off he asked her mum to let him know next time she takes her out of the country

Yes, I can imagine exactly how that went…

Reugny · 03/04/2024 20:16

whatamess100 · 03/04/2024 20:12

I just wanted so advice on what to do and where to turn to next

You can't do anything.

He needs to investigate himself. I am sure he can use Google to find groups for fathers.

You can however warn him that if his ex is throwing accusations around then he needs to make sure he never goes inside her home at all, and even better to her home.

Hugefan · 03/04/2024 20:43

Reugny · 03/04/2024 20:14

You need to go down the mediation process before going to Court.

Show quote history

Yes, I am aware of that but there was no need to go to court when they already had a 50/50 contact arrangement in place. Courts have huge backlogs and should be used as a last resort.

My advice to him would be to leave it a week to let the dust settle, then calmly contact if he hasn't heard from ex already. If she still stands firm then contact a solicitor, depending on the DCs age.

Beezknees · 03/04/2024 20:50

SKG231 · 03/04/2024 14:09

And yet again a sexist comment. If a father took their child out of the country without telling the mother and their excuse was “oh was only a couple of days holiday” there would be complete uproar and people saying the mother has a right to know where her child is blah blah. It works both ways and it’s a legal requirement to let the other parent know that you’re planning on taking the child out of the country.

and another sexist comment from you, jumping to the conclusion that the father is controlling so that’s why she didn’t tell him. The mother could be the issue parent who is bitter, controlling, narcissistic and many other traits. None of us know the ins and outs.

Show quote history

I've never told my child's father when I've taken him out the country. "Legal requirement" it may be but nobody really cares.

Original poster
whatamess100 · 04/04/2024 07:05

Shocked at some of the comment on here, not all dads are loud abusive ex husbands who use kids as a weapon and controle the mum through the child. Yes they do exist, and anyone whos posted suggesting he went to the door being horrible wasn't the case and you will have to just take my word for it. We have been though hell for 2yrs, not daring to do or say the wrong thing anything incase she stops contact, she is cruel,manipulating and uses the child at every opportunity to control him.

We had a terrible day yesterday she sent over 15 essay long txt messages abusing us both, none of which he replied to. Apparently, she want's 500quid maintance so he will ring cms today to get that sorted.

Thank to those who posted useful advice

OP posts:
HopelesslyOptimistic · 04/04/2024 07:23

Mediation first then he goes down the court route. He will get 50/50 access if he's a reasonable loving father. If she's as bad as you say, I would opt to go down the court route as her behaviour will continue. It will be expensive so prepare for that and always think about the child first.

SKG231 · 04/04/2024 08:26

Beezknees · 03/04/2024 20:50

I've never told my child's father when I've taken him out the country. "Legal requirement" it may be but nobody really cares.

Show quote history

Ok, would you have the same attitude if you contacted your child’s father on their rightful custody time and he just dropped in that they were actually In Spain not at his home? Absolutely not. It’s such double standards.

SKG231 · 04/04/2024 08:28

whatamess100 · 04/04/2024 07:05

Shocked at some of the comment on here, not all dads are loud abusive ex husbands who use kids as a weapon and controle the mum through the child. Yes they do exist, and anyone whos posted suggesting he went to the door being horrible wasn't the case and you will have to just take my word for it. We have been though hell for 2yrs, not daring to do or say the wrong thing anything incase she stops contact, she is cruel,manipulating and uses the child at every opportunity to control him.

We had a terrible day yesterday she sent over 15 essay long txt messages abusing us both, none of which he replied to. Apparently, she want's 500quid maintance so he will ring cms today to get that sorted.

Thank to those who posted useful advice

She is after the argument. Don’t engage. She knows the child is the only weapon she has against her ex now so she is hoping by withholding them she will get him desperately messaging begging to still have them. It’s hard but step back and go down the correct legal route.