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Original poster

Why does MIL act like this ?

43 replies

milirritation · 01/04/2024 21:03

She has always made comments about me taking her son etc etc

She keeps summoning dh for last minute things and then having massive tantrums when he’s not available. Nothing is ever planned in advance and she goes crazy when he can’t drop everything for her ???? She lives 3 doors down from SIL as well but prefers to ask (demand) so much from dh?

It’s just getting worse I don’t think she understands that we are busy and that she isn’t the centre of the universe

OP posts:
PotatoPudding · 01/04/2024 21:09

I have one like that too. She has a place in Spain that she goes to a few times a year. She would ask DH to drop off some milk at her place the night before she got back. I suggested she gets long-life milk, as it was an hour’s round trip, we worked away all week and had a project house to finish at weekends. She kicked up a massive stinl about not liking long-life milk. I mean MASSIVE.

Next time she came to our house, I said I would offer to make her a coffee but I only have long-life milk and I know how much she can’t stand it. Her face was a picture!

PennyPickles60 · 01/04/2024 21:13

PotatoPudding · 01/04/2024 21:09

I have one like that too. She has a place in Spain that she goes to a few times a year. She would ask DH to drop off some milk at her place the night before she got back. I suggested she gets long-life milk, as it was an hour’s round trip, we worked away all week and had a project house to finish at weekends. She kicked up a massive stinl about not liking long-life milk. I mean MASSIVE.

Next time she came to our house, I said I would offer to make her a coffee but I only have long-life milk and I know how much she can’t stand it. Her face was a picture!

Tell her to pick up milk on her way home from the airport the same as everyone else manages to. There are plenty of garages open 24 hours even if Tesco isn’t. It’s amazing what she could do if she tries - without bothering anyone else.

PotatoPudding · 01/04/2024 21:22

PennyPickles60 · 01/04/2024 21:13

Tell her to pick up milk on her way home from the airport the same as everyone else manages to. There are plenty of garages open 24 hours even if Tesco isn’t. It’s amazing what she could do if she tries - without bothering anyone else.

Show quote history

She did it to have that little bit of control.

She used to fly out on New Year’s morning at 6.30 am because it was £30 cheaper. She would insist DH take her. It was a
small airport and a 3-hour round trip, so parking was cheap. I booked her airport parking without telling her because DH doesn’t have the backbone to say no to her.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 01/04/2024 21:24

You DH is allowing this spolit behaviour. He need to learn to say no as he has a family to look after.

Original poster
milirritation · 01/04/2024 21:30

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 01/04/2024 21:24

You DH is allowing this spolit behaviour. He need to learn to say no as he has a family to look after.

He does say no ! Hence the tantrums ! She then blames me !

OP posts:
Original poster
milirritation · 01/04/2024 21:33

PotatoPudding · 01/04/2024 21:09

I have one like that too. She has a place in Spain that she goes to a few times a year. She would ask DH to drop off some milk at her place the night before she got back. I suggested she gets long-life milk, as it was an hour’s round trip, we worked away all week and had a project house to finish at weekends. She kicked up a massive stinl about not liking long-life milk. I mean MASSIVE.

Next time she came to our house, I said I would offer to make her a coffee but I only have long-life milk and I know how much she can’t stand it. Her face was a picture!

we often have grocery based emergencies with MIL too - the last big tantrum was because she called dh when he was at work saying she needed bay leaves and quinoa - that he HAD to get her some immediately when he said ‘no I’m at work I dont leave for another 2 hours’ she called me and had such a go at me saying that if I wasn’t lazy and part time then dh could work less and be able to help her but that I’d planned it that way to control his time !

OP posts:
skippy67 · 01/04/2024 21:34

"Summoning"? Really? Does she "demand" too?

Original poster
milirritation · 01/04/2024 21:36

skippy67 · 01/04/2024 21:34

"Summoning"? Really? Does she "demand" too?

Yes

OP posts:
Original poster
milirritation · 01/04/2024 21:39

Nothing is ever planned in advance she will message or phone and say ‘come round now’ and when dh says he’s at work/we are out with the dc etc she goes mad. We’ve said to her we need to make plans and she said she shouldn’t have to 🤦‍♀️😂

OP posts:
Theraininspainfalls · 01/04/2024 21:42

She sounds like a spoilt child. What an awful way to behave.

Creamcoconut · 01/04/2024 21:44

Time to be uncontactable

isitbananatimealready · 01/04/2024 21:55

She sounds like an overgrown toddler. Does your DH have any siblings? I'm assuming there is no FIL on the scene.

Original poster
milirritation · 01/04/2024 22:03

isitbananatimealready · 01/04/2024 21:55

She sounds like an overgrown toddler. Does your DH have any siblings? I'm assuming there is no FIL on the scene.

Dh has one sister . FIL passed away 4 years ago but MIL was like this before as well so it’s not because of that

OP posts:
Scribblydoo · 01/04/2024 22:08

Can you both mute her? Then you only deal with giant toddlers between 6pm and 8pm for example?

Worstyearyet · 01/04/2024 22:11

I have a friend who moved abroad with her family because her MIL was just like this! Very possessive of her DH. Hopefully you won’t have to resort to that OP!

Jasmin1971 · 01/04/2024 22:15

Phone switched off when DH is at work. Burner phone for if you need him. Your phone on silent. That's all I can suggest.

Original poster
milirritation · 01/04/2024 22:27

I think it’s going to have to be blocking her (me) and dh can mute her while he’s at work or we are out

OP posts:
WishesPromised · 02/04/2024 09:04

My mil is like this, not quite as bad, but not far off.

She keeps making her world smaller and smaller and then looks to DH to fill the gaps. She gave up driving (mid sixties) then put pressure on him to visit her three times a week and to take her to her friends when he should be working.

She said in Easter Sunday that she believes she is the Matriarch and that she should be the centre of the family and that "she's in charge". She said it laughing, but DH and I know she means it. Unfortunately she is a sulked and uses guilt to manipulate DH, he can't/won't stand up to her. However as she ages the dynamic will change, so I've withdrawn as much as I can and leave it to DH.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 02/04/2024 09:33

milirritation · 01/04/2024 21:30

He does say no ! Hence the tantrums ! She then blames me !

Show quote history

Ok. Then let her "blame" you and say no more often
She will get the hang of it, trust me.

crumblingschools · 02/04/2024 09:38

How old is she? Does she have a life outside family?

Block her so she can only contact DH. I assume you live nearby.

Theraininspainfalls · 02/04/2024 09:48

I have a friend who is like this with her son. She has no hobbies or interests, gave up work during lockdown and just expects him to provide everything she doesn’t get from life herself. He withdraws and minimises contact and she gets more and more needy and angry. It’s sad to see.

Brainworm · 02/04/2024 10:57

Focusing on your thread title OP, I don't think it's a good use of your time or energy trying to work out why she is like this. Instead, I would focus on being really clear about what it is about her behaviour that is problematic and deciding how to address the problem.

With this in mind, the problem seems to be that she asks your husband to do things for her without advanced planning and when he doesn't do them she gets angry/ upset. A 'face value' solution would be to ensure she has a list of services to use when in need of groceries or a lift (Ocado Zoom and Uber come to mind). This could be accompanied by your husband giving her whatever time slots work each month to help her out in whatever ways she wants - but with advanced planning.

Going back to motivation, it may well be that the above won't address the problem from your MIL's point of view. She may, for example, be making up the need for immediate as in the past, or in an early relationship, someone dropping other commitments to do things for her may have been their way of showing love and care. This is irrelevant to you and your DH as you can support her but not with 'immediate' services that can be addressed in other ways.

It sounds like your best bet is to continue with the planned support/ visits and suggesting alternatives when immediate help is requested. When she gets upset/ angry, reiterate suggestions for taxis, rapid food order etc. And, most importantly, try not to ruminate or think about it too much.

Sapphire387 · 02/04/2024 11:18

Mine's like this. She was divorced twenty years ago (when the kids were teens / early adulthood). DH has four siblings. He's the oldest of the three boys and got treated as a sort of surrogate husband. She hated it when he moved away to live with me. Even had a tantrum because he wouldn't leave me in hospital suffering a complicated miscarriage to go and visit her. She really needs to cultivate a life of her own outside of her kids. She never really worked and has few friends. She lives with my youngest SIL and they're a right toxic pair tbh.

Rainydayinlondon · 02/04/2024 11:18

PotatoPudding · 01/04/2024 21:09

I have one like that too. She has a place in Spain that she goes to a few times a year. She would ask DH to drop off some milk at her place the night before she got back. I suggested she gets long-life milk, as it was an hour’s round trip, we worked away all week and had a project house to finish at weekends. She kicked up a massive stinl about not liking long-life milk. I mean MASSIVE.

Next time she came to our house, I said I would offer to make her a coffee but I only have long-life milk and I know how much she can’t stand it. Her face was a picture!

I think that dropping milk/bread/eggs/a cake is normal when a relative comes back tired from travelling. An hour’s round trip isn’t exactly a lot and you can do it at any point in the day or so prior to her return

Giveupnow · 02/04/2024 11:32

@Rainydayinlondon are you kidding? An hours round trip to drop some milk is OTT. A capable adult with no dependants can get their own milk, freeze some beforehand, or forego a cup of tea until some is in.