My life is so far away from what I want for myself

[mylifee]

I'm in my late 20s and just feel so dissatisfied with my life. I'm single and have never had a boyfriend, I don't have any friends, I've been battling anxiety and depression since I was 16. I follow a lot of American influencers and tend to be drawn to those who are religious (Christians including mormons, and some Muslim women too) who have lovely close knit families and seem to be mentally healthy with good self-esteem and I just long for that. Every holiday that passes I just feel so empty as it reminds me of the kind of life I want - Easter egg hunts, family lunches, children and nieces and nephews and just a busy, chaotic home. I know a lot of that is idealised, but I think I just long for that wholesome, family-orientated lifestyle with good values and a close community.

My family, including my extended family, aren't a normal family. There's a lot of mental illness and poverty on both sides, my siblings and Dad are all autistic, my grandparents are very cold and critical so I avoid seeing them as much as possible. My parents dislike each other and should definitely be divorced. There's so much denial and almost dissociation from the reality of things. I still live at home as I can't afford to live alone and I don't want to be in a houseshare. I know I should try online dating but the idea of men judging me based on my appearance/pictures makes me feel really anxious, and I wouldn't even know where to begin with introducing a future boyfriend to all of this. I feel like I had potential when I was younger/in my early 20s but now at nearly 29 I've sunk into this life and feel stuck in a huge rut. I work from home and gloss over things with colleagues, I feel like I'm living a double life

Sorry you’re going through this. I was in a very similar situation at your age, and it was really hard. I was still living at home, I was deep in mental illness, and I’d never had a ‘normal’ 20s due to my illnesses (both mental and physical). I also had no friends because of my circumstances.
Fortunately my life did turn around completely, so I know there is still hope for you too! You could be in a completely different situation in a year or two.
Are you on medication for your mental health problems? Finding the right meds was the turning point for me, and I pushed to see an NHS Psychiatrist and got the right combination of meds.
Would you consider getting involved with a church (as I see you mention religious influencers). This might be a way of gradually opening up a different life for yourself, and you might meet someone too. Or perhaps would you consider a religious dating site?

Acknowledging all you’ve described of your life - what strikes me is that you don’t have time to be ‘following’ influencers on the Internet. You’re literally wasting your own life on them.

Why?

They’re not adding anything to your wellbeing. Just making you dissatisfied - while at the same time keeping you tethered when you need to be trying to fly.

Could you not try even two weeks where you concentrate on yourself rather than pointless strangers on a screen? Use the time to think about tiny steps you might take towards your own goals.

It does sound as if you’d be happier living away from parents who don’t even like each other, the atmosphere in the house must be very depressing. Would you perhaps at least look for a house share, just to see whether you find people whom you click with? If you don’t find anything, don’t move, but it’s worth looking.

OP you're letting your Life drift away. Nothing is going to change unless YOU change it.

Why don't you want to house share? What are you afraid of?

Op you sound very unhappy, and it is worrying that you are vulnerable to influencers.
I can tell you that nothing is going to change unless you make changes yourself. I understand that it is daunting, but you have to put yourself out there.
I think you need to get away from your family, and move out. You won't grow until you do. Lots of people your age flat share, and it's not the awful option you think it is. Do some research, and find a flat / house where they are looking for someone to socialise with.
If you need to, get a second job.. if you can work in a pub or a gym or hospitality of some sort , you will start talking to people. Working from home doesn't sound as if it is doing you any favours at all, you need to be out there mixing with people in order to make friends. Can you go into an office a few days a week at least?
If you are drawn to religion, then try going to a church or mosque and get involved with whatever is going on there. You could look for voluntary work where you might meet some nice people, or join a friendly choir, but do something, and do it regularly. Once you feel more comfortable meeting and chatting to people then you could thinking about taking proactive steps to meet a potential boyfriend.

Focus on what you can control rather than what you can’t. You can’t choose your family nor change them. Don’t focus on creating a perfect family for yourself with a partner either - that creates an intolerable burden on your children (I speak from experience).
Write down 3 things that bring you joy no matter how small and do them

Think about something you would like to do for yourself to enrich your life eg learn to tap dance, volunteer, climb the Eiffel Tower singing songs from Eurovision and start planning how you will do it.

If you are really struggling with your mood make sure you see your GP and get support.

Think about the things you value about yourself and focus on them. Find that small flame of self esteem and feed it. Recognise how well you’ve survived a challenging start. Value your resilience in keeping going even when it feels hard.

Instead of focusing on what you don't want, think about ways you can bring small elements of what you do want into your life.

You have identified that you are drawn to religious social media posters, is religion something you want to try out or is it already part of your life? You could resolve to join a church or mosque, which might help you feel a sense of belonging of a larger group.

Are there particular things the influencers you watch are doing that reasonates with you? I watched loads of gardening social media until I realised I could actually DO some gardening and it has done wonders for my mental health. Same with crafting.

You can't control having nieces or nephews, but could you volunteer with children or perhaps take your work in that direction?

Can you access therapy or a therapy group?

Step away from the online dating, you're still working on yourself and are learning to fall in love with yourself.

Step away from potential, start with where you are. With small manageable steps in learning who you are and what you like..

I honestly get it, I have a similar background to yours. It's hard to hear yourself or believe in yourself. Tiny steps.

I'm not religious but I'm also going to suggest joining a church.

Also, try setting yourself some realistic goals. What can you do now to get one step closer? Where do you want to be in 6 months, one year etc.

Plus you're still young! Plenty of time to have the life you dream of.

It sounds like you have some serious things you can't change, but many things you can.

Firstly, get off your phone. Following influencers (fgs) is a modern version of filling hours every day, day in day out, with glossy lifestyle magazines and Mills & Boons novels and hankering for what you read. You're living in a fantasy, not the real world. You're so busy looking at other people's fake lives that you're not living your own. Get off Instagram and whatever else, and within a couple of weeks you will realise how much time you have in the day to think and make plans for yourself.

Secondly, you're not going to get anywhere in life if you continue to live with your parents, wfh, not go out. Do you think the life you want, and the people in it, will land in your lap from heaven? You have to make it happen. You won't most likely have a chaotic life full of loving, smiling, laughing, beautiful children and nieces and nephews going on egg-hunts in sunny pastures wearing white cotton dresses and eating lunch on a beautiful patio out of wicker hampers. NOBODY does. But there's a biiiiiig difference between that and what you currently have.

YOU are in charge of your life. Your circumstances are what they are. So, what are you going to do about it? Give in to them or make the most of them?

I agree others that being online is not going to help you one bit. Start small. Start going out to volunteer, start a hobby, join a walking group. Look at changing your job. You can find a way to move out, maybe share with one other person who is also looking to make new friends? The way to change things is not to settle for what you have and get off instagram.

House sharing can be brilliant, and even if it isn't, it's how the vast majority of people transition away from living with their parents. It doesn't sound like you've got an alternative unless you're going to stay at home forever.

I house shared from 18-32 and honestly it was 95% great experiences.

Exactly. Step away from the influencers, OP. They're an unhealthy obsession, but more importantly, they're like comfort eating or internet gambling -- they're a way of not thinking about you.

The most complex, messy real life situation, relationships etc has exponentially more value than passively absorbing a curated version of someone else's.

Start small. What do you like actually doing, that puts you in the moment, and means you engage with your own body/brain/surroundings/other people?

You can completely change your situation. If you really want to

• Look at your working situation. This is isolating you and will not help you. See if you can find employment where you go to a workplace and mix with others. If you really can't do this as your main job. look for an additional job. Hospitality would get you mixing with others.
• A house share is a good way to make new friends of a similar age. Perhaps it's time you move out and explore this option.

-Consider combing both. Move area for a new job and find a house share.

• Deal with mental health proactively. Join an excersize class/ gym. See GP about medication if required. But get away from online influencers.
• Excersize and socialising are proven to help mental health.
• If you want a religion fine go join a church but you need to get involved and socialise to gain any benefit. Would a Christian house share appeal to you?

Church people can be awesome! I’m not religious but I grew up in the Christian faith, especially my parents friends, and they were all incredibly kind and non judgmental. I believe this is also true of many Jewish and Muslim traditions. 💐

I think there are three things you can do to immediately improve things.

1. Stop following weird influencer types. They aren't real and are tempting you to waste your life in a sort of fantasy.
2. Move out. My family was totally dysfunctional, parents loathed each other, and moving out was the best thing ever. Why don't you want to live in a house share, it's a good way to meet people and make a few friends.
3. The more people you meet, the more chance you have of finding a boyfriend. OLD isn't good for the self esteem so maybe try the old fashioned way first. Join a sports club. Or volunteer for a charity.

One thing is absolutely certain. You won't meet anyone or change your life sitting at home. It's time to be brave and step outside your comfort zone.

Try church if you like religion etc. may be a way to build some friendships and a community for yourself. I imagine some churches are very welcoming.

I agree with everyone else. Join a church where you will meet like-minded people if it interests you, but don't spend anymore time watching influencers. It is a business, they are not real. They are acting for a few moments to portray a lifestyle they want you to believe in so that they can earn money. It is not possible to understand someone's life by watching a social media channel.
Try moving into a house share if you want to get away from home, or even just going out to work would help. Is it possible to not work from home with your job? WFH can be ideal for some people but for others it is just a lonely, isolating experience.
You can get group holidays for single people go on, that could be fun?

Thank you all. These comments have been really helpful

To address a few specific things...
I do take antidepressants and they do help a little but not completely.

My job does have an office but it's 1.5 hours away so I tend to put off going. I'm also very shy so my natural instinct is to avoid socialising but I know I need to put myself out there more. Maybe I'll try and go in once a week to start with.

I used to be a Christian but I'm not religious anymore, I think I'm just drawn to the values and lifestyle of religion.

I've always spent a lot of time on social media, even back when I was a teenager. I definitely use/used it as a form of escapism and to be honest as much as I agree taking time away from it would be good I don't know how I'd spend my time?

Join things, lots of things! Put yourself out there. Some things won’t work and some will. Just keep going.

Hmm…not sure I’d recommend joining a church. Frankly, I see little difference between organised religion and cults. Both thrive on the vulnerable.

A few recommendations:

• Get off social media. It’s utter poison. Instead, read the classics. Great literature heals and guides you like nothing else. There are plenty of lists you could work through, and there are so many great books it’s hard to know where to begin. Dickens, George Eliot, Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf, D H Lawrence, Kurt Vonnegut…pick them up, try a chapter, and if you don’t like them move on to the next.
• Don’t idealise these perfect families. The wholesome American Mormon family, with its beaming children and baked cookies is just as riddled with abuse, manipulation and dysfunction as any other family. In fact, I make it a rule never to trust anyone or anything that seems too good to be true. Most families are f-d up in some way. Most humans are f-d up in some way!
• Don’t put so much emphasis on a sexual relationship. They can be wonderful, but they can also be suffocating, miserable and abusive. You sound like a prime candidate for a bad relationship. In my experience, the good relationships arise when you least want or expect them. And that’s because you don’t attract controlling or abusive men. If you give off a needy or vulnerable vibe, the worst sorts of men will come into your life.
• Take up a hobby. Join a hiking club, a book group, a yoga class…anything that gets you out of the house.
• Be kinder to yourself OP. Like I said, we’re all messed up and confused. None of us know why we’re here, and most of us haven’t got a a clue what we’re doing. So many of the people you think are cool and strong and popular are a total mess on the inside. Loneliness and isolation are FAR more common than you realise.

as much as I agree taking time away from it would be good I don't know how I'd spend my time?

Reread your thread. Try to take in what everyone is saying. There is a clear set of goals you could start to engage with. Use the time to make lists, make enquiries, work out what you could afford to pay for rent elsewhere. Living somewhere closer to your office would be helpful, no? So you need to get yourself onto some letting agents lists and go and visit some shared flats / houses. If you have lots of stuff - maybe start to declutter, so you’ll know what you want to take with you.

Use the time to dismantle your childhood and move into the real life adult world. Stop holding yourself back. Be brave. Take a leap.

I agree that religious influencers isn't helpful, but maybe joining a (healthy and mainstream) religious community is a worth a try. It might be a good way of meeting someone with similar values, but you need to make sure the community has values that work for you and people who you 'click' with.

You are still very young in the scheme of things and very few people have the life they want or think that they want.

The positive thing is you have an idea of what you want/don’t want your life to look like in the future. It doesn’t have to be a blueprint, just a direction towards a supportive and warm feel. There’s no reason that you won’t get there. At the moment, it sounds like quite an isolated life so finding ways of moving towards a point where both socially or professionally you get to engage more would enrich life.

Remember your family are not you and you are not measured by them. You introduce people to them only after trust has been established - and then only if you really want to. Focus on you and your needs and goals for a bit. You clearly have strong values, you don’t need to affiliate to any religion to have these, but they’ll help guide you and set boundaries.

You mention potential, you still have loads of it ahead of you and, for the moment, need to put energy into being kind to yourself and helping grow your self esteem. It sounds like you’ve hit is a bit of a rut, that’s not unusual as many of us experience them at some point in life and you’ll get through this. You sound both emotionally intelligent and self aware and will be more than capable of rising out of this temporary slump and moving forwards towards where you want to be.

Age 29 is prime time for making big changes in your life.

Make the changes now, over the next one or two years.
You will very much regret it if you find yourself in your early-to-mid thirties and nothing has changed.
So make those changes, no matter how hard it is. You owe it to yourself.