My life is so far away from what I want for myself

[mylifee]

I'm in my late 20s and just feel so dissatisfied with my life. I'm single and have never had a boyfriend, I don't have any friends, I've been battling anxiety and depression since I was 16. I follow a lot of American influencers and tend to be drawn to those who are religious (Christians including mormons, and some Muslim women too) who have lovely close knit families and seem to be mentally healthy with good self-esteem and I just long for that. Every holiday that passes I just feel so empty as it reminds me of the kind of life I want - Easter egg hunts, family lunches, children and nieces and nephews and just a busy, chaotic home. I know a lot of that is idealised, but I think I just long for that wholesome, family-orientated lifestyle with good values and a close community.

My family, including my extended family, aren't a normal family. There's a lot of mental illness and poverty on both sides, my siblings and Dad are all autistic, my grandparents are very cold and critical so I avoid seeing them as much as possible. My parents dislike each other and should definitely be divorced. There's so much denial and almost dissociation from the reality of things. I still live at home as I can't afford to live alone and I don't want to be in a houseshare. I know I should try online dating but the idea of men judging me based on my appearance/pictures makes me feel really anxious, and I wouldn't even know where to begin with introducing a future boyfriend to all of this. I feel like I had potential when I was younger/in my early 20s but now at nearly 29 I've sunk into this life and feel stuck in a huge rut. I work from home and gloss over things with colleagues, I feel like I'm living a double life

I'm not going to be very tactful sorry but my life was going great guns following various hard experiences until everything screeched to a halt thanks to illness. Hopefully temporary but it's scary. This isn't about me but the point is you don't know what's around the corner so take control and make your life happen the way you want as best you can.

Stop wasting time on influencers. It's mostly if not all bollocks. Why not join a real life church? You might need to try a few to find a good fit. Even if it's not as sociable as the American influencers' ones appear it's a start and a framework. Voluntary work is great for that sense of community and meeting people.

Houseshares can be a good way to meet people and in my experience mood, mental health etc can be very situational so id say it could be a good step in the right direction.

My family aren't all bad but I have had to shut my ears to them. You can't pick them so it's a question of gaining your independence now, not waiting.

The influencers are giving you an idea of what you want, a loving home environment, family etc. that's a lovely thing to aim for as a vague sketch but please remember that what they are showing is not real so don't feel it's that version of life or might as well not bother. Make the changes you can and keep building.

As for dating, yes people will judge you and you them. It's not personal, you can't like everyone. There will be someone out there when you're ready.

Yes, this!
I wouldn't suggest joining any religious group especially if you're susceptible to influence (which it appears you may be).

You can do it, life has equipped you for the job. One step at a time

Get off social media. As someone in my early 30s, I found I became significantly happier when I came off social media completely.
Start reading books, take up a new hobby - gym? Walking? Cooking? Literally anything that takes your mind off social media - then extend that hobby to something where you might meet people and expand your social network.

In terms of not knowing how you'd spend your time, there are so many things you could be doing.

I suggest reading Stolen Focus by Johann Hari.

I appreciate it must be incredibly difficult having been raised on social media, but he does also explore the effect on generations who weren't raised with it.

That strikes me as a good starting point. I would also say try a house share.

It doesn't have to be lots of people, you may find someone who wants a lodger and that may well give you some peace away from your family.

This might be of interest, @mylifee - it emphasises what everyone here is saying to you: (from yesterday’s Times).

Teenagers’ screen time limits social skills, says US surgeon-general

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/7342f61f-d71a-4466-aacb-903d88461258?shareToken=6a665a796c2da3c0799321ee5785f18b

I’d really recommend running, do Couch to 5K if you’re a beginner. It gets you out of the house, is something you can do at your own pace, will give you a sense of self worth and you can join a local running club if you want to start to mix with people a bit more.

I found myself wanting to plan my next run and then fitting in some gym sessions for strength work too. It took my focus, but in a positive way. I’m still a pretty rubbish runner, but I am proud of myself from going from nothing to being able to run 5K.

I get that you're shy OP but that's something you can overcome to a large extent, just by forcing yourself to get out there and meet people!

You haven't explained why a house share is off the table - is it because of your shyness?

I did try and move out once but I found it overwhelming living with others, I'm quite a private person and my home is very much my sanctuary - I don't even like when we have visitors! However, I think maybe a houseshare with a couple of women around my age might be nice. I'm still in my probation period at my job but I'll consider looking into moving into/nearer to London once I've settled in my job.

I've tried to take your advice this last week but it's so hard as obviously lots of my habits are ingrained. I've been going out for walks during my lunch hour and trying to spend less time on social media

I'm 54 and my life is definitely not what I want, but i know this is temporary. I have had long periods where life has been good. Could you consider moving nearer to ur work and getting a house share? It will not be helping ur mental health being in a toxic environment. I live alone but know, after my experience during lock down, that working from home does not suit me

You need to get into reading!