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Original poster

Splitting up ashes

50 replies

bahhamburgers · 31/03/2024 14:05

My dad died in January and I have his ashes. They are going to be interred later in the year at the church in his home village a couple of hours away when we can arrange it.

There was a certain place he always wanted to travel to but could never afford to go. He was obsessed with the place from childhood.

My adult ds is going there later this year, he promised his grandad he’d go for him one day and the opportunity has unexpectedly arisen.

He wants to take a little photo of my dad there to put under a rock or something but his girlfriend suggested taking a tiny bit of his ashes to put there too.

I don’t know if I am keen on taking part of the ashes out though. I can’t explain why, it just feels quite wrong to me. On one hand, my dad would have been thrilled. But I can’t get my head around taking a little bit of “him” away from the rest.

Am I being stupid?

OP posts:
Original poster
bahhamburgers · 31/03/2024 14:07

There’s no other family to consider. It’s only me and ds (and my much younger children)..

OP posts:
ReliefComic · 31/03/2024 14:07

No, I wouldn’t like that personally.

AgentProvocateur · 31/03/2024 14:09

I think that would be a lovely thing to do if it’s somewhere he always wanted to go. In death, if not in life.

Shellyleppard1 · 31/03/2024 14:10

You aren't being stupid at all. Personally I think it would be a nice touching tribute to your dad and his special place. There are some lovely memorial keepsake ornaments around if it helps. I scattered my mum's ashes at the seaside as I couldn't get her home to Scotland. X

Arielhills · 31/03/2024 14:13

I don’t think there is necessarily a right answer for this. I’d say if you’re having reservations, don’t do it because once it’s done that’s it. I wouldn’t say either decision is you being ‘stupid’, go with your gut.

My FIL’s ashes have been partly used for memorial jewellery for DHs immediate family and FILs sister has a small urn with some ashes but the majority are with MIL until she goes then they will be buried together (hopefully in many many years time!)
He knew he was terminally ill so he had discussed his wants prior to his passing so I understand the reservation in doing this if your Dad didn’t explicitly state his wants. I this it is a lovely idea but you don’t have to agree.

Sorry for your loss OP

EBearhug · 31/03/2024 14:16

My father's ashes went yo two separate places, and the crem split them for us, so I don't think it's unusual.

Original poster
bahhamburgers · 31/03/2024 14:18

Yeah, his wishes were always to be with his family in the churchyard where he was christened.

And as my ten year old put it, “what if the bit you take out is his finger or something?”

It just feels wrong to me to take some of the ashes. Ultimately it’s up to me, ds doesn’t mind, but equally, I know it would mean so much to him to do it.

OP posts:
Frankley · 31/03/2024 14:18

I have split ashes of a relative. Three places he loved to be in. It pleases me and it would have him.
Do whatever feels right for you.

Original poster
bahhamburgers · 31/03/2024 14:19

My dh is also on the fence.

OP posts:
JaneJeffer · 31/03/2024 14:22

Don't do it if you have reservations because it will play on your mind.

ImWatching · 31/03/2024 14:22

I feel weird about splitting ashes OP. I just feel they should all be together for some reason, although when scattering they get blown all over the place so no idea why, but I feel they should start that process together.

Original poster
bahhamburgers · 31/03/2024 14:31

See, I wouldn’t want mine split up. For the fear of being some sort of incomplete spirit (I know that sounds mental).

I’ve got a while to think on it. Ds isn’t going until July and we won’t be able to travel to have his ashes interred until Autumn, weirdly, I feel a sense of comfort that he’s in the house at the moment.

OP posts:
useruserna · 31/03/2024 15:05

You say "his wishes were always to be with his family in the churchyard where he was christened", so personally I wouldn't split the ashes. (Also, what denomination he was might also have a bearing on it eg the Roman Catholic church says the ashes shouldn't be split or scattered). The original photo idea sounds good. On a more practical note, even though it might only be a small amount your DS might have some explaining to do at customs if the place is overseas. Also, some "popular" places ask people not to scatter ashes, so that should be respected as well.

useruserna · 31/03/2024 15:07

Actually, given that you have reservations about it and your it's your DS's girlfriends idea to take some of the ashes and not his, I'd be a definate no if it were me.

mitogoshi · 31/03/2024 15:09

I personally think it's a lovely thing to do, just a tablespoon or so, very fitting and you can tell your younger children in time

gamerchick · 31/03/2024 15:10

I understand. It seems like everyone wants a bit of my kids ashes but I've seen them off. She's going nowhere.

You might feel differently in time though but I get it. Plus I don't think you're allowed to just scatter ashes anywhere you want.

WaterWeasel · 31/03/2024 15:20

I would not do this. The pic is a nice idea maybe? But don't split up his ashes.

Springisroundthecorner · 31/03/2024 15:25

We split DPs ashes in a couple of places they loved (a beach near their holiday home and under the hedge around their sports club grounds). I like to think of them picnicing together in spirit in the sunshine in those places with a very large glass of rose 🍷

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 31/03/2024 15:29

I feel weird about splitting ashes too - what happens if the bit they take is my head and I’m wandering about in spirit world or wherever like the headless horseman. By the sounds of things though I think your dad would like to have a little bit scattered elsewhere

Original poster
bahhamburgers · 31/03/2024 15:29

useruserna · 31/03/2024 15:05

You say "his wishes were always to be with his family in the churchyard where he was christened", so personally I wouldn't split the ashes. (Also, what denomination he was might also have a bearing on it eg the Roman Catholic church says the ashes shouldn't be split or scattered). The original photo idea sounds good. On a more practical note, even though it might only be a small amount your DS might have some explaining to do at customs if the place is overseas. Also, some "popular" places ask people not to scatter ashes, so that should be respected as well.

Oh, it would be the tiniest bit. We aren’t talking a cup of it.

My dad believed in God, but wasn’t of any particular religion. I think the church is CofE.

OP posts:
Original poster
bahhamburgers · 31/03/2024 15:30

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 31/03/2024 15:29

I feel weird about splitting ashes too - what happens if the bit they take is my head and I’m wandering about in spirit world or wherever like the headless horseman. By the sounds of things though I think your dad would like to have a little bit scattered elsewhere

Yes! This is my line of thinking too. Ds girlfriend is lovely but looked at me like I was I was bonkers when I said similar.

OP posts:
UsernameShmoozername · 31/03/2024 15:30

I can see both sides of this. I can understand you wanting to keep him in one place, but the sentiment of taking a small amount of ashes to a place he really wanted to go brought a tear to my eye. It sounds like a lovely gesture. Could you meet in the middle and he just takes a tiny amount of ashes, then think of it that the part of his heart that wanted to be in that place is now going to be there?

jay55 · 31/03/2024 15:31

If it's not a place you'll be going to, and it doesn't feel right. Then keep to your plan. And your son's plan of taking a picture with him is lovely.

Original poster
bahhamburgers · 31/03/2024 15:31

gamerchick · 31/03/2024 15:10

I understand. It seems like everyone wants a bit of my kids ashes but I've seen them off. She's going nowhere.

You might feel differently in time though but I get it. Plus I don't think you're allowed to just scatter ashes anywhere you want.

I so sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine how hard that would be.

OP posts:
PurBal · 31/03/2024 15:32

You can’t split them if you’re having them interred. The churchyard will need the cremation certificate so they know they’re burying the remains who they think they are. It will all be recorded. (I suppose there is no way of knowing in your situation but this came up at my church where the family wanted half in two different churchyards and they couldn’t because they only had one certificate). ETA worth remembering you need the landowners permission to scatter.