Splitting up ashes

[bahhamburgers]

My dad died in January and I have his ashes. They are going to be interred later in the year at the church in his home village a couple of hours away when we can arrange it.

There was a certain place he always wanted to travel to but could never afford to go. He was obsessed with the place from childhood.

My adult ds is going there later this year, he promised his grandad he’d go for him one day and the opportunity has unexpectedly arisen.

He wants to take a little photo of my dad there to put under a rock or something but his girlfriend suggested taking a tiny bit of his ashes to put there too.

I don’t know if I am keen on taking part of the ashes out though. I can’t explain why, it just feels quite wrong to me. On one hand, my dad would have been thrilled. But I can’t get my head around taking a little bit of “him” away from the rest.

Am I being stupid?

Oh they meant like a teaspoon full. Which is why I wanted to know if I was odd for not even wanting a tiny bit taken.

Sorry. I should have said I didn’t mean half. Just a tiny bit.

Realistically, if you take out a tablespoon of ashes, it's not going to be a head or a finger. The ashes are mixed up so could be a weeny bit of a finger, tiny bit of a leg, or could even be the coffin or the clothes he was dressed in - it's all in there together.

Lots of people take out a tiny amount to make jewellery, or keep a bit in a keepsake urn, so it's not unusual. If it doesn't feel right to you though then don't do it.

Taking a photo there is a lovely idea.

I don't think there's a right or wrong. I don't see it like this. I see it a bit more simply that's the ashes are a mixture of everything.
I think it would be nice to have some ashes somewhere he would have loved to have gone. He maybe never suggested it as didn't think it possible.
But it's your families decision, only you know how you feel.

When my parents died (within a few months of each other in 2020), we mixed their ashes together and had a small amount put in a different "tube" ( I'm not sure what the exact name for the container is). The bulk of the ashes were scattered where they spent their 1st holiday together, as they always said that's where they wanted to end up. The rest were taken by my sister to where we used to live overseas as my parents had always said they would like to return there one day. Oddly enough I've visited the spot overseas but have yet to go to where they are in the UK.

Technically there is a customs form to fill out to transport ashes - we did this a few months ago. If they are found in luggage without the form then they will be confiscated.

You shouldn't do anything you feel uncomfortable with, but I do think it's a lovely idea

To me, taking the photo is nice, but wouldn't be enough, as he won't have actually gone there. What about sending just a tiny sprinkle, less than a teaspoonful, would that be ok?

What do you think your Dad would say to the idea - would it have tickled home to go there?

You have a little while to consider, no rush, it's a hard time

*him, not home

If it helps. My best friend died 2 years ago in a motorbike accident. He loved travelling and new places, so his mum asked people who knew him and were going to the places he hadn't had chance to get to, like Australia and South America to take a little of his ashes and scatter them. That has given her a lot of peace

I don't think it's unusual as my grandma wanted to be split between two places and so did my mum. It's normal for me but can see why people think it's weird!!

@PurBal that's not true. My grandma and mum were both split and then interned and scattered accordingly. No problem at all!!

A priest - C of E - buried about a third of someone's ashes loose in a churchyard, as they don't use containers there any longer. The other two thirds were taken by a relation and buried in two places which the dead person had loved.
It didn't seem awful. It seemed apt for that person.

I’m in a similar position. I’ve got half of my Nans ashes left after small amounts were kept by various family members and some were scattered in her favourite place (why not all of the remainder I’ll never know) and now I have my Grandads ashes, I was going to put the remainder of my Nan in with him and scatter them on his Mums grave as per his request. Now my auntie (his step daughter) has said she wants some. I find it very odd and hate the thought of them not being whole. I’m aware the ashes will scatter in the wind/rain but I’d rather all of his ashes were in one place.

You don’t want to do it so don’t do it. I wouldn’t waste any more time thinking about it. What other people do is irrelevant

The photo is a nice idea.

Ashes are being returned to the earth somewhere. They are already separate. Separate flakes of ash. The body is no more. The spirit has gone. If you scatter them then they are flying through the atmosphere to land wherever they land. Having some land on one area and some in another intentionally is not doing anything different.

I wouldn’t if you don’t want to. People want dhs and I’ve said no. He stays in one piece.

We split our parents ashes.

Some were left in a place they both wanted them to be but due to its location, it was not somewhere any of us would ever be able to go to again so we put a (smaller) quantity in another significant place but one that we could all visit whenever we liked.

My mum had wishes that I'll adhere to, that's the tricky thing isn't it.
It was all such a quick difficult time that her brief wishes are important to me.

Yet I'm very much wanting to keep just a tiny bit to put in a little trinket box that was special to her.

I'm very sure she'd understand. I never even thought during her decline about how it might be 'after' she'd died.

I'm of course thinking here about a different situation to yours op.

I think taking a photo of your dad to the special place would be very significant. He'd be thrilled with that I'm sure?
Xxx

Could your ds take your dad and bring him back?

Is there a small item owned by your dad that your ds could bring and leave there instead? A small pin, pen, etc.

My MIL is in three places.

You might find it changes with time.
My DM was initially quite keen on complicated arrangements with geography, different groups of relatives, ceremonies....
As time goes on its thankfully become less important.
As for me, I've become so tired of hearing the various permutations (mostly starring my mum) that I've become quite bored by it all.
As my mum has picked up her new life the ashes seem less important and her happier memories are more to the fore.

You are not being stupid.
It wasn't a bad suggestion.
Would it be possible to bury one or two photos of your father in the other place, rather than leaving a picture under a rock-a sort of compromise.

A friend of mine was buried on the other side of the country. There was a place she loved near here. I made a photocopy of her from a photo, so I just had a piece of A4 paper. (I could have used more photos and had 2 pieces of A4.) One day I folded it up and quietly went with a trowel or spade and buried it in the riverbank near to her loved place. I wanted to feel that something of her was over here and I do. Another of our friends thought that that was well ok.

You have a while to think about it.

I suppose that’s an idea!

I think your Ds’s idea of taking a photo is lovely.

Your feelings are your feelings, you don’t have to be ‘rational ‘ about it or justify your feelings. It’s a complicated process. No rights or wrongs whatever you decide.

Live with a bit and see how you feel.

It’s in a desert location, I wouldn’t want to leave anything other than paper, the photograph.