Feeling sorry for myself - holiday and DD

[Feelingpityformyself]

Just a bit of self pity really.

DD is 14, has significant SEN, and she cannot tolerate being out of her routine.

For me this means cooking her the same meals, watching the same things at the same time, only going to a select few places... its hard.

It also means she can't tolerate being away from home. I book 3 days every summer at a caravan 6 miles away, and that's the absolute maximum she can stand.

I absolutely long for a week away somewhere, even if its at the caravan 6 miles away. Just a break in routine, an impromptu visit to the chippy, randomly sticking a film on the TV....

It's just bloody hard sometimes, and it feels never ending.

I love the very bones of her, she is interesting, kind, clever, beautiful, talented in so many ways, but the routine and inflexibility is exhausting.

Are you a single mum?

Is there anyone that could provide respite care so you can get a bit of a break?

Yes single parent, totally uninvolved dad, no family, dd wouldn't tolerate being with any friends for any length of time either, so definitely couldn't cope with respite care.

It's hard sometimes.

Why not try something new ? Your needs are important too. If you book enough I advance you'll have plenty of time to talk ot through, explain where you're going and what it will be like. Change is a certainly , routines can't always be followed amd it may be that sonething new csn be introduced to her routine after a new experience.

I did that a couple of years ago, and it triggered such anxiety in her that she was physically unwell for over a month, she spent the whole time itching because she was so uncomfortable and was bleeding by the second day.

I periodically try new things, but we aren't at the stage she can handle it yet unfortunately.

That's a shame , i see why you're feeling sorry fir yourself . Still, what can't be cured must be endured. There will be a time in the future when you'll get to go.

Very true, and at least I don't have to slim down to get beach ready so all the easter eggs are mine.

Got to take the small wins I guess 😂

You're doing an amazing job ❤️

Your feelings are valid op. You are a wonderful mother.

Gosh this sounds so hard and depressing. I just want to say how awesome you are. Can I ask if DD will be able to move out once she’s older? At least then you might be able to spread your own wings

Potentially she will be able to go into some sort of assisted living when she is older.

There will come a time when I'm not around anymore so I'm hoping to start her on that path at some point.

Mostly we get along just fine, she is so full of interesting information, her current obsession is animal facts and I've learned so much from her, she's a great kid, and I just look at the way she handles her struggles and it puts me to shame really.

Just sometimes the adverts come on and I dream of being on a beach somewhere hot with a dishy waiter serving me cocktails....

Then a little voice pops up "Mum, did you know that a ducks penis is shaped like a corkscrew" and brings me crashing back to earth 😂

Ah poor you. Does she go to school? I would be booking myself in for some pampering and nice things when you can

An hour a day at the minute, mostly home schooled, by the time I've dropped her off it's time to get her again 😂

I honestly thought I would be out of this stage by now,it's not really how I envisaged my future with a 14yo.

We will get there I'm sure, just having a bit of a down day today.

What time does she go to bed? Is there any scope for anything in those times? You can order cocktail kits off Amazon! Whack the heating up and stick a towel on the sofa. Lie back and pretend 😂😂

alternatively, can she be left alone for any length of time? Even if it’s an hour in a coffee shop for you?

She goes to bed at around 9, which is great, but she has a medical condition that means I have to check in hourly through the night as well so hourly alarms set too.

It sounds absolutely hideous when I write it all like this, but life isn't so bad, we have our routine, and I'm used to it all now.

I have a fairly good looking neighbour, wonder if he will come round and serve me cocktails while I lay on a towel in my living room with beach noises playing on YouTube? Might invest in a deckchair so it's less weird actually 🤣

I think a solution may be a caravan you own somewhere - so it's the same place with her things and her smell or a holiday home if it's at all possible?

It's so difficult, but you are doing an amazing job

She's 14, intelligent and lovely. Discuss it with her. Tell her, just as she thrives on routine, you thrive on some variety. You have until now put her needs first but as she gets older, you feel it would be fair to give equal weight to both of your needs and you want to discuss the best ways to do this with her.

One way is to plan a lot. DH is autistic - undiagnosed for decades until DS was diagnosed. I used to be mystified and upset by his rigid inability to experience change. I learned if I wanted anything at all, it took - no exaggeration - 5 years of discussion before it could happen: getting a cat, having children, moving out of London, going abroad. I just started planning well ahead. 5 years ago I started discussing what we'd do once DC left home for good, so that by the time they were gone he was familiarised with the new plans.

Can you create a variety routine: on Friday nights we.... go out for dinner/to the cinema. Discuss places, look them up online with photos, so she can see them. Do the route on google maps so she knows where you're going and how you'll get there. Give her some herbal anti anxiety stuff like rescue remedy, kalms etc before you set out.

Discuss a weekend somewhere new. Tie it in with an interest of hers. Di loads and loads of research together, until she feels comfortable talking about it and discussing potential hotels or trains etc. Chat about it for months before you do anything about it and make it clear these are just discussions for now.

And also, discuss anxiety and how to deal with it: breath work, self-calming and CBT/DBT techniques. If she gets itchy - antihistamines.

Offer her a reward in return for her taking the initiative to try something new - a trip to the cinema, a small acoustic gig - no sensory overload; a cafe for breakfast, a visit to an RHS garden or similar. Discuss what she might want to explore if she had less anxiety.

You sound lovely! And the hourly waking sounds exhausting, I'm so impressed that you're managing it.

Could you talk to her about how important it is for you to get some more flexibility? And then work together about what is achievable for her, starting with very small steps? Either in terms of her coming with you, or being able to accept respite from somoene else?

OP you are absolutely fucking amazing you know. I wish I could magic you a holiday but in the meantime just know that you are a total legend.

YANBU op

Thank you all for listening to my wee down time.

She is in therapy for her anxiety, and CBT therapy seperatly (so buying a caravan is not on the cards while I pay for that, that would be the dream though, 35k would be as well be 35 million right now)

We are working on things, school is a new one she's started back after 3 years off, and at the minute she's challenged herself to talk to one person a day while she's there, which she is managing very well.

She has been wearing exactly the same clothes (I just rebuy the same 3 items) for 5 years, and actually put on another jumper the other day, I had to take myself off for a cry.

She doesn't want to be so stringent with her life either, but we are tackling things like education and social skills at the minute, so my wants are on the back burner for now.

We will get there I'm sure, even if I have to go and shirley valentine it up when I'm in my 60s.

I just don't want to push her, and take things at her pace I guess, like @AmaryllisChorus, it's pretty tiring having to plan so far in advance.

I just think in my world its frustrating, so what must her world be like, she has to fit in everywhere else, so her home should be the place that fits around her.

You need to get respite care, you need a break. Try local services to get someone experienced who could deal with any issues.

it’s in your DD’s interests too, or she’ll be an adult who can’t leave her mum.

I feel for you, @Feelingpityformyself , but please try to get a break for both your sakes

That sounds incredibly difficult

No words of wisdom but just wanted to say sounds like you are an amazing mum. I hope you get your well deserved holiday one day and in the meantime find ways to treat yourself. Hot bath and a glass of wine. Decent headphones so you can take yourself off and watch a film of your choice. Best wishes.

Would she be able to maybe add an extra day onto the 3 days? Take changes really gradually like that? Or even rather than coming back in the evening come back the following morning? (Or afternoon instead of morning) With warning obviously.
That said, I'm autistic and struggling with going out right now, even with things that I know I can do. Sometimes I'm actually better doing something (that it familiar) spontaneously rather than planned because then I can't overthink it. For example I wanted to drop some stuff off at the tip and then try going to the garden centre. Talked myself out of the garden centre and said 'it's fine, I'll just do the tip' Only problem was that you have to book a slot at the tip and so I talked myself out of that because I couldn't just get up and go.
It's bloody difficult. For you and her. Shit all round really. 🙁