I know this won't apply to everyone but (millennials and grandparents)

[Mamananny]

I saw something online about my generation being raised by their grandparents almost, or spending alot of time with loving grandparents.

Which I did. My nan was so special to me, I was there all the time, sleepovers and she took me away on trips etc.

My parents retired early and dont really see my kids. They drive and only live 15 mins away but they just don't bother with them (only see them when we visit)

And I saw something online that said 'Millennials who were raised by their loving grandparents wonder why their parents aren't like that with their own kids.
Well they didn't to be around you (thats why you were at your nanas so much) so why would they want to be around their grandkids?!)

😂😂

It really made me laugh and it's true for me at least.

We were always sent to my nanas, after school, weekends.

And my mum didn't get a job till the youngest left high school so it wasn't for childcare.

This is supposed to be light hearted and I'm not looking for the 'it's no one's responsibility to raise your kids'! thing.

I'm not looking for anyone to raise my kids.

I just expected my kids to have the same bond I had with my nana, with my mum.

But she's just not interested and I realised she wasn't that interested in me growing up either.

I showed this to DH and he laughed. His mum is exactly the same.

My children have the same relationship with their grandparents as I did with my grandparents.
They see them two or three times a week, occasional day trips, go on holiday as a big group with parents/grandparents siblings/cousins.
Certainly not enough to consider myself raised by my grandparents. I very rarely stayed over with them maybe 3 or 4 times in my childhood.
My son stayed over the day my daughter was born.
My parents are 5 minutes or so walk away. DH's are a 20 minute walk away absolutely no need for staying over.

Our children's grandparents are way too busy (or too sick) to look after our children on any regular need. So are all other grandparents around here.

This is scarily accurate for me too - and for my husband ♥️

And grand parents from the previous generation weren’t busy then??

I adored my Nan and always asked to spend school holidays there and have many lovely memories. None of my children have that kind of relationship with their GPs and it makes me sad.

No. Not on this level with activities away from home and family.
Mine weren't and nor my friends'.

I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, yes.
Dad was an HGV driver, leaving the house at 3/4/5am and mum worked full time nights, so I saw loads of them, but their hours weren't compatible with school drop offs and pick ups, so my grandparents did those. They also looked after us during holidays from school.
I dont have kids, but mum would absolutely do that for me if I did.
These days isn't it less about the generational divide and more about class? Middle class people are more likely to live away from family and less inclined to help eachother out. Working class people are the opposite.

I agree it will be very variable from one family to the next. Partly due to location (eg living far away from each other), partly due to age, work etc… and of course simply the down the quality of the relationship between parents and children.

But I do think there is an element of self entitlement though. This idea that THEYve worked really hard to have what they have now. That it’s their money, their time, no one is entitled to free childcare etc….
And very little now about family bond and cherishing that.

This was definitely my childhood OP! My gran was basically like a mother to me. It’s her bed I remember sleeping in when I was unwell and it’s my grandad I remember making me breakfast and giving me money for the ice cream van.

My kids barely see my mother and anytime I ever asked her to watch them it was always such a hassle despite the fact she lives a 2 minute drive away.

@MumChp butvthatsxa choice isn't it?
Current grand parents are busy (assuming retired busy here, not still working which is a different kettle of fish) but they are still choosing where and how they spend their time.
The fact they are ‘busier’ and away is more the consequence of a more wealthy lifestyle.

I also think there is an age / wealth angle to this.

My grandmother became a grandparent at about 50. She retired at about 55.

So she was relatively young. And she hadn’t planned some sort of ‘dream’ retirement like people aspire to nowadays. So they were just always around.

Nowadays I think people often are grandparents to small kids when much older (70+), and have the money to travel and have a nice time. So they want to do that instead.

Peoples lives in retirement are much more… interesting now.

@MarionMarion
I did a conclusion. Not a judgement.

I think sometimes when people spend a lot of their childhood with their Grandparents it’s because their parents weren’t really that interested in their own kids, and so palm them off to relatives as much as possible. So it should be no surprise when they aren’t very keen on spending time with their Grandchildren either.

(Note - I wrote “sometimes” I don’t mean those who spend a lot of time with grandparents with heathy family dynamics, or for childcare while parents are working etc)

Some people like the company of children. Others don't

My maternal GF lived in Germany. I think I saw him four times that I recall.

My maternal GM I met for the first time (other than a baby) when I was in my thirties.

My paternal GM died when I was two.

My paternal GF I saw two or three times that I recall. He was almost certainly autistic and by the end of his life was refusing to even see my dad because it upset his routines so much. He was more or less aggrophobic from about 50.

I don't think this is terribly unusual. DHs relationships with his grandparents wasn't much better. Two dead. One his dad didn't have contact with. One who he only saw a few times as a teen.

The idea of my parents or DH's parents raising my kids or even being a childcare option was never ever on my radar for that reason.

Bit things are different.

Kids spend a lot of time in childcare settings.

Woman get ally now can work 9/5 and don’t really see kids in the week as such

Dads are helping with childcare.

Woman are expected to work until 67 now.

Bit different to grandma taking the kids whilst the mother worked a bar job or cleaning job at the weekends to fit round her husband.

I won’t retire for another 15 years - grandkids would be in high school then and not interested in grandparents

I spent loads of time with my paternal grandparents. I adored them. My parents were not so involved when my kids were little but that was due to distance. Now I am a granny I emulate MY granny. I know now how much she loved me and I know how much my DGC love me, what I didn’t understand at the time was just how fulfilling being an involved GP is, and how tiring and fun these gorgeous little people are.

I don't know how much my grandparents did childcare wise, though I know my much older sibling had sleepovers with them as a child. I don't think I ever did. However, at least after my dad died my nan, by then in her 70s, would travel across London on public transport twice a week to help my mum with the housework. It must have been as much for the company, though, as my mum didn't work, but I know my nan did help an awful lot with the chores. And we'd go as a family every few weeks to see her and grandad.

Mum made it clear years ago she would never help with childcare if I had children. She'd done her bit and that was that. She criticised a friend of hers constantly for travelling from London to Glasgow regularly to look after her grandchildren and couldn't believe the cheek of the daughter for asking. But as a consequence the children had a wonderfully close relationship with her which they wouldn't otherwise have had.

She was too old, too infirm and too far away, to be of much help when I had my dd but I know she wouldn't have helped even if she could.

Isn’t it because more people live far away and travel to new cities to work. Also having kids older so grandparents less able.

Complete opposite for me btw. We’re very lucky. But I can imagine this is what happens generally.

My grandparents were lucky to be able to retire early so I spent a lot of time with them in school holidays while my mum worked. I loved it.

My own mum still works full time so she can't spend as much time with DS as my grandparents did with me but she's always helped where she can.

I can count on one hand how many occasions I spent in the care of my grandparents. I was fond of my maternal grandparents, my Nan in particular and spent a lot of time at her house but not alone together - always with my parents too.

I hardly had anything to do with my paternal grandparents.

My parents see my children a lot. They begrudgingly look after them for an hour here and there. They are VERY good at volunteering and talk about having them but less good at actually following through. Prime example my Mum offered to have my DS5 for a sleepover. I said ok, when. She picked tonight. I reminded her yesterday and asked if that was still ok. She sort of said “Does he still want to come” when I said yes and asked what time, she said “when he’s had tea and ready for bed” but pretended she was joking and said tea time. So basically the bare minimum before putting him to bed.

It really winds me up as I have no expectation of them having my children, it’s always at their instigation or when my son has asked. But they try and weedle out of it and speak about it like it’s an inconvenience.

I'm not your generation - I'm mid 50s. DC 17 & 20.

I saw my GPs v infrequently growing up as we didn’t live near any of them. My mum worked as a teacher and we sometimes had childcare. No one for very long as can’t remember any of them.

When I had my DC my mum lived 60 miles away but if she’d been closer she would have helped a bit. MIL had just finished caring for her elderly parents and didn’t want to help at all. So we had no help either.

I didn’t see it as especially odd at the time as it was the norm for me but I was sad and a bit jealous when I saw others able to work etc because they had family help.

Exact same experience for me. I’m 33. If my grandparents weren’t caring for me (and my mum only worked PT and not solidly, there’d be long periods she didn’t work) then I was at their house for tea, for sleepovers, for a day out with my grandparents. Popping into town for lunch with my nanna. I was incredibly close to them and thought of them as a second set of parents - my dad was absent so I even called my grandad ‘dad’ when I was young.

My mum meanwhile has remarried and lives about 30 mins drive away. She came round to drop some Easter eggs yesterday and that’s the first time she’s been to my house since Christmas, and the first time she’s since DC since early Feb for a family party. She gets upset when baby DS doesn’t go running to her, but he doesn’t know her, she’s a stranger to him really. I’ve probably seen her 3/4 times since Christmas although we text a few times a week.

It does make me upset and I wish she was more involved. Not for childcare as I’m a SAHM now but she doesn’t seem to want to spend time with them at all, she was here probably half an hour yesterday.

I just expected my kids to have the same bond I had with my nana, with my mum.
But she's just not interested and I realised she wasn't that interested in me growing up either.

I suspect you are right (if both parents are retired and healthy), my mum was interested and had sleepovers and visits with all her grandchildren even those hours away, despite working and being on her own. D'H parents didn't care despite being 15 minutes away and retired, and complaining of boredom, but he actually didn't care about his own children either so he definitely won't care about future grandchildren.

I'm Gen X and didn't have a very special relationship with any of my grandparents.

One grandfather died before I was born. The other wasn't on the scene.

I lived near one grandmother but I wasn't especially close to her. She had a lot of grandchildren. She never played with us if we called over, or did any activities with us (colouring or making jigsaws or baking or any of the things you'd expect a grandparent to do) - she just chatted to my parents when we'd call over. I don't remember her ever babysitting for us. Actually, I went to her house on one occasion after school, so she must have minded me for an afternoon. But my cousin was there too.

I was closest to my Nana who lived with us. But she developed dementia when I was still a child and went into a nursing home at some point.

I adore my DD and hope to have a close relationship with her DC (if she has any). I have vowed to help out as much as possible.

But realistically, I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I'll live close to my DD or if she'll move far away. And I don't know if I'll continue to enjoy good health.