MIL died, how do I tell DH?

[Anonymousemouses]

DH is early 50s. When I met him (in his late 30s), he had no contact with his parents. I admit I thought that it was a red flag for a while.

He said they were horrible to him growing up and I know they put his older brother into care for a while, and his mum spent a lot of time in and out of psychiatric hospital when he was growing up (this was verified by his childhood friends). His mum preferred girls to boys, so their sister was treated differently.

He stopped going to their house and they never came round to visit him again or phone.

When DD (13) was little DH pointed out his dad uptown. I went over to speak to him and he cried when he saw DH. He said his mum would come over straight away when she found out she had a granddaughter as she'd always longed for one. DH has a grown-up son, who they knew and saw when he was a child, yet his dad never mentioned or asked after him.

I was hopeful that they'd come around, they never did.

I've found out through something his sister put online, that his mum died four years ago.

I don't know what to do with this. I think it will be complicated for DH as it means he can never have closure, never reconcile with her. I believe his dad is still alive, but I'm not sure.

Should I tell him?

Of course you should tell him.

In my opinion, no. If he wants to know anything about his parents, he will do the research for himself. Sometimes just completely ignoring the family situation is for the best but, more importantly, this is entirely his call.

You have to tell him.

It might be a relief that he'll never have to see her again.

But it's not a secret you can keep.

I can't believe his sister never thought fit to tell him, tbh, although these things are complicated

You should absolutely tell him

Does your DH have any kind of relationship with his sister? I'm just wondering why you've seen something she's posted online and he hasn't.

I think you need to step back tbh, I'm not sure how appropriate it was for you to approach your DH's father, given that they are estranged - did you ask your DH's permission, at least?

I understand that you might have all sorts of feelings about the situation but you need to respect your DH's boundaries and I'm wondering if you have already got too involved.

Unless your DH also follows his sister online, stop following her yourself.

If your DH brings up the topic of his parents, you could encourage him to consider whether talking to his sister would be helpful for him, but leave it at that.

My DH is no contact with his family, btw. It is a very delicate line to tread to support him without overstepping.

Yes; you should tell him.

But I’m NC with my parents and wouldn’t be sad about the lost chance to reconcile. I don’t want to reconcile. He might be okay.

He might not, too. He may have sadness even if he has no regrets. Just hold time and space for him. That’s all you can do.

Agree with this.

Yes, you should tell him. I would just say 'DH, I read something on line that I need to tell you. You might not want to hear it, but that's not for me to decide. I read that your Mum died 4 years ago'

@AnotherEmma my husband asked me to talk to his dad, I think he thought it was less rejection if he said he didn't want to know to me rather than him, so I didn't go behind his back.

I don't follow his sister. He told me she'd away and I looked, just curious, I don't follow her, it was a blog that she'd written, never looked at it before. He talked to her if he saw her, but not really in contact, so not sure how he knew she'd moved away, especially as it was after his mum died.

You know so you have to tell him.

how did you come across what the sister put online? if others likely to see it is better he hears the news at home.

I don’t think you can NOT tell him. Can you imagine him ever saying “you knew
my mother had died and you didn’t tell me?!”

And by extension, you can’t leave it too long either.

You don’t have to take ownership of the information, you’re just passing it along. He’s got to deal with it sooner or later. We all only have one mother and father.

Does he ever talk about her?
Is it possible he knows and has chosen to not speak about it?

Why should she if he's gone NC?

I’m nc with my mother and would want to know.

He may have already come to terms with his upbringing or he may need to process a bit more. You’d be there to support him with that.

How hurt would he be if he found out you knew but didn’t tell him?

Do you know for sure he doesn’t know and just hasn’t told you?

Because going no contact doesn't mean someone doesn't want to know if their relative has died, nor does it stop them being entitled to knowing.

Tell him, I recently found out my dad died who I had been NC with for 20 years, it brought a lot of emotions out of me (mainly anger) but also a sense of closure

@MissPeachyKeen if you go NC I don't see why you would want to know if your relative died. Also I think it's very entitled to expect those who were in contact to tell you.

I think it would be weird for you to know but not tell him.

This is good wording.

I don’t think you can keep this a secret now you’ve seen it.

I don’t think you have to tell him.

unless you still believe in Happy Families, and hold onto done kind of over the rainbow dream that everyone gets along and loves each other 4evs.

sounds to be like your DH has closure already to me. He’s been happily living without the woman who gave birth to him for years.

If you are bursting to tell, by all means do, but realise you are spilling the beans because of some strong driver in yourself, not particularly to help your DH -
you’ll be scratching your own itch.

That's a very narrow perspective, but you're entitled to it. Such situations are incredibly complex and no one has the right to deny such knowledge to a first degree relative.

I also think it strange that his sister didn’t tell him. We didn’t have much contact with my brother for a few years but I’d have found him and let him know if one of our parents was seriously ill. That’s actually what reconciled us.

My husband would still want to know if his parents or sibling died.

Sorry to say it but it would be a relief in some ways. There is an underlying fear that they could still do damage and it never really goes away.

My guess is he knows already. He had probably already read the blog post too.