MIL died, how do I tell DH?

[Anonymousemouses]

DH is early 50s. When I met him (in his late 30s), he had no contact with his parents. I admit I thought that it was a red flag for a while.

He said they were horrible to him growing up and I know they put his older brother into care for a while, and his mum spent a lot of time in and out of psychiatric hospital when he was growing up (this was verified by his childhood friends). His mum preferred girls to boys, so their sister was treated differently.

He stopped going to their house and they never came round to visit him again or phone.

When DD (13) was little DH pointed out his dad uptown. I went over to speak to him and he cried when he saw DH. He said his mum would come over straight away when she found out she had a granddaughter as she'd always longed for one. DH has a grown-up son, who they knew and saw when he was a child, yet his dad never mentioned or asked after him.

I was hopeful that they'd come around, they never did.

I've found out through something his sister put online, that his mum died four years ago.

I don't know what to do with this. I think it will be complicated for DH as it means he can never have closure, never reconcile with her. I believe his dad is still alive, but I'm not sure.

Should I tell him?

You need to tell him, it's too big a secret to keep in a marriage. Agree he may already know though.

@MissPeachyKeen I genuinely can't understand how you can still believe you're entitled to info about someone's death when you're NC with them during their life and presumably couldn't care less what their life or their death was. If they suffered in life or death, presumably by being NC you don't consider your problem. I wonder how much of it's actually about inheritance.

Tell him

I think you do have to tell him. Maybe he is aware and has said nothing, but maybe he isn't. Do you know for sure that he has or hasn't read the blogs?

Either way, you can't keep it to yourself. Perhaps show him the post that you have read.

@AnotherEmma but how would it feel to people who do care for those who have continued to stay in contact with those others have gone NC with that the death is a relief? NC shouldn't come with the expectation of being told that's just adding to other relative's jobs whilst they grieve

@waitingforsunshine21

Many people choose to go no contact because of the pain caused by being in touch.

It isn't an easy option - actively choosing estrangement is very painful, it becomes the better option only when the pain from estrangement is less than the pain of staying in touch.

It doesn't mean that the person doesn't care, or doesn't love the family member in question. Many people still harbour a deep wish that things can be rectified.

Moreover, parental relationships are incredibly complex and incredibly tied into a person's sense of self. If a person actively or passively chooses or accepts estrangement from their family there is likely going to be a whole host of deeply emotional and psychological issues & baggage that they're carrying. Knowing when someone has died raise all sorts of emotional issues, but may ultimately allowing healing on both sides of the breach.

Finally, it's not for a stranger with no knowledge of the individuals or situation to say that the op's husband does not have the right to know his mother died 4 years ago.

The op's loyalty is to her husband, no one else.

This is an extremely narrow perspective. NC is often a final and painful decision that is taken after all other options have been exhausted. It’s not about “punishment” or “not caring”. It’s more about self preservation or protection of other relationships. I haven’t once stopped loving the family that I am NC with.

OP, you should tell your DH but then take his lead on whether he wants to discuss it or not.

If he knew his sister had moved away without having contact, are you sure he doesn’t know his mum has died too? I’m wondering if he has ignored it and filed it away in his head along with his past, and possibly hasn’t mentioned it.
If he doesn’t know, I think you can’t keep it from him now you do know. He may not thank you for opening the can of worms though, and that’s what snooping on social media can do.

I just think that the person who went NC is not the centre of everything at the point of time their relative dies, the people who are closest to the person who died are. If you expect to be told you are asking something of other relatives which may not be easy, especially if the relative knows you're not going to mourn the death. I think it's unreasonable to expect to be told, if you are consider it a kindness but otherwise it's expecting to have your cake and eat it.

I’ve been NC with my biological father for 16 years now. I don’t think I’d feel ‘entitled’ to know at all but I think I’d want to. It’s hard to put into words why but at a very basic level it’s probably to do with closure. Particularly if the reason for NC is due to the relative’s behaviour. I’d have loved nothing more than a healthy relationship with my father but it wasn’t going to happen so like a PP said, self preservation made my decision for me. It’s nothing to do with inheritance for..I wouldn’t want a penny. If you’ve not been in the situation you can’t understand.

OP, I think you need to tell him. Just explain it matter of factly and let him guide you as to what he wants to do with the information.

I expect you have no direct experience of dysfunctional family dynamics to the extent that no contact is the "best" (least bad) option. It's not as simple as saying that someone who is no contact "doesn't care" about the people they've cut contact with. In my DH's case, it's complicated. They're my in-laws, not my own family, and I still care about them - I'm pretty sure he does too, among all the other feelings.

If DH's parents or sibling died, I expect other extended family (who we are in contact with) would let him know. They are not close enough to them to be suffering so much in their grieving that they couldn't let DH know. It's part of the process of losing someone isn't it; telling people.

Excellent post and very well said.

The deceased had no connection to you yet you found out by looking on line that she was dead. What will you do if DH looks online in a few years time or finds out from an acquaintance that his mother died? You should inform him now his mother is deceased.

Just say you read his sister’s blog and it mentioned that their mum was dead and ask him if he had read it himself or heard about his mum. Just do it soon, I don’t think it’s really anything for you to agonise over. He will either be sad or relieved or have mixed feelings but the sooner you mention it, the better. Good luck!

OP, could you ask him hypothetically what he would want you to do, if you did discover this?
If he would want to know, then he says so, and you tell him. If he wouldn't, but he guesses why you are asking, well he can still choose to say no. Hopefully he won't be annoyed at you for letting the cat out of the bag? You might explain that you were in an impossible position.

I think you should keep quiet and say nothing. Forget you ever learned this information, and nobody else knows that you know, so they can't tell him you knew. You need to keep right out of it, and if he ever does find out that his mother has passed away, then you can express surprise, shock whatever.

This is just tough.
NC means NC.you can't decide to cut someone off and then expect them to come to you when their grieving for your benefit.

If he wanted to be kept up to date on family news the onus is on him to put that work in.

OP.
You know your husband better than anyone.
You could easily deny all knowledge of ever seeing it. It can't ever be proven and you can just act the motions if told.

Or you can tell him.

Only you know the best course of action.

Is it possible that he already knows and just hasn't said anything? You know him better than anyone so only you can know how he will take this news. I would probably tell him as I don't think I could keep it to myself, I'd feel strongly that it's his mum and he should know. It might be a good idea for him to have some counselling to talk through all the emotions this is likely to bring up

I disagree but I'm not going to argue about it.

Anyway, this thread isn't about whether his sister and father were right or wrong not to tell him but whether the op should. The answer to that is simple, her loyalty is to him & this isn't a secret she can keep.

Did you make a comment on his sister's blog? Is there any way she will know that you have seen it?

The thing is that his mother died during Covid. Presumably he wasn't interested in getting in touch with her during Covid to see if she was okay. I'm not sure what I would do because it depends on what your husband is like really.

Yes because you're keeping a secret otherwise.

I'd say nothing too. He has actively chosen not to be in communication with his parents. I'd just leave it at that.

OP@Anonymousemouses We were told quite a while after the fact that my dad had died….I was ok with it as I had come to terms with the estrangement but my sibling was very upset with the family member who eventually told us because they didn’t tell us straight away….so I would most definitely tell him. It’s not your responsibility to keep this sort of secret from your spouse …it may well bring stuff up for him but I think that’s far better than him finding out later that you’d known and not told him.

I think that you have to tell him now that you know, its an awfully big secret to keep. A very dear friend stopped responding to me a while ago. Took me ages to find out that he had been dead for several years. That was very hard, I'm glad that I know though.

Of COURSE you absolutely have to tell him. When he finds out, and he will, are you planning to lie and try to act surprised? He has a right to know, no matter how complicated it is. And do it straight away, the longer you leave it the weirder it will be that you hid it from him.