Finding 'friend's' behaviour completely insane IANBU to think you do not treat a 6year old like this .

[FlubbersomeFlabbergasted]

Just a bit of rant really.
Been friends with someone who lives nearby for about 15 years, when we met had almost identical life circumstances. She and her husband became godparents to my youngest child now aged 6.5 years.

Over The last 3 years I started experiencing a lot of emotional abuse in my marriage and very controlling behaviour which drove me to the point of almost a complete breakdown. All my friends were aware if this and to most of then and my family it was very apparent.

I temporarily moved into another property- my child was unaffected by her father as the behaviour was directed at me and her home is 3 mins from school. She stayed put. I saw her every Monday and had her Wednesday night and every Fri and sat night ans all day sun too, we tried to do a family activity this day and things were calm. Husband attended intensive counselling.
Initially I had thought we were breaking up and went on a few dates which he knows, i obviouslu I chatted to friends about this.
All this is relevant.

Now the friend situation:
Every Christmas we do a gathering and all exchange presents. Friend couldnt find a free time (she's always very booked) so I dropped the presents at her house. She left them on our doorstep unopened saying she didn't want to accept them and wanted " a friendship sabbatical". Thought this was odd but she has some funny ways so let her get in with it.
Since then things have improved I have moved back home but still have 1 or 2 nights a week on my own as I tend to go out late and it's just easier. ( I don't go to work) And it's quite common amongst our friendship group.
Last weekend I received a long text trellng me friend is no longer talking to me, she is furious with me for "abandoning" my child , she cotes that her grandmother aparently permanently conoletely left her mother aged 11 and this had created problems in her family ever since). So she has huge issues with me having time to both escape and sorry or my psychosocial welfare which was in shreds. She said The fact I expected my husband to learn to cook ( he had never lifted a finger) is also unforgivable, - he leaky couldn't book an egg. And the fact I went on dating apps after he and I broke up means I am no longer the type of person she can ever be friends with again. Clearly those in abusive relationships are just meant to suffer, or if she can't see it it doesn't exist.

Clearly I find this utterly nuts and think she's insane, I don't want to be friends with someone sojudgemental. I'm very bothered by the fact when she sees us with her god child she completely blanks her despite her shouting and waving. What planet do these pepole come from ??
i don't think its me. My other fiends don't think it's me. Soneone like this isn't a loss yo me. I'm just ranting. I do feel sorry for my child that behaviour is unacceptable. And you don't do that to an inn8cebt child when you've made a point of seeing them every week if their like until now

sorry this is so long if you got here

Thoughts would be interesting.

[Azandme]

Sorry, but I would have judged you for leaving a child with an abusive person. It's utterly naive to think it doesn't affect them, as it's well documented that witnessing abuse has an impact.

The rest of it? She's being unreasonable.

[Stickyricepudding]

Yes you lost me at leaving your child with an abuser so you could find yourself and go on dates. Most people I know would have taken their kid with them or expected the abuser to leave the property.

[MariaVT65]

@Azandme

Sorry, but I would have judged you for leaving a child with an abusive person. It's utterly naive to think it doesn't affect them, as it's well documented that witnessing abuse has an impact.

The rest of it? She's being unreasonable.

100% agree

[Tourmalines]

She thinks you care more for your social life than you do for your daughter. She’s allowed her opinion. There is obviously a reason she feels that way .

[OkImListening]

She sounds utterly bonkers and so fucking judgy, you are well rid. You have to let friends deal with their situation how THEY see fit, it's no one else's business.

[cerisepanther73]

@FlubbersomeFlabbergasted

You sound utterly desperate i am assuming you don't have family support at all for whatever reasons 🤷 why is that then?

It's very niave to think 🤔 your decision to leave your child with someone abusive wouldn't have no effect
sooner or later it definitely will

[3luckystars]

Why are you so angry with how this woman is treating your 6 year old after you leaving her with someone like this?

You are an adult and can leave, but your child is trapped.

Forget the friend. Forget the dates. Think about the child and get them out of there.

[THisbackwithavengeance]

Who was the abusive person that the DD was left with? I'm really confused.

[FlubbersomeFlabbergasted]

Maybe some more information which I didn't originally add might help I had to leave at first because I was suicidal at that part I courldnt even lol after myself properly but ol did stil see my daughter -my parents helped my enormously seeing the strain I was under. I certainly didn't leave my daughter to chase men. I needed to be mentally well to look out of unlikely if to be here now for too what was happening then and some other huge life events which happed to fall during that time as well.

Friend doesn't belief husband ever did anything wrong bt the way

[Shiningout]

I find it quite mind boggling that you moved out, left your child with your abusive partner and were going out on dates tbh, but plenty of men do it every day I guess 🤷

[pinkdelight]

It's all quite unusual not least this:

Since then things have improved I have moved back home but still have 1 or 2 nights a week on my own as I tend to go out late and it's just easier. ( I don't go to work) And it's quite common amongst our friendship group.

I don't really get what you mean - are you back with your DH or staying elsewhere? Is he still abusive? Are you still dating? Is it really common in your friendship group for couples who'd split up to sort of be back together but go out a couple of nights a week and not stay at home all night?

You're absolutely welcome to do whatever works for you and I hope your relationship is better and being worked on, but it's not that common for a mum to leave their DC nor for this interim situation to go on. Your (ex?) friend sounds odd with her thing about the cooking and her behaviour, but you sound quite odd too, not least framing this in terms of her treating a 6yo like this, when it's really about the two of you and your DC is collateral damage in these relationships by the sounds of it.

I'd forget about the friend as she's no friend really and godparents are a bit irrelevant these days unless you're very religious which is rarely the case. I don't think she's insane, more that you're both unusual is the nicest way I can put it and perhaps that once helped you be friends but now makes your paths incompatible.

[FlubbersomeFlabbergasted]

There's a complete misunderstanding I've raised

Something had happened to my husband a trauma. It had triggered a phase of emotionally controlling behaviour towards me specially. It was never directedat any of your children, 3 if whom are adult, only one of whom is 6. one of them lives at home . They never experience any issues, they have shay's been at me. After husband started counselling matters stopped and have been a they always were for the previous 20 years I moved back. Things have been without issue , happy and calm

[pinkdelight]

Re your latest update - you're allowed to date and stay out late but you can see how it might look to some/your friend. You didn't leave to chase men and you needed to leave your child to survive etc doesn't stack up as the full story. She's not got the full story either if she thinks your DH did nothing wrong so as I say she's no friend. But marriages and separations - and sort of reconciliations - are complicated and often those on the outside don't get it. You're doing what you feel you need to do, but not everyone will understand and your justifications may ring false to them if they have different values and so on. All you can do is be honest with yourself about what's best for you and your DC.

[FlubbersomeFlabbergasted]

@pinkdelight Not still dating no he's not abusive,
We have very different interests, I'm a late night person he isn't at allif I go out late the other place is tight in town its far easier to go back to and far safer. It's just a way of having a bit of space. Sometimes my child and I do fun stuff in town at weekends which he doesn't enjoy im for example while he prefere to sit and watch tv.
I meant that lots of your friends are lucky enough to have 2 homes in some cases one partner lives in each but they are a couple, in others they might live a few days apart

[Meadowfinch]

To be honest I struggle understanding any mum who left her 6yo. Maybe I shouldn't but I do. I've been through all sorts of rubbish in the last 15 years but never once have I even considered leaving my ds with his df or anyone else. And I don't have living parents to help me. I work full time, pay a mortgage, run a house, have full time care of ds. Nothing short of being forcibly hospitalised would make me leave him.

But you are clearly satisfied that your decision was the right one, and you know yourself and your medical history best. So why should you care what she thinks? You and she disagree. It happens. Move on and find new friends.

[FlubbersomeFlabbergasted]

@cerisepanther73 My family are so incredibly supportive. Why would you assume that. The urged me to get some space before I finally completely had a total breakdown.

[FlubbersomeFlabbergasted]

I'm also surprised people consider having your child generally Mon, wed, Fri, sat and son (she does activities with her dad on Tues and Thurs so it's not be with her anyway) it's consudered leaving hrr with him too much. She went home to bed there in mon and sun night but from school she was with me those days and weekends.
Its was unreasonable to move so her stuff into somewhere tiny when I wasn't planing to be there for the long term. I didn't know.

[LunaMay]

Perhaps she doesn't believe he was bad because you went back and so it justified her thoughts? Anyway the friendships over. She was direct with you about her issues, you've been bitching about her to your other friends and now on here. I know who i'd rather be friends with.

[FlubbersomeFlabbergasted]

@LunaMay she has no idea ïve gone back, buy she took great delight every telling every neighbour in our area my business early on, that we had masseurs issues, i was depressed, that is moved out, as she saw it as her "duty".I don't find that normal either. Like I said im just having an anonymous rant.

[FlubbersomeFlabbergasted]

@Meadowfinch I was at the brink of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital as my metal state had deteriorated to such a trouble low. I was allowed to stay out of I was in a quiet place with daily check inn's to recover. I honestly think I'd be dead otherwise. It wasn't a normal situation remotely. If aldi just undergone a dose of chemo. Not an easy time.

[Octavia64]

If there was a lot of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour towards you then your 6 year ld was almost certainly aware of it.

If your mental health was so bad that you needed time on your own with meds/support/check in then that is one thing but the dating other men during that time isn't really consistent with that story.

In an ideal world if you husband was abusive for whatever reason your 6 year old would have been better away from him, even temporarily.

[MyLovelyPurse]

OP I’m sorry about the way you suffered with your mental health in the past and I hope life is happier and more stable now. I’m sure most people can appreciate how difficult it was for you at that time.

It’s easy to understand and sympathise with your mental health struggles but there are so many other things about your posts that are very unusual. Giving more and more detailed accounts of your breakdown doesn’t really explain the choices you made. For example, why were you dating at that time and do you honestly think it was fine for your children?

Your situation right now is the hardest to understand. No judgement at all, but I can’t understand why a woman with two children needs to regularly go out all night. And where do you stay when you stay out? How do you afford it if you don’t work? Where do you get the energy?

Yes, the ‘friend’ is odd too. I don’t understand why she is causing so much drama. It’s not unusual to stop liking someone, but you can just stop seeing them without all the operatics.

You and your friend both live in a world I don’t recognise.

[FlubbersomeFlabbergasted]

@Octavia64 yes of course, there is a timeline which makes it more logical. It's not all at the same time.
Hospital, staying with patents, for a month seeing my daughter with my patents or a friend as I couldn't mange alone at all, transferring to a place alone, (colectimgs my daughter from school Mondays, Wednesdays dusts for the weekend doing sth with her dad too on Sundays.) She was aware I was extremely upset when I was at home before and alwYss crying but didn't know why . She was plessed that stopped ,daddys much more fun and I do a lot more things with her toor.. it took about 3 months for me to go on a couple of dates.i was on meds and counselling too. these were all one off drinks, it was a curiosity to see what the rest of the world was like. In comparison
I'm so much better in myself. Husband had got himself in gear, shock horror he had actually learned to cook and operate the dishwasher for the first time ever. Oir child sends jappy, the psychologist had kept monitoring and all seems fine we are told. So im really not too concerned and did the only thing i could.. its hard to accurately hard to describe circumstances I suppose

[IfOnlyLifeWasSimpler]

She is only saying what your other friends will be thinking.

[Beautiful3]

If this were true, you didn't need to go on dates. It all seems a bit strange to move out while feeling suicidal, then straight into a series of dates?! If he were abusive enough to drive me to suicide, then I would never have left my child alone with him. I'm sorry, but I would have ended our friendship too, because you abandoned her. I had a friend whose mum left her (and never seen again) and her siblings when.she was 5, because she wasn't happy. It had a massive afffect on them all. I hope you both go to.counsellling and resolve this.