Dating advice please for someone who is anxiously attached / takes things personally….

[Lostindating2023]

Name change for this one….

So I went on a first date tonight. I thought it went well, chat flowed, we laughed etc.

Anyway when we were saying goodbye we hugged and he said “let’s keep in touch”. Wtf does that mean?! I then suggested doing something next week and out of nerves / anxiety (not alcohol) whether we would kiss, I can’t remember his reaction. And then he said “get home safe”.

I am now home and not heard anything from him.

“Let’s keep in touch” what does that mean??

Should I message saying I am home, had a good time, hope you got home too?

Okay I did message. He said he was home
too and thanks for a lovely evening.

Anyone?

It means what it says. He would like to get in touch with you again. I would suggest texting sometime next week (if he doesn't text you first) and suggest another date.

It means what it says.

Have some therapy maybe?

I had therapy for five years, met dp about two years in. I've never had a relationship like it.

OP, take a breath and relax, I can hear this is really anxiety provoking for you. Try to take a little step back from the situation and don’t read to much into what he has said. If he isn’t interested, you’ll know pretty quickly as he won’t be texting/arranging any future dates. I hope you get some more support on here and I wish you a relaxing evening.

@FoodieWoodie you couldn’t have described it any more accurate. It’s really anxiety provoking for me.

I guess I’m just thinking if he wanted to see me again, he would have outright said that as I brought it up on the date about doing something again next week and he didn’t really respond.

Argh yes I am a massive over thinker 🤦🏼‍♀️

Also if I am honest, this is the first date in just under 1.5 years where I haven’t kissed / slept with them on a first date. So maybe I’m just assuming he isn’t interested when actually this is how it should be!

I get it hun. Dating has a lot of uncertainties. You’ve made your position clear so just see what happens over the next few days.

I would just leave it. Try to calm your mind and body and get a good night's sleep. Fill your days with other things. If you hear from him, that's nice and if you don't it's no big deal.

Yeah this is why I don’t date. Because I have a scarcity mindset and no self confidence and a highly anxious attachment style. Arghhh!

I am just going to pull away. My gut instinct is telling me he’s not interested…

Arghh how can I stop overthinking and over analysing everything!!!

With respect, the number of posts you have dropped on this extremely small issue and the way you’re going back in forth emotionally in them suggest to me that your anxiety is extreme enough that the help you need should come from a professional, not strangers on the internet.

You have 4 potential plays here.

1. He is interested, you don't contact him now anxiously, he contacts you next week
2. He is not interested, you don't contact him now, he doesn't contact you next week
3. He is interested, you contact him now anxiously, you fuck it up, he is no longer interested
4. He is not interested, you contact him now anxiously, he doesn't reply or turns you down.

There is no world where contacting him now anxiously is a good idea. Save his number as "DO NOT CONTACT, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF INSTEAD", do not contact him.

When you feel the huge anxiously yearning, take a breath and imagine that it is the pull of all that love within you, pulling toward him. Then consciously think of the flow of love reversing and going back into you, fulfilling all your needs, calming and soothing you.

Keep trying that as much as you can, and give yourself a break x

Therapy asap

I’m sorry it’s so hard. I get anxious too. My tack is not to pursue, just have a nice time on dates and then wait. No need to show your hand - keen men will ask you out again. Things always become clear in time. Remember you are awesome.

It’s really hard when you feel you’re in an information vacuum - distract yourself, bug your friends, if you’re tempted to text out of neediness put your phone away. If you err on the side of being less available, men won’t like you any less.

I don’t have any game whatsoever, in my experience it saves time and angst if you just let yourself be pursued, and the end result is roughly the same.

@Immemorialelms i already texted him saying I got home and we’ve exchanged a few messages but very brief….

Well I’ve not heard anything from him today! I sent the last message saying goodnight (he had messaged goodnight before that).

guess that means he isn’t interested…?

Anyone…? 😞

Oh op. This is so unhealthy. It’s anxious and desperate. You can’t win them all and this is a stranger. I s there anyone who can support you in real life? Have you had any therapy to help with your mental health?

I think you need to go on every date assuming that it probably won't go any further (your choice or theirs) and that if it does then that's just a plus. You need to just enjoy the date for what it is - one date. Then you need to have a life full of other things so you can spend your time thinking about them rather than the date itself. If you come across as desperate then unfortunately it is likely to either put people off or make them think it will be easy to take advantage of you.

Lets keep in touch could mean he wants to keep in touch with you or it could be a brush off. Don't take it personally if it's a brush off, it just means he's not the right person for you.

Even the style of your messaging on here screams anxiety and desperation - anyone?! You need to chill, don’t treat every date as a possible relationship, it’s just a first date. There may or may not be a second. Even if there is, it may or may not lead to more, and either way is vanishingly unlikely to be the love of your life. Take the pressure off you both and just try to hang out and enjoy a date for what it is. Easier said than done I know. But you will squash any chance of a relationship with anyone behaving like this after one date.

OP, an anxious attachment doesn’t come out of thin air. It usual forms in a core relationship, where there has been ambivalence and uncertainty - which is very painful. I agree with seeking therapy, however, I would look for a relational therapist, this can be extremely reparative. I recommend Gestalt therapy but anyone who you feel a good rapport with will be good too. The origin of your attachment style may not be your fault, but how this shapes your future is truly in your hands.

And I sincerely hope you find healing, I really mean that. Good luck my luv x

I'd be like you too OP. TBH I can even be like it when expecting a call from friends.

TBH I'd have thought he'd have mentioned seeing you again, given all the opportunities you've given him, if that was his intention.

Easier said than done, but l think we have to see it as nothing lost and a bonus if he calls. You had a nice evening, if it was a one off it was still a good evening and you're in the same position as you were before.

OP how is your anxiety generally? How are your friendships? What was school like for you? Were you anxious/depressed as a child? Do you struggle with social relationships?

It might not be an ‘anxious attachment style’ that you’re suffering from, it could be any number of other issues.