Did boomers get it right?

[GreyGoosehound]

I’ve lurked on several recent posts about deteriorating behaviour in schools, with increasing violence and 4 and 5 year olds who don’t have basic skills.

I’ve also seen threads and SM posts about boomers, mainly negative. But it’s also acknowledged that GenX are quite a hardy, resilient bunch.

I am generation X, and have brought up my genZ children differently to how I was raised. I was more present in their lives, made huge efforts to meet their needs in a way that my parents didn’t, as did many other parents in my age group.

You don’t need to look hard to find criticism of Millenials and GenZ, and GenAlpha (2012+) are commonly discussed as nightmare fodder.

Did the benign neglect and distanced parenting of boomers work better for growing children? Did the freedom that GenX had make a huge difference in their development?

I know there are global issues that contribute - the internet must have made a huge difference to both parenting and in child development, financially GenX had an easier time of becoming independent from parents, all this will have an effect.

I wonder if this is just a blip in human development, or how genZ and future generations will parent their children in response to how they were parented.
Thought this would make an interesting discussion.

I think as I am a parent of a sixth former I’m starting to realise the motivation and reasons behind the seemingly over involved parent- namely that the whole thing is so bloody expensive, heavily subsidised by your parents if they are earning over £63000 , that they have a lot to lose if it goes wrong. The fact that the parents are means tested for maintenance funding, involves the parents whether you like it or not! This was never a factor for my generation so even if I don’t agree with it, I can see how the mechanisms in place have caused this shift in attitudes.

And a fair few of boomer parents didn’t either. And a fair few of other generations didn’t either. Lots of boomer kids were kicked out or ignored whilst their parents chatted and left to do their own thing. Seen and not heard type crap.

Neglectful parenting is neglectful parenting. It’s always existed and always will. It’s just being done in a different manner. Thats not a generational thing, it’s a shit parent thing.

The biggest barrier to progress is comfort. Because those children have never been uncomfortable, they have no idea how to deal with uncomfortable situations

@Hereyoume I agree with this. Also, IMHO, modern society is too quick to pathologize normal, human emotions eg most people feel anxious before an exam. That's not anxiety

I’m having this issue with GPs and me at the moment. I’ve told them what I believe is wrong with me but they keep telling me it’s ‘anxiety’ and I have to complete a counselling course to get further support.

This seems to be a way to avoid dealing with shit - just tell someone they’ve got anxiety and send them on their way with an online link to mindfulness.

Carenz
Totally agree I wasn’t putting the two against each other I was just answering the poster who said phones aren’t the reason behind kids being ignored!

I was born in 1985 but both of my parents were half-raised by people born in the late 1800s (because of either the deaths of their own parent or cirumstance) As a result, my upbringing was massively different to a lot of my friends. There wasn't a modern outlook on things, but I don't think that's a bad thing tbh. There were rules and ways of doing things that I still continue to this day.

As a child, I wouldn't have said there was benign neglect, just more freedom. I was allowed to play out from an early age and by the time I was 12 I would regularly be allowed on day trips 30 miles from home...cycling or hiking or whatever.

My parents were strict and they hit us, but again I never felt unloved or abused.

I don't know what it is with the younger generation. There are some 20 odd year olds at work and they seem ill equipped for life. It's like they've been raised for the world to fit around them, rather than for them to fit into the world and be able to roll with the punches.

That’s a very fair point… I hadn’t thought of it from this angle- thank you

I haven't rtft so maybe already mentioned but "The Coddling of the American Mind" is a great book on this. In essence, yes we haven't let our children get enough knocks (not abuse!) in childhood to build resilience and good mental health.

@Goldenbear Thata a good point. Here in the US uni tuition is so expensive that we save for it throughout their childhoods, so we definitely have a big stake when they go to uni. DD knows that she’ll be wasting our savings if she doesn’t make an effort to study, but I don’t interfere in her social life and interests. I trust her not to make terrible decisions - and tbh, she calls us for advice if she’s unsure about something or wants to vent. That’s what we’re here for!

Is there any data referring to basic skills and whether a child has been at home, or preschool or has SEN? It would be useful to know. Are SAHP failing, is preschool failing or is ms forced to take more SEN DC to document failure before a suitable placement is found?

My parents were nothing I would want to emulate. I left home as soon as I could. Independence or desire to escape? I had been 'independent' since the age of 2! Didn't do me any good. I was as good as feral. School was a shock to the system. My parents were respectable working class and didn't think their parenting was different from the norm.

I just missed boomer as born in 1966. I have raised my DC differently. Good job I did given ND. I was a warrior to get their needs met when needed so am a SEN tribunal veteran. But life is different now. Home is a safe place for them. They are encouraged to do what they can and given a gentle push when needed. DC2 is due to start an engineering degree later this year. We cohabit amicably and share quotidian laughs. I could never have done that with my parents.

I had to give up my life to be a carer though and maybe there's something about fitting in with others needs as a child and then replicating this as an adult but I don't know the alternative with SEN DC. Even if my parents had been perfect I would still choose to be a carer. Even though it is so so hard.

In all honesty I do feel it is sometimes intrusive, even now in the 6th form, I’m not a micro manager type personality so it is problematic but even my overthinking on my parental strategy is probably indicative of my Gen X approach to life😂

my DH and I had our eldest relatively young amongst our peers mid to late 20s my DH is actually just a millennial so a millennial with a gen Z and A children so none of our friends are thinking about university funding some have only just finished paying nursery fees! Financially this is very daunting but I want DS to have the experiences we did but I equally feel that is a lot of pressure on him as well.

This. Hands down. I am reaping the rewards of it in the workplace and it is bloody awful. Company can't get the staff.

Yes, I suppose UK only just comparable or maybe less (I hope not for your sakes)to U.S; you definitely sound better prepared than us with savings, we are having to gather investors- our Boomer parents 😂 not that they can all help but our Mums on both sides want to so yes probably will accept. DS can get a job potentially but we’ll have to see. It’s good that you are restrained from interfering in social life, I think that is the key they definitely need to go navigate that, not that DS has my problem with working hard on social life!

@Goldenbear Unfortunately, it’s out of control here, we’re talking tens of thousands. That’s why parents prepare for years and students apply for every scholarship going. There can be considerable help for low-income families, which is great. If you’re in the squeezed middle though, you need parental help and loans. It’s ridiculous, tbh. One of my friends’ DD’s had to turn down a place at a very prestigious university, because they just couldn’t make the numbers work. Tuition was $80,000 a year. 😳 She got scholarships but it was still too expensive.

80000 a year!! Goodness, that is loads definitely a life long plan that you are invested in heavily with your DC!

I get what you are saying but personally as Gen X I felt very much unloved by my boomer parents so while yes I was and am incredibly independent it came at a cost. There is a middle ground certainly. I'm not a perfect parent at all but my kids are very much loved and also well behaved - I did tell them off and did shout at them unlike several of my friends but I also treated them like they mattered. They aren't as independant now in their late teens as I was but they are getting there just a bit slower. We have a great relationship - at the same age me and my parents barely tolerated each other and had next to no relationship. I actually get on with my parents very well now but I needed some therapy to feel better about myself in my 20s!

Yep, it’s hard choices sometimes @goldenbear. I was appalled at my DH’s student debt when we got together ( I’m British) but then I started to understand!

showing my age here but my understanding was only from Dawson’s creek, I know fiction but I remember the storyline about Joey and and the difficulties she was having to overcome to get into uni as no parents just her older sister. No offence intended with the Dawson Creek references, just occurred to me, I appreciate that isn’t American life although looked pretty good to me.

I think about this a lot. The thing I envy most about my boomer dps was their certainty about their parenting. They firmly believe that there is a right way to parent, and other people’s dc’s failings are due to failures of their parenting, except in a few cases which are due to the defective character of the dc.

There are generations of neurodiversity in my family and my parenting gets criticised with well meaning advice that my autistic ds will end up like Uncle Bob (the oddbod) if I don’t toughen him up. He quite possibly will end up a lot like Uncle Bob but I hope we might avoid compounding his issues with shame, bullying and abuse.

But I often feel completely adrift as a parent because so many of my decisions are based on breaking cycles and doing different. And I’m not at all convinced that my best intentions are going to be enough

I had mental health issues as a teenager, and still have them, that, in hindsight, are the consequence of trying to cope as a then-undiagnosed autistic in a neurotypical world and all the crap, like being sexual assaulted aged eight, that comes from being vulnerable because of my undiagnosed and unsupported SEND.

I attempted suicide more than once and still have self-harm scars.

"Life is tough, find ways to cope" doesn't work for people who are actually ill or disabled. That includes mental illness.

https://funlexia.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/If-physical-illness-were-treated-like-mental-illness.jpg

Here's what Boomers got right:

• being born immediately after the population crash caused by a world war, so that jobs were easy to come by and houses relatively cheap.
• having their own kids at a period in history when it was still normal to institutionalise severely disabled children.
• having their own kids at a time when social housing was plentiful.
• having their own kids at a time when "Borstal" was still in the English vocabulary.

And that's it.

They were a privileged generation born to survivors of war and this shaped how they were brought up and how they brought their kids up. It's easy to be a hands-off uninvested parent when you got a job down the pit or in the factory the day you left school and you think your kids will be able to do the same. It's easy to be a hands-off uninvested parent when you know that little Sally will get a council house easily for herself and her husband. It's easy to be a hands-off uninvested parent when you know that if your kid really misbehaves, they'll be sent to what is basically a prison. And the "SENco parents" schools see now just didn't exist because those children weren't in mainstream schooling and often didn't even live at home.

Modern parents have the anxiety of knowing that their own jobs are precarious and housing costs climb ever higher. Modern parents know that their kids face the same or worse when they grow up. Modern parents know that "I'll call the police" doesn't work on kids any more. Modern parents with a disabled child will inevitably "short change" any non-disabled siblings and those siblings will be jealous and misbehave to get attention. The birth rate is falling as increasing numbers of reproductive-age adults opt out of parenthood, and we are opting out for good reasons. Those who did have kids, some of them will "check out" of parenting because the challenge of preparing their kids for the hellscape of modern life is too much for them to handle.

I’m 60, my parents were born in the 1930s. Their parenting wasn’t distant. I don’t think mine is either

@Theothername and @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia I just want to send you both a hug.

I was born in 1971 and my sister in 1973. She was profoundly disabled with Downs Syndrome and heart issues. Obviously, her needs were seen as more important at the time. My father was an abusive alcoholic and my Mum left him when I was four years old. The only way she could safely do this was to run away with me, and put my sister in care.

I was diagnosed with Autism aged 51 after decades of struggling. My daughter was diagnosed with Autism aged 11. My parenting is definitely influenced by my own experiences. I accept that my Mum did right by me at the time, but I think I've always felt responsible for her since (almost parent / child reversal) as I know what she went through. Her own parents were so obsessed with the stigma of disability, alcoholism and single parenting that they were pretty bloody useless. (What will the neighbours think?)

I think the one thing that's saved me is that my grandparents eventually stepped up a bit. My own parents (Mum and stepdad) have also finally realised that my Autism and my daughters Autism isn't some sort of made up shit in our heads. My god, it took a long time, though. I guess they went through a lot of guilt, and had to process that.

It's highly likely that my Mum, birth father and Nanna are / were Neurodiverse. In fact I've just come from a hospital visit to my Mum. She's being difficult, and all I see is undiagnosed Neurodivergence.

I'm thankful that me and DD are diagnosed. There's so much talk about over diagnosis and 'diagnosis is given out like sweets' This pisses me off. It's helped me and DD to understand who we are. I don't think I have trauma from my childhood. I think I'm fairly pragmatic about it, but I think that comes down to luck, really. DD is definitely more pre disposed to the anxiety side of things. I swear she was anxious from the day she was born, and my god, I've done everything every which way to combat this, but it's genetic.

There's still so much stigma. I've recently asked for help from various healthcare professionals. If I fight her corner too much, I'm an over protective, neurotic parent. If I don't engage as they see fit, I'm borderline neglectful. You are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

It is definitely not as simple as screens / helicopter parenting = bad, old school = good. (As some would like to think)

I think it’s worth remembering that gen x was heavily criticised when we were in our 20s .
There is a lack of resilience amongst some gen z and possibly this is not helped by the world having revolved around them for most of their childhood and not being made to get on with things. There is also a cohort of gem z who are not making a fuss and drawing attention to themselves. They are quietly getting on with education and jobs whilst inwardly seething at social injustices . I think they will be an interesting generation to watch when that hardworking set start to make their mark in about 10 years.

I think children born before all the media stuff are definitely the lucky ones. Adults and children are just too dependent on their ‘devices’ now. There’s no imaginative play or interaction. It’s sad and soulless.