Family support worker - what’s going on?

[Bearsinmotion]

DD is in year 7. She’s generally happy in school, happy at home, very good grades, no behavioural issues have been raised previously. I have had some minor concerns about neurodiversity - she struggles with loud noises and can get excessively upset when rules aren’t followed - but not to an unmanageable degree, plus she is 12 and learning about herself and her boundaries. She has a small but strong friendship group and a reputation as someone who stands up for herself and her friends.

So I was surprised to be called for a meeting with the school family support worker last week. Apparently concerns have been raised that she is “anxious” in lessons and has a difficult friendship with someone “through no fault of hers.”

The meeting was not a pleasant experience. Apparently concerns have been raised by several teachers but it wasn’t at all clear what they were. She has been scratched by her brother (months ago and it was made very clear to him this was unacceptable). She wears extra sleeves on her arms which could cover up self harm. They don’t, she wears them because her jumper is itchy but there are no marks on her arms at all.

Otherwise it was all about me. I have a disability, which “must be hard.” Not really, I have had it for life and it’s well managed. Apparently her dad lives in a caravan and has an MH condition? Both true. He also has a very good job, is very supportive even though we are separated, contributes more than enough financially. She asked about my medical condition, my financial situation, my job, relationship with my parents and friends and gave me a massive form to fill in.

I had to keep repeating that none of these were unusual or an issue and I wanted to understand the concerns the school had about DD. Turns out the support worker never met her, and all she could tell me was that DD was sometimes anxious in class, her brother had scratched her and about her sleeves.

I left feeling that it would have gone very differently had DD’s behaviour been the same but she had two able bodied parents who lived together. I requested a meeting with her tutor to see if I can get to the bottom of what is going on at school. I have spoken to DD who says they are over reacting and she’s happy there (with the usual preteen friendship spats!). But is this normal? Am I missing something? Or am I just being judged for being a disabled single parent?

narniabusiness this worries me too! My condition means holding a pen is difficult. DD was delighted when she realised she might have inherited this and told the school at the time (primary) that’s why her handwriting is messy. There is no evidence for this actually being the case 🙄

I can understand why you feel upset about this, you must feel really put under a spotlight. I've had some support worker involvement, at my own instigation though, and even then I felt a bit like I might be judged. I really wasn't though, thankfully and it turned out to be helpful.

Just on the young carer thing though, it really isn't a bad thing to be identified as one. The most helpful thing my support workers did in their brief involvement was to identify my DD as a young carer because of her brother's needs. Now she doesn't deliver any personal care for her brother but her life is impacted by his needs. The support worker flagged this to her school and she was invited to join their young carers group. It's been lovely for her, it's a safe space with some great kids and sympathetic staff who she can go to if she's feeling anxious. I would never have thought of asking about it as in my head she wasn't a carer and we shield her from things. But actually there are impacts on her life because of her brother and it's good for her to have space to talk about that away from us. It's not a bad thing and a young carer doesn't have to be that Children In Need clip viewpoint of a 13 year old cooking dinner and doing all the laundry. It's way more nuanced than I ever realised.

Sorry, that was very long! Just to reiterate I do totally understand why you've been thrown and upset by this. But do see if you can gain anything from it, you might be surprised.

Yes, we know.

Your reaction to this is unreasonable though.

They said several teachers had expressed concern about her anxiety. You said yourself she struggles with loud noises, can get 'excessively upset' when rules aren't followed, was scratched by her brother and wears extra sleeves even under her school jumper which you acknowledged could hide self-harm. They could also hide injuries.

They are all red flags. For ND or for possible undiagnosed MH problems, or abuse.

Add to that your family situation which every single statistic on child mental health, neglect or maltreatment says can be risk factors. Then they need to check it out and that's all their doing. Your defensive reaction and your unwillingness to consider that your DD even could be considered a young carer is also a red flag.

Being a young carer isn't limited to practical support - which you may not realise your DD does as it's just part of your lives - or it may be that she just provides emotional support or she does none of those things BUT it is the responsibility of the school to consider it and explore it.

It's not about you. It's about them trying to figure out if your DD needs support. You unilaterally deciding she doesn't isn't the point, they have procedures to go through with your DDs safety and wellbeing as the aim.

Can I also suggest that you think a bit more about the possibility of her being autistic and talk to school about that? My DD is also autistic and I therefore have made lots of friends with kids in the same boat. This is the classic time for the wheels to fall off for autistic girls. They mask their way through primary school, hit secondary and hormones and pressure and the masking falls apart. I'd definitely raise it with school at that meeting.

Just say that to her tutor, has your Dd been investigated in anyway about being neurodiverse?

Christmastreegremlin but that’s kind of my point. The meeting was about me. Before the meeting I had heard nothing from teachers about any issues, the thing about noise and rule following was not raised by them, that was me guessing what they mean about her being anxious.

I do know my daughter. I would have welcomed a meeting to learn about any concerns in school and to discuss what could be done. I don’t like being asked personal questions by someone who hasn’t even met my daughter and can’t tell me in any detail what is actually happening in school.

It's worth being aware of a few things here:

If your DD is anxious, for example about something to do with her dad and his mental health, the school will not necessarily be able to share it with you as you are not together
So it's possible that school are not allowed to share the details of their com webs with you

It's also possible that your DD is self harming and school know because she has told them. Many students in that situation do not want their parents told because they are worried about the reaction. School have a duty of care to your DD but do not have to inform you of everything especially if she is deemed Gillick competent.

TeaAtTheDisco Good point, I will. I didn’t get to mention it at the initial meeting, as I said there were no questions about DD, it was all about me.

Just to say if she is self harming it’s totally unrelated to the sleeve thing!

She is generally very open with me at home, we have a very close relationship. Of course I can’t be 100% sure but I think it’s unlikely she is telling the school things she isn’t telling me, from experience it’s more likely she enjoys the attention!

The difficulty with the school’s approach is that it did put me on the defensive and I now feel that anything I say (including the above) won’t be taken seriously because of the perceptions they already have of me. Perceptions that wouldn’t have been there had I been a more traditional parent.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your child is have anxiety or panic attacks in class, becoming emotionally unregulated etc. by the way you have reacted on this thread, I wouldn’t be surprised if your child was afraid of telling this to you in case you reacted badly.

Very helpful Mayflower, thank you.

You don't think your and her dad's issues don't impact her or make her a young carer. But she may well feel differently but not be able to express this. I agree that it would have been helpful if the FSW had been able to be more specific but I would suggest being open to offers of support.

12 is a difficult age when they start to become more independent and have a life you are less part of making being sure what they think and feel harder.

She is not a young caret but I do appreciate the situation will have an impact on her. Hopefully things will be clearer after the tutor meeting…

*carer

You do not have the power to refuse additional support on her behalf.

In a secondary school the school have a duty of care to the student. Not to you. They (mostly) will keep you informed but they don't have to and if they feel that it is in the best interests of the child not to tell you something they will not tell you.

They can and will put additional support in place whether you like it or not.

And therein lies the problem. I want to help and support my DD. But I can’t unless I understand what’s going on. Is it really in the best interest of the child to put in “additional support” based on assumptions? Am I really unreasonable to want to understand what school are seeing than vague descriptions from someone who has never met her?

What form did they get you to fill in? Was it an Early Help Assessment?

Strengths and Needs?

I wonder if your dd has said anything to her friends about home, especially her Dad as you yourself said you worry about him? I work in a school and in my experience students tell their friends and teachers things they might not disclose to parents as they don't want to hurt their parent's feelings.

She may have done but I think she’s usually quite honest with me, I know there are some teachers she likes and has commented to about her dad living in a caravan (it is actually a brand new park home but technically a caravan!). She’s also asked me to speak to her tutor before because a supply teacher saw her short hair and trousers and assumed she was a boy, and she trusted her tutor to have a quiet word because she was embarrassed…

I mean her dad's mobile home sounds quite swanky I wonder if the FSW just assumed a beat up tourer in the woods somewhere ?

My strong advice to you would be to engage but to not say too much. These people are not on your side.

I think they are being massively OTT and I can't see what it's based on other than your disability and marital status tbh

Dd is anxious in class and had a scratch on her arm. I can't see why that would trigger such a response.

Mrsjayy yes, it’s very nice, I would happily live there if it was just me!

Beaniebeemer I hate to agree with you but that’s increasingly how I feel.