Family support worker - what’s going on?

[Bearsinmotion]

DD is in year 7. She’s generally happy in school, happy at home, very good grades, no behavioural issues have been raised previously. I have had some minor concerns about neurodiversity - she struggles with loud noises and can get excessively upset when rules aren’t followed - but not to an unmanageable degree, plus she is 12 and learning about herself and her boundaries. She has a small but strong friendship group and a reputation as someone who stands up for herself and her friends.

So I was surprised to be called for a meeting with the school family support worker last week. Apparently concerns have been raised that she is “anxious” in lessons and has a difficult friendship with someone “through no fault of hers.”

The meeting was not a pleasant experience. Apparently concerns have been raised by several teachers but it wasn’t at all clear what they were. She has been scratched by her brother (months ago and it was made very clear to him this was unacceptable). She wears extra sleeves on her arms which could cover up self harm. They don’t, she wears them because her jumper is itchy but there are no marks on her arms at all.

Otherwise it was all about me. I have a disability, which “must be hard.” Not really, I have had it for life and it’s well managed. Apparently her dad lives in a caravan and has an MH condition? Both true. He also has a very good job, is very supportive even though we are separated, contributes more than enough financially. She asked about my medical condition, my financial situation, my job, relationship with my parents and friends and gave me a massive form to fill in.

I had to keep repeating that none of these were unusual or an issue and I wanted to understand the concerns the school had about DD. Turns out the support worker never met her, and all she could tell me was that DD was sometimes anxious in class, her brother had scratched her and about her sleeves.

I left feeling that it would have gone very differently had DD’s behaviour been the same but she had two able bodied parents who lived together. I requested a meeting with her tutor to see if I can get to the bottom of what is going on at school. I have spoken to DD who says they are over reacting and she’s happy there (with the usual preteen friendship spats!). But is this normal? Am I missing something? Or am I just being judged for being a disabled single parent?

It's not that you're being judged, but that there are additional possible risk factors for your DD that they want to check out.

I agree it sounds over the top for them to be demanding this much personal information from you without being able to articulate what the actual concerns are.

So risk factors based on my disability and parental status?

Children whose parents have a disability are more likely to have problems as teens.

Sometimes this is because they are taking on responsibilities for household tasks or for personal or emotional care if he parent with disabilities, but actually just having a parent who has needs does impact them.

I am disabled myself and it did and does continue to have an impact on my children. They are now adults and have shared some of it with me.

If her dad has mh issues and lives in a caravan and you are disabled they will have identified her as a young carer.

Young carers are usually given support by the school whether that be no sanctions for the occasional late homework or a carers group where they can meet other children of disabled parents and talk about what it is like.

Often children of disabled parents are more anxious and worried because they can see how much harder life is for their disabled parent. School offering support with this is a good thing.

I have a permanent disability my dc are adults though and I had a similar experience to you.when 1 of mine was a teenager, I do think this FSW was over the top considering she hadn't even seen your Dd , however try and concentrate on her and what's going on at school and definitely speak up for yourself, but the school have concerns about your Dd work with them not against them.

Yes.

Schools and local education authorities are increasingly aware that young carers are less likely than other students to be successful in education. They are trying to put in support for them.

A young carer in this context is anyone under 18 who has a parent with a disability or illness. You have a disability. Her dad has a mh illness.

www.hampshirescp.org.uk/an-introduction-to-identifying-and-supporting-young-carers/#:~:text=Early%20identification%20is%20crucial%20to,identified%20in%20the%202021%20census.

Yes, you and her dad having health issues can have an effect on your child.

I do think they are judging you. But I think everyone judges everyone. They are trying to get more information to make an accurate judgment rather than basing it on the little information they have. Now that you have provided that information, hopefully they can get on with supporting your DD in the best way possible. It's what happens next that is key. Do they continue hassling you and going on about her situation at home, or do they show understanding to her neuro diversity traits and look at possible assessment.

She is not a young carer. Her life is no different in that sense from her peers. She doesn’t take on any additional tasks or emotional responsibilities where I am concerned, although I do worry about the relationship with her dad sometimes.

I think my real concern was the inability of the support worker to articulate the schools concerns leaving me in the dark about what was going on but being expected to answer personal questions from a stranger who hasn’t even met her.

There could be risks there yes, that's what they're exploring.

Risk factors for neglect or maltreatment can include parental physical and mental health, poverty, parental substance misuse and on and on.

Being a single parent means you are more likely to live in poverty than any other family group in the UK - that's a fact. Of course that doesn't automatically equal living in poverty but that's why they're asking you all these questions. To check out things are okay.

Think of it this way, concerns have been raised about your DD. For risk and safeguarding purposes, the school will have to think about the family and what they know is, Mum is a disabled single parent, Dad has MH problems and lives in a caravan. They need to explore those things with you to establish that everything is okay.

To not do so would be a failure on their part in their safeguarding procedures. Which are designed to safeguard children and help families that need it.

They're doing their jobs, not judging you.

But nothing in her behaviour or appearance will indicate poverty or neglect, and I remain none the wiser about what her anxiety is or how it manifests. And she is being treated differently because she is from a single parent family and has parents with disabilities. Lovely.

She is being offered extra support because she comes from a single parent family with disabilities.

Many people spend years fighting with schools for extra support for their dc. You don't want it because.....

It was so frustrating - all closed questions about me, nothing about her at all.

You are right I think the school have jumped onto your circumstances without getting the whole picture which Is unfair, your Dd might have extra worry though and it could be a contributing factor on her own mental health,

It sounded frustrating and probably like you were being accused with all sorts.

Octavia64 She does not need extra support just because I am single or have a disability. If she needs support it should be based on her needs, which the support worker was
unable to tell me.

Not every disabled person needs a carer. Not every single parent is poor.

Thank you Mrsjayy, this is what concerns me, and what I just didn’t get from the meeting…

Hmmm.

As a teacher I can read between the lines and I know what their concerns were. I think the meeting was to ascertain what the situation was at home and and see if there was potential to work together.

So...

Many children in secondary school get anxious. EBSA is a big thing at the moment - there are a lot of students very anxious about going to school, and a lot of students anxious about being in school.

What this anxiety can look like from a teachers perspective is that a child may not be able to speak in lessons, they may be visibly nervous about doing work (shaking, sometimes crying).

Many teenagers who suffer from anxiety access some form of support at school even if it is just a sympathetic teacher who lets them sit in their office at lunchtime.

Sadly, some teenagers who are anxious self
harm. One of the signs teachers are trained to look out for is wearing long sleeves and never taking them off. If your DD does this, then this combined with the scratches her brother did, and her anxiety means they will have been worried that she was self harming by cutting herself.

It sounds like in the meeting you confirmed that she is not self harming as you said that it's just a sensory thing.

They will have heaved a sigh of relief and be very happy.

Yes. It doesn’t mean that those of us with a disability and are single parents are, automatically, a risk.

Sorry to hear about your experience. I presume that the school obtained the information about you and her father from your daughter initially ? I wonder how that conversation started. Was she asked why she wasn’t paying attention in class and then felt she had to thing of some reasons? Perhaps she enjoyed being the centre of attention.
please ignore if this is wide of the mark, but I have experienced this before.

It's not about poverty or physical caring though its sometimes emotional for children it's not the outward view but the inward. BTW I don't think you should be having to prove yourself to anybody you have been managing for the last 12 years.
This is the next phase of her life emotions and hormones are all over the place friendships shift and if she is not coping at school they really have her best interests in this, its hard not to be defensive though. When are you next meeting with the school?

I think 'on paper' the whole situation may look like it could be worrying. However that doesn't always translate into real life. But the family support worker doesn't know you or her very well by the sounds of it so is doing her job to see if it is worrying or not. To be honest, I think this is probably preferable to the approach in the 1980s where schools pretty much ignored kids situations and left them to get in with it .

I can see why you're upset though, no one wants to feel like their family life is under the microscope

Thanks Octavia64, that makes sense. Unfortunately I didn’t get the feeling the support worker was relieved, or even convinced that DD is not self harming.

Just as a slightly comic aside, I was aware of the potential self harm discussion. We have pet rats with sharp claws and as I was sat speaking with her I glanced at my own hand which had a big scratch right across it from one of the rats and had a complete panic that she’d see that and make even more assumptions 😖

Please try not to overthink this, fsw will have been looking at DD needs assuming she was a young carer and will have been able to implement support for you both if needed.

I have a meeting on Monday to speak with her tutor, I did say to the support worker I want to understand the issues in school before I consider additional “support”.