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Original poster

Ethically non-monogamous

37 replies

DrKovac · 23/03/2024 07:17

I gone and done something I’m not sure I know how I feel about it, or I know much information so MN to the rescue please?!

Several months back, swiping (mainly left) on Bumble and this gorgeous guy comes up local to me (which is rare). Read a bit more and he’s “happily married” and in a “ethically non monogamous” relationship and he was looking for someone either for him, or maybe 3 way.

At the time, due to him being ridiculously stunning (as was his wife, who was also pictured). Not going to lie, I was tempted but it wasn’t what I was looking for as I was on bumble to date / find a new relationship, and I’m also no gay (curious maybe).

fast forward, he’s come up again on my bumble feed. I’m in a totally different place. Happily single, lots of great things going on in my life and a relationship means change, compromise etc which isn’t something I want right now. But, I’m a woman with needs and a level of horniness my trusty vibrator can’t control 😬

So, I swiped right, actually thinking he won’t find me no where near as attractive as his wife or who ever else is on bumble. Within 30 min, we’ve matched - he’s swiped right on me, Shit! I’m incognito on there, so only people I swipe right on, can see me.

Now I’ve got questions! Lol
How does a non-monogamous relationship even work? Do they both have an agreement to go out and shag someone on a set night? Does that mean he could be shagging multiple people? Or is it a sex only set up with one person? I feel very naïve now and need to message him.

I don’t know what I’m letting myself in for but at the same time, I’m intrigued by him and the situation.

if anyone would be kind enough to share their experience, would be much appreciated.

(obviously name changed for this but you would have found me on the relationship/ divorce boards a couple of years ago as a broken mess - I’m clearly not in the place now 😉🤣)

OP posts:
JustWhatWeDontNeed · 23/03/2024 07:23

Sounds like a terrible idea, but only he can answer those questions so you'll have to ask him.

Original poster
DrKovac · 23/03/2024 07:24

Intrigued by why you think this is a terrible idea @JustWhatWeDontNeed ? Not goading but you’ve not given much info to go off as to why.

OP posts:
autumn1610 · 23/03/2024 07:29

Ask him what ENM means in their relationship. What did his profile say? Some I think are after a one time thing, some want a more consistent play partner with just another person, some have multiple on the go. She might want to meet you or maybe she wants nothing to do with you. I think there are so many ways people practice being ENM that you really need to find out how it works in their relationship. The biggest thing you need to take in consideration is he will very very unlikely leave his wife for you, so be cautious with attachment

DogandMog · 23/03/2024 07:37

Oxymoronic. Nothing “ethical” about breaking marriage vows/betraying the commitment of your partner, however you dress it up. Not arbitarily moralising here… just read many of the threads on Relationships to see how the natural consequences of polyamory/open marriage set ups pan out and the chips fall. Heartbreak, psychological desolation, broken homes/trauma for young kids, complications of unforseen (!) pregnancy, STDs etc. When I open those threads I actually facepalm, as I know how the narrative is going to unfold. The devil is cheap, but he charges extortionate Wonga levels of APR in terms of consequential payback.

MiltonNorthern · 23/03/2024 07:41

How does a non-monogamous relationship even work? Do they both have an agreement to go out and shag someone on a set night? Does that mean he could be shagging multiple people? Or is it a sex only set up with one person? I feel very naïve now and need to message him.

You'll have to ask him. It is different for every couple!

MiltonNorthern · 23/03/2024 07:43

Oxymoronic. Nothing “ethical” about breaking marriage vows/betraying the commitment of your partner, however you dress it up

what happens if you never vowed to be monogamous in the first place? How can you be breaking them? Of course you can be ethically non monogamous. Just because you don't like or understand it doesn't make it unethical. Your post is full of the things that can go wrong but you have no idea about the many many ENM relationships that exist without any of that stuff going on.

TwilightSkies · 23/03/2024 07:46

Nothing “ethical” about breaking marriage vows/betraying the commitment of your partner, however you dress it up.

What if both members of the couple are happy with the arrangement?

MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 23/03/2024 07:54

Good for you op.

There's not one set of rules each couple is different. A friend of mine often went on dating sites with her husband and picked up girls, her rules were that it always had to be them as a 3 and her husband wasn't allowed to kiss the girl. Another couple I knew dated other people, but never introduced them or spoke about them beyond "I'll be out in Friday night" or whatever. They had very strict rules about their holiday schedule and date nights so their time together wasn't interrupted at all.

I would just message and ask how it works within their marriage.

Be safe, and have fun.

AnOldCynic · 23/03/2024 07:58

Marriage is just a financial transaction, not the romantic once in a lifetime gesture it's dressed up to be. Read the divorce board.

Personally I believe it's possible to love more than one person and it's possible to have a relationship with more than one person.

He may be looking for another relationship, he may be looking for someone else just to shag with the blessing of his wife. But you won't know unless you meet him and go into it either your eyes open. You have nothing to lose by going out and meeting him, you'll have plenty to talk about anyway!

DogandMog · 23/03/2024 07:59

“What if both members of the couple are happy with the arrangement?”

Still a recipe for disaster. Often one partner is able to “compartmentalise” and keep separate sex from love, and the other partner… can’t. And they “catch feelings” in a big way for their other squeeze. Then it all implodes and becomes a messy quagmire of the depths of human emotions and psychology. Cataclysmic fallout if there’s kids in the picture. Trust and commitment (whether formally married or not) are so important to the human psyche, and narratives of betrayal are so central to all human cultures.

Original poster
DrKovac · 23/03/2024 08:07

Definitely two sides of the coin here that it isn’t possible to be ethically non monogamous.

It is clear from his profile he is happily married (his words are “extremely happily married”) and I suppose the only true answers I’ll get are from him.

My initial thoughts were safety (STI’s etc) so that’s on my mind, and also the whole catching feelings. I’m not in that headspace, I do just want no strings attached sex, perhaps with the same person (friend with benefits), but if he’s also sleeping with multiple people, it’s a concern for me.

I am going to message him and see what he’s actually looking for. Only way I’ll know.

OP posts:
Shiningout · 23/03/2024 08:13

A lot of women wouldn't be down for meeting up with a married guy, so the guys often swipe right on most women (not at all saying you're unattractive but it's just a fact), but what I'm saying is even if he's really attractive a lot of women still wouldn't be swiping right on him because he's married. It's up to you if you want to see him though, but it could get very messy. What if you develop feelings, or become jealous of the wife etc?? It wouldn't be for me

Happyinarcon · 23/03/2024 08:30

Ethically non monogamous is just a fancy marketing label for something that nobody really believes in or is comfortable with. Think of the term vegan leather, everyone knows it’s just vinyl but calling it vegan leather sounds less crap.

Original poster
DrKovac · 23/03/2024 08:32

Happyinarcon · 23/03/2024 08:30

Ethically non monogamous is just a fancy marketing label for something that nobody really believes in or is comfortable with. Think of the term vegan leather, everyone knows it’s just vinyl but calling it vegan leather sounds less crap.

This made me laugh 😂 vegan leather

OP posts:
Original poster
DrKovac · 23/03/2024 08:37

Shiningout · 23/03/2024 08:13

A lot of women wouldn't be down for meeting up with a married guy, so the guys often swipe right on most women (not at all saying you're unattractive but it's just a fact), but what I'm saying is even if he's really attractive a lot of women still wouldn't be swiping right on him because he's married. It's up to you if you want to see him though, but it could get very messy. What if you develop feelings, or become jealous of the wife etc?? It wouldn't be for me

Very good point and right for you to point out he probably hasn’t got many options. It flattered my ego tbh and I need to ask why it did.

Can’t see me developing feelings or getting jealous of his wife, but I don’t know. It’s definitely something to really think about.

This whole situation is not something I would normally even entertain (and still may not). I’m intrigued by it, and with the work I’ve done on myself in the last 2 years, has meant I’m far more relaxed, curious, sensual and spontaneous than I’ve been before.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 23/03/2024 08:40

Is this the new term for having a bit on the side? 😂🤣🤣

TreasurePieLand · 23/03/2024 08:43

ENM can and does work for many relationships. People can approach it in different ways. For some, it’s purely a sex thing, others have more than one romantic partner.

It’s one of those things that people who have no experience or know much about, can have a massive amount of judgement around.

He’s the only one who can answer your questions about his specific approach. But there are books you can read for yourself, The Ethical Slut and Polysecure are two well-known ones. Online, Polyphilia writes a lot of useful stuff. As does Clementine Morrigan. That’s just two people out of a plethora.

Good luck! I hope you find some fun.

MiltonNorthern · 23/03/2024 08:44

DogandMog · 23/03/2024 07:59

“What if both members of the couple are happy with the arrangement?”

Still a recipe for disaster. Often one partner is able to “compartmentalise” and keep separate sex from love, and the other partner… can’t. And they “catch feelings” in a big way for their other squeeze. Then it all implodes and becomes a messy quagmire of the depths of human emotions and psychology. Cataclysmic fallout if there’s kids in the picture. Trust and commitment (whether formally married or not) are so important to the human psyche, and narratives of betrayal are so central to all human cultures.

I mean, 5.5 years into a non monogamous relationship here and still very happy and nobody has 'caught feelings'

You have read some disastrous threads on mumsnet and extrapolated about all relationships of this type. If you did the same about other relationships you'd assume all women were being abused and cheated on.

Foxblue · 23/03/2024 08:52

Agree that all ENM arrangements look different (as do every relationship!) So best just to ask him.

And of course, the usual comments I'd expect to find on this thread from someone making broad assertions about non traditional relationships...

ViciousCurrentBun · 23/03/2024 08:52

Unless you actually speak to his wife then don’t believe a word he says or writes. I know some people have open relationships, not for me at all but it’s up to them however unless she actually says it you have zero confirmation what he is writing is true.

sheroku · 23/03/2024 08:54

I'm good friends with a couple who do this. I don't make any judgements on their relationship if that's what they've chosen. However, I do think the way the guy treats his "bits on the side" is pretty bad. He will go on OLD purely to find a random shag and then immediately drop them like a stone. Won't even remember their name. He justifies it by saying that he's honest and the women know what they're getting into but I question how many of the women would have slept with him if they knew he just saw them as a new pair of tits and arse.

DogandMog · 23/03/2024 08:56

Honestly OP, your posts on this thread read like someone on the money boards on here/MSE working so hard to get out of debt, finally succeeding and feeling that great glow of peace and contentment of being liberated from the shackles of debt. Only to go and blow it by taking out a high interest loan to go on an AI holiday to the Seychelles. You’ve done so well to do so much work on yourself to get out of your previously messy hole. But you’re contemplating playing snakes and ladders with your emotional & physical health and your therapy hard work… one wrong roll of the dice 🐍 Keep your peace and contentment guarded closely to your heart, rather than being tempted by the shiny shiny baubles on Bumble.

Original poster
DrKovac · 23/03/2024 09:09

@DogandMog thank you. The analogy is probably not wrong. If you saw a picture of him, he’s definitely shiny baubles 😬🤣 but seriously, I am taking on board your view point.

Being in a relationship for all of my twenties and thirties, and then being single has been a journey of ups and downs. I miss the sex, companionship, friendship etc but I don’t believe I want a relationship yet. This situation presents itself and I’m tempted by it.

thanks to everyone so far for their input.

OP posts:
JungsWordTest · 23/03/2024 09:20

DrKovac · 23/03/2024 08:07

Definitely two sides of the coin here that it isn’t possible to be ethically non monogamous.

It is clear from his profile he is happily married (his words are “extremely happily married”) and I suppose the only true answers I’ll get are from him.

My initial thoughts were safety (STI’s etc) so that’s on my mind, and also the whole catching feelings. I’m not in that headspace, I do just want no strings attached sex, perhaps with the same person (friend with benefits), but if he’s also sleeping with multiple people, it’s a concern for me.

I am going to message him and see what he’s actually looking for. Only way I’ll know.

"Extremely happily married"? Run a mile. The truth never needs to declare itself.

DogandMog · 23/03/2024 09:40

😁
Seriously, keep working on yourself. Go rock climbing, do a language course in Florence or buy a book & CDs, become a coffee nerd, learn the electric guitar, volunteer at the local animal shelter, join groups like hikers social meetups. Broaden your social horizons and do cool stuff.