Ethically non-monogamous

[DrKovac]

I gone and done something I’m not sure I know how I feel about it, or I know much information so MN to the rescue please?!

Several months back, swiping (mainly left) on Bumble and this gorgeous guy comes up local to me (which is rare). Read a bit more and he’s “happily married” and in a “ethically non monogamous” relationship and he was looking for someone either for him, or maybe 3 way.

At the time, due to him being ridiculously stunning (as was his wife, who was also pictured). Not going to lie, I was tempted but it wasn’t what I was looking for as I was on bumble to date / find a new relationship, and I’m also no gay (curious maybe).

fast forward, he’s come up again on my bumble feed. I’m in a totally different place. Happily single, lots of great things going on in my life and a relationship means change, compromise etc which isn’t something I want right now. But, I’m a woman with needs and a level of horniness my trusty vibrator can’t control 😬

So, I swiped right, actually thinking he won’t find me no where near as attractive as his wife or who ever else is on bumble. Within 30 min, we’ve matched - he’s swiped right on me, Shit! I’m incognito on there, so only people I swipe right on, can see me.

Now I’ve got questions! Lol
How does a non-monogamous relationship even work? Do they both have an agreement to go out and shag someone on a set night? Does that mean he could be shagging multiple people? Or is it a sex only set up with one person? I feel very naïve now and need to message him.

I don’t know what I’m letting myself in for but at the same time, I’m intrigued by him and the situation.

if anyone would be kind enough to share their experience, would be much appreciated.

(obviously name changed for this but you would have found me on the relationship/ divorce boards a couple of years ago as a broken mess - I’m clearly not in the place now 😉🤣)

Sounds like sharing - which I wouldn't fancy if I were in your shoes.

Rather than try to work out the mechanics of how his marriage operates, focus on what you want to get out of this and what your needs are, and then establish with him whether he’s able to offer that. Just as with any potential new partner. Be clear with yourself first about whether you’re just looking for sex, or whether you also want to go out for dinner, the theatre, weekend breaks etc - and clarify whether that’s also something he wants.

DH and I have been open our entire relationship. Most of our friends also have relationships which are open to some extent. There’s no drama - but what you do absolutely need is to be a good communicator with good emotional literacy. The reality is that you rarely get to hear about all the happy, emotionally healthy, stable people for whom it works perfectly well, because they don’t talk about it - in the same way as shit relationships generally are disproportionately represented on MN, because all the people in happy ones aren’t posting about their relationship problems or asking for advice on how to sort them.

I am imagining the reaction of the dad in the Royle Family were he to hear of the expression 'ethically non-monogamous'.

The man concerned wants sex from someone other than his wife.

We have an ENM relationship and have for years. Depends on the dynamic in the couple as we both know when we are going out for a night out with someone else but don't necessarily know exactly who.
There are apps and big communities that do this all together so if you do find it interesting then it can be easier and better communication there.

This is an excellent post.

Do what you feel happy with. Maybe make speaking to his wife (to confirm that she’s happy) a requirement before you progress.

Thank you. Really good advice. And I agree that you’re not going to hear about who this works for. I have no one in RL that this would be common knowledge to talk to (save a gay friend I know who is in a poly relationship) hence I came on here for some direction. Appreciate your input.

I’m doing a lot of cool stuff. It isn’t sex with a man though 😂

Brilliant!

I agree.

i think this rarely works. Chat sites for people involved in this are full of posts asking for advice in coping with jealousy. And look at all the ‘open relationship gone wrong’ posts on here. Or all the desperate rules to maintain control. See above with the daft, ( and rather dehumanizing to the other woman )no kissing the other girl’ rule. That’s a woman who’s jealous and seeking to maintain control. But you can’t really maintain control when your partner is shagging other people. If you can’t accept that, don’t open your relationship.

Is it Boris? Sounds about right for him.

I would want to be 100% certain his wife was also ENM and then I'd go for it. Why not? Have fun OP, he's hot, you're horny, go for it.

I would make sure you can keep this very compartmentalised before you go any further. Many, many years ago, I was the person seeing someone in one of these relationships. It wasn’t meant to be anything serious.

We fell in love. He ultimately wasn’t going to leave his partner of ten years for someone who was still essentially a gamble, so it was me who lost out. I understood, but was heartbroken. I found out years later that their relationship ended too as an indirect result, so he lost both of us.

Be really sure that you only want a fling and can handle that limit.