Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Emotionally decimated by family court

27 replies

CultOfRamen · 22/03/2024 12:10

Basically just having an anonymous whinge. So sick of burdening my family and friends with my sheer devestation and they just keep (with the best intentions) telling me to chin up and get on with it.

have been fighting my ex (separated 9 years) in family court for just over 12 months. Self representing because I earn too much money to qualify for legal but not enough to be able to actually afford a lawyer.

I have a winnable case, mostly because he is just making a mockery of everything, rude, doesn’t turn up, behaves like a child in court, non compliant etc

it’s set for trial soon but I am just exhausted and at the point of quitting my job because I basically just burst into tears ten times a day. Have seen a psychologist, tried anti-depressants etc etc but have been dealing with his bullshit for 12 years and even though I know I can win, I can’t seem to be able to function anymore.

kids are with me the whole time. I pay for everything. He runs rings around us all and then blames all his inadequacies on me. It’s gaslighting and coercive control at his finest but has never lifted a finger or threatened to so not classed as domestic violence by the police or courts.

how do people actually get through this. I’m so close to the finish line but feel like I’m even closer to losing my mind, my job and my home and then he will just piss on the bonfire that is my life and leave me to deal with the wreckage.

please give me a story of victory.

OP posts:
Babysharkdoodoodood · 22/03/2024 12:11

Coercive control is now a crime. Gather your evidence. Get everything in writing, texts and emails.

HelloMiss · 22/03/2024 12:21

What is he wanting?

And how come it's kicking off now, after 9 years?

endofthelinefinally · 22/03/2024 12:26

Have you spoken to women's aid OP?
How old are the DC? They must be old enough to have their wishes taken into account.
The relationships board is full of really good advice posted by wise women who have been through everything you are describing. If you move this thread there you will get loads of support. Flowers

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Family law Relationship problems
Original poster
CultOfRamen · 22/03/2024 12:26

Babysharkdoodoodood · 22/03/2024 12:11

Coercive control is now a crime. Gather your evidence. Get everything in writing, texts and emails.

It’s coercion using our child so it’s a ‘parenting issue’ not a ‘relationship issue’. E.g refusing to confirm if he’s picking kids up from school until twenty minutes before pick up time and saying he’s not in the city so can’t pick them up. Have called his bluff a couple of times and the school is calling me asking why no one here to pick up kids.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 22/03/2024 12:28

Are you keeping a diary?
Getting everything in writing/email/texts?
Are the school aware of what he is doing?

Original poster
CultOfRamen · 22/03/2024 12:29

HelloMiss · 22/03/2024 12:21

What is he wanting?

And how come it's kicking off now, after 9 years?

Got to a point where the kids don’t want to go and after trying to negotiate with him to support them they are too old to force, he unenrolled them from school to punish me so I had to apply to the court to prevent him from doing this again and he is just using the system to run rings around me. Wants fifty fifty, doesn engage in court, requests adjournements, turns up at the last minute it’s a run around

OP posts:
Original poster
CultOfRamen · 22/03/2024 12:30

I know it will all come out in the wash I’m just terrified il have a nervous breakdown before then.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 22/03/2024 12:31

You need to talk to the school so they are fully in the picture with this. Unenrolling them from school is appalling behaviour.

Original poster
CultOfRamen · 22/03/2024 12:33

endofthelinefinally · 22/03/2024 12:31

You need to talk to the school so they are fully in the picture with this. Unenrolling them from school is appalling behaviour.

Yeah the school know, they are pretty good but are bound by their legislation too. No final orders so he has equal parental responsibility. Like he called them to refuse consent for eldest to go on residential but helped her pack her bags and dropped her off, then told her I must not have paid and that’s why she couldn’t go.

OP posts:
Mumofoneandone · 22/03/2024 12:34

Contact your GP and possibly look at having some time off work to give you space to get this sorted.
Keep work and school in the loop as to what is happening.
Gather evidence to present to the court - his behaviour is appalling (abusive?) and all an attempt to make your life difficult as possible.
Good luck

Octavia64 · 22/03/2024 12:34

I found a therapist helpful.

It was two years for me.

On the plus side if you are going through court and he is being an obvious fuckwit he will lose.

ZippyGoose · 22/03/2024 12:37

CultOfRamen · 22/03/2024 12:30

I know it will all come out in the wash I’m just terrified il have a nervous breakdown before then.

OK practical advice here.

Well, before the practical bit - a handhold. He is an arse and you don't deserve it. Your kids are lucky to have you.

Now the practical bit.

You will get through this. You know you will because your kids need you to, and that's what we mothers do. We walk through fire for our kids. You will do this.

You sound genuinely concerned about having a breakdown, and it seems like a rational concern. You can't let him break you when you've come so far. Have you considered hypnosis? I KNOW it sounds insane but actually it can be super effective at rewiring our physical responses to trauma. I used it to get over a fear of public speaking and then another time to get over a severe trauma after I'd been attacked.

I'm sure you know you also need therapy, though that takes much longer. Therapy is great long term, but to get you through the next 6 months, a boost in the form of hypnosis could be a good help.

AnnaMagnani · 22/03/2024 12:38

Definitely get this moved to Relationships. There are some very wise women there who have successfully self represented and are happy to advise and support others.

Littlebitpsycho · 22/03/2024 12:38

CultOfRamen · 22/03/2024 12:33

Yeah the school know, they are pretty good but are bound by their legislation too. No final orders so he has equal parental responsibility. Like he called them to refuse consent for eldest to go on residential but helped her pack her bags and dropped her off, then told her I must not have paid and that’s why she couldn’t go.

Show quote history

Oh my god 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ what an arsehole to do that to his own daughter. I'm so sorry you're going through this, how you haven't hired a hitman I don't know 🤣

endofthelinefinally · 22/03/2024 12:40

I am so sorry. That is really disgusting. Did the school document that? They must have had evidence that you did pay? Hopefully they can provide you with written evidence.
If you post on legal you will get good advice about which documents to send to court before the hearing.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/03/2024 12:40

I went through this for around 5 years. He ramped it up when I was having cancer treatment and had to have court hearings at home while I was having chemotherapy. It's nothing short of abuse. I also self repped so I know how hard it is.

It is a blessing you're going to trial because that will be the place where his fuckery will unravel. I know how hard it is but keep going. Don't worry about burdening people, they will want to help. I did a lot of exercise today too. It helped me to keep calm and stopped my brain from whirring. Could you get signed off with stress to give you a breather? Flowers

endofthelinefinally · 22/03/2024 12:41

From a thread on legal I was reading recently, it seems that you have to send everything to the court well in advance of the hearing, so do check.

daffodilandtulip · 22/03/2024 12:41

I could have written your post years ago. At one point he was winning 100%, with me having to reapply for any contact of my own. He "won" 50:50 but in reality sees one child for 6 hours a fortnight (exh choice) and doesn't see the other (child wanted this all along but he stopped arguing the day the case was over).

Apart from knowing that their dad is abusive, they've grown up into lovely adults/teens and the trauma of the looong court case seems behind them.

It's horrific. Some days I want to scream it from the rooftops and become all political to make changes. Some days I can't even open a thread like this and talk about it. But it does end and you do come out of the other side.

Original poster
CultOfRamen · 22/03/2024 12:42

endofthelinefinally · 22/03/2024 12:40

I am so sorry. That is really disgusting. Did the school document that? They must have had evidence that you did pay? Hopefully they can provide you with written evidence.
If you post on legal you will get good advice about which documents to send to court before the hearing.

I know my evidence is solid and the last time we were in court he called me a selfish bitch in front of the registrar. I know he’s hanging himself with his own behaviour I just can’t seem to keep my emotions together anymore. After years of steel I’ve turned to jelly

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 22/03/2024 12:43

@TheFormidableMrsC

I remember your threads from the time. You are exactly the right person to advise the OP. I am glad to see you on this thread.

booktokbear · 22/03/2024 12:45

No actual advice but sending a handhold op Flowers

Trying to keep it together at the best of times can be hard, allow yourself some leniency because this would take its toll on anyone.

What an utter dickhead your ex is. You WILL get there.

Original poster
CultOfRamen · 22/03/2024 12:47

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/03/2024 12:40

I went through this for around 5 years. He ramped it up when I was having cancer treatment and had to have court hearings at home while I was having chemotherapy. It's nothing short of abuse. I also self repped so I know how hard it is.

It is a blessing you're going to trial because that will be the place where his fuckery will unravel. I know how hard it is but keep going. Don't worry about burdening people, they will want to help. I did a lot of exercise today too. It helped me to keep calm and stopped my brain from whirring. Could you get signed off with stress to give you a breather? Flowers

I’ve had time off work, I just seem to sit at home feeling sorry for myself and not sure it’s any better than being at work.
works been great but I know I’m not even doing half of my job at the moment and I’m guilty and worried it’s wearing thin. I wish there was some magic pill to make the tears go away, just can’t seem to hold them at bay right now

OP posts:
Original poster
CultOfRamen · 22/03/2024 12:52

It seems like he can just do whatever the fuck he wants and the court does nothing.

Carrie’s on like a toddler in the court room demanding everyone change things to his preference and storming out of the room and there is literally no consequence, we’re stuck with interim orders where I have to hold the door open for him to spend time with kids and more than half the time he lets them down and doesn’t show and every time we go to court accuses me of stopping him from seeing them. No one is bothered about the evidence until trial, how is this system right?

OP posts:
IamNewToThisGame · 22/03/2024 14:21

You will get through it. It took me two years, and my friend kept telling me it would soon be over but I didn't think it ever would be. It is now. Stay strong x

Anameisaname · 22/03/2024 14:25

Hand hold OP. It sounds truly horrendous. I have no wise words but I am sure others will.
I second the advice about seeing your GP and potentially getting some time off to recoup and regather. Take care

Swipe left for the next trending thread