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Original poster

Such a sad sad situation, but what is the answer?

33 replies

LindaPen · 22/03/2024 11:06

A friend's DH was diagnosed with early onset dementia at 55, 6 years ago.

Soon afterwards, he started attaching her and was sectioned. So he's been living in care ever since and she's effectively living as a widow, but she's not.

She's a star and carries on well, has a busy life, but says she really misses someone to do nothing with. What is the answer for someone in this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
LindaPen · 22/03/2024 11:07

...attacking her...

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 22/03/2024 11:09

That's very sad. I'm glad he's being cared for elsewhere, though. Does she feel free to look for someone else or does she still feel married to him?

parietal · 22/03/2024 11:10

partly she is mourning her husband who is lost even though he is still living.

so the only answer to that is support from friends and family

if she wants to start thinking about what her life will be like when she is a widow, and to make new friends, then that might also be sensible.

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Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 22/03/2024 11:11

It’s either going to be find friends who are happy to spend time with her (male or female, platonic or something more) or she finds a lodger to share her home with. Which of the three routes she goes down is up to her.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 22/03/2024 11:11

Are you asking if it's OK for her to start to date? I think so. I doubt anyone would judge her. If they have DC she might need to tread carefully though

Original poster
LindaPen · 22/03/2024 11:11

MILTOBE · 22/03/2024 11:09

That's very sad. I'm glad he's being cared for elsewhere, though. Does she feel free to look for someone else or does she still feel married to him?

No, she's still married as far as she's concerned

OP posts:
MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana · 22/03/2024 11:12

It's, sadly, not an uncommon situation.

There are bound to be online forums dedicated to this type of situation, maybe on one of the charity sites, it could do her a lot of good to meet others in the same boat.

yourlobster · 22/03/2024 11:12

If she felt able to date then I think she should. I know that probably sounds cold but in almost every sense, they are no longer a couple.

She may not feel able to though and that's ok. And it will attract a lot of judgment I expect. If they have children, they would likely struggle with this.

frozendaisy · 22/03/2024 11:13

Invite her to stay over one weekend day so you can do nothing with her for an evening and following day.

DreadPirateRobots · 22/03/2024 11:15

Honestly, I think the answer is for her to accept that her status as "married" might endure legally, but her husband has effectively left this life and she is at liberty to form new relationships as she wants and needs.

This is not that uncommon a situation and typically the person does discreetly date and often finds a new partner, with all concerned who have capacity accepting that the marriage is functionally over, because while the spouse might be technically alive, the person they married is gone and never returning. The "surviving" spouse can still be a loving advocate and presence.

CheltenhamLady · 22/03/2024 13:14

This is a very sad situation, but if I was in her position I would consider myself still married.
My brother is in this situation and also in care, for the same reasons. I cannot imagine my SIL behaving differently either.

Screentrilogy · 22/03/2024 13:16

How awful for her. This isn’t what any of us imagine when we vow to love each other in sickness and in health. He could be alive another 40 years with no hope of regaining mental capacity. She can’t divorce him but she can’t continue to have a fulfilling romantic relationship with him.

She can’t be the only one in this situation so might it be worth you looking up charities and online groups where she migtt by be able to chat to others in a similar situation?

Viviennemary · 22/03/2024 13:17

If you are asking if it would be acceptable for her to start a new relationship. Then my answer would be yes. As long as the new person was aware of her situation. But of course that is up to her and some people will disapprove.

Octavia64 · 22/03/2024 13:19

Sounds like she might need friends.

A friend of my mum's is in this situation,

She got heavily involved in the local church and joined the WI. Found friends who she could have coffee and a natter with.

GingerIsBest · 22/03/2024 13:20

We have a friend whose parents were in this situation except it was his mother who had to go into a home very early. She lived for a further 25 years.

His father, eventually, did find a new partner even while his wife was still alive. His children were supportive and understanding and liked her very much. Their dad was vey very clear that he was still married to their mother, he would always prioritise her care and her needs, but that this new woman was also important to him.

I think your friend has to decide what it is she needs. It might be that she just needs more companionship - male or female - and she can take part in activities or try to find them. But if she feels like she would be betraying her husband by having any kind of a relationship with a man, that's totally understandable.

Original poster
LindaPen · 22/03/2024 13:30

Octavia64 · 22/03/2024 13:19

Sounds like she might need friends.

A friend of my mum's is in this situation,

She got heavily involved in the local church and joined the WI. Found friends who she could have coffee and a natter with.

She's got friends, she's out doing things/having coffee loads. She says she misses someone to just be with, like when you're clearing up dinner or watching rubbish TV

OP posts:
Datdamndamp · 22/03/2024 13:34

As others have said, realistically it's a new partner or lodger, or how about a cat or dog. They can be good company.

Beautiful3 · 22/03/2024 14:58

I think she could date as they're no longer together in a physical or mental state.

yourlobster · 22/03/2024 15:59

I think a lodger would be a good shout if she doesn't want to consider dating.

Someone of a similar age and interests who wants company and not just a room. She can be far more picky if she doesn't need the money.

BingoMarieHeeler · 22/03/2024 16:03

We have family in this situation, have been for over a decade and could be for another decade or more sadly. Do you mean what to do to combat the loneliness? Really hard to say tbh, I often think a new partner would be only a good thing as dementia patient would be none the wiser. I’m glad to see others suggesting the same really as I’ve never voiced that before as thought immoral/goes against wedding vows. But in the same situation I would certainly want to find a new partner or for DH to be happy.

NuffSaidSam · 22/03/2024 16:04

LindaPen · 22/03/2024 13:30

She's got friends, she's out doing things/having coffee loads. She says she misses someone to just be with, like when you're clearing up dinner or watching rubbish TV

Show quote history

Is she actually looking for a solution? Or is she just telling you how she feels?

Perhaps the answer is nothing more than offering a sympathetic, listening ear, maybe telling her that no one will judge her if/when she decides to date again. She'll move on when she's ready, there doesn't have to a practical solution to every problem.

helpfulperson · 22/03/2024 16:18

I know a couple of people in the situation who have 'close friends'. The exact nature of these relationships isn't totally clear but it seems to work for those involved.

GoingOutShoes · 22/03/2024 16:21

My husband has severe dementia and is in a secure home. I visit every day for a few hours and am most definitely still married to him. I don't think I could possibly feel otherwise!

Lifebeganat50 · 22/03/2024 16:22

Happened to my parents-it’s hell

x2boys · 22/03/2024 16:25

What does she want to.do?
It's a very sad situation, I wouldn't judge someone who started to date in her position
But other people may do including ( possibly) her family.