Such a sad sad situation, but what is the answer?

[LindaPen]

A friend's DH was diagnosed with early onset dementia at 55, 6 years ago.

Soon afterwards, he started attaching her and was sectioned. So he's been living in care ever since and she's effectively living as a widow, but she's not.

She's a star and carries on well, has a busy life, but says she really misses someone to do nothing with. What is the answer for someone in this situation?

I am surprised how many posters have leapt to thinking this lady wants to date!

Genuinely.
I do know of two people this has happened too. Awful situations, but neither of them were thinking "Ooh, he's out the way now I'll start dating"
To me that is such a weird mindset.

OP as a previous poster stated, there are carers groups that it might be a better place to talk about these things.
But yes, if she is feeling alone in the house, then a lodger might be the way forward.

This is a really common experience. Good friends are essential, but not the kind of friends who only want even numbers at their dinner parties! Accept her as she is, no "fixing up".

I think that if she wanted a relationship be it company companionship or more it would be totally reasonable and understandable. She needs to live her life and her poor husband is never going to get better or be able to give her anything. So long as she’s still his biggest advocate and making sure he’s looked after properly then I would never judge her. He could live like this for another 25 years and that’s just not fair for her to live in that limbo when the situation will never improve.

A lady at work was in a similar situation but different reason. She met a lot of people in similar situations through a support group which I think was run by some charity associated with the hospital.

And yes, she did marry one of those she met about 10 years after they both lost their partners. It started as genuine friendship & an understanding of their positions which is very difficult if you haven't been there.

As far as I know, nothing happened when their spouses were alive & tbf even if it did, certainly not my business and wouldn't judge anyone for it.

Could you invite her over for a night of cooling some easy meal, eating it, clearing up afterwards, and then watching TV? Or invite yourself over to her place?

I think that if a healthy young couple had a conversation about this topic, they’d probably agree that if it happened to them in middle-age, the party who didn’t have dementia should find a new partner if they wished, after a while. And carry on socialising with friends, working, holidaying etc.

It may be hard for the new partner not to feel like a side piece, and other family members and close friends may complain about the situation. Those things would need to be navigated carefully.

We get only one life and in your friend’s case, her poor husband’s is effectively over, sadly. Hers needn’t be.

Possibilities:

Cat or dog. I talk to my cats a lot (but I am mad)

Lodger but chosen carefully

I suppose in the olden days one would advertise for a companion.

I have a family member who was in a similar situation. She most certainly considered herself married. She meet a gentleman at a support group who she became good friends with. They went to things together a lot. Things like theatre, restaurant, they went on holidays together but mainly just chilled at either ones house having dinner and watching movies/tv etc. Worked well for them. It was totally platonic. Sadly they have both passed on now but the extended families are still good friends with each other.