To feel really sad for my DD

[butterflywingss]

Parents evening once again and I am feeling really sad..

Every year seems to be the same with DD struggling in her work and the teacher telling me she's behind her classmates in development.

Growing up I never got the support and help I needed for my studies, my parents expected good from me but never actually took the time to help develop me either. As a parent now I said I would never let my child be in that position because I didn't want her to feel insecure and struggle how I did and compare herself to her friends like I did.

I have paid for her to get extra support once a week, I make sure to sit and keep on top of her homework. I have made sure to give my child everything necessary to help her feel confident but she's still struggling.

I can't help but get knots in my stomach at her teaching saying she writes and I can't understand what she is saying. She's easily distracted and I believe lacks the confidence in herself even though I tell her everyday what a wonderful and smart girl she is.

When I hear other parents saying oh how good their child is and how well they are with their studies, I feel like shit.

Can someone please advise what I can do and has anyone's child been in this position only to thrive in the end ???

Sorry to hear this. How old is your little one? Ti be honest, I feel the teacher should be providing you with some solutions re the support they will offer. Not just presenting you with problems. Would it be worth making an appointment to meet with her teacher and make a plan. You’re obviously providing a lot of support at home which really helps get the best outcomes

I don't know how old your DD is but what I found helped my DS was to buy some little revision cards and sit and go through a topic in science then to pick out the 5 key words or ideas in the topic. Most people can remember 5 things if you add too many more they start to forget. I got him to look at about 10 words/ideas and pick out what he thought were the most important 5. Then I gave him a big piece of paper and he had to put the topic title in the middle then draw the ideas or occasionally just key words around the outside. I only ever spent 30 minutes 3 X evenings a week. I couldn't help him with Maths because I'm not good at it myself but DH went through Maths topics with him. He has a different teaching style to me and kept going through past papers with him. I did find his Science grades went up. Also for English I got him to think about smells, sounds, visuals, taste and texture/touch. I got him to learn 5 for each so if he had to do some creative writing he had to try to include one from each category. Once he got the hang of that I moved on to inside and outside ones. After a month I got him to recap all he had learned and write key words/ideas on to the little revision cards. I spent 30 mins 4 times a week, 3 for Science and 1 English and DH did 30 mins Maths once a week. He passed all his GCSE's coming out with A's and B's in the end. At one point I was convinced he would fail English.

Could you afford to have them assessed for any possible learning difficulties?

My friends daughter has never done well at school. She's a lovely girl but just not academic and has failed her math gcse three times now (she has English, her only other gcse). But she's doing well at college and is interested in working in social care. She has taken three years to do a course normally that takes two, but so what - she's getting there.
Her parents did what they could, getting her extra help and she attended a different school one day a week. But there is a limit. She knows they love her just as much as her RG university going siblings. But one can't deny that it's been hard to see her own understanding that she just can't do some of academic work that the majority manage, no matter how hard she tries.

Is the teacher saying she can’t understand her speech or is her handwriting bad? Could she have an additional need like dyslexia?

I had teachers constantly tell me in my daughters last 2 years of school (I believe she has a learning disability or ADHD that wasn't picked up despite me asking constantly) that she was struggling and should drop out of school.
I tried to help and get her help but where we live was just so impossible. But she loved her subjects. She thrived in what she was good at. Got 1st in the year in Drama and got accepted into every performing arts school she applied for. We had so much pressure from the school. Oh and during the years we celebrate every win, a pass in class was always celebrated, some classes she loved and studied so hard but when it came to the writing bit a bit flunk, but we celebrate doing your best. Oh and I sucked at school dyslexic and probably ADHA, DH did year 10 3 times and have very sucessful business. for some people they thrive after school.

Is she happy? If you can keep her engaged at school to get the exams that’s as much as is needed. Re confidence- what about friends and other social activities like sport or music etc - she may benefit from trying different activities

Did you ask her teacher for suggestions / did they offer any suggestions?

The teacher needs to offer suggestions for improvements not just list issues.

Is the way the subject is being taught suiting her? Can you look for group tutor classes even for a short while to see which areas need the greatest attention?

What age is she? If she is young,, eg has she grasped phonics or did the class moved on before she grasped the fundamentals? Can you go over this with her again?

If she’s older does she know what she’d like to do in the future? Can she concentrate on the subjects she needs most?

Have you looked at online classes?

Woukd a smaller school or a different learning environment help?

My younger DC struggles with schoolwork. Despite this, the teachers tell me how great DC is getting on. I find it frustrating because the bar is set so low so I think you are in a better position as being aware means you can (and obviously do) help.

Some great advice on here !!

My DD is 7 years old and I have suspected that she may have some learning difficulties or even have ADHD but it's so hard to diagnose. I actually had her tested for potential Autism when she was young and it took YEARS but then I thought she improved and didn't show what I thought were signs of Autism anymore. I definitely struggled with studies and was dyslexic so not sure if she may have the same. She gets really stressed at home to finish her homework, because she's worried about getting in trouble. She's apparently quite chatty and very sociable according to her teacher.

I also did ask for suggestions and she said to cut time in between going through work with her to help her not feel so bored but didn't think it was that helpful tbh.

Her writing is quite neat but it's her spelling and putting words in the wrong place. I make out what she's saying but it's wrong. She writes her words how she sounds them out.

I am going to see if I can create some topics like someone suggested above and take more time to help her. However, I also have a full time demanding job plus other childcare and house care and honestly I am feeling shattered all around and feel so guilty because I could definitely do more but there is only so much I can offer. My DH is also very busy and tries to help with homework.

Ask to speak to the Senco at school about your concerns. Your little girl should be getting more support at school.

Ask for your daughter to be assessed for dyslexia. There is a family connection, so if you have it, there is a strong chance she will as well. There is a lot of help these days and extra time in exams. With support and time she should catch up. You sound a wonderful mum and keep positive x

Her writing is quite neat but it's her spelling and putting words in the wrong place. I make out what she's saying but it's wrong. She writes her words how she sounds them out.

This was my DC too.

I put it down to lack of reading and made an effort to read every night. But DC objected and years on, it is still a battle.

The lack of reading results in lack
of fluidity in writing, limited vocabulary and obviously spelling issues.

If you can, start phonics from
scratch again. If these were taught badly or too quickly, can you DD go to the classroom currently being taught them or is there a resource in the school that can help her?

My DC never grasped phonics, never enjoyed reading and this impacted other subjects.

It is worth pushing for additional help.

My kid has done really well with online schooling. She watches a handful of lessons per week on zoom and it seems to have cut out a lot of distractions and made things much simpler for her

I think reading to her will help. Let her choose her own books from the library and make it relaxed and enjoyable. You choose some age appropriate favourites too, and ask her teacher what they recommend. She’s only 7, school shouldn’t be stressy and you don’t want her picking up that you’re worried.

@Happyinarcon can you please link some of the online classes?

OP, I think you are doing a wonderful job, your DD is still young, keep engaging with the school.
How is she with Math?

A friend of mine has a son who had problems completing homework due to ADHA - she cut homework sessions to 30mins max each day in primary, so they didn't both get stressed about it as it was wrecking their afternoons. Not all his teachers were impressed, but they couldn't give his mum detention. I wish I'd done the .ààsame with my neurotypical DS, who was slow completing homework.

I agree with PPs that the teacher/ school needs to be much more supportive, rather than just telling you there's a problem. Dyslexia support can make a huge difference , and school should be helping you to investigate.

Finally, she's only 7, she has loads of time to catch up, I think social skills are most important thing kids at this age get from school, there's plenty of time for her to catch up on literacy with the right supports.

I would email the school senco and outline yours/the teachers concerns. Ask them to observe her for potential nd and ask what can be put in place for her to help her academically.

There is a test they can do for dyslexia. You could ask for that.

Lots of good suggestions and I agree the school needs to support your DD.

It may be worth trying Reading Eggs. Start on an easy level and just get DD to do a small amount every day. You can get a free trial for a month. It is a different way of learning with lots of graphics, so won‘t feel like extra work. https://readingeggs.co.uk/parents/signup/

Her writing is quite neat but it's her spelling and putting words in the wrong place. I make out what she's saying but it's wrong. She writes her words how she sounds them out.
This could well be dislexia.

I'd recommend looking into developmental language disorder (DLD). It is more common than Autism but much less known about and can impact a child's education greatly. Many, many children go through education without it being picked up. A speech and language therapist can assess and diagnose for this and it can be done privately if she isn't seen as having enough 'red flags' to be referred to the NHS.

Sounds like she's dyslexic.

Hi OP

I agree with all the other practical suggestions others have mentioned and perhaps chatting to the SENCO.

One of my DC has ADHD ( and now being assessed for dyslexia and dysgraphia). He struggled at school and has an EHCp. I’ve no idea what he will manage to achieve academically but he is happy at school for the first time. (he is 12).

Whilst it is great to support your DD as much as you can I think also to come to an acceptance that she may never particularly achieve academically but that does not mean she won’t thrive in the end! I know this can be really difficult when in the school system which seems like there is only on route but ( as you seem to know) there really isn’t. There are lots of different paths children can take now - even doing functional exams rather than GCSEs if necessary then more practical BTEC etc. Also as others have noted some children take more time to get to the next stage, need resits etc - just have a more winding path through academics. I know it’s hard not to panic about a DC future and it can feel so difficult when every other parent seems to get a glowing parents evening but do try not to let it get to you.

You sound like a lovely mum who loves her daughter, try not to let school dominate and, if possible, let her gain confidence in other areas as well. I would also say don’t let school encroach too much into home - she may need a break from learning at home, particularly if she struggles. Basically keep school on its place! I wish I’d been more like this with my DS whose confidence was completely destroyed in primary.

I would suggest audio books as a great way to develop her love of stories and to develop her vocabulary. And reading to her but there isn't always time for that which is where audio books come in. One of my children is dyslexic and this really helped her.
I agree with PP and would be asking for a meeting with the school SENDCO to see if the school are going to assess her & what support they might be able to give/ideas for ways you can support.
Schools are very busy & under funded though so don't expect much but understanding her exact issues would be a start.

Ps she is still quite young and some children do just take longer to get there. That was the case for us. I worried about my daughter at around that age but things started clicking later on for her.