Is this what burnout feels like?

[hangingonbymy]

I work long hours in a stressful job. I have a senior management role and the decisions I make on a daily basis very much affect lives in a meaningful sense. It is within the public sector and since Covid is very challenging. We are also entering a very big period of change.
I have four children, older but there have been some significant challenges in recent years. We have aging parents too.
In the past few weeks I have felt increasingly disconnected from the work: I am still performing at work but it feels like a mask I put on as I leave the house. At home I feel like I just want silence. This weekend I have wanted to scream at anyone who has asked me anything no matter how minor. Making plans - even what to have for dinner just feel beyond me.
Last week I ended up in urgent care with acute stomach pain. Appendicitis was ruled out and I now sure it is stress.
I am not really sure why I am posting other than to reassure myself that I am not crazy and maybe look for advice.

Yep.

Not sure I have any specific advice other than offload everything you can.

And quite a lot of things you think you can't

Yep I would say so. My role is helping professionals overcome burnout.

It sounds like you have great awareness- not everyone does, believe me. Burnout+ while lamented as a work based issue, it really isn't. Work is often one of very many straws.

If you were my client we would be looking at age, hormones, childhood amongst a number of other things. My advice to you would be to start looking at these things and take it from there.

Age - very much in the menopause and on HRT
Childhood - well...

Ok. So burnout happens to people who didn't learn strategies in childhood that would help with resilience and stress amongst other things. Our hormonal system responds, and tries to help us, but this ultimately means our hormonal balance becomes whacked.

This is why some women doing all the things don't become emotionally and physically unwell and why some women doing the same things become very emotionally and physically unwell.

As pp suggested taking things off your plate will help but this is only surface level. The issue lay much deeper. If deeper work isn't done eg) coaching/ therapy/ hormone balancing etc then you will become burnout again and are at risk of developing some very serious issues.

You have an extremely busy life and I wonder how much you prioritise your own self care. Do you have regular 'me' breaks eg massage, hairdresser, swimming, walking? How much help do you have at home - cleaner, laundry, cooking etc? How much time do you have to kick off your shoes and have a relaxing evening with people who make you laugh?

I've been where you are and I know that putting yourself first is very difficult but the impact of extra domestic help and regular 'me' time is profound. It doesn't solve everything of course but it can prevent you from dropping into a dark place, from which it seems impossible to escape.

You're not crazy. Your body and your mind are literally screaming at you to stop. It is too much. I would also echo the advice to listen now and take steps to change at this point.

Burnout can happen to anyone.
I suffered from burnout and managed to get better without getting signed
off as I managed and also had the opportunity to put proper firm boundaries in place. Exercise helped me enormously.

I think I may be burnt out too - NHS senior caring post, personal illness, perimenopause & huge upheaval/toxic work environment. I feel every part of the failings of the NHS & completely helpless to do anything - doing my best isn’t enough anymore.
Leaving isn’t an option as have worked myself into a niche position & have a DC about to start uni.
Any advice gratefully received!

yep

burnout is real and very prevalent amongst middle age females. I hope you can get some help OP 💐

Its really tough as the first things that tend to go when you feel under stress are all the things that actually sustain you seeing friends, getting some exercise.

I remember getting to the point where I couldn't even look at my email or answer the phone. I just wanted to hide under my duvet and hoped that everyone would forget I existed so that they'd stop asking me for things. I think I still have a touch of ptsd from that time to be honest.

Thank you everyone

• the childhood thing is interesting. Failure was not tolerated in my family and what people thought was of paramount importance. I know I feel the impact of this even now. I have very strict limits around how much we see my parents but this is getting harder as they get older and genuinely need more help.
• I terms of help and treats. I book twice weekly massages and these are helpful. I had started to do daily yoga but this has slipped - I need to get back to it without it feeling like another demand
• we have a cleaner and I know I am very lucky.

Sending strength - I understand that completely

Thank you

No advice - just solidarity

Exercise has never been my thing but I was enjoying yoga

Yep. I reached this point a year or so back. Was exhausted to my bones - no amount of sleep was enough. Lost all motivation and interest in things. Wanted to be left alone. Was clearly depressed but with no obvious reason why other than I was just burnt out with the pace of life.

Took a few days sick leave to rest, got anti-depressants, made lifestyle changes to cut back on external commitments. Worked hard on sleep hygiene and getting gentle amounts of daily green exercise. It took about 6 weeks to really the benefit but I'm in a MUCH better place now.

We neglect ourselves too often. It's important to practice self-care and focus on our own needs sometimes, OP.

I have a friend with a phenomenally stressful home and work life. Just hearing what she goes through when we meet for coffee makes my stomach ulcer flare It's the most stressful job I can imagine and both her children and her Dh are ND and extremely dramatic and demanding. But she is like a swan about it. When I say she should reduce her stress levels she always explains that she does loads of self care - and she does. She has regular coffees and walks with friends, goes off on her own at weekends leaving DH and DC (teens/young adults) to fend for themselves while she has a weekend in Paris or by the sea.

Do you do all or any of this? Do you carve out time for yourself? It sounds like you need to, and believe me, if she can, anyone can. Her job is extreme crisis management 24/7.

At the very least you’re going in that direction.

It might be worth having someone to talk to - a good coach or therapist - if you think you need some help to take control of things, and offload at home and work, while you work on building yourself back up.

Not that you should take all the work back once you’re better, but you need a break. A month being signed off with stress to just rest wouldn’t be a bad idea either - if it’s at all possible

Do get some professional help. Don’t be temped to ignore it or it will get worse and you’ll fall over - it can take ages to get back up again.

It absolutely sounds like burnout. For all of you, can I recommend the book Burnt Out by Selina Barker? (I promise I'm not her agent 😉)

It massively helped me when I was in that space. I spent ages recognising so much of what she wrote - and it had reassuring and practical steps to take to help you recover.

My thinking would just be 'is it essential that I do this job now? Or can I quit, and begin to live a more peaceful life?'

Maybe this is your body telling you enough is enough. Can you find a new path? Take a hit in your income, but do something pleasant and rewarding, but not stressful?

A hit on the income is not an option at the moment unfortunately.
Thanks to everyone who has replied - lots to think about

What are you going to do @hangingonbymy? I might order the book recommended above, and stop wishing I was sick so I don’t have to go into work tomorrow.
Prioritising me sounds a bit self indulgent tbh, but equally, trying to convince myself that I can just carry on for another 4 years feels awfully bleak.

Can you ease back & take a bit of pressure off anywhere? Even an extra 1/2 hour peace in a day can help.
I've been there and am not far off at the mo but I'm trying to get DC to rely on me less (teens). If I had parents in top I'd crack

Can you go to your GP and get signed off for 2 weeks? It sounds drastic but it's so much easier to get your nervous system back to equilibrium when you first start having symptoms (rather than months or years later).

This is really interesting to read. I'm currently signed off as a result of extreme stress over a prolonged period. I got to the stage where every single email was making me want to either cry or explode. I was angry with my kids all the time and just so exhausted. I've been off 4 weeks and the anxiety symptoms I'm still experiencing are almost unbearable. Racing heart, nausea, shaking hands. My GP said that my body had been pumping out adrenaline and cortisol for so long (work has been incredibly stressful for 4 years with no let up) that it's going to take time to reset. My childhood...well I was the kid that was always ok, no fuss, doesn't show her feelings, just gets on with things. And that's exactly what I've done at work. I've been under resourced, had a member of staff become an alcoholic and then attempt suicide and then had to take her through capability. Another member of staff raised a grievance against me which was actually a way to get back at our department head and I got most of the fall out. I'm a mid level manager so get the shit falling down onto me and then the shit that splashes back up. I've just had to keep going because my brain has been telling me failure is not an option.

I'm public sector too and alternate between crying and thinking my whole career is fucked or feeling like I need to just go for another role and lower pay. Financially that would be hard right now as my husband was made redundant in November and not working again yet (oh look another stressor!)