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Original poster

Teenager on exchange trip struggling

50 replies

changedmyname24 · 17/03/2024 14:26

Ds1 is 15 (Year 10) & attends an international school, so the school does lots of exchange trips. He is away on one now, to France for 10 days. He left on Tuesday, back on Thursday.

He messaged a while ago saying he is really struggling & wants to come home 😔 He is too scared to talk much & not sleeping. He is worried that the family are upset with him.

I am in a little contact with the mum & explained how he feels. She has said they have now talked & she understands & that he is not as they would expect but trying his best & that is all they can ask. DS has also since messaged to say he is feeling better although still nervous & anxious. He enjoys the excursions with the school more than he thought he would.

He went on an exchange last year, to Spain. He seemed mostly ok there as he prefers Spanish & more of his friends were there. Also his exchange partner was a lot like him, this time the exchange partner is polar opposite to him.

I am finding it really hard & am worried that he is unhappy. I can't relax for worrying about him 😔 I am trying not to show this in messages to him.

I don't know what I want to achieve from this, maybe reassurance or shared experiences.

OP posts:
notgettinganyyounger · 17/03/2024 14:30

What is it that he is not enjoying? Is it being on his own with the host family? I must admit that would be my worst nightmare.

SeaToSki · 17/03/2024 14:32

If you can, take a deep breath and congratulate yourself for being a good parent by encouraging him to stretch himself and learn how to deal with tricky situations. He is going to grow up knowing how to deal with feeling uncomfortable and having the confidence to try new things. Its exactly what you should be doing as a parent, and its hard.

Lovetotravel123 · 17/03/2024 14:35

I didn’t enjoy either of my French exchanges but they didn’t do me any harm. It’s not that long and learning to deal with feeling uncomfortable is an important life skill. That said, I do understand and also get stressed when my child is away and unhappy.

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Original poster
changedmyname24 · 17/03/2024 14:50

He just said he was finding it really hard to communicate, even in English. That whenever he tries he stammers & can't do it 😔 Although he & the mum have both said they have had a talk now & it's ok, if not ideal. So maybe he will find it easier now.

I did exchanges at secondary school & I lived abroad for a year on 3 separate occasions, so I understand what it's like & I know the benefits it can bring. It's just so much harder when it's your child. When they message you so upset & there is little you can do. At least for my parents, there was no immediate contact with me, so ignorance was bliss! And maybe I missed them less because I knew I just had to get on with it. I just feel so guilty that he is away from us & unhappy.

OP posts:
zinky · 17/03/2024 14:55

Could he do some relaxation and breathing exercises with you on the phone ? And repeat some mantras? You could also mention that this is for a short period of time and then he will be back and he will find in life lots of different people and he would need to try to get on well and enjoy it.

Original poster
changedmyname24 · 17/03/2024 15:00

We are just on WhatsApp (also with DH). I am trying to be positive & not too overbearing or worried in my messages. Have said not long now & he has lots of excursions to look forward to.

DC growing up is in some ways harder than when they are tiny & you can watch everything they do 😬

OP posts:
notgettinganyyounger · 17/03/2024 15:01

Keep chatting when he wants to on whatsapp. Not long to go now

BruFord · 17/03/2024 15:01

Poor boy, he sounds so anxious. 🙁 I’m glad to hear that the Mum is sympathetic, they’re probably worried about him as well.

Given that the family sounds nice, I have a feeling that it’ll get better as the time passes. As PP’s have said, exchsnges can be difficult. My DD went on a French exchange a few years ago and her exchange student barely spoke to her- she bonded with the little sister (5) instead. Ironically that helped her French as the little girl speak any English.

Original poster
changedmyname24 · 17/03/2024 15:13

He has just updated to say his exchange is unwell, with suspected tonsillitis 🙈 The mum has arranged for him to go to a nearby town with DS' friend (from school) & that exchange family. He sounds a lot cheerier in his messages now, talking about going back to Spain to stay with old exchange family in the summer, alone!

Perhaps this needed to happen for things to get easier. The exchange family does seem nice & understanding.

OP posts:
ASighMadeOfStone · 17/03/2024 15:17

Aren't they with teachers from their own school?
Or there should at least be a coordinator at the host school looking after pastoral issues and checking up on the kids.
I work on the receiving end of international students in host families/exchange students etc but ours always have an accompanying teacher (or more than one) that they touch base with.

BruFord · 17/03/2024 15:17

That does sound like a good resolution. Poor exchange student though, they must be feeling rough.

Original poster
changedmyname24 · 17/03/2024 15:19

ASighMadeOfStone · 17/03/2024 15:17

Aren't they with teachers from their own school?
Or there should at least be a coordinator at the host school looking after pastoral issues and checking up on the kids.
I work on the receiving end of international students in host families/exchange students etc but ours always have an accompanying teacher (or more than one) that they touch base with.

Yes. He says that the teacher at first didn't mention that he finds it hard to talk to new people, but has now done so & it has helped. As well as DS & the mum having a talk.

OP posts:
Asshewheelsherwheelbarrow · 17/03/2024 15:25

changedmyname24 · 17/03/2024 15:13

He has just updated to say his exchange is unwell, with suspected tonsillitis 🙈 The mum has arranged for him to go to a nearby town with DS' friend (from school) & that exchange family. He sounds a lot cheerier in his messages now, talking about going back to Spain to stay with old exchange family in the summer, alone!

Perhaps this needed to happen for things to get easier. The exchange family does seem nice & understanding.

That’s great op! (Not about the tonsillitis obviously!) I’m glad your son is happier.

IMHO there should always be leeway on these trips to juggle placements a bit when the host pupil and the visiting pupil just don’t get on at all. There’s resilience and perseverance and there’s flogging a dead horse! Sometimes it just doesn’t work out and ten days is a long time to be miserable with no options.

TheOccupier · 17/03/2024 16:15

Bless him, I remember school exchange trips in the days long before there was any way to contact parents at home! Yes there is often some degree of weirdness/awkwardness/homesickness, but this sort of thing builds resilience - try not to worry, he will be home soon and it sounds like he's got a bit of an escape now anyway!

Original poster
changedmyname24 · 18/03/2024 08:28

He had a fab evening with school friend & their exchange family, so I can finally breathe! Ironically, this school friend was not somebody he really knew before this trip & now they are firm friends, so it's broadening his horizons in that way too 😊

Now can spend today preparing for DS2's EHCP review. There is always something going on!

OP posts:
notgettinganyyounger · 18/03/2024 15:31

Great news!

Original poster
changedmyname24 · 26/03/2024 21:27

So, another update on this, a twist in the tale. School called me to say that the mum has been in contact & does not want her daughter to stay with us! They are going to see if they can find another family to host her. The reason she gave is that she was not comfortable with DS & felt he made no effort.

I don't really know how to feel about it. The teacher was very reassuring & said that DS was not to blame. He said that he had conducted himself brilliantly on the trip & does in school & that he was sure there were students who would have spoken less French. He also said that he thought any other family would not have done the same. He said he was sure that DS could have spoken more but it is not unusual for exchange students & he feels the benefits are more than just linguistic in any case.

The girl would have been a poor fit for our family & most likely bored here, maybe awkward. But we would have tried to make her welcome & included. DS feels the family did not make much effort with him. He had a successful exchange to Spain last year, where he says the family made more effort & he was very much at home, to the extent that the boys want to do it independently in the summer.

I feel kind of relieved, but also disappointed. We enjoy hosting & learning about other cultures. But I also don't know how to feel with DS. I do wonder if, in the house, he tried hard enough. Maybe he wasn't keen on trying because he knew the exchange was very different to him. He is not always good at completing things he finds difficult, he wants to be good/perfect at everything. Also, during Scout camp last year, we had to pick him up with a bad tummy, so maybe he is not up to being away from home. Although in Madrid he was fine. So I do feel confused 😕

Sorry for rambling, I'm just getting it all down!

OP posts:
Ioverslept · 26/03/2024 21:38

It's normal sometimes we just don't get along easily with people, but it's part if the learning experience growing up. What a great opportunity and hopefully you will all get the best out of it somehow! It's great that you are in direct contact with the mum but of course encourage to child to communicate with the teacher too. Good luck!

Opine · 26/03/2024 21:38

Your DS felt uncontrollable with good reason it seems. I don’t know what kind of adults accuse a child who is in a foreign country with complete strangers, in their home of not making enough effort. You may describe them as shy or introverted but lacking effort is spiteful.

In your initial discussion with the mother she said he wasn’t as expected. Who was it she was expecting? What on earth did that mean? Weird people.

Don’t be offended that their DD won’t be coming to you. Were it me I’d rather she didn’t.

Hope your son is ok.

LlynTegid · 26/03/2024 22:01

Somewhat surprised your DS was with a host family with a DD. Hope any future exchanges go better.

cokezeroed · 26/03/2024 22:07

I would just put it behind you and not worry at all that the DD is not coming to you. Don't overthink it re your DS, he was in an uncomfortable situation and is only 15.

3smallpups · 26/03/2024 22:18

I wouldn't overthink it
Some host families are just not pleasant
Dd had a French exchange who had coeliac disease. We researched restaurants that we could take her to , took her on a day trip to London, bought special foods etc .
Dd is a vegetarian and the first night the mum gave her a pizza with ham on and told her to pick the ham off
It went downhill from there 🤣

caringcarer · 26/03/2024 22:25

When my DD went to France on an exchange she loved everything except having to kiss people all the time. She said she really hated that. She went to Spain and is still in contact with her Spanish exchange student 20 years later and they have been to each other's weddings and visit each other every couple of years.

Original poster
changedmyname24 · 27/03/2024 08:15

Yes, thanks all, I think I am overthinking it. Really, he got the fun part of discovering a new place, made new friends & was resilient. The teacher said his behaviour was beyond reproach. So maybe we have dodged a bullet if this DD would have been very unhappy here & things would have been awkward. We should save money on the extra groceries too, so that's a plus 😁 He will have plenty more opportunities, I know, so will chat to him properly before those. Kids always keep you guessing!

OP posts:
Toomuch44 · 27/03/2024 08:21

Almost sounds like he was staying with a family who expect only the best, rather than making the most and supporting whoever. Probably feels harsh, but you're probably better off not having the girl to stay. If your son, would still like someone to stay, could you suggest to the school to ask if there's anyone who would like to do a swap with the girl, so someone still comes to you.

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