Teenager on exchange trip struggling

[changedmyname24]

Ds1 is 15 (Year 10) & attends an international school, so the school does lots of exchange trips. He is away on one now, to France for 10 days. He left on Tuesday, back on Thursday.

He messaged a while ago saying he is really struggling & wants to come home 😔 He is too scared to talk much & not sleeping. He is worried that the family are upset with him.

I am in a little contact with the mum & explained how he feels. She has said they have now talked & she understands & that he is not as they would expect but trying his best & that is all they can ask. DS has also since messaged to say he is feeling better although still nervous & anxious. He enjoys the excursions with the school more than he thought he would.

He went on an exchange last year, to Spain. He seemed mostly ok there as he prefers Spanish & more of his friends were there. Also his exchange partner was a lot like him, this time the exchange partner is polar opposite to him.

I am finding it really hard & am worried that he is unhappy. I can't relax for worrying about him 😔 I am trying not to show this in messages to him.

I don't know what I want to achieve from this, maybe reassurance or shared experiences.

We have done that. But also he is hoping to do another mini-exchange with his Spanish exchange partner from last year, but independently, so won't miss out altogether. He was a lovely kid & his mum even invited all of us to visit, so he got that one right!

So there has been a further development in this situation! School rang us a week before the French kids came over, saying could we host a boy? So we are doing so.

He arrived on Tuesday & he is very quiet 🙈 Nice enough but very quiet. A better fit for DS but not perfect.

I can't tell if he is having an OK time & after DS' experience in France I am so paranoid he isn't! The first night they played table tennis together, then last night DS had a football match which he went & watched.

The weekend is my main concern. On Saturday they are off to watch a big football match for the team DS & DH support. The French kid is not mad on football but doesn't mind it & it will be a good atmosphere as they are being promoted. Unfortunately, it's also the day lots of the other French exchange pairs are meeting at a shopping mall! But I don't know what to do Sunday & Monday! Weather looks rubbish & budget very tight so original thoughts of beach or barbecue are out 🙈

Also, DS is finding it hard with the boy as he doesn't talk much & I think both are nervous. I have got him to message to see if any others are about at least tomorrow after school, but I don't know.

Anyway, I'm sure it will all work out, I just wish it was easier!

How old are the boys?

any common interests.

coukd they make their own pizzzas, build a fire in the garden and do smores, find a film on Netflix that you can get subtitles on maybe, board games, swimming

DS is 15 but quite mature, exchange is 14 but seems younger.

Both like/don't mind table tennis & tennis so had planned to send them to park to do that for a morning, then maybe they could stroll into town. But weather looks like that won't be possible 🙄

Garden too small for anything much & also weather 😬

Might do board games for an hour or 2. DS not keen but will just have to get on with it!

Have a party and invite a couple of other exchange pupils with DS’s friends You could make it after dinner and just provide crisps/sausage rolls etc. Your son and the exchange can have fun arranging stuff/music etc beforehand.

What is the boy interested in? What are his hobbies?

Unfortunately it seems the day they are free is the day we are busy!

He likes table tennis & tennis, hence that plan. Also board games, which will be good for a couple of hours.

I've had a look online & seen a Groupon deal for indoor crazy golf so might go with that. Then they can head off for a McDonald's or a dessert for an hour or so.

He is just home from another day in London (school is quite near so they are doing London every day) & seems happier than this morning, so I am somewhat encouraged.

I would ask whether any of the other families are free. There is safety in numbers and if your son is a little reserved it would be easier if there were a bunch of them.

If he is in a lot of contact with you it can make the homesickness much harder.

Exchange trips are often hard. I did lots and have received a few quite a lot younger than 15. But they are also very enriching.

Sorry should have rtft

He arrived on Tuesday & he is very quiet 🙈 Nice enough but very quiet. A better fit for DS but not perfect.

So where are all these expectations coming from that they should get on perfectly?? That's not the objective. They don't need to become BFFs.

Glad you have identified some activities for them to do.

I see what you mean but no expectations of perfection, it would make it easier though! Tbh I had forgotten how stressful this is!

Last night we took up a PP's suggestion & watched an English (American) film on Netflix with French subtitles, which worked well all round so we will do that again. Thanks for that suggestion.

If budget can stretch to it a trampoline park is always good, even when with friends you don't really need to chat much and the feel good hormones that are released always cheers everyone up

I agree they are a great thing for that, it's a strategy we use with DS2 who is autistic. Unfortunately, we don't have that money spare until after the weekend- £14.50 per child & we would need 4 (3 Dses plus exchange) 🙈

Ok, we're a third of the way through the weekend & I'm still not sure how it's going! DH, DS & exchange have been at football all day - travelled there on train, watched match, promoted champions so lifted cup, good atmosphere etc. Now on way back. DH says he's not sure if exchange enjoyed it, but 'he's ok' 😬 I'm so paranoid he is not happy & moaning to his parents like DS did to us 🙈

Weather looks decent again tomorrow so he & DS can go to park & play tennis & table tennis. He put on form that he enjoys these. Then roast dinner.

Then Monday is forecast rain so I think we'll go with indoor crazy golf & hanging round town a bit. Then home for a few board games, again he said he likes these on his form. And full English for brunch.

He is so very quiet it is difficult to know what he thinks of anything. I am constantly on edge trying to second guess. He is pretty polite, which is good.

Anyway, fingers crossed for the rest of the stay, we will keep trying!

Although his mum did say he is very quiet & doesn't talk much, which is somewhat reassuring that it's not just us.

When I went on the French exchange in 1988 (!) I was very quiet. I couldn't speak much French and was very homesick. I thought everything was fine (except feeling homesick!), but then was told by one of my teachers that they wanted me to say more. I was CONSIDERABLY less fine once I was told I was doing it wrong. But I survived, I was fine.

When my exchange partner came back oh my god she was homesick, she was in tears, she was on the phone to her parents, she moped around. We felt terrible for her. I cannot believe she was from the family that thought I wasn't chatty enough!

In summary, I'm sure your boy is fine! And if he's not he will survive! What about ice skating? Swimming? Ten pin bowling? Cinema?

You’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself OP!

I did exchanges through school too, I remember one in particular where I just couldn’t gel with the family at all, they just seemed so set in their ways but I couldn’t figure out what those ways were or how to fit in. And this was pre-WhatsApp, I remember pretending to be exhausted by 8pm just so I could go to ‘sleep’ 🤣 looking back now I see we were just so different and it’s a good lesson to learn that you just can’t be fast friends with everyone.

I do wonder about your DS school though - don’t they organise anything? On my exchanges 2 of my school teachers would also come, and we would do trips away at the weekends or trips to the cinema etc. on a weeknight. We might stay late at our exchange schools to play some football or basketball. Is there a group chat with all of the parents who are hosting, maybe that could be a way to coordinate and plan things for everyone or for small groups?

Maybe it’s not expected anymore but I do think the school should try facilitate more - BBQ or food truck one evening at school, dinner out, cinema, hiking trails, local beach/nature spot, museum, bus trip, activity Center, dance or martial arts class, boat trip, local castle, theme park, local swimming pool? When our exchanges would come back to attend our school we would ‘movie night’ in the school gym with a projector, popcorn machine, sweets and we would all wear PJ’s and bring pillows.

I am definitely a worry wart 🙈

The school has organised excursions every day, but evenings & weekends are down to us, except 2 evenings where they are back later from excursions anyway. Evenings have mostly been occupied so far, but the weekend is a different story.

My son doesn't know the other English exchange kids very well & I don't know the parents at all. Plus lots of them live quite a long way away - up to an hour by car or train. The school is an international school, so pupils come from far & wide, very few actually live locally like we do.

Am trying again to get DS to see if any of the others are up for meeting for whatever, wherever, but I'm not sure it will work. I can but try!

Well, it's nearly the end of the weekend & it's been ok! He enjoyed football on Saturday, yesterday the boys played tennis then we went round my parents' house for lunch & they all played in the big garden. Today we played a board game in the morning, then they went swimming with a few exchange pairs, about to pick them up now. Xbox & TV in between times.

He leaves first thing on Wednesday & is back late tomorrow, so this was our last real day. He is starting to come out of his shell a bit. He & DS will never be best buddies but got on well enough. It's been ok, although I'm looking forward to getting back to normal now.

God I'm stressed just reading all that it sounds like this one is going better. I'm shocked they put your DS with a girl. I've not heard of that before.

Yes, stressful is a word for it! They had more French girls than English girls, so no choice. So long as they weren't sharing a bedroom, I was fine with it. But seems the actual girl & family weren't great.

Thankfully, the lad staying with us is better, if still not ideal.

Op ask your son son did he at least say please and thank you. I've had exchange student who have not managed that let alone anything else

It's immense pressure I wouid just get him out and home if possible.