Can't get over that he had a private lap dance

[Aratsarse90]

It was around 6 months ago. He told me. At the time. I sobbed my heart out when I found out. I've just had a few drinks and mentioned it again tonight. He got angry. I feel worthless.i can't compete with what ever he saw/experienced. I'm 50. He's the same age. He's stopped off to bed. I'm now sobbing in the lounge, alone

I feel fat/ugly/frumpy/old/past it in comparison. I feel cheated on. He knows this.

He knows this and he responds to you mentioning it like he did ! You deserve better . He doesn’t deserve anymore of you . He’s made you feel terrible and shows no compassion , understanding or remorse . Sorry op , but I’d finish the relationship if I were you .

I’m so sorry and it’s natural that you’ve made it feel this way. I probably wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who did this but appreciate everyone’s situation is different. Try to find some calm and peace tonight, think on it tomorrow on a clear head xx

It’s made you feel this way** that should say

All I can picture is him with a 20 year old gorgeous, slim, sexy woman lunging over him while he enjoys the whole thing. I'm slim and have a great body, it's my best feature and always has been. I get attention when I go out, yet DH shows no interest when I wear sexy undies. He never has any interest in sex either and has ED but has never addressed it.i have evern been chatted up while stood with him. He's done/ said nothing and thought the bloke was just "being friendly".

If the lap dance issue is still bothering you, it means that it is was never properly addressed. Clearly it has impacted you a lot. Perhaps it is time to have an open conversation with your husband on how you feel, rather than it being a blame game. Seems like there are are deeper underlying issues here, prominently the lack of intimacy in your relationship. You could consider couples' counselling to work through this. If nothing else, it will give you some clarity on the future of your marriage and your expectations. There is no point in suffering in silence.

Look on it this way - he had to pay a woman to give him attention with a lap dance.
You get chatted up... you are attractive - you don't have to bribe someone to pretend they find you sexy. Do women try to chat HIM up when you are with him?

He should be damn grateful to have you in his life.

I'm sobbing my heart out on the sofa, alone. He's stropped off to bed. I just want him to come and tell me how much he loves me. How do very sorry he is. How much he wants me. How he broken me heart but will spend the rest of his o life making it up to me, type of thing. His much he desires me. But instead he sleeps alone. Leaving Me downstairs alone, knowing I'm upset

He's a shit, isn't he.

Are you actually interested in staying with him when he won't discuss serious issues without getting angry, actively avoids intimacy, has untreated ED and prefers to leave you upset than face up to his sleazy behaviour?

@bluesatin everyone says he's punching and always has been..

He paid for a younger woman to dance for him. A much younger, thoroughly disinterested and very exploited woman.

In a way I think this kind of transactional moment is worse than actual cheating be it physical or emotional.

Not worse for you - to be clear. Very much him. What an absolute loser. To throw it all away for someone young enough to be your daughter and not even interested in you. Pathetic.

I’m really sorry this has happened. Fuck him off, op.

He’s a dick. I couldn’t get over a lap dance in itself, but his reaction is just awful. You deserve to be desired.

@RosePombear that's it - deserved to be desired. I am never made to feel desired. Even if he has ED. He could still make me feel desired. But he never tries to, ever.

And he doesn't give 1 shit that I'm downstairs alone and crying. Not 1 shit. He's sleeping like a baby right now I suspect

Dh please comedown stairs and try to make it OK

Hamlet.

You've admitted you've had a drink and decided to bring it up. After 6 months. As a bloke, 6 months down the line, he probably thought it was done and dusted. So you raising it out the blue caused him to wonder what was going on
Alcohol inflates every emotion, so no doubt, this desperate crying and feeling of frumpiness is alcohol driven. After all you know you are 'slim with a great body' and that men openly flirt with you (even tho you think you husband doesn't notice), so....
You either forgive him and move on with your relationship, or split and get someone who doesn't have ED and, who wants you

@VestibuleVirgin yes, I think he thought it was done and dusted. I can forgive but what I cannot get past is the feeling that he wanted a younger/fitter/slimmer/prettier woman; that I will never be all of those things (but I am slim and have a good figure); the thought that he desired something other than what I can offer; the thought of what does he now think of me/my body looks after seeing the dancer; that I am not what he desires (he never makes me feel desired and never has done by means of any behaviours/gestures/words).

I have huge body insecurities and always have had. This is quite possibly one of the worst things he could have done to escalate/add to those insecurities.

My body image and self confidence are at an all time low. I hate every bit about how I look.

Maybe this is about me and my body/self image issues rather than him having a dance ?

@Aratsarse90 it seems like a bit of both. A lap dance seems such a seedy thing, and it does make one feel completely insecure, naturally!
I know what you mean about not showing any desire towards you, but maybe that's just a man thing...
I hope you can resolve this

Okay, lap dance aside (which I don't agree with obvs), I just wanted to offer some advice about the ED, and share my experience, because I think this is at the heart of this problem (somewhat).

My DH also had ED, and our sex life was rubbish. For years, I felt exactly like you describe (undesirable), and my DH would often ignore any upset, as he didn't have the answer.

We have recently turned things around, by him talking a daily tablet called Tadalafil. He gets this from Numan (on-line). He can now get an erection at any time, and the change to our sex life has been enormous. This is after YEARS of us having problems.

I know that right now, you will want to concentrate on the argument from last night and why he didn't comfort you etc, but when the dust has settled please have a think about trying Tadalafil (if you want to fix things). We've gone from having sex about 8 times a year, to a few times a week, if not more. Once you get your sex life back on track, so many other things seem to fall in to place, such as how you feel about yourself and your body.

Ty @BlondiesHaveMoreFun . I will certainly look at this. We have not had sex for years, but not through the want of me trying.

I need to feel desired and I want to be desired by him. I want him to want me sexually and to show this. That yes he does still fancy me, yes he finds me attractive. Atm I feel like I want/fancy/desire him more than he him to me.

Your DH gets angry because he has ED- he has no lead in his pencil and if he won’t get help then he’s stuck. He probably fears affection will mean you want more and he can’t get perform. Embarrassed and angry. Perhaps he knows he’s punching and thinks you’ll leave?
He’s had a lap dance (in what circs? Out with the boys or of his own volition?

Personally a lap dance would be a deal breaker for me, if it’s a personal room like you see on tv- seedy. I’d have the ick. If it’s somewhere like Hooters on a lads night/stag, I’d find it grim but wouldn’t leave over it. There would be pay back though and DH knows this.

Do you do anything together? Meals, holidays?

I really think you need to make this about you first, address why you feel so low and go from there.

You sound like you just want him to cuddle you and tell you he loves you- you’ve said he isn’t that type of man and never was. I think you either accept that, dress to the nines, get hair and nails done and go out with friends, create your own life or consider splitting up. You sound so despondent.

You're close to peaking. When you reach the peak, you won't want him anymore. Don't be afraid. Stop blaming yourself. It's not your body image that's wrong, it's his sleazy behaviour (having a lap dance) and his lack of love (no sex, no positive response to you). He checked out of your love life long ago. Get his useless arse out of your life.

Your feelings are completely valid. Are you able to leave, financially? At your age I'd personally want out of that marriage. No kids or dependents to be concerned about. He just doesn't care. It's not a marriage I'd want to be part of. What's the point? I'd rather be single.

@Ydkiml He never gets chatted up, ever. I don't mean to blow my own trumpet - and I never do - but he couldn't get better than me. A few times blokes have asked me what I am doing with him, even a stranger once !

But regardless of looks etc I find him attractive and like to think we have something special between us that even if some hot fit rich bloke was to chat me up they could never compete. DH is larger than me but regardless, I love him, smells and all lol. I just wish he would show that he ADORES me. That is what I need, but never get.