Can't get over that he had a private lap dance

[Aratsarse90]

It was around 6 months ago. He told me. At the time. I sobbed my heart out when I found out. I've just had a few drinks and mentioned it again tonight. He got angry. I feel worthless.i can't compete with what ever he saw/experienced. I'm 50. He's the same age. He's stopped off to bed. I'm now sobbing in the lounge, alone

@RickyGervaislovesdogs the lap dance was on a stag do. By the sounds of it, in a back room type thing. He claims none of the other lads knows he had it. No idea if that's true or even care if that's true.
He's punching with me, I say that even with my insecurities. I don't know if he thinks hat he's punching though.
We have meals & holidays together. He cooks a lot for us. We have DC. We Spend fri/sat nights on the sofa type of thing.

I don't know why he doesn't get his ED sorted. I once brought him viagra as he said he was too embarrassed to buy it. He never took it.
He refuses to discuss the dance or the ED or address it. He can be like a teenager when it comes to things like periods and sex. Ie shy, silly and inappropriate. He still refers to me as being 'blobbed up' when I have my period.

Don't know where I go from here tbh. 6 months later and it feels just as raw as when he first told me. We're busy planning thing's for this year together/as a family eg holidays etc.

I'm just left feeling like an old & aged greying frump who is losing her looks. But still has a great body !

Why do you think he told you? Guilt/you might find out? to hurt you? Is there any chance he’s viewing porn? I just can’t imagine doing this to someone I love, knowing how much it would hurt them.

Another thought is he has friend zoned you and simply isn’t interested in sex. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you are both on the same page. Could he have lost his libido and also doesn’t particularly care that he has? He sounds like he simply just can’t be bothered, that he’s comfortable. He’s emotionally unavailable.

My last guess is that he’s just going through the motions with family things and isn’t very happy in the marriage but for whatever reason happy to plod along as long as you don’t pressure him to communicate about your relationship. Does he ever say he loves you? Do you say it to him?

I think you have two choices, give him an ultimatum and say you have to have a sit down, face to face discussion about sex, his ED and the lap dance or the marriage is over (you’d have to mean it though).
OR let it go and carry on as you are- as friends.

I can tell you love him very much, but I think
you’d be better off without him, I’m not sure he can give you what you need. People sometimes drift apart, fall out of love, change it doesn’t matter how smart, slim, fit, beautiful you are. It’s just something that happens.

He won't change so you have to. I suggest you start with changing your address.

I don't think he's lost his libido. I think he's afraid to try to have sex, because of his ED and he feels like an embarrassing failure. This was 100% the case for my DH. Now he knows that his "equipment" isn't going to let him down, he is very different and not afraid to initiate. The Tadalafil takes a few months to kick in though. I would do what RickyGervaislovesdogs suggest and sit him down for a proper talk and an ultimatum. He either tries medication or it's over. My own DH used to look at porn, but not have sex with me, so I know how this lap dance will be making you feel. It's hard to make sense of it. But porn and lap dances don't require erections, do they? I can't praise this medication enough, it has saved our marriage.

He has no respect for women, thinks they are a commodity that can be bought. That would be enough for me to end it. Sorry OP.