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Original poster

Not interested in my girlfriend's ex's kids, should I be?

58 replies

TheBestCrisp · 16/03/2024 19:06

I'm seeing a woman who was with her ex for about 10 years and was stepmother to two boys. Father not around.
She's just started taking the boys on the odd day out again, not done this since they split up.
I'm not really interested in them. She'll send me videos of them and tell me what she's bought them etc. I don't mind that she's doing what she does with them, I'm happy for her as I know she missed them and played a huge part in their lives when they were younger but she's just sent me a video of them at a climbing wall type activity and I don't really know what I'm supposed to say? I don't know them, I'm not interested, and now I'm thinking am I a terrible person? Is this abnormal?

OP posts:
Notsuretoputit · 16/03/2024 19:13

This is like when friends send me videos and photos of their kids. I don’t care, find it dull, but I care about my friend so just a generic ‘looks like they’re having fun’, ‘ah that’s sweet’, ‘they’re enjoying themselves’ takes seconds and keeps them happy. I’ve no doubt that’s what my friends humour me with when I show them videos of my nephew too.

I’d just say something generic as above the way you’d pretend to be interested if she was sending her running route/photo of her cooking or whatever hobby she may have.

Durdledore · 16/03/2024 19:14

First post nails it as always.

Scaffoldingisugly · 16/03/2024 19:14

Yanbu.. Other people's dc are of absolutely no interest to me..

Tieredmum · 16/03/2024 19:16

I think you should find a new partner. She comes as a package with the children. You’re not unreasonable or unkind but indeed why should you be put in a position where you’re expect to support another man’s children? But there’s not going to be a long term future in this relationship when you both have different priorities.

Original poster
TheBestCrisp · 16/03/2024 19:19

Thank you everyone. To be fair when she sends me new things she's done (like anything néw, or something to dowith her work or anything really, I don't have to feign interest then because I am interested! But just not in these kids. Who apparently she hopes I can meet one day. I'm not interested in going for days out with them either and hope that doesn't end up coming along as a thing! It is a fair drive to see her and I'd like that to be adult time, I don't want to be going to 'child' places like this activity she's done with them today. Guess I'll cross that bridge if it comes.

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Cbljgdpk · 16/03/2024 19:19

Its fair that you’re not interested in them but the person you love/care about does care about them so you should show an interest, you only have to ask after them and say it looks fun in the same way you might about her nieces and nephews

AttaThat · 16/03/2024 19:22

Guess I'll cross that bridge if it comes.

No. These kids are very important to her. If you’re not willing to spend time with them, and you know she will want you to, you should be clear about that now.

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 16/03/2024 19:22

Tieredmum · 16/03/2024 19:16

I think you should find a new partner. She comes as a package with the children. You’re not unreasonable or unkind but indeed why should you be put in a position where you’re expect to support another man’s children? But there’s not going to be a long term future in this relationship when you both have different priorities.

Why would he be expected to support the children? His partner isn't supporting them, they're not even her children they're her step children! At best they're going to be an occasional visitor.

maudelovesharold · 16/03/2024 19:27

Is it because they are her ex’s dc? Would you feel differently if she suggested going on a day out with her nephews/nieces, who would similarly just be random kids to you? They are part of her family, as far as she’s concerned, which is lovely.

Original poster
TheBestCrisp · 16/03/2024 19:31

That's a good point, @AttaThat .I will. I mean, I don't mind if it is occasionally! But I only see her every two weeks anyway? I think maybe that makes a difference? If I saw her several times a week then it'd be fine but I see our time together as precious.

Her ex stopped her seeing them, form what she's told me. And now they're a bit older they've said they want to see her and they're old enough to have a voice. The eldest one is 12 and apparently learned my gf was having a pub lunch with her sister and just turned up and that's how it began.

@Tieredmum I'm sorry, I don't understand that. I've been seeing her for two years and they've only just come along? Not a package.

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Original poster
TheBestCrisp · 16/03/2024 19:34

@maudelovesharold I'm not sure? She has two great nieces who I've spent time with and have a bit of a bond with but she doesn't ever have them alone, they've just sometimes been at her family members homes when I've visited. It's hard to say because I can't think of how any other random children would be in this situation with her! I'm not a jealous person though at all, nothing like that.

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SplitFountainPen · 16/03/2024 19:38

Is there a bit of jealousy causing the lack of interest specifically in them?
Not meaning that as a dig, but if it is maybe you can work past it by reframing how you view them. Rather than being reflections of/connections to her ex view it as how you'd see an adopted child of hers, they will have undoubtedly picked up many traits of your girlfriend by her bringing them up.

JMSA · 16/03/2024 19:40

She sounds lovely. As the children are important to her, I think you're going to have to at least fake some level of interest.

JMSA · 16/03/2024 19:40

SplitFountainPen · 16/03/2024 19:38

Is there a bit of jealousy causing the lack of interest specifically in them?
Not meaning that as a dig, but if it is maybe you can work past it by reframing how you view them. Rather than being reflections of/connections to her ex view it as how you'd see an adopted child of hers, they will have undoubtedly picked up many traits of your girlfriend by her bringing them up.

An interesting point.

Original poster
TheBestCrisp · 16/03/2024 19:42

No, as I've said before I'm really not a jealous person and her ex has had very little to do with the whole thing anyway.
I'm glad she can see them again, I just don't have much of an interest in them.
Her ex was trying to get her back a few months ago and I didn't get bothered then. And I trust her.

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Original poster
TheBestCrisp · 16/03/2024 19:43

I've responded to the videos asking a couple of questions and saying how much fun it looks. Which it does really albeit not something I'd personally enjoy taking children to.

GF Haa never shown any interest in anything I do at all, come to think of it.

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maudelovesharold · 16/03/2024 19:57

GF Haa never shown any interest in anything I do at all, come to think of it.

Maybe that’s the problem?

x2boys · 16/03/2024 19:59

Well the children clearly mean a,lot.to her if she was with their mum and part of their.lives for ten years she probably does love them and miss them
Will she be seeing them regularly?
The children are nothing to you though as long as you can live with their having a,relationship with them just show a,mild interest in their well being .

Original poster
TheBestCrisp · 16/03/2024 20:03

@maudelovesharold maybe? That literally just popped into my head. She plays a sport for instance and I've been to countless related things with her but I've got a couple of hobbies and she won't come to those with me (fair enough) and they're about ann hour log maximum whereas I've been at her spots things all day and night before. And she never asks about what I've done or shows any interest in my work or interests at all. I am now wondering.. ! But it could just be that I'm just not bothered about someone else's kids that I've never met too, couldn't it. Again I am happy for her. It isn't that I'm not pleased about it.

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Original poster
TheBestCrisp · 16/03/2024 20:03

I'm not sure if she'll be seeing them regularly.

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Original poster
TheBestCrisp · 16/03/2024 20:08

She has just text me saying that they want to go to the pictures next time so I am guessing it'll be a semi-regular thing at least. Not the subject I began the thread on but she already will only see me every two weeks so I suppose that'll mean even less now, which I am sad about although I do not begrudge her seeing these children.

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Purplevioletsherbert · 16/03/2024 20:08

If you’ve been with her for two years, and the oldest is twelve, how was she a stepmum to two children for ten years?

Thegoodbadandugly · 16/03/2024 20:09

Tieredmum · 16/03/2024 19:16

I think you should find a new partner. She comes as a package with the children. You’re not unreasonable or unkind but indeed why should you be put in a position where you’re expect to support another man’s children? But there’s not going to be a long term future in this relationship when you both have different priorities.

By the sound of the post they are not her children.

Original poster
TheBestCrisp · 16/03/2024 20:11

Yes, they're her ex's children. She hadn't seen them for about 4 years up until recently @Thegoodbadandugly I was confused by that Post!

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Original poster
TheBestCrisp · 16/03/2024 20:13

I've probably got my dates mixed up. Eldest is 12 yes. So it can't have been ten years. I just remember her saying when we met that her longest relationship was 10 years. Maybe it was not as long as she said. She did say the youngest was only a baby when she met her ex though? I don't know. She was economical with the truth shall we say, when we got together. Said they'd been split up for longer than they had. I just let that go.

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