I've sprained my arsehole. Help!

[SprainedBum]

It is agony!

I've got covid. I have an awful uncontrollable cough and some associated (controllable!) gastric distress. I was minding my own business earlier on the porcelain throne relieving said gastric distress and suddenly coughed without warning... and subsequently sprained my arsehole.

I think I've pulled my puborectalis or levator ani or something. It's like constant arse daggers. I can't sit down (currently half sat/half lying sprawled across the sofa) and I lied to my husband and said I'd pulled a muscle in my leg walking the dog, when he asked why I was hobbling gingerly round the house. Every time I cough (quite frequently right now!) It feels like I've sat on an electric fence.

What can I do to relieve my distress aside from sneakily sitting on a hot water bottle? Ive got a 12 hour shift tomorrow and can barely move😭

I’m sorry to hear this (and my sincerest apologies for laughing)
could you sit on an ice pack?

I thought you'd autocorrected ankle to aresehole, which is no help at all, soz

This exactly. Sorry, I hope someone can help with a proper suggestion 💐

Tell your husband, it will make life easier, it's difficult treating a problem in secret. Then rest a hot water bottle against it and take painkillers. In the initial stages of muscle pain you should medicate.

I thought you had inflicted an injury to a not so nice man!!

Pile cream! The stuff with a painkiller, is it lidocaine? Ouch.

I was going to reply “ divorce him.”

Pain-killing drugs.

Tell your husband, lighten the load

Take some paracetamol (not ibuprofen, it's apparently dangerous when you have Covid) try a warm bath?

Ice it? I think you’re going to have to tell him. Either that or he might think you e developed concerning new kinks overnight.

Order one of those donut arse cushions off Amazon, the ones with a hole in the middle. I cannot explain the pain relief this gave my undercarriage region after giving birth. Hope your butt's on the mend soon

I’ve never heard of anyone spraining their bum before!
Just tell DH, hot water bottle and ice pack, alternate, something you can rub on (although not too close to any entry points!) with a local anaesthetic maybe? Not sure really, struggling to comprehend whether the spraining feels internal or external.

Anusol! Fabulous stuff

You have Covid but you’re going to work tomorrow…?

Have a large glass of wine or similar to try to relax it
Do not have sex or masturbate!

Spraining is definitely internal, I'd have to squirt anusol up my anushole. I did have quite significant birth trauma in that region a few years ago so it's already a bit of a car crash down there.

I never even knew this was possible! I've taken some paracetamol and it'll be an early night with a book and hot water bottle tonight I think!

Have you felt the area OP? Can you feel any lump or anything different to normal? Have you looked at the area with a mirror? It might be a haemorrhoid or even a bowel prolapse. The latter is bright pink normally, whereas a haemorrhoid is generally a lump on one side! If it is pink (look at pics online), I'd go to A&E.
If its just a haemorrhoid or sprain- get a haemorrhoid cream with lidocaine in it and also take ibuprofen and/or paracetamol.

Oh god I genuinely did this once!! Sneezed at work and clenched so so hard to keep a fart in that I sprained the sphincter. Took days to settle

I'm almost 3 weeks in now but this cough will not do one

@SprainedBum have you actually pushed a pile out with the effort of coughing?

I didn't even know this is a thing. I'm so sorry but it's hilarious 😂. Maybe an ice pack? Anusol would that numb it? I have no idea!

No piles, no prolapses - it's muscular, like the back wall. Please don't make me draw a diagram

Could you try paracetamol suppositories?

I once asked for anus .ol ,told a friend they couldn't stop laughing.

OP, I'm sorry to hear of your suffering, but this sentence is one of the best things I've ever read on Mumsnet:

I'd have to squirt anusol up my anushole