feel forced out of role and don’t know what to do

[Workhelplease]

I sound pathetic but am at breaking point and don’t know what to do.

am in a very senior role, in typically a male dominated environment and clash massively with a male peer. Have tried v hard to manage this in a number of ways. Am not the only one who has an issue with him. I’m more introvert, he (imo) is confident and extremely arrogant.

he has minimised me, embarrassed me and now assumed the position of a more senior role - internally and externally -largely by communicating this himself to peers.

my management recognise this but he is every much viewed as a golden boy of the business by exec level (largely from taking everyone else’s credit)

something happened today which has triggered me to point of a panic attack.

HR won’t really be any help - I know this from politics. Of course I can raise a grievance but will definitely not be upheld.

if I resign with no job to go to, I’m worried about finances ( mortgage etc). Industry is rife with job cuts also.

if I take sick leave, feel will worsen problem as god knows what narrative will be.

if I leave to go to another job, am worked he will trash talk me in an industry where people know each other.

I’m very confident in my ability and can prove my worth but I’m a shell of myself these days. My confidence is shot, I’m failing at presentations. I’m not sleeping. I feel ill the whole time.

dh is frustrated as says is only work.

please can anyone help me find a way to cope and also to improve things.

thanks

Very hard but try the mantra work to live not live to work. Try practicing not caring so much.

Why not take some sick leave or annual leave to get away from it for just few days. You'll make yourself sick if you continue like this.

Thank you. I feel sick already but the thought of being off sick is making it worse too as worried will be viewed negatively for that.

total vicious circle but one I feel has and continues to spiral out of control

Quietly quit whilst looking for another job, preferably in a different industry.
HR aren’t there for you, so it’s good you acknowledge this now.
Sick Leave just shows yourself as vulnerable with one foot out the door, and gives them the floor to tarnish your name in your absence.
Grievances are difficult to get upheld, and even when upheld in full ‘so what’. You are now the problem employee who puts grievances in against people.

Sorry this is happening to you.

From someone who's been there, you need to get out of there. The longer it goes on the more you will doubt yourself and end up too afraid to go to interviews.

I'm in an industry where everybody talks but that doesn't mean we all blindly trust what others say about people. People with terrible reputations still get jobs and people with glowing recommendations end up to be a terrible fit. You learn quickly to judge for yourself.

Thanks all, really good advice I needed to hear.

i need to get out i know. Am just worried how long it will take and if i quietly quit, if that will end up in me being exited!

Update your CV and get it out there first starters.

Have you Employee Assistance Programme at work?

Yes I do have this

Will look into!

OP it sounds like a terrible situation. What do you mean you fail at presentations? That should tell you it’s time to take a break or move on.

i stumble and bumble way through now, when a few months ago (and previously through my career was fine)

lost all confidence when speaking publicly

Poor you, he sounds awful. Agree call EAP tomorrow, a listening ear might help you gain some perspective. Update cv tomorrow. Look at all your achievements. Then look for something else, if he’s the golden boy it’s going to get worse.

I'm going to go against the grain and say before looking to leave, I'd probably try and see a good therapist first. You need to work on your self esteem before throwing yourself into trying to sell yourself at interviews. Do you think you could do this? Or do you think the undermining at work is too unbearable?

I'm in a similar position to you. Absolute toxic work environment where it seems perfectly acceptable to shout at colleagues, undermine each other and throw anyone you can under the bus. I was lucky enough to have a work coach who really helped build my confidence and take control back. And with that the strength to throw myself back into the marketplace.

You feel like that now because you're in the midst of the situation. Although I understand that thinking about calling in sick makes you worry more, the converse is also true. Once you are off sick and away from that environment you will STOP worrying and caring so much. You just really really need a break. You clearly are genuinely sick from the stress of work so bite the bullet and get signed off. Once you've been off for a week or so things will look clearer and you'll be better placed to make a longer term decision about what you want to do about your job.

I'm sorry you're going through that. I've had similar and the only solution is to get out before the situation destroys your mental health. Finding another job was the best thing I ever did. It's taking time to get my confidence back, but I'm getting there.

Thanks all. For the gazillionth night, I just can’t sleep. This is taking over my life and becoming all I can think about.

hoping anyone else in a similar situation is doing ok.

Work - this really isn’t worth it you know x

I know I said don’t go off on sick leave, but I actually think you should. Don’t call it work related stress though, call it something else. Have a week off then get a doctor’s note for at least a month. You need to get some perspective back. Life is too short and too precious for this sh*t xx

Thank you. Again such good advice. I know this but am becoming so focused on negative impact long term, I can’t see wood for trees.

questions that keep circling - what if cannot find another job. If I stay, how much more can take. Quit quietly means opening myself up to more humiliation as he will take more and more, insinuating or just plain telling others that I’m not good enough or can’t cope (the latter starting to be true)

You can’t control what other people do. Or what they say, or what they believe. Or anything in fact !
If other people want to believe stuff despite knowing better of you, then that says more about them than it does about you. Ask yourself why you care so much about what these people think ? And so little about what you know to be true ?

What industry are you in - does it begin with E or T ?

thank you so much for replying and at this time. Industry is banking - but quite a niche area.

I guess am so bothered by what people think as discrimination in this industry on many levels is rife and until now, have navigated challenges to progression well and succeeded on merit.

im feeling like have had Rug totally pulled from under me and am flailing.

Do you really believe 1 person has that much influence? Industry-wide even ?
I mean, if you were rubbish that might be easy enough, but you clearly aren’t.

In a similar situation where I was also being bullied by my line manager I did this:

• updated CV and looked for new job
• got headhunted for a role paying 21% more
• resigned from job and started working notice
• raised grievance outlining all concerns together with evidence about halfway through notice and never went back in to that office
• employer closed grievance with settlement of 3 months salary as evidence was overwhelming
• old boss sacked 4 months after I left the employer, as he was unable to perform the tasks I used to do...sweet sweet karma delivered

Your mental health and well-being is worth so much more than staying in this situation for any length of time. In your shoes I'd get looking for a new role immediately; you need to put the defeatist attitude to one side and propel your energy into your job search.

May I ask how old you are? Without minimising what is happening I wonder if your reaction and change in your ability to cope with the situation could be related to menopause. I went through something very similar - ultimately I was a boiling frog that hadn’t noticed the gradual change until I was mentally over the cliff. Couldn’t sleep, constant state of panic, no focus, catastrophising etc leading to me being unable to cope with my stressful job. I wish someone had told me that lots of terrible things can happen before hot flushes. Fortunately I am entirely recovered and I am once again bossing it at work.

I've been in similar but less extreme situations. Try to grey rock this particular person and work generally. Focus on getting tasks done and ignore bad behaviour, don't let it rile you. Don't get drawn into issues or disputes.

It does sound like you will have to leave. However I do think that it's unlikely that this person's influence will follow you into your next job. It's possible that you have built it up in your own mind too much.

Definitely apply for new roles. Even though people talk you will be better positioned to prove your own merit in a different environment.

I would also look at some counselling or CBT for your esteem.