What can I say to my friend with a terminally ill child

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What do I say to my friend whose 3 year old has a terminal diagnosis and has been admitted into hospital.
I'm devastated for her, for the child. She is strong and resilient and bereft and matter of fact about it - always has been. She is such an amazing woman. I'm just in awe of her.
Obviously she knows knows knows all of this, I've said it to her over and over again. You're amazing and I'm sorry and I'm here for you whenever you need anything.
Just at this point where she thinks it's the end I just don't have the words to comfort her and it feels shit because it's the very least one can do in this situation.

Offer practical help with whatever you can do whether it’s food, cleaning, transport. Give specifics of these things.
Tell her you can’t carry what she is carrying but you can do the mundane everyday stuff so she can use her energy on getting through this awful time.

Just be there and support her. Particularly if the inevitable happens, be there and try to help. Everyone disappears after the funeral etc and it's very lonely. Thinking of you both.

You cannot say a thing that will make it better so I wouldn't even try. All you can do is witness it with her. She probably won't even remember anything you say.

A terrible heart rending situation. How are YOU?

So sad. Does she have other children which she needs practical help with? Childcare, lifts etc? Could you make some food or do some laundry for her?

Don’t say anything. Just do things. Don’t ask what you can do instead just do it.

Just keep talking to her.

Don't make your own grief/sorrow at the situation her problem. A friend of mine whose DC went through cancer treatment said this was the worst thing.

You don't have to fix it (you know you can't, she knows you can't) or distract her from her pain in those moments. She just wants you to listen to whatever she needs to say. It's going to be shit, because it is, objectively, shit. Just sit with that with her.

She might like to hear your everyday news or she might not. It feels strange when you're in that timeless fug of grief and the world is moving like normal around you. I expect that is even more strange when it's a child.

You're a lovely friend x

You say 'I'm so sorry darling.'. And then you stick around, and you do practical useful things - don't say 'If there's anything I can do just ask', listen to her. When she says she has an appointment to go to, ask her if she wants a companion, or can you drive her? Bring small portions of foods you know she likes. Maybe get her a gift card for the coffee outlet at the hospital (assuming there is a chain there, it does seem to be the thing nowadays) so she always has an option to get a drink.

Just be there, and take care of her where you can, in whatever way that works for her.

What a horrid situation for her to be in. I don't know her, obviously, but I wish her peace.

I agree with other posters, there is nothing you can say but just make yourself as useful as possible and remove as many tasks as you can for her.

She will say no, or its not important right now, you should still do them. She wont know what she wants and whats for the best so don't take her brush off at face value.

Lots of snack type foods, she wont want to face full meals, any laundry, other kids to drop to school/have round for tea and sleep overs, does she need lifts? She wont be in the best frame of mind for driving about.

So many people told me 'we're here if you need anything', and i did need them.... I just did not know how to utilise that and felt cheeky calling upon them for mundane tasks. If someone just cracked on with it i would have been so grateful.

What @growgrowinggrown said definitely. She’s not going to know what she wants (if my experience of a close friend going through the same thing is anything to go by). Just crack on and offer as much practical support as possible. Anything you can do to make it easier for her to spend as much time with her child as she can without having to worry about mundane things.

I know you have the best will in the world but please stop telling her she is strong and resilient and amazing. I had this a lot and I didn't feel strong but it made me feel like I had to put a face on because its what people expected.

Acknowledge things are shit, that there's nothing you can say, but do make actual offers of help, not so much an open ended "if there's anything you need....." but like tell her you're making food or picking up her washing or whatever.

Don't shy away when things get harder either.

Make sure that you have someone outwith the situation to talk to as well, it's hard being a support system.

As people have said give practical support like a lasagne or cottage pie if cooking. You are a lovely friend but stop telling her how amazing she is.. the fact is parents dont really have a choice not to cope (most are trying to keep it together for their child) and it can become very trying to hear this repeatedly from others even if theh mean well. Make sure she is not having to comfort you and think about your feelings. Offer to go for a walk or a drink if she is able to take a break. Keep texting to check in but add in your message you don't need a response.

How devastating for that family, you are being a good friend

When my daughter was stillborn, I had plenty of people saying so sorry, sending flowers and asking me what they could do to help. And whilst I was of course very grateful, I will be eternally thankful for the friend who just turned up with a warm lasagne (and homemade food to go in the freezer) and, with a big hug, took away my washing/ironing pile and sorted my emails/admin. Although I have told her many times she was my saviour, she will never know how much she helped.

Daily:

Hey there friend. How are you doing today.

Hey hon. Just checking in. How’s things?

Hey! Saw this funny and thought of you. Hope you’re holding up.

Hi love. No need to reply, I’m just sending good vibes. Always here for ya x

Hi there. Are you about on Monday? I’ve finished a few (books/trashy magazines/knitting patterns) and I’ll leave them on your porch if you want. No is fine too.

Repeat. As long as needed.

Give her a safe and completely judgement free space to say everything and anything she needs to say or do.

One of the hardest things when my mum died was feeling all this anger and hate and not feeling like I could say it out loud without offending someone or being judged as a horrible person.

You can't fix this, it will be truly awful for her, so just be there and make sure she knows that anything goes.

Thank you mumsnet xx
My mind was just so blank and these all make sense.

Lots of good advice here. As someone who has been through the death of a child, I would say…check in regularly, say there is no need to reply but wanted to let you know i’m thinking of you; say i’m so sorry and i’m thinking of you/ I am here for you.

Offer practical help (food, dog walks, school runs for other children etc) and don’t say ‘let me know if I can help’ - I didn’t have the energy to think of what help I needed and actually ask for it.

Be there when the going gets tough, and don’t forget after the funeral. Everyone was there for me until the funeral and then disappeared.

Don't keep saying she's brave, resilient etc. She's getting through a shit situation, she's not a superhero. Saying that kind of thing is basically like saying 'I'm not going to think too hard about what it's like to be you, because that would never happen to me.'

I've not had a child die, but my son was critically ill for a while last year and spent a fortnight in hospital then recuperating for a few weeks more. What helped was having people available to talk at, at any time. Practical things like childcare and bringing comfy clean clothes and toiletries. What didn't help was people making sad faces and asking for updates all the time.

There was also lots of practical stuff that lapsed - insurance renewal, paying bills, cleaning the house, watering plants, emptying the bins etc. For a while we basically only came home to sleep so everything went to pot a bit. If you can help with any of the mundane stuff without her having to fill her head with it, that would help.

One thing I realised when my son was ill, you just can't run on maximum distress all the time - even when things look fully bleak, there's a limit to how much of the day you can spend wailing. When her child has passed away, she might be glad of just having someone to go for a walk with, watch boxsets with, without having to feel guilty about wanting to do mindless things in between bouts of grief.

Agree on the offer to do stuff. Not just “let me know if I can help” actually offer “Hey just letting you know, I will bring Johnny back from football on Tuesdays for the foreseeable. No is fine if not needed”

Is your friend and her dc in hospital? Can you go to the door of the ward and drop off a cup of coffee/nice juice/anything nice? Give her a hug at the door and then leave if you're not allowed in/she just needs to get right back to her dc.

Don't forget her, don't ask her what you can do, just do. Does she have other children? Include them in your plans - park, trip to soft play, cafe, whatever. Don't make it a big deal, just gently invite other child and keep inviting.

When my dc was in hospital, my friends just kept on coming. I couldn't leave my dc for long, but I'll never forget my friends visiting for half an hour with gifts of food to put in the hospital microwave, a coffee, a teddy bear for my dc and be there for me to cry on.

And then be the friend that sticks around. Offer of a walk, a chat, a coffee with no offence taken if the answer is no many times, because one time there will be a yes. My dc has cancer. It's amazing the friends who stick around, and those that find it all intolerable. If you're able to be there for your friend through it all, that's the ultimate thing you can do for her.

I was in a similar position a year ago my son was in critical care for three weeks I agree the constant sad faces. And people wanting updates didn't help I didn't have the energy to answer them practical help like bringing snacks ,drinks even clean clothes would have been better
Thankfully My son did recover and I'm not trying in anyway to compare this to having a terminally ill child but if people want to help sometimes it's better just to be practical.

My friend lost her brother when we were younger. The one thing I have been able to offer her is his memory. Some people shy away from talking about him, but he was loved and deserves to be carried with us. No one she met from the point he died could ever know him, so although they can offer sympathy and support, there is something different that those who knew the person can do.

I was going to say similar....there is such a bad habit in our society that people going through awful things are somehow heroic if they are 'strong' 'brave' or 'fighters' holding it all together and soldering on through thick and thin.
They are no more heroic than the people who fall apart in absolute bits.
Often they don't even want to be seen in that way, they are just trying to get through a tough situation.

Tell her you're so so sorry this is happening, and whilst you can't imagine her pain she is in, empathise with how utterly devestating it must be and help her realise that you are always there for her.

Be there. And be there after. People
forget and move on very quickly - tell her you love her, it’s shit and you’re there for whatever she needs and ask her what she needs. Don’t cry etc as it makes her have to support you and that’s a shitty thing (not saying you have done this, I’m saying from experience to not do this)

Dont say anything. Just help. And please dont ever say “she is going to better place”.

i really hate wheb people says things like this. The best place for this child is with her family. I know people who said this means well. But its hurts so much to hear. Just dont say anything. Just help as much as you can