Sleeping in bed with Dad aged 10?

[Mangococktail]

My friend is dating a guy and I have red flags everywhere.

She is extraordinary defensive of him.

The latest is that his 10 year old daughter sleeps in his bed with him.

I'm not a parent. Child is not an only child.

Am I completely wrong to think this is not normal?

I think she's a bit upset following her parents' separation. I'm sure she absolutely has her own bed and it's her choice to feel secure.

I really didn't mean to cause offence by the question...this guy has asked my friend to remortgage her house for him, etc etc etc and I just found this another example of when she gets a partial truth...I realise I was wrong.

You're probably right about him being a red flag in some shape or form! Some friends just don't want to listen or can't see it and you can't do anything.

You don't deserve to be bashed over the question. Some people do find that bed sharing weird. In a fleeting moment I might think it's a bit weird even though I'm a mum who does the same.

OP says she is worried, sees red flags, says her friend is unusually defensive about this man, etc. I think it's ok to question an adult man sleeping with his 10 yo daughter.

I don't think you're wrong.

Christ you can’t even ask a simple question on here, can you

It's perfectly fine my 10 year old will sometimes sleep in the bed with either my husband or I if she is feeling unwell. If she had her way she would probably sleep between us every night if there was enough room ! Once a child is comfortable with it and isn't being forced I don't see the issue

I don’t find that odd to be honest .

I wouldn't think it normal, but all my DC slept in their own beds. If they had an occasional nightmare either DH or I would sit on a chair in their room until they fell asleep. It seems normal on MN for quite old children to sleep in a parents bed in real life no one I know does this.

The daughter sleeping with the father occasionally I think is fine. Now remortgaging her home for him is definitely not. I hope she doesn't put her home in jeopardy.

My youngest still sleeps with me-dp slept with one of his daughters till she was 9. You do know globally putting your child in it's own room form birth isn't the cultural norm.
There are some who's families all sleep in the same bed. There are also some children who never had a seperate bed or room growing up.
The reason why the op is being jumped on is a her tying in the ridiculous notion of a red flag over familial sleeping arrangements.
The op sounds like she's misrepresenting the situation to support her theory over her friends boyfriend.

After a particularly stressful event recently my 20yo ds spent the night in my bed. Should I be worried? Or am I just a parent offering the most basic human needs of my ds - comfort and warmth? It comes alongside feeding him and topping him up with diet coke on Maslow's needs. Really basic stuff.

A 10yo traumatized by her parent's divorce would most definitely need that same sort of support, and with no other safeguarding flags there are a lot of posters massively jumping the gun. If she goes by her own free will he must actually be doing something right as a parent - my dc would never choose to visit their dad in the night, even when tiny.

The mortgage is much more worrying than the sleeping arrangements tbh.

Assuming that she has access to her own bed and hasn’t been pressured into it then it’s fine. My step daughter was still coming into our bed at 10. But he tended to go and sleep with her in her room as I was co sleeping with our baby so there wasn’t really room.

Sorry, but that's so weird! I have a 14-year-old and there's no way she would want to sleep in the same bed as her dad let alone jump at the opportunity! Wtf?!?

I slept in my bed with 11 year old DD last Fri at her request, for some reason she finds it fun. But that's OK right because I'm female. If DH slept in bed with either of my kids, I would have zero issue with it but I would wonder what possessed him, as he would hate it.

This! My kids used to take turns getting in with me when their dad was away with work for a night or two. We all used to snuggle and watch a film then they’d take turns in going back to their own bed. It soon wore off when they got a bit bigger.

The mortgage thing is definitely a red flag though.

wtf i slept in a bed with my bed at 10! honestly people like you making things sound disgusting really make me sick.

I share the bed with my 11y/o DS still regularly (LP) at his request. I'm sure he will want to stop soon especially with puberty coming up soon. Nothing dodgy in it. Normal family behaviour. To be honest I'm looking forwards to having my own bed back!

It has never been "normal" in my life, so I'd be uncomfortable with any potential partner sharing his bed with his children other than on rare occasion on holiday or some other unavoidable reason.
I sure wouldn't want to date that person.

When we all descended at my Grandma's for Christmas, not one of the children wanted to co-sleep with the men or the older generation. Due to snoring mostly. But even in the same room I'd prefer a mattress and pillow on the floor. When little, we used to sleep on two armchairs pushed together, not inbetween adults.

My 50 yo ex was complaining a short while ago that his girlfriend's 11yo daughter climbs in the bed between them in the morning whilst he is trying to roll into the sheets in such a way that it's not apparent he's naked! I'd be disgusted and not be seen in that house ever again. Other people's lack of boundaries is not my issue to sort.

So I'm not sure I'd be too concerned (yet) OP, but it's fine to be repulsed. That instinct exists for a reason.

Yep. Her dad works offshore so she only sees him once or twice a month. Got the projector on, popcorn, watched 3 or 4 Wallace and gromit movies and snuggled up together. How fucking disgusting. My 7yo ds is never out of my bed when his dad works away and I’m only in my underwear and he SLEEPS NAKED!! I was regularly in my mums bed until I was 13. My dad is Thai and moved back to Thailand when my parents divorced. He sleeps on a mat on the living room floor with my 2 half brothers (primary age), wife, wife’s daughter and her 2 sons (one primary and one secondary). Guess what? We’ve all managed to not rape our children and each other 😂😂

Its not about rape so much as this girl will only sleep with Dad apparently and instead of building her confidence and ability to sleep alone (so she can go on school trips or to sleepovers etc and function as a normal teenager) he sees this continuing indefinitely and is being given as one of the reasons my friend can't meet his kids after six months of dating.

To me, a 10 year old unable to sleep on her own ever is unusual. I guess you folks have put me right and my family must be unusual as all five of us always slept in our own beds!

Some odd folks on this thread.

I'd be very worried about the mental health of a 20 year old male wanting to sleep in the same bed as his Mum when he gets stressed. What happened to teaching resilience? I'd talk things through with him, give him a hug, offer support and advice and possibly make him some nice food but to agree to him sleeping with you in your bed is really weird? If his MH stress issues were that bad I'd suggest going to his GP for treatment.

Yes it’s unusual in that I think yes most 10YOs do sleep in their own beds but it’s a big leap to go from unusual to ‘red flag’ and implying their must be something untoward going on. Chances are she’s a bit clingier at bedtime than is typical for her age, but that’s easily explained by the divorce and the fact that she doesn’t see Dad much.

I totally get why you’ve got a negative view of this guy though- asking your friend to remortgage her house for him when they’ve only been together 6 months and she’s yet to meet this kids 😱 Hopefully she sees sense soon and bins him off. Don’t dwell on the DD’s sleeping arrangements though.

Wouldn't be a red flag for me. Unless there were other things going on.

Yes you are completely wrong and bloody ridiculous. This is completely normal.