Do bullies ever feel remorse?

[MotherOfOlafs]

Sorry if I’ve posted this in the wrong place as it is not lighthearted.
After reading today about yet another bright beautiful young teen having taken their life after relentless bullying I wondered if at any point the children who have bullied someone to the point of no return ever feel regret or remorse? Do they even realise that their actions may have potentially caused another child’s death? Are they taking some sort of sick pleasure from it? What do their parents think? Are they ashamed?
Apologies for the stream of consciousness, I just feel such sadness about it.

"Bitchy" is a misogynist slur, frequently applied to women who dare to have spines and minds of their own.

and you have a ring leader bully who actively encourages other pupils children to ignore you,

You've conflated a deliberate, orchestrated shunning campaign, complete with lies about and harassment of the victim, with individuals not being friends with other individuals. They aren't the same thing.

everyone gets invited to birthday party but you are not invited

The last time everyone in my hobby group got invited to a wedding reception bar me, I didn't even blink. Reasons I can think of for it:

• The invitation might have been sent via Facebook, which I'm not on, so I wouldn't have seen it.
• The venue fire capacity is 150 and I was person 151 on the "people we'd like there" list.
• The bride doesn't like me enough to invite me, along with the people she works with, the lad on the till at Asda whose DD is in the same class as her DS at school, and various other acquaintance-type people.
• The bride simply forgot to send me the invitation text.

I think people overestimate their importance in other people's lives.

I'm pretty sure some do. Teenagers are very tribal and some lack empathy. I'm sure they look back and regret what they did. Someone who bullied me (more in a mocking, taking the piss kind of way rather than pure evil) has grown up to be a really lovely woman.

Before or after the Human Rights Act was passed? Because I honestly can't see how compelled socialising with someone can be compatible with Article 11.

I don't think they do. They justify it to themselves somehow, or more often, cleverly twist things to look like they're the victim. I.e., relentlessly whisper and smirk about someone behind their back (but just so they can see) then when confronted, burst into tears and say how mean you are. Oh, they are so very clever.

Maybe I'm twisted, or seen too much, but I have long been wary of your average person (there are of course living saints) who spouts peace and love/be kind to each other rather too much. Just as likely to be a narcissistic attention seeker who wants to be the centre of attraction, or an out and out psycho :)

@Kjones27 This case? https://www.mylondon.news/news/uk-world-news/woman-gets-75000-after-being-24012588

It wasn't just about one night out. Read beyond the headline. The lady is Black and had been overlooked for promotion multiple times. The tribunal found that there was a pattern of racial discrimination. It wasn't just one night out, that headline is deeply misleading.

A very close friend was a bully as a teenager after suffering awful abuse. He regrets it deeply (we have discussed it at length) and sought out the victim to apologise as an adult, with no expectation of forgiveness. He didn't go into details about the abuse, just wanted him to know that the problem was him, not the victim in case it still affected him. I believe it was well received.

He's a very empathetic and caring person who went through an awful time and that was unfortunately his way of expressing it. I think it was verbal and physical, not sexual stuff like he was sadly exposed to.

He accepts the 'why' is not his fault but is definitely remorseful that it was at another child's expense.

My mother is very far from perfect but is maybe the only person I know who admits to being part of casual bullying. She says she would never have started a campaign maliciously or done anything physical and I believe her, but would generally join in and add weight for a laugh and popularity.

She was picked on at times for being poor and wearing glasses. She went to school on as 'better' side of town and was worried about fitting in. This was simply a way to make the popular kids like her more.

She said this when her hobby group were all talking about being bullied but nobody remembers actually doing the picking-on. It's a big group.

I was quite proud of her honesty and clarity. I don't know whether she feels remorse or just accepts that she both gave and took.

I was bullied myself but had a few mean off-moments (provoked but taken further verbally) that I feel regretful of now.

I've seen "exclusion " listed in schools bullying charters as a prime example of bullying.

I'm not saying you're wrong
People should be ble to choose who they hang out with to an extent.

But leaving some one out of things is definitely listed as a method of bullying I'm schools.

Exclusion is the word they use.

I also remember when I felt the most bullied at school, was not when people insulted me, it was when a group of girls excluded me from things.

A lot of bullies grow out of it by the time they're adults. (Sadly some don't!) They either do regret it or are just oblivious.

I don't like the Nelson Muntz/ Gripper Stenson/ Imelda Davis stereotype of the bully though. In my experience, bullies tended to be popular with other pupils and teachers. Or they were often the sporty, musical and academic kids.

Several bullies have sent me friend requests on facebook. I have ignored them. Very odd.
Tjere are a few really vicious boys who probably enjoyed the bullying and orobably still congratulate themselves on it.

Sorry for typos.

People definitely don't remember being a bully.

Do we remember every thing that we did as 14 year olds.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

I think the word bitchy can be used by misgonstive type of shitty men, to describe assertive know their own minds independent intelligent women,
totally agree with you about that 💯 per cent,

it can be used to describe women who are petty and mean nasty about other women or men
Who are unpleasant nasty or mean because they are not happy about themselves or and their lives, and need to feel better about themselves by putting others down

Just like the school bully mentality
only difference they have grown up and not in the school yard

I know what i am talking cause i have experienced this and my friends have experinced this too

So yes there are bitchy women and men that are about unfortunately in this life

Just like some men can be Arseholes
Just like a few/ several or some women can be Arseholes too,

And i am saying this as a female gender too

That's just life ...

Most don't. They don't believe you, can't see it, refuse to see it.

Last year I had a message completely out of the blue from a girl who picked on me for years. She was the cause of a huge amount of misery between about 9 and 14, and although her best friend was the main instigator, she was completely involved. She sent a message apologising, saying that she really regretted her treatment of me. Having her own daughter had made her think hard about things and she wanted to reach out and say sorry. It did make a difference to me. We’ll never be friends, and I’ll probably never come across her again, but for me it drew a line under an unhappy time.

I went to a reunion... the bullies conveniently didn't remember anything...

I've been bullied twice, not as a child, but recently as an adult. By the Senco at dc primary, case was reviewed by outside agency and concluded long term systematic bullying. She denied it. Recent boss for 6 weeks in old job. Reported it. He denied it. Both said they'd done nothing wrong.

I had someone apologise to me once.

She clearly had a pretty miserable home life, and eventually was pulled out of school for reasons I don't know and not related to the bullying. A year or two later we met outside of school and she apologised.

I didn't know what to make of it to be honest. She made life miserable every day for months. She didn't have to. I was mixed up enough about it at the time that I told her it didn't matter. It did matter.

But, yes, to answer the question, sometimes there is remorse.

I just think it's a bit strange that adults expect teens to be perfect in their behaviour.

Their brains aren't even fully formed

I've seen schools with mixed sex multiple-occupant toilets for pupils aged over eight, despite them being illegal. Just because a school says that something is is right or wrong, doesn't mean that the school is correct.

I can see that excluding one pupil can be part of a pattern of bullying but I balk at describing it as bullying if excluding is the only thing the other kids do.

Let's be honest though, bullies won't just refuse speak to someone, will they? They'll spread malicious gossip, tell lies, sabotage equipment used by the target, etc.

I also remember when I felt the most bullied at school, was not when people insulted me, it was when a group of girls excluded me from things.

I recall what I'm going to call "malicious inclusion". Things like being browbeaten into buying shoes that I didn't actually like "because they were fashionable" and then having my socks mocked. I would have very happily not gone clothes shopping with those girls at all, hence malicious inclusion. They didn't want me there for my company, but for someone a bit oddball (I now know that I'm autistic, didn't then) to boss around and mock.

I would far rather just be left out than be maliciously included.

Nobody has said that.

But hitting someone doesn’t fall under being perfect does it? Or do you think it’s ok to mock someone and hit them?

There's "perfect" and there's "not groping an eight year old girl's vulva". There's "perfect" and there's "not beating someone up".

Ha this is along lines as my high school
bully. Very into yoga, navel gazing and has her own business doing healing. It’s a pity as she was badly bullied by her own mother and she addressed this eloquently on a series of YouTube videos, her healing process. The healing she practices now is total bollocks if you ask me and I thought that from the start. I stupidly made the mistake of forgiving her a few years ago which she was grateful for and told me so and wanted to meet up for coffee/lunch, her shout (I really didn’t want to do this and am pleased I didn’t go) and offer me a “free” online/phone healing session, obviously she thought I’d pay for more sessions, I could see that and it rang alarm bells with me so I declined that too.

FFW about 10 years things went well between us on FB and Instagram friends with comments and the odd message. Then I asked her about something, about 2 years ago, not hugely important but it was a networking event I was helping to arrange/organise which she was really interested in and had a time limit and this event would benefit her business. I texted her to remind her about this as otherwise her free space (I was charging others money, networking event) would go. Got a nasty Instagram text saying she’d been really busy with her important and wealthy clients, how dare I chase her and basically being bullying again to me and putting me down. I did reply trying to be polite but no, still nasty back. We both blocked and deleted each other after this exchange and I realised she’d never changed before and wouldn’t now. It’s a pity as she works as a SA for a makeup brand in a dept store in a town/city I sometimes visit as got friend who lives nearby and last Christmas when I I visited there I saw her working there, she saw me too. I had to avoid her and it was awkward. But I did tell my friend the backstory so she’s lost 2 clients in that stand at that store.

I mean yeah she expressed remorse and apologised to me, but was she sincere? Probably half and half. I still think she’s damaged so truly remorseful, no.

I was bullied in primary school by 3 girls and they had a ring leader who was the main bully. What was sad is that one of the other girls was a family friend so our parents knew eachother. Outside school (we would be invited to their house and bday parties etc) she was nice, at school she enabled the bullying and I could tell the ring leader had a hold on them. .

They calmed down near the end of primary school as a tough girl joined and was my friend - she was in foster care, she wasn’t mean but didn’t take any crap and in hindsight was scary. I had a group of solid friends by then.

Anyway at the end of primary school during the summer holiday (transitioning into secondary), the ring leader was in my area - I grew up in the 90s/00s where you played out and knew pretty much every kid. She was visiting a neighbour who happened to also be my friends. She knocked on my door and said a half hearted apology and asked if I wanted to play with her. I remember this 20+ years later!

I said no, and I haven’t seen the ring leader since. The other 2 girls went to my secondary school and didn’t bother me, but they did bully my friend later on in year 9 because of a rumour - I wasn’t in the popular group but the “ring leaders” liked me enough so no one bothered me.

I think many don’t realise they are being bullies or that they are hurting someone to that extent. It’s as if they believe the person deserves it. Maybe they think they are so cool and everyone else is beneath them.

My DD is in year 7 and she said to me on the first few weeks of school her concern was “what if I get bullied” and the only advice I could give her was hold your own, be kind enough to everyone, tell me if anyone is mean to you, and of course - don’t event be the bully.