Do bullies ever feel remorse?

[MotherOfOlafs]

Sorry if I’ve posted this in the wrong place as it is not lighthearted.
After reading today about yet another bright beautiful young teen having taken their life after relentless bullying I wondered if at any point the children who have bullied someone to the point of no return ever feel regret or remorse? Do they even realise that their actions may have potentially caused another child’s death? Are they taking some sort of sick pleasure from it? What do their parents think? Are they ashamed?
Apologies for the stream of consciousness, I just feel such sadness about it.

But do you do the same things now that you did as a teenager? We have all matured and grown.

The girls who bullied me at school knew exactly what they were doing - I find it disturbing that there are people on this thread who think that bullies don’t understand what they’re doing, almost doing it by accident 🙄

She was an adult when she bullied me. 15 years on she’s now a mental health first aider. I’d stake my house she’s still a bitch.

Oh sorry. I read your post wrong.

No worries. She’s the most toxic person I’ve ever met. She won’t have changed.

When I read about these tragic cases involving suicide I often wonder about this. I’m surprised it’s not explored more.

Not remotely the same thing of course but I wonder how those girls feel who bullied Kate Middleton at Downe House feel. If I was Kate I would track down the one who pushed her tray of lunch into her face and knock on her door and say Hi!

And unless its outright insults and harassment,

Bullying can be very subjective.

I remember being left out by a group of girls and I felt awful. They probably didn't even think about me.

Then one day a new girl joined our class.

Someone said to me much later that this girl thought that i bullied her because I left her out of things and didn't talk to her much. Now it wasn't anything obvious I played a game and included everything except her.

This girl said that when I went for a walk with my best friend, without her, I was leaving her out.

I was annoyed about that. I didn't leave her out. I didn't know her that well. And I didn't even think about her much. Yet in her mind , I was bullying her

Some bullies definitely know what they're doing, I agree.

For example the bullies who insult and torment girls.

However, leaving girls out of things, is also called bullying. I do think that sometimes people don't realise they are leaving people out.

I bumped into a girl in the pub when in my 20s who apologised for what she was like towards me at school. Here’s the thing though. I had and have no memory of any bullying from this person. She was a little madam for sure (chaotic mother and home life) but just in general. She did attack a friend of mine in high school. She must have been a nightmare to so many people that she doesn’t even know who and how many. Her younger brother was even worse. God knows what was going on at home. Nothing good.

The thing is , if you ask anyone, (nearly everyone) they will say they were bullied at school.

I was bullied at school.

If you put a load of teenagers together, where everyone is worried about their social image, teenagers are really nasty to each other.

I honestly would have preferred to be homeschooled

I think often people who bully have been treated harshly themselves, and think that's the way the world is and you have to just suck it up.

But to give the opposite side, there was a situation in my friendship group at school where person A attempted suicide and blamed person B for bullying them. Without going into details, B was a bit of a cow but wasn't bullying A from what I saw. A was treated v badly by a third person, but it seems A preferred to blame B. A also had a toxic impact on a fourth person who became very unwell. So these situations are not always straightforward.

I think we can't judge teens like we judge adults either.

They are teenagers that do this bullying. They are young children. Their brains aren't fully formed.

They are just starting to know the world, and they are put in a place with hundreds of other teenagers.

If you are referring to teens to wage aggressive campaigns on their unfortunate victim, I have to disagree.

They are not “young children” and by high school should in fact, know right from wrong in the broader sense.

Having an off moment with a peer is one thing, leaning into it and it becoming a pattern of behaviour is quite another.

There are studies which suggest that a person’s fundamental personality traits are set by age 8. A teenager who shows aggressive/psychologically cruel behaviour is likely to always be that way inclined.

But everyone was bullied at school. And people seem to think its unusual. Or that thw bullies that do it were particularly evil.

People always talk about their own bullying experience like it was so horrendous and no one else could understand.

I was badly bullied at school too. I just think that a lot of teenagers act like that.

Teens are insecure about themselves and because they are insecure, they pick on others.

I don't know how it could be changed really . Teens always seem to bully each other.

Punishments help to an extent, but it still happens everywhere.

@Kjones27

Upthread I mentioned that many adults remember being bullied at school, but very very few seem to recall being the bully.

However I do think there is a difference between the odd off moment - be it a few comments or an argument that changes direction into a physical altercation as a one off. That’s teenagers learning to be amongst peers they’ve not known since they were 4, having to learn to get along even if they don’t get along etc.

Sustained psychological or physical bullying is not something that can (or should) be written off - that is deliberate.

Teenagers are not “young children”.

Agree with some on here.
Many child bullies have bullies as parents so they see it as normal behaviour and are oblivious.
I was never bullied as a child but when I volunteered to be treasurer for the school parents group it was relentless. I could see then exactly where their kids got it from.

Yeah people always remember being bullied but never remember being the bully. Because no psychological damage is done to the bully, so they never have to think about it again.

I still get upset now over something one of my cousins said to me years ago. She was particularly cruel and nasty at the time

It was five years ago.

I still have nights sometimes where I think about it and get really upset about it.

I'm sure she never ever thinks about it.

I doubt it

Lots of the bullies I was at school with are now nurses, teachers, police officers and social workers....

It would be nice to think they've repented but I don't think they have, actually....

I don't know about remorse ,the bullies that push other kids to the limit and that kid feels the only way out is taking their own life,I hope that type feel torment for the rest of their lives.

I was horrifically bullied at school, for the entire eleven years. When I went to a school reunion one of my worst bullies came up to me and said how great it was to see me, was incredibly nice and friendly, and insisted on buying me a drink. I think it was her way of saying sorry. Another woman at the same reunion said that someone else had wanted to attend but couldn't, and she was really desperately sorry to miss the union because she'd hoped I'd be there. She wanted a message passed on to me, that she had never forgotten how horrible she'd been to "that poor, poor girl" (ie, me) and that she was truly sorry - so yes, in my experience, some bullies do feel remorse when they grow up.

On the other hand, another group at that same reunion recognised me, and said things along the lines of "Oh, look who it is! We remember you! Everyone always laughed at you! You didn't have any friends, did you?" I moved away from that group at top speed - it was most odd and disconcerting, as if they hadn't moved on at all in twenty-five years, and were right back in the playground.

(If you're all wondering why I went to a school reunion at all, it was because my best friend from school, who is still a friend, talked me into it, and was there for moral support. I'm actually glad I went, as it was interesting.)

I feel a deep shame for how I was sometimes as a child and teen, I had several moments where I was really unkind and vicious. None of it would be ‘bullying’ as my DC’s school define it now- a targeted campaign designed to hurt etc. Mostly it was one of nasty incidents/ lashings out. I’m fairly certain that one of the people would say I did bully her though- certainly she told one of the people who bullied ME at high school about an occasion I’d been horrible to her, and it was used to bully me to the point of self harm as a teen- so I’m sure that’s basically karma. I’m also sure that my high school bullies would say it wasn’t that bad/ that big a deal/ they don’t remember it, etc.

I do agree with others that high school is just the worst environment for a lot of teens to be thrown together, and I actually don’t think many people are totally ‘innocent’ of any wrongdoing in this. Friendship groups often sour, people are left out, people gossip and backstab, etc etc. Looking back as the mature adult I am now, I’m horrified. I actually don’t think that any of my friends could say they went through the whole of high school without behaving in a ‘group think’ sort of way on occasion, or sometimes doing something they know will have hurt another person- and we were the geeky crowd, goodness only knows what the popular girls were like within their clique!

I have zero empathy for the women who bullied countless others at my workplace until recently. They should have been old enough to know better. No intense social environment, hormones or developing brains to blame for that one.

Thank you for being so honest. We've all done things we regret years later.

My sister was a bully at school to her peers and at home. She saw it as fun and messing around.

I was bullied for three years , all of the girls came from rough backgrounds and undoubtedly had awful lives themselves. I don't follow anyone I'm not actually friends with on socials so no clue what they are up to but I doubt any of them achieved much in life.

Actually one girl who was a bully did end up in prison years later for killing her abusive stepfather.

So Shelly, Kelly, Lyndsey, Emma, Daniella, Cheryl . Incase you were unsure yes you made a lot of people miserable. Hope you're proud of yourselves.

I was bullied by a group of girls around 5 years older than me when I was 9 or 10. I would hide behind my garden hedge when walking my dog when they were on their way to school. Years later I spoke to the ringleader who became friends with my sister. She was adamant it wasn’t her but her friend. She’s a really nice woman now in her 50s but she was oblivious to her bullying