Perfect, well behaved children…

[Imperfecto]

Is it just excellent parenting?
My daughter’s best friend is a family of 3 daughters. All of them are bright, well mannered superstars. They always get awards, picked to be the star of the show, win every competition, most house points in their class etc.
The mum always looks good too, never stresses, never see her shouting to get her kids to come when it’s time to go. I just don’t understand it, are they aliens? How are they all so perfect? If you have perfect kids/know a family like this - how?? I think it might be too late for my feral bunch but I’m so intrigued.

My friend is like this with her daughter. Single mum, top career, immaculate house, perfect child. She admits to hat she’s at her absolute limit mentally & physically in order to maintain this lifestyle. But she’s always been like this, just now with a kid too. I’m more of a mess (and so is my child).

Puffalicious -I think you got yours the harder way round! After number one it’s a wonder we had more but by the youngest we were just agog at our luck. Kept waiting for it to break but he is still delightfully accomplished in loveliness and everything else.

Lol. People might have thought this about dd when she was younger. The truth is, I wouldn't ever have been organised or disciplined enough to be that kind of parent, even if I had wanted to be.

These days, I would say that dd is more cooperative than compliant... she has a mind of her own and isn't afraid to assert her opinions but manages to do so in an ultra-reasonable manner. And I'm thankful for it as I worried when she was little that she might grow into a terrible people-pleaser!

It's a fluke. DP's child is a star, adults universally love him, teachers can't say enough good about him, he's caring, kind, funny sport, relatively academic considering a late August baby.
I've always said it's a good job we never managed to have a kid, you would never get one like that again

I think a lot of it is luck, but good parenting helps (obviously)

DD1 is perfectly behaved. Does as she's told, does well at school, always well behaved etc. DD2 is more cocky, has a cheekier side but still behaves well most of the time. She definitely needs more input though and we've parented them the same so I'd say a lot of it is genetic.

The things that I do think have helped though are:

DH and I are very calm. We don't shout at each other and we're actually pretty laid back.....we don't sweat the small stuff.

However, when we say something, we mean it. So if we say there will be a consequence we follow that through. SIL used to say inane things like "stop that or I'll take you home" she never would have though, I think children learn to ignore you if you make empty threats.

They are told how much we love them every day. They're quite secure in that sense, they know we love them and are proud of them.

We've never not taken them somewhere because they're kids. There is no other way to model how to behave in certain situations. So they go to church, eat in restaurants etc.

We always try to explain "why" we have a rule in place rather than it just being because we say so.

Things aren’t always what they seem. People say similar things about me and my children which is utterly baffling because it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m not calm and serene, I’m actually on edge all the time, and my angelic-seeming children are often absolute terrors 🤣

Honestly I have identical twins, one of them is really well behaved, wouldn’t harm a fly, listens, is so kind and sweet. The other can be well behaved and very sweet, but also often ends up fighting his siblings, having tantrums, will not sit still etc…probably wouldn’t be described as well behaved by anyone that knows him well enough. These children have been parented the same. So my theory is it’s down to the child’s personality more than the parenting!

Some children are shy so conform and don't put themselves forward in public.
Some children are very responsive to emotional feedback from those round about them and eager to please. Not always helpful traits as they grow into adulthood.
Some are genuinely laid-back.
Some are good at playing the game.
Some are just delightful through and through.

Personally I don't think it is the worst thing in the world for kids to push against boundaries and learn that they are there, even if it's embarrassing for the parents. Confidence, tenacity, strong will and a degree of sheer bloody-mindedness can be difficult traits to parent but can come into their own as children develop into independent adults.

Of course, some children are just nightmares 😅. Most, at least some of the time.

My parents are absolute angels in school- every teacher adores them, they get on with everyone, never any drama, nursery were asking me to have more kids because mine are great.

At home they're crazy don't listen to a word I say, always fighting, do nothing for me haha.

I do think that parents with really well behaved children I've known are really firm and calm and it makes the child secure I think.

My DD is apparently well behaved according to most. Always has been. But I’d say most of it is down to personality. She has also spent lots of time with adults as an only. I think being able to communicate with adults might have a role to play maybe - not sure.

I agree with most that put it down to luck and also always following through with what you say. Something my DD said to me when she was comparing some of her friends parents, she has one particular friend that is quite rude to her mum (I’m not saying your children are) but she said her mum lets her get away with everything and doesn’t actually do what she says.

Ive never restricted my DD. When it’s come to education I e placed it as important but have also spent so much time understanding her learning style (aka school of YouTube and singing along to silly songs over AQA text books in primary). We have open convos. Yes sometimes she has her moments - she can be real stroppy.

I was also a pretty well behaved child but mine came from a fear as opposed to building respect.

Every child is different. I don’t know if the same would apply if I had more than 1 as my guess is that it’s a mix of personality and parenting style and if the 2 go together.

TBF I was a very people-pleasing child too, so I wouldn't think it about one child. It's a particular way where multiple children are very carefully compliant and rehearsedly polite that I'm unnerved by it.

I think it's mostly luck and genetics to be honest. All 5 of my children were far better behaved than I was as a child and especially as a teenager 😂 but I think they're just more like my husband who was very well behaved!

I think you're right! We were lulled into a false sense of security 🤣. DS2 was an angel until about 2, then it was...tricky! He's 17 now & is adorable but drives me up the wall. Growing up with a perfect brother can't have been/ isn't easy, though. We mitigate that constantly, but I know he'll feel it.

I was the angel child, but was youngest of 5, so noone felt that pressure.

DS3 has ASN, and our lives are upside down- the swings & roundabouts of life!

I think having an angelic big brother would be tough. Mine do recognise that their brother has made it easy for them and they include him effortlessly. He has made us all a bit intolerant of other people’s children though as they just seem a bit er childish. Our DS1 has asd and was very violent to us all and everyone for years. Happily he outgrew his inability to regulate.

I was an only and was a good young child and a wild teen. Still amazed mine aren’t more rebellious.

The families I know like this tend to be well-resourced, not in all areas but often in least one of time, money, skill or support, so they have the capacity to put effort in where they think uts needed.

They have high standards, not in terms of lofty ambitions but in a deep-seated assumption that some things that other people might consider impressive in a child are in fact perfectly normal bog standard behaviours.

They also follow the children s lead to a certain extent, giving them lots of opportunities to find out things they are good at end enjoy and then them a lot of support to progress in those things.

I know a family who were all very athletic. One of their children had no interest whatsoever in running around and physical exertion, but really enjoyed tinkering around making little machines. They assumed that there was a sport out there for him, and he ended up doing archery at a high level

@itsgettingweird my teen DD is also perfectly behaved and autistic.

It was like she was born middle-aged, no interest in running around or getting messy or breaking any rules. She chooses to dress in quite a grown up way too, she sees no point in trends and fads or social media. She's a fantastic companion though (providing she's had enough time to recharge).

I have an angelic child, it's just luck.

I make sure to often speak to my children rather than berate them. I consider myself a gentle parent. My eldest has big meltdowns due to SEN. But all we do (and trust me we’ve spent years trying thousands of things) but the one thing that worked was tightly hugging (gentle restraining) and lots of ‘it’s ok, we love you. It’s ok. We love you, we know you’re not doing this on purpose. We don’t blame you. You can’t help it. Don’t worry we love you’

she saw a therapist for a while who suggested all of this to us and it’s changed our world around.

the other thing I’ve noticed with kids is how the parents behave and how they react with other people. We have psychiatrists in our family and it’s a nurtured behaviour. As in they watch how the parents react to others and how they treat each other.

hate is taught.

I do want to add we are not the perfect parents at all but I’ve always been so open with my children. I’ve always made sure they can speak to me about any subject from war to sex….my mum was like that and it brought me great trust and reassurance and it was one of the best things growing up so I made sure to carry that on.

I thought the Phillipa Perry book was awful. She was so smug about her single kid. I had four within 5 1/2 years and even with a similarly privilidged household there was no way her self indulgent navel-gazing 'parenting' would fly.

@WhizzWoman I do agree it's probably only manageable if you have one child. She I think has released a second book with a chapter on siblings but I don't think it would be very easy to follow her advice if you have 4.

But generally, the general theory of relating to your children as people is not a bad one in my opinion.

I think it is largely genetics.
I was a quiet, caring and well behaved child while my sister was very challenging and wild.
Her child is now an adult and was always calm and well behaved. As an adult, she is sensible and hard working with a lovely group of friends. Yet she experienced a very challenging and unstable child hood for many reasons.

My children are still children and both are extremely challenging in the home in different ways, although this is rarely displayed in public or school. Conversely, they have had a stable and loving family life, with calm and considered, and extremely loving and nurturing parenting.

Just one of those things.

I decided not to read it after reading an interview with her (to plug the book) where her suggestion for dealing with a toddler who was sat on the pavement refusing to walk was to sit down on the pavement next to them, looking at the plants together. Thus speaks, I thought, a woman with one child and a flexible job.

3 dc. They've all been treated the same, but different personalities.

If I drew a line when they were small and told them not to go over it.
#1 would have not gone anywhere near the line in case they accidentally went over it.
#2 would have stood on the line to see if it was worth going over it, but at any rate would have wanted to make sure she'd gone as close to getting over it without actually doing it.
#3 would have run as hard as they could over the line to see how far they could get.

If I'd had them in reverse order then I'd have thought my parenting was getting better.

If I'd had them in reverse order then I'd have thought my parenting was getting better.

😂😂 I love this. I’m stealing it!