Perfect, well behaved children…

[Imperfecto]

Is it just excellent parenting?
My daughter’s best friend is a family of 3 daughters. All of them are bright, well mannered superstars. They always get awards, picked to be the star of the show, win every competition, most house points in their class etc.
The mum always looks good too, never stresses, never see her shouting to get her kids to come when it’s time to go. I just don’t understand it, are they aliens? How are they all so perfect? If you have perfect kids/know a family like this - how?? I think it might be too late for my feral bunch but I’m so intrigued.

I'd imagine they are very, very strict and that's why. The kids don't want to face the consequences of going out of line.

Mine both have their moments and more so youngest aged 4. She can just go off on one (mainly if she's tiered). Generally they are fairly well behaved but absolutely not like you describe. I'm not strict enough, give in too much and I don't always follow through with consequences.

We only have the one but she’s an absolute delight.
I think it’s a combination of luck and high standards. DD is very easy going personality wise but we also have quite high expectations and try to model good behaviour consistently.

I am well aware she may turn at any point though. I’m not that smug!

My kids are very well behaved at school and work hard, win prizes etc. DH and I were the same, academic high achievers. But they aren't perfect (although it has to be said they are generally pretty good teenagers) and we do argue and I do shout (I have never been described as 'easy going', DH and I are both driven and hard working).

I think it's partly genetics, partly a good diet and exercise, and partly luck.

When I was younger me and my sister were probably seen as “perfect children” for all the reasons you listed but it was for a sinister reason.

We were terrified of our mother!

Any school grade less than a B was not tolerated and so we knew it was get a B or above or face her wrath.

We knew that if we put a foot out of place in public places then we’d be in for it when we got home.

She used to gloat about what well behaved and clever children she had, and try and put us “on show’ to other parents and families members as examples of perfect parenting, when in fact it was all very sinister ☹️

I was one of three "Oh The Z Girls" in public/school

Absolute shit show behind closed doors

Luck, SEN and a reasonable attempt at good parenting.
I have one of each. 2yr gap so no great difference in now I parented them.

I was a very well behaved, 'easy', high achieving kid. In early adulthood I realised I was mostly trying to please / impress my parents so they would show some love and attention, though even when I achieved A's my dad would just ask why they weren't A*s. I stopped trying so hard mid-university and felt much better for it. Perfect is not always best.

My 4 Dc are well behaved (so far). 3 doing very well at school, 1 struggling but always told he has a brilliant attitude, well behaved etc. I don’t beat them, they don’t lack imagination neither do I. We have boundaries, consequences, we do stuff, they do stuff, we talk. I do shout sometimes, try not to sweat the small stuff. I used to follow a mantra of feed them, exercise them & stimulate them when young and still kind of do. I wasn’t an angel growing up, & had potential to do lots but never quite fulfilled it, same with DH I have few expectations of my kids, just want them to do something they love, have some fun and happiness in life.

I agree with this. I think it’s important for children to experience different situations so they can learn the appropriate behaviour for that environment. I had friends who would not attend (for example) church services as they assumed their child would not sit still in church. But they didn't take them to church so the children never learned the appropriate behaviour for that environment. Restaurants and cafes are another good example. Important to take children to them to learn the appropriate behaviour and etiquette. Art galleries and museums, too.

I was that child. I definitely wasn't beaten into submission but I was very naturally anxious, eager to please and desperate for praise. I was a very high-achieving child and young adult (I was a bit scatty, but everyone sort of indulged this as a sign of how very bright I was, rather than recognising that I was actually struggling quite a lot). I then had essentially a breakdown in my 20s and have spent years rebuilding myself, including by teaching myself that it's sometimes OK to relax and even to fail.

To prove it wasn't parenting: my brother was a total hell-raiser and failed all his exams. He went into a trade, has always been a much more balanced and grounded person than me and so I don't think it's clear which of us was the more successful in the long run.

Complete luck in my opinion. I have two that could not be more different despite the same upbringing. Although neither are saintly

Similar here, but eldest of 3:

Smile on his face every waking moment; genuis level clever; so kind, thoughtful & caring; funny; sporty; plays an instrument; talented at art; loves his siblings; handsome; cool. And was always SO well behaved.

His 2 brothers...let's not talk about them. I'm run ragged!

Sheer luck of genetic combination.

I was a "perfect child" my "D"M was very into punishments for me putting even a toe out of line. She would never have been seen shouting at me in public but in private she was nasty beyond belief.

DS (14) is that perfect child. I think we’re just lucky mostly but I think inept having one child makes it easier and also having firm but fair boundaries. He’s never grumpy (except when completing Sparx homework 🙈), he cooks all our meals for us by choice, he always insists on carrying things for me, he’s at a fab grammar school and he has literally mapped out his life to retirement (obviously things might not work out the way he wants but it’s good that he thinks about these things!) and he has a fab weekend job. We always got compliments about him when he was little and we still do but for different reasons.

My 3 siblings and I were like this, we always got compliments wherever we went especially as there were so many of us. DH on the other hand was apparently and absolute nightmare which I can believe 😂.

I am definitely not a perfectly turned out mother though!

Mine is exactly the same!

It's just luck.

I am anything but a perfect parent but my dd was - and still is - about as close to perfect as any child could get. She isn't perfect, of course, but she has relatively few weaknesses and a lot of serious strengths. Always behaved impeccably. Charms everyone that she meets. Incredibly polite, thoughtful and kind. Exceptional work ethic and drive. Ridiculously academic and talented in other areas. Super sociable and confident. And generally very positive and happy. She has always seemed to get picked for every award and leadership role going, and get given lots of extra opportunities to develop and shine. People just warm to her for some reason.

I appreciate that all of this sounds like a ridiculous boast but it genuinely isn't because I don't believe that it has anything to do with me. And I am also pretty sure that I'm not just seeing dd through rose-tinted parental spectacles because other people are constantly telling me how exceptional she is - if anything, I am perhaps one of the few people who sees her flaws, like her chronically untidy bedroom! The truth is, I have no idea why she is like she is, we just got lucky.

She has been loved unconditionally and supported enthusiastically, like most kids hopefully are, but I'm actually a very average parent - probably a bit lazier and more chaotic than most tbh (adhd!) - and I certainly don't have any special secrets to impart. I honestly believe that she was just born the way she is.

I am very grateful because she makes me look like an absolute parenting queen, and I'm aware that loads of random people have given me lots of credit over the years that I definitely don't deserve. In fact, I often think it's very fortunate that secondary infertility meant that we were unable to have any more children... we'd never have got so lucky the second time round and we'd have been exposed as the very average parents that we really are!

My DC present as beautifully well behaved, they get win behaviour awards at school all the time and I am forever being told by all the adults around them how wonderfully polite and kind they are…..

At home they are feral.

I don’t know why they behave so well in public, we don’t beat them that’s for sure. My DD is a total control freak and has to do better than everyone so I think maybe she behaves the best to ‘win’ if that makes sense. My DS lives in a world of his own and I think people mistake his calmness and flakiness as good behaviour (a lot of his friends are more energetic and always play fighting etc, DS isn’t like this but winds his sister up no end at home).

Just the luck of the draw I think.

I also am not perfect but need to look presentable for work so I probably do always appear put together but I don’t feel like it!

Oh was always told how help my son was, what a charmer, how delightful. Yea right. At school maybe, certainly not at home.
You see the public face. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

You should speak to her. I’ve often viewed parents from afar and thought ‘how on earth are your kids like that, when my 3 year old is here eating his boogers?”. Then when I speak to them at parties/play dates and ask them how they do it all, they certainly have their struggles and are likely comparing themselves to other parents too.

My Mums main rule was - we could misbehave (within reason) at home, but the second we walked out that door, we were to be well-mannered and listen to everything she said, first time! She also never shouted at us in public, just squeezed our hands and gave us the ‘look’.

I’ve got a 13 year old that’s a very easy child. Never had a single tantrum when he was little. I only have 1 though so I can’t be certain whether it’s luck or parenting. I’m firm but fair. Stick to my word and not a shouter. He’s been very socialised as I was a single parent but he loved going off to Aunties, Grandparents and friends. It was like he was always getting the best of people because he was never anywhere for too long. I also used a child minder instead of a nursery right up until school age as I don’t believe that large groups of kids same age with same needs is good for kids. Id drop him off at the childminder and he’d be playing with the baby and a few kids his age and then come back and he’d be playing cricket with a 12year old in the garden. Very varied and family structured and he loved it. Also spent a lot of time with adults 1-1 so always seemed calmer and could hold a good conversation without getting distracted.
Always gets picked for everything my Teachers etc. If I were to put his name in trip or something with supposedly limited spaces I can pretty much guarantee he gets a place! He’s either the luckiest kid alive or the Teachers fix it (I would if I were a teacher!) Whether it’s luck or he was born that way I’m eternally grateful!

I think it’s just a snapshot that you are seeing, because nobody is perfect all the time. My children get regularly complimented from others for being well behaved, articulate, trying their best, being kind, sociable, well adjusted etc. They also torment each other, are a bit untidy, have teenage strops and have a habit of leaving chocolate biscuit wrappers stuffed in random places. It’s all ok, I pick my battles carefully. Over the years we’ve tried to take an approach of raising the future adult and trying to encourage confidence and positivity, a bit of self discipline and thoughtfulness, fairly high standards all round but loads of respect both ways and relaxing down time. I think they feel listened to and loved. I should have done lots differently probably, but they are doing well and happy.

Mine are angels in public and we always get comments on how wonderfully polite/angelic they are.
Behind closed doors is a totally different scene though. They don't listen to a word we say, are constantly fighting each other and not accepting boundaries. Some days they're lovely and others I find myself screaming into a pillow.

It's partly the child's personality and I think down to parenting. My 3 year old isn't perfect but I'm complimented on his behaviour all the time. I don't shout.

Personality which can be genetic. If she is laid back and genuinely kind and compassionate and hard-working perhaps her DC are too? Partly through good modelling partly through genes.

I don't think there's such a thing as perfect parenting.

I do agree that too-compliant, too-perfect children are unnerving and make me think the parents have some insanely controlling, strict regime going on behind closed doors and the parents bully the children into submission.

My 8 year old son is sickeningly lovely. He is bright, level headed, funny, charming, well mannered, very affectionate, lovable etc etc.

My 11 year old nephew on the other hand is a nightmare. A bit of a character......

However, it has nothing to do with my parenting or my sisters. It is just the way they are.