How to call out someone who uses autism as an excuse for shitty behaviour?

[Higgeldypickeldy]

I have a family member who is female, 40s, single. Very very judgemental while blowing her own trumpet constantly, self centred, only talks about herself, bossy and controlling over my DC. Desperate to have an issue, e.g if you have a headache her headache will be ten times worse, blames everyone and everything for her woes in life without taking responsibility for her own actions and outcomes. After a particularly horrible day with her recently we pulled her up on something in a very minor way which has since blown out of all proportion and made to be all our fault. She is now saying all her shitty behaviour is due to her being autistic and that we dont understand her. I think she is definitely on the spectrum but feel she is using this to excuse and legitimise her shitty behaviour. But how do i challenge that without looking like an arsehole?

He especially won't use Amazon. It holds particular fear for him. He won't have online banking of any sort. He doesn't use a phone.

The absolutely only way to get him to buy a gift is to suggest that it might be nice to go and buy sister Rosie a present for her birthday at the weekend, that it would mean a lot to her. Then mention it again the night before. Then hope that on the day he is feeling resilient enough to go out, (he spent 3 years in bed after a breakdown in his late teens, so going out is a big deal) go to just the one shop and support him in making the choice. He will then pay.

8 times out of 10 this sequence breaks down and somewhere along the line he doesn't manage it. Without me facilitating, it would never happen.

Does he love his sister Rosie? Yes.
Is he being a twat? No.
Might Rosie think he is? Probably, yes. Whereas the reality is, that on the occasions he does manage to buy something, he has really worked very hard indeed to overcome his anxieties. Getting a present from DS takes the same effort from him as it would take me to run a half marathon (I am not fit!).

Does she have a medical diagnosis? I would be much less tolerant if she hasn't and not put up with poor behaviour. Also, she's not a child any more and should be able to manage her poor behaviour, more troubling is the support from MIL and not being called out by her for being horrible.
I am so sorry.

^^ this

Thanks everyone for sensible comments and advice. I realise it could sound like I'm uneducated or unaware of autistic behaviours but I guess you just have to take my word for it when I say I know this individual well, have done for many years and I truly believe she is blaming behaviours that she absolutely is capable of changing on autism because it suits her. The MIL is probably actually the bigger problem. I think we've been very tolerant and understanding to his sisters behaviour for years and the one time we tried to push back a bit (in a very non confrontational way) we've been given the cold shoulder for 2 months.

It's frustrating I guess that the conversations feel very one sided, especially with the MIL who can't seem to understand our experience at all. I can understand that from her POV as a mother wanting to protect her daughter but on the other hand she has seemed very quick to damage her relationship with her son.

She doesn't have a medical diagnosis.

@Higgeldypickeldy I think deep down, your mil does know she is being unreasonable but her fear for her daughter is taking top place.

She probably knows that if she did not stick up or even stick to her daughters side, her daughter will possibly have no one due to her behaviour, autism or not.
I have had this, not with autism, but with a sibling with weaker aspirations etc. My mother in particular would make excuses as to why the sibling could not do certain things or just was downright self centred/ rude.
It used to irk me alot but I have, over the years, realised it is not my issue/ problem.

Sooner or later, they will come to realise (mil and sil) that they are doing themselves no favours.
In the mean time, go low contact and do not pull them up on it, let them play out their dramas. They will eventually see the light.
Be kind to yourself and take care of your own family.

Trust me, you will be happier that you would be trying to justify your each and every move, no matter how plain as day it is that your are trying to cause no harm. They will always find something in the way you say or do things.

I think this is very tricky because although she may be capable of changing the behaviours it can be very difficult to actually achieve this with someone with autism.

I note you said she does not have a medical diagnosis but I'm going to assume for the moment that she is autistic. I'm aware the NHS wait at the moment is years.

I have worked with people with autism who were training to be teachers. It is very very hard to get them to adjust their behaviour so that they can work with a class because the responses that are natural to non-autistic people are not, and have to be taught.

So you have to, for example, explicitly teach how to talk. What exact words to say. Create a flow diagram for if the children react in X way ir Y way.

So. She probably could change it, but I suspect the path is not as easy as you think.

I'm with you bar your last sentence. Look up ARFID.

At current time, society doesn't meet us halfway.

My Audhd can be like this. All the things you describe are autistic traits.

She has lots of minor issues including severe headaches. When she has them she’s on edge and tense.

She’s also lovely. I think you are talking about autistic traits rather than personality.

Why bother challenging her? Then you're being the same. Just don't give any attention to drama and redirect or end conversations when you don't like the route they're going.

Autistic people can be a bit more direct and this is not seen as rude to us. Waffly-not saying what you mean NTs are seen as rude as they expect you to guess what they mean and get all upset when you can't interpret hints.

However, we can also be fucking rude as well... In my case mainly triggered by ex H. ... so it depends on where on the scale she is. The NT British standards are not universal. Different societies have different ways of communicating.

(Disclaimer: NRTFT)

Example, we might say, "I'm kicking you out as I need to....) when asking a person to leave after a visit and appreciate it when someone tells us that. Waffly hints might not be picked up and can cause distress when you realise that you might have overstayed your welcome because the host was not clear.

I don't agree with the "I can do what I like because I am autistic" attitude but also don't agree that the ND person should try and pretend to be NT as that is not healthy for them and won't blood work anyway.

I have saved your post to my Saved list because you explain rejection sensitivity and its causes so well. Thank you.

Waffly hints might not be picked up

Waffly hints, yes. My boss had to tell me off for rubbing someone up (figuratively, I'm not a masseuse) the wrong way and it honestly took me a solid three minutes to understand that he was trying to tell me that I'd upset someone because he kept sort of hinting in different ways instead of just saying it.

I think that’s harsh. I also have an autistic adult child who is very ‘forthright’. He was offered a drink at my dear aunt’s house and replied “No, I won’t eat or drink anything here because your house is filthy and stinks of dogs”.

My aunt was in tears, but to him he’d just spoken the truth. I had to have a long talk to him about the truth sometimes being rude and hurtful. I wouldn’t just not challenge that kind of behaviour just because he’s got autism. People with autism don’t automatically pick up social rules like NT people, but they can still be taught them.

I'm autistic (diagnosed as an adult, but everyone responded with 'well duh' so I think it was right)!

I am sometimes a dick, intentionally. I am also sometimes a dick, unintentionally, and this will probably be in part due to my different brain.

OP, it sounds like you think your SIL is using her brain as an excuse. I can believe that, as my autistic DS does it sometimes as a reason for being rude to me. I don't let him do that - I am sure that it is something he can learn to soften, at least. So I'm on your side I think. It sounds tough.

The advice then being given to the OP is to politely disengage and not see this person again.

But is that a good outcome for the autistic person either? That they end up without relationships?

I don’t really understand what the issue is? It’s not your job or even in your power to challenge and change your SILs behaviour or your MILs. Why can’t you just visit and just respond appropriately in the moment to SILs comments if that’s what the issue is. How is her behaviour “autistic behaviour” if she doesn’t have that dx?

You don't have to tolerate shitty behaviour from anyone and it may not be a matter of calling them out, but distancing yourself from them. I have a family member who claims that his 'autism' explains why he sexually abused his child, because apparently he doesn't understand social cues and normal social boundaries, though he seems to mostly understand them just fine in his professional life and lots of other places that don't tolerate abusive behaviour. I don't have anything to do with him anymore or anyone else in the family who has gone around spouting this 'but it's his autism!' nonsense. It's not. It's just he's a terrible person who wanted to abuse his child.

As pp have said, just distance as much as you can. I had a friend who has told people that her nastiness to me and refusal to apologise for it was because of her having some sort of MH crisis. I've known a lot of people who have had far worse MH than she does and can still apologise for actions they are doing or have done in the past. We all know when something isn't sitting right and you can simply draw a line and remove yourself.

I have a family member who claims that his 'autism' explains why he sexually abused his child, because apparently he doesn't understand social cues and normal social boundaries,

He can understand perfectly fucking well that incest is illegal and so is fiddling kids!

This isn't autism, this is male entitlement and male perversion, typical male pattern sexual offending.

The worst thing is that he has harmed his child. He has also harmed every autistic child and adult by claiming that autism can make someone a sex offender.

Is he in jail? I really hope so.

If you're wanting a different style of communication with your ASD family member you should probably explore how it manifests in females. It's complex and very isolating as the core issue is language and communication differences and it's unlikely her presentation will change. Help is available through speech and language sites and FB pages which publish a huge amount free resources which can be helpful but that's a big commitment for family members to support the person with. Maybe you don't get on, that's up to you, there's no law that says you need to tolerate poor treatment on the grounds of ASD.