Please help me feel less shit about my appearance. Feeling genuinely really low about it

[Aperolol]

Hi,

I already have this running in S&B, but thought I'd bung it here too for traffic.

So I've got the 4 0 coming up very shortly and whereas I know that's not old, I'm doing that typical 'oh, I'm fine with it...it's actually quite liberating' to "what?!How am I 40?! 😱'

I've always felt I looked OK. Have always had hang ups, don't get me wrong, but I scrubbed up well and got plenty of compliments. Now, I just feel like no amount of 'scrubbing' helps. It's all happened so quickly. That's how it feels anyway. My skin is really starting to sag and I'm getting my family jowls, my under eyes look awful - dark and hollow...but sometimes puffy too. My hair used to be long, thick and glossy, now it's thin on top, with a matronly hairline and candy floss textured. Oh and I've developed loads of greys too over the past couple of years.

Been away with DP for the night and normally I'd really enjoy getting all dressed up, but once I had finished last night, I just looked in the mirror and thought 'well that was a waste of time' and also 'where did I go?!' I know that's very cliche, but that's where I am and I was close to tears.

I often find myself close to tears about it actually. I feel invisible now and I didn't think people felt that way at this age. Actually I'd go as far as to say I feel quite ugly. I keep looking into treatments and potions to help me feel better about myself, but I would hate to look too 'done'. I have a Foreo Bear, but that's as invasive as I've been and tbh, I don't see any difference.

Not really sure why I'm posting this. Just wanted to get it out I suppose. Dp thinks I'm being overly self critical, but let's be honest, they're hardly going to say they see where I'm coming from, are they? 😳

Is this a common feeling at this age?

No I didn’t feel like this at your age, I remember being late 30’s and really getting into regular hair appointments and a good skin care regime. Then late 40’s I started fillers for my lower face and botox at 50 for my eyes and forehead.
Have you thought about fillers for your jowls? I used to have them and didn’t like that I always looked a bit grumpy even when I was feeling really happy.
How about your clothes, could you buy a few fab outfits so you always have something nice to wear?

I felt like you when my hair started thinning due to menopause.

I think there are two different areas to this...

One is that no one is going to not -age, the famous stars and people who are on social media are not just full of fillers and major procedures but also using filters etc. So you cannot compare yourself to these people.

The other side is that you can do things to help yourself feel or look younger. Personally, I think hair is a big bit of this. Grey hair or white hair is fine if it is thick and strong, but my hair is very thing and my scalp shows a bit. So I have always dyed it dark and I think it makes me feel better.

Clothes also help, find the colours that work with your skin tone, find make up you like and use it when you want to.

The fact your hubby loves you as you are is great but looking nice, just for yourself is a choice you can make, if you wish to.

Good luck.

https://bestlifeonline.com/look-younger-after-40/

Don't be hard on yourself op.

Is there something specific that you could pin point you're not happy with and address that?

For me it was a whole list in my late 30's and I still haven't got to the bottom of it but once I started I definitely started to feel a bit different. Don't get me wrong, it peaks and troughs which I think is normal but once I started doing things that helped me resolve things some of it didn't seem to matter.

My big things were regular haircuts and found a style I liked and suited, skin care routine, I did/do have routine treatments now which make a huge difference to me personally, regular eyebrow wax and tint, drinking more water and getting a grip of eating too many calories (I'm never going to be less than a 12/14 but I had def got complacent.

Sorry for the ramble but I suppose I'm just saying, find something and take action on it.

I agree with @FinallyFeb. I booked a decent hairdresser for a consultation, a good cut and colour (if you want to cover the greys) made me feel better, otherwise embrace the greys. Decent skincare can make a world of a difference too and I chose to get fillers/botox, that along with a healthy diet and losing a stone in weight made me feel much better. I can only speak for myself, but years of bringing up children and not putting myself first took a while to get used to! My hair got thicker after the menopause, I’m not sure if that’s normal or not but it’s just as thick as when I was in my 20s. You’re still you @Aperolol just an older and better version

I hear you op, but I’ve just turned 49. I remember my mum telling me she started to feel invisible when she went out at around my age now and I didn’t understand but I do now.
I tell myself that you can’t stop time!! My hair is good albeit more grey which I try and cover. My skin isn’t too bad but my neck is more saggy that it has ever been before and the odd bristly hat that appears on my top lip or chin is a delight!
I find that most of my friends actually feel this way, getting together for a chat really helps me to feel better about myself, like I’m not the only one who feels like this!
My partner is lovely. Still tells me he fancies me!

There is a part of me that feels more comfortable in who I am now than before.
I think you have to get in the right mindset. You can’t stop the clock, just do the best with what you’ve got!! Good haircut, skincare and find your style.

I felt awful at 40. I had a second child 3 weeks before my birthday. I didn't have the time for any beauty routine. I wore jeans all the time and was the most unstylish I have ever been. I am usually a great fan of beautifying myself...

I was very aware that my fertile years were ending and my hormones were very disrupted.

I am now 57 and I feel like a different person. I have the time to exercise and look after myself. I wear lovely clothes and like my reflection in the mirror.

Honestly, it isn't all downwards from 40.

Thanks for all your replies. Some lovely, positive words. I really need to hear them, as I know I'm not being very kind to myself.

@Beautifulsunflowers I would really love to find my style. I think I'm stuck in a rut and never felt the need to find it before. I always made an effort, but my goodness youth really is wasted on the young. I always used to worry about things like my nose being slightly too large, bum being too small, hair too thick (too thick ! 😲) but now I look back and think I was crazy not to see the positives when I was all full of collagen 😭

Maybe there is a way to embrace this new found invisibility.

Apparently older women can get away with a lot more - how can you rebel? What can you get away with? If you're Harry Potter under the invisibility cloak what would you do?

Also invisible to who? If to men that's just one group. This is the time for friends, family, causes...there are many people to whom you definitely WONT be invisible!

If it helps, people of all ages seem to avoid eye contact and look down at their phones so I think a lot of people feel this sense of being looked through.

I turned 40 last year and I have had the same feelings too. I did a few little things - I joined a gym for the first time (and actually go), I highlighted my hair, I started having caci facials and using more targeted potions and lotions. All of these have made that little bit of difference to my confidence. I j6st kept thinking - how can I be 40 - I just don't feel grown up enough really!! I thought I might have an air of gravitas by now but actually I've just got crows feet!!

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like this. You seem very low and my initial reaction is to suggest you might benefit from seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist. Sometimes really examining our negative feelings can help put them in perspective. Other things you might look at are pay attention to your diet, lots of fruit and veg, oily fish, wholegrains. Drink lots of water and very little alcohol. Hang out with older women because they are brilliant and very reassuring that life can be great as you age. Find an exercise that you enjoy and keep doing it. It's nice if you can combine this with socialising - maybe do it with a friend. The beauty treatment side of things depends how much you are prepared to spend. Maybe set a budget and have a chat with a hairdresser and beauty therapist about what they would recommend.

What on earth is a foreo bear… but anyway.

I personally don’t think it’s normal to feel this down.

Are you eating well, exercising? There’s lots of time to improve your fitness before summer hits and you can treat yourself to some new clothes. Treat yourself to a colour /cut, get your nails done? Always wear spf, drink water. Perhaps you need to change your skin care/ make up. You need to feel comfortable in your own skin.
I think I would nip to the G.P for a blood test regarding your thinning hair, you may be lacking in something that could be easily rectified.

Is it possible you could be slightly peri and that it’s affecting your moods?

@emmzi I've actually struggled with my mental health most of my life and I have seen several therapists. I've had CBT 3 times, but I've not found it that helpful. You're right that it starts internally though. I've always had quite a downer on myself, so this is just another layer of self loathing I guess.

@RickyGervaislovesdogs it's a hand held microcurrent device, which is supposed to sculp and lift the face.

I agree, this isn't normal. Not to this degree anyway. I'm actually eating much better than I was. Saying that, I've always had a pretty good diet overall, but am getting lots much more organic veg in and am drinking more water (usually). I drink alcohol at the weekends, which tbf I should probably cut right down on, if not out altogether. I actually do have iron deficiency and can't seem to get my ferritin above 25, so I'm pretty sure that's where the hair loss is coming from. I do take iron (without caffeine and usually alongside vit c) but my body clearly just isn't absorbing it well. It was as low as 7 at one stage though, so it's an improvement. Yes, I suspect I am peri, but as I said, I'm kind of used to having quite a low mood and high anxiety, so that part isn't particularly new.

OK, slightly off topic here, but I'm going to say something that I think is important -

Do not go on and on, or on at all, to your DP about how ugly you are, or how old you look, or how saggy you are, or whatever.

Moan to your friends, and Mumsnet, to whoever else. But I always feel that moaning to my other half only makes them focus on my perceived imperfections as well. Plus it puts them in the awkward position of having to constantly reassure you.

Just my penn'orth.

Sorry to hear this. I think your doctor should be your first port of call. Do you eat red meat? That would probably be the easiest way to get iron in a form that's easy for your body to absorb. But definitely go to the doctor and also do nice things for yourself (if you like beauty treatments then a facial might boost your mood as well as possibly making you feel a bit better about your looks)

Ahhh on the fereo bear!

You need to get some prescription only iron tablets, get your ferritin back up. No amount of meat will help if you have problems absorbing the vitamins and there could be something underlying.

Perhaps you also need some medication like citralopram or similar if you’ve suffered from low mood for awhile. I’d ask for a full blood count and go from there.

I was going to come on to say I felt exactly the same when I turned 40 and for most of the years since and I'm now 46. I thought it was totally normal and that everyone felt like that?

FWIW I was all over the healthy eating, exercise, health weight etc.

But the whole cut and colour thing is a misnoma when you feel crap about yourself and chuck it into a messy bun as soon as you leave the shop!

I did find I needed to shave my neck and chin a lot more, I tried threading but it was too expensive so I now use face razors every few days (I sound delightful don't I?!)

I would recommend getting HRT at the first available opportunity the MOMENT you notice any peri symptoms. I left it too long, if you already have MH struggles peri will possibly exacerbate them.

I am going to keep an eye on this thread as I am genuinely surprised that others felt positive about being 40, I might learn something useful!

Good luck op.

Oh and re:DH, no I don't think they have a clue. Mine hasn't paid me a compliment about how I look since our 2nd date 22yrs ago 😂

I'm 57 and have never felt miserable about my appearance or ageing. I think it was a combination of parents who emphasised academic achievement and didn't place any value on personal appearance apart from being clean and appropriately dressed and 1980s feminism which also challenged judging women on their looks. I'm not saying I have perfect mental health. I've had a rocky time in the world of work where I couldn't meet my high expectations of myself. I've just never seen looks as anything to do with my personal worth. It is a really interesting thread I agree.

I've spent years in the workplace saying to my husband that I'm not taken seriously because I look so young and now I'm moaning about looking old...he jokingly told me to make my mind up!!

Have a facial and spa day. Get some new makeup, talk to your hairdresser or even go to a new one. Take up some new hobbies, make a few new friends.

@emmzi I really admire that. Looking back, there was a lot of focus and often negative talk regarding women and their looks in my house, growing up. My nan was the worst for this actually. She would look my mum up and down when we visited her and give her a 'weight review' - "You've put weight on, it doesn't suit you" (with a sympathetic smile) or "Oh! You've slimmed a bit haven't you!" My mum would always be annoyed, but laugh it off. She didn't/doesn't realise that whereas she doesn't go that far, she's also very negative and very focused on a woman's appearance. My dad is the same actually, so I guess we don't need Sherlock here!

Firstly, I think go to a good hairdresser and discuss cut and style for thinning hair. They will have seen loads of people with the same problem.

I am 64. My hair was not obviously thinning but I realised my pony tail was not as thick as it once was. My problem was brittle hair which snapped off and went like a rat's nest. I could never condition it enough! I decided to go for a shortish cut. The hairdresser was clearly a bit dubious about cutting much off my hair. It was quite long. Instead I got a kind of bob style longer at the front.

It was a revelation!

No more snagged hair breaking off and more importantly I now use a 2 in 1 shampoo/condition instead of shampoo than creamy conditioner and serum and oil and no longer having to cut out tangles that even a tangle teazer cannot cope with!

My hair has a mind of its own. My fringe is supposed to slope to the side but every morning it defies me by parting in the middle. My hair also has waves and kinks. However, I am well happy with it.

I am not too bad looking in my 60's. Never smoked so don't look craggy. Yes there are lines around my eyes but these are laughter lines and I have earned them. I am fat so have a round face which I guess plumps it all out!!

I do like make up especially eye make up or my eyes disappear. I particularly like a smoky eye as you don't have to be too professional. I am not good at eyeliner but do what I can!

Dye your hair if you want to. One of my friends doesn't as hers look lovely. It is white and straight. She doesn't wash it too frequently whereas now mine is shorter I have the problem of oily scalp, dry brittle ends!

Usually quite good about skin care but I can be lazy.

Exercise? You will never see me in a gym but I am trying to walk a bit more. Never run as I am very very clumsy and will fall.

I have started to buy fewer clothes with a bit more quality than Primark but I am happiest in leggings for work.

So basically what I am saying is sort your hair out first. That will give you a real boost. Try and use decent skin care - believe me you do not have to spend £££. I bought Revelations magic cream dupe and it is gorgeous at around £9.

Wear make up if you wish. Most of my friends do not but I love it!

Then decide what sort of clothes you want to wear or go to a store that has a stylist (you won't be forced to buy).

OP I see where you're coming from and have had moments like this (I'm late 40s). It's shallow in the extreme but when you have been able to think "at least I look ok" when things are going otherwise badly for any reason, it's a bit of a comedown when you don't feel that way any more.

I follow some older women on IG (again, yes all very shallow) who look amazing and also strong, fit and toned which I am trying to emulate at the gym (ironically the word toned just auto corrected to tired which says it all!)

Also I have lost a lot of female relatives who died in their 50s and 60s and I keep reminding myself that ageing is a privilege.

Be kind to yourself, I bet you look great.

Wow! Unpicking this might be useful! If you don't feel counselling would help have you tried writing about it? By the way, I really like the way you write. You seem very thoughtful. I feel like you've got everything in you to move to a much better mindset. Having said that, low iron is going to leave you feeling very low and lacking in energy so maybe another doctor's visit would be first on your to do list.

Compassion focused therapy can be great for negative self talk. Paul Gilbert and Kristen Neff are big names CFT so could Google their websites. It's changed my outlook on myself and life.