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Original poster

Ex husband problems

61 replies

BeBlueSwan · 03/03/2024 14:34

Hello. Myself and my ex husband have an 11 y/o child. My child has been offered a high school place which I am happy with. Child dad not happy. Only wants him to go to the school he visited. He never viewed the school we were offered despite the last 2 yrs I told him when the open evenings were. He's demanding I "get him in that school" over texts . He's only doing this as he wants his own way. He knew the school we were offered were on the list of schools that were applied for. Thr school offered us a good school and i thought it was more suited to pur child. I've got to see him in 2 hours as I need to pick my child up. I've been an anxious mess ever since this started and I keep shaking. I dnt really know what I'm expecting posting on here I guess just some advice or support. I just don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Woodentu · 03/03/2024 14:36

Suggest he sorts it all out himself and lets you know when he has the offer of a place. Meanwhile hang onto the place you have.

fruity81 · 03/03/2024 14:38

what was agreed at the time of applying?

Who is RP?

fruity81 · 03/03/2024 14:39

where does your daughter want to go?

are you and he local to each other?

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Relationship problems
Original poster
BeBlueSwan · 03/03/2024 14:43

Sorry what is RP? Child lives with me and registered living with me. Goes to primary school near our home. His dad only sees him weekends. He knew what schools were on the list when I applied but he only took the time to view 1. The school he wants him to go to did not feel suited at all for my child and I have heard more negatives than good. school admissions is pot luck and you don't always get any you have submitted a preference. I feel very intimidated by him and I know I worry too much but he is clearly doing this as he hasn't got his own way as ita not the 1st time he's been like this. I've pretty much cried on and off all weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeBlueSwan · 03/03/2024 14:46

fruity81 · 03/03/2024 14:39

where does your daughter want to go?

are you and he local to each other?

No we live on different sides of manchester. But with schools are local to me.
Child only remembered viewing grammar whixh he loved but unfortunately didn't pass the exam. The school his dad wants him to go can is quite sports focused ....my child isn't into sports 1 little bit.

OP posts:
fruity81 · 03/03/2024 14:49

is the school he wants his child to go to private?

SharedAccountWithMySister · 03/03/2024 14:49

Which school does your child want to go to?

Minikievs · 03/03/2024 14:50

RP is resident parent, which you are.
Sorry, if his dad only has DC at weekends, he does no school runs? And the school you've applied to and for a place for is local to you?
Then stick with what you've got. 💯.
If it's any consolation, I used to get terrible anxiety discussing things with my abusive ExH. I now grey rock anything unless it's to do with the children's specific needs, eg what time us pick up etc. I appreciate this discussion is to do with schooling but from the information you've given, you've made the best choice for your child. Keep that in your mind and politely repeat "this is the best option for DC"
The anxiety in dealing with them does get better as time goes on, I promise

TwylaSands · 03/03/2024 14:51

He was allocated x by the council. This is in child’s best interest.
im not prepared to discuss this any further.

Original poster
BeBlueSwan · 03/03/2024 14:54

fruity81 · 03/03/2024 14:49

is the school he wants his child to go to private?

No

OP posts:
Original poster
BeBlueSwan · 03/03/2024 14:55

TwylaSands · 03/03/2024 14:51

He was allocated x by the council. This is in child’s best interest.
im not prepared to discuss this any further.

I tried this but he's continuing

OP posts:
Original poster
BeBlueSwan · 03/03/2024 14:58

Minikievs · 03/03/2024 14:50

RP is resident parent, which you are.
Sorry, if his dad only has DC at weekends, he does no school runs? And the school you've applied to and for a place for is local to you?
Then stick with what you've got. 💯.
If it's any consolation, I used to get terrible anxiety discussing things with my abusive ExH. I now grey rock anything unless it's to do with the children's specific needs, eg what time us pick up etc. I appreciate this discussion is to do with schooling but from the information you've given, you've made the best choice for your child. Keep that in your mind and politely repeat "this is the best option for DC"
The anxiety in dealing with them does get better as time goes on, I promise

He only does a school run on the Fridays he is due to have child for the weekend and it's only pick up.
We've got on better recently but he was awful when we separated 9 years ago. But now I feel I've gone back in time things. When he doesn't get his own way it's like he the wants to punish me by using our child and I'm scared he'll do it again. He knows how he makes me feel whixh is why he tries to intimidate me thinking I'll just give in.

OP posts:
fruity81 · 03/03/2024 14:58

Why don’t you just nod and smile

Your child has been allocated the school closest to him with availability presumably

far too late in the day to be changing

Unless… why your son has been there this weekends he’s confided in his father that he would prefer another school?

which school is where his friends are going?

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 03/03/2024 15:02

You've got this.

grey rock.
"we visited the schools and you didn't, we are happy with the choice".
repeat, repeat, repeat.

accept the school you have been offered.

if he disagrees he can take you to court. Where he will be laughed at. He hasn't visited any of the other choices and he sees his son only at the weekend.

Woodentu · 03/03/2024 15:02

The other option is to say yes of course you will apply. Then just leave it. As you say, it isn't about the school, it is about controlling you.
I suggest you contact women's aid and do the freedom programme. Search online for Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that". You will find both very helpful and empowering.

Original poster
BeBlueSwan · 03/03/2024 15:02

fruity81 · 03/03/2024 14:58

Why don’t you just nod and smile

Your child has been allocated the school closest to him with availability presumably

far too late in the day to be changing

Unless… why your son has been there this weekends he’s confided in his father that he would prefer another school?

which school is where his friends are going?

The school we have been offered is closer to his primary so he is likely to have friends there. We dnt live close to primary anymore so it's a bit of a trek on the school run. The school tjat ex wants him to go is closer to my home but no children from his primary will go as its way out if their catchment as they all live near primary. But the school we have been offered seemed better suited. Child doesn't really remember the schools but he did say he doesn't like sports so doesn't really want to go to sports school. But his dad won't see it like that. Honestly I'm so anxious about picking him up soon. I just want to Bury my head but I really want my son home. I'm nit strong enough for thus anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeBlueSwan · 03/03/2024 15:05

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 03/03/2024 15:02

You've got this.

grey rock.
"we visited the schools and you didn't, we are happy with the choice".
repeat, repeat, repeat.

accept the school you have been offered.

if he disagrees he can take you to court. Where he will be laughed at. He hasn't visited any of the other choices and he sees his son only at the weekend.

I've already accepted it. Honestly the way he's written some of his texts to me it's like he can tell me what to do. I've never hated someone so much in my life.

OP posts:
Woodentu · 03/03/2024 15:09

Can you get anyone else to do the pick up/drop off going forward? Some women in this kind of situation manage to do this. Then you don't have to be in his presence. I am so sorry you are enduring this.

veggie50 · 03/03/2024 15:11

I wouldn't engage him on the subject. It's his job to make the change if he insist on having his way but without your consent he can't change the school placement, that's why he's putting pressure on (bullying) you. Let him talk all he wants. What you need to do now is to ignore him, politely if possible.

Original poster
BeBlueSwan · 03/03/2024 15:11

Woodentu · 03/03/2024 15:09

Can you get anyone else to do the pick up/drop off going forward? Some women in this kind of situation manage to do this. Then you don't have to be in his presence. I am so sorry you are enduring this.

Not really. It's a 50 mile round trip to his dad's and back and on a Sunday evening so I wouldn't want to put that on anyone. My partner doesn't drive so he can't. I feel like giving up.

OP posts:
fruity81 · 03/03/2024 15:13

have you very recently moved OP?

Original poster
BeBlueSwan · 03/03/2024 15:14

fruity81 · 03/03/2024 15:13

have you very recently moved OP?

No. We've lived in this house for 5 years. And b4 that we weren't too far away. In the same Borough.

OP posts:
ZeroFucksGivenToday · 03/03/2024 15:15

You don't need to give up. You've got this.

you've accepted the school.

pick him up, then when back home, message him and say you're happy with the school and won't be discussing further. Then do just that.

Woodentu · 03/03/2024 15:15

You will get through this. In a year or two your child can refuse to visit him, which he may do given that he is such a bully. Or, DS will be old enough to travel and communicate independently.

If you feel safer just to smile and say you will apply to the other school just do that. Then later you can reassure your DS that the chances are it is too late. You can't possibly stop to chat as long drive home etc.

TwylaSands · 03/03/2024 15:17

BeBlueSwan · 03/03/2024 14:55

I tried this but he's continuing

Show quote history

Then dont respond. Can someone else collect your child?