Help me show compassion to this colleague

[Inchimoocha]

I work very closely with a colleague in a very small team. We will be working together for another few months before I will be reshuffled elsewhere.

Colleague is sweet but has a lot of mental health problems which impact on her ability to perform the role. I'm not going to give specifics but she is consistently dropping the ball. Management is aware and I have told them that if colleague drops the ball, I'm not picking it up as I have my own workload. When we started working together I tried very hard to take her under my wing and made a big effort to be compassionate, even if it meant me taking on her work.

I've stopped because it was very, very stressful. I know I will be moving on to another team in a few months but need some help to deal with some of the emotions I feel when colleague is not undertaking her tasks adequately. I've stopped reminding her as I have my own work to concentrate on and, for my own mental health, have had to step back. In the past I was polite and direct but it made no difference so I've stopped explaining things as we both have the same level of experience in the field. I've had to completely shut off from caring about her side of things.

I'm not sure how management is dealing with this or planning to deal with it, as its not my problem. My colleague is underperforming and I'm not, so will leave it at that. However, whilst I do feel very frustrated at times, I still want to treat colleague with kindness. Our time working together will be over soon and I want to know that I treated her with respect, while still maintaining my own boundaries.

When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I do make efforts to leave the working environment for a few minutes, to give us both a little space. I also use a lot of polite greyrock techniques so I don't get drawn into any conversations which I feel would trigger my annoyance. Colleague seems very emotionally fragile and I would rather just concentrate on my own performance and not get drawn into anything.

Just to clarify, i tried very hard to support colleague at the beginning. Things would improve for a while and then go back to how they were.

Management is aware but I just need some tips on how to manage the last few months while maintaining my own dignity and professionalism.

Sounds like you are doing a well balanced job of keeping professional and being polite.

it’s up to her manager to send her on training courses for the issues that are concerning

as for forgetting stuff there are techniques to learn to remember- phone alarms writing stuff down - again her manager should be dealing with this

you can only go so far as asking if she has asked for training, or courses to help. Only though if the bring something up - it’s not for you to start that conversation, only end it

Noise cancelling headphones and working frome home lots? Your post does read a bit odd, what behaviour are you worried about subjecting her to? Have you wanted to shout at, belittle or bully her? If so maybe just remind yourself not to be a dick? You don't need compassion not to be awful.

Can't work from home. We both work on the same project so the ball dropping impacts me. It is frequent and can be infuriating. We work very closely. I am a very calm, level headed person and find myself getting very angry about these things. It's not about being a dick @Hillrunning . I am a human and don't see what is odd about wanting to maintain a calm atmosphere when I'm feeling very annoyed about repeated underperformance which impacts on a project that I am part of. Surely the fact that I'm trying hard to keep the peace indicates that its more than me just not being a dick.

Management needs to set up some systems to deal with the excess work. You are finding it difficult to show compassion to your colleague because you feel pressured to fill in for your colleagues work short falls, plus be a shoulder for her to lean on, plus manage your manager’s response (or lack of it), plus take care of your own life. You can’t reasonably do this for any length of time.
Put your focus clearly on what management has to do to stop her poor performance impacting your role, don’t let them wriggle out of it, it is their responsibility. That should free up some head space for you to respond with compassion instead of fatigue. I applaud you for trying to find a positive solution for everyone.

You sound like you've been doing great - is is the cumulative effect on you that's making you worry that you won't continue to do so? I get that.

I think ramping up how well resourced you are is the best advice I can give you. You can't pour from an empty cup and all that.

My ability to cope and be compassionate is directly related to;

• Having enough sleep
• Doing enjoyable things in my own time.
• Being creative, eg having a craft hobby. I appreciate that isn't something everybody wants, but spending time doing hobbies is up there for most people.
• spending sufficient time when I don't have to be "on" with people (introverting alone in my case)
• eating well - lots of veg, balanced meals, easy on the chocolate and alcohol.
• spending time in nature
• enjoyable exercise.
• having good boundaries.

Thank you so much. It has been very stressful for me as I do have my own life, family and issues and only ever wanted to help. In the end, my help made no difference except deplete me. I have actually lost a lot of weight over the past while, and a lot of it had to do with the mental impact of trying to be there for someone in addition to my own family responsibilities. Im glad I did though, as I know I did my best, but it's a very challenging situation which I'm trying to navigate while maintaining my own standards.

Sounds like a difficult situation. It’s not fair of your management to leave this in a difficult place for so long.

I agree that working on your own emotional capacity by looking after yourself outside of work is probably the most effective thing to do.

The techniques you’re using in work sound good. Do you report on what you’ve done? I wonder about something like a weekly summary to your manager setting out what you’ve done, to help assure you that your work will be recognised even if the project as a whole is suffering.

Thank you for these. I have a very young family and my cup is always precariously 'just about' full enough to give to everyone what they deserve. I don't have time for hobbies and I get enough sleep to function. My husband is in the same boat: we work similar hours and split everything in the home. We are figuring out ways to outsource some of our family responsibilities to free us up more. Hubby doesn't have this issue and works quite autonomously.

The situation has had a big impact on my own health and I always try to help others as much as I can. I had an episode a few months ago where I lost my temper with colleague (she made a big mistake and by that point, i was at the end of myself and ended up being signed off on stress for a short time soon after). I apologised to her and went straight to management to fess up and they were shocked as its completely out of character for me. I started to feel like I was changing into a different person and I didn't recognise myself. I even had some private counselling to help me deal with what was happening.

I have stepped waaaay back from the situation and things are much, much better but I just need to hang on a little longer.

Yes, I report back. Management all know that my work is fine and acknowledge my situation. I can't give details but management have their own limitations which I am.aware of and can't comment on here.

Really brave of you to raise this issue in a post in such a thoughtful way. It's an issue I am seeing increasing in the workplace and I think many people are finding it awkward getting the balance right. Also As a manager situations like this are so hard to navigate how do you look after the individual but at the same time not create problems on projects or for other team members. Businesses are businesses at the end of the day as well....and we are all being asked to do more with less and struggling with mental weight of col.

You seem like you are doing well but just make sure leadership know how you feel.

First of all, well done 👏 .
Mental health is huge these days and management would have potentially known when they hired the colleague and should have a plan in place and or a mentor for her.

A reminder to management that you are NOT mental health trained and do not want to make the colleague worse by saying or doing something that triggers her.

We all have a duty of care and you are doing / feeling and thinking yours amazingly.

But it down to management's to have the plan in place for this employee and have extra reviews on what's working well and what isn't working what and how they can improve that etc etc

I don't really have any advice but I am in a similar situation with a colleague. My manager isn't managing (and I've told him this). The colleague in my case can also be aggressive and disruptive, additionally they lie especially when they think they might be wrong. They have diagnosed and declared mental health issues and I'm very sympathetic of that.

I try to help, on top of my own work I also check in with them regularly, have given them a whiteboard to use for their daily to do list, asked what would help (colour coding was the answer) so colour coded things (same errors made as before colour coding), reminded them of deadlines/times etc etc.

Colleague is also very sensitive to rejection (or what they perceive as rejection so I spend time explaining what other people meant).

I takes up a lot of my time and headspace but I don't want to see them struggle but it does get wearing even though i know they can't help it.

We work in a very regulated job and this colleague is just not suited to it. They'd be excellent in a lot of roles, just not this one.

I reached breaking point the other day over what is essentially a minor point (it involved lying, I spoke to my manager. He did nothing, I spoke to colleague they said it was a mistake but then didn't rectify meaning that they got paid for work they didn't do).

I've applied for another job, I'll be sad to leave my current job but I can't stay with this person here. We are a small team (6 of us) and the impact this person has had on everyone/the team since they started a year ago massive.

You have my sympathy.

Thank you. I actually really care about one of my managers as we have known eachother for years and I know she also wants to get the balance right, between being kind and fair, and to do everything in a way which is fair to all parties. We are all answerable to the profit-making top bosses who have their own priorities too. It's a very tough one. I feel like I've learned a lot about myself in this period and really am trying to see this as a learning curve. But sometimes I get so close to losing my temper again. I've actually lost my temper twice over he past 6 months and have been quite snappy at times but in a way that it just came out of my mouth without my prior consent!

For context, the last time I lost temper before this was in 2014 when I was pregnant and very hormonal (shocked my husband!). Before that was with a very demanding friend during my A levels in 1999! I just want to show that I'm normally not like this!

Oh my. Mybears filled with tears reading this, just in pure empathy! My colleague isn't aggressive but I relate to so much. Trying so hard and then reaching breaking point. I felt like leaving too but I love the company and the role. It has a lot of perks that I would lose and I just don't want to go. But I totally, totally understand why you would!!!! Hugs xxx

Maybe this is a bit sexist, but I wonder what a man would do in this scenario.

It sounds like you have absorbed all of this person's stressors and worked yourself into a frazzle trying to be kind and compassionate.

It does sound like there is a bit of a vacuum where management is meant to be, and I agree the best thing you can do is grey rock as much as possible, but I'd be flagging it all to them because no one should be in a role if they are consistently unable to perform and overly emotional all the time.

I wonder if some of your discomfort is because in order for you to survive mentally you have had to effectively detach from this person. it doesn't fit into your self beliefs of being a "nice" person, but you've tried that and it just took you down with her.

Maybe try taking a step back and acknowledge your reactions. I'm notoriously bad at anything approaching conflict which isn't great in the role I'm in, but over the past 6 months i've tried to view my reactions with a bit of detachment and it helps to keep me more on keel.

It's so tough and hard to know how to deal with it.

Colleague has difficulty with mornings (we have flexi) but offers to do stuff at 8am then is late or forgets. Then is annoyed that someone else has done the task by the time they appear.

I've explained that, while everyone understands that the timekeeping is not their fault, if you commit to doing something then forget/turn up late it's very irritating plus we always have to have someone on standby in they don't appear. I've said that it would be less stressful around if they put themselves down for afternoon tasks and left the morning tasks for those of us who start early anyway. That all seems fine until they then say that they are being discriminated against by not being included in the morning tasks. They don't seem to understand that no one is discriminating if its them that doesn't turn up!

For a while things like this settle down then the same cycle starts again.

To put it as kindly as possible, you are stressing far too much about something that isn't really your problem. Your management needs to deal with this

@rookiemere oh my gosh.

I wonder if some of your discomfort is because in order for you to survive mentally you have had to effectively detach from this person. it doesn't fit into your self beliefs of being a "nice" person, but you've tried that and it just took you down with her.

This is exactly what the therapist said. Thing is, I always considered emotional intelligence to be one of my strengths. I admit i secretly thought that other colleagues who expressed annoyance towards my colleague in the past just weren't patient or kind enough. Oh how I have been humbled! The therapist said that "being nice" was always my strategy in all types of relationships before and now its not working. So we did a lot of work on the whole concept of being nice. I've had to stop "being nice" to protect myself and have learned that my feelings are actually important too and my role in life isn't just to make things easy for everyone at the expense of my own mental health. I have had to learn to sit with that and accept it. In saying that, I do still want to maintain my own integrity in the process.

What would a man do? Well, several times I've said to my husband that I was just going to tell it to her straight (very unlike me too!) and he has suggested that things will actually become unbearable if I do that, so just be polite and get through the next few months.

I think the "be kind" narrative being pushed ( especially to women) is damaging, yes don't be unkind but no need to put your colleagues welfare before your own. I would separate your work as much as possible with you having your area and hers her area if possible. Sounds like your management are failing in their responsibilities to both of you.

Oh gosh, this is just exhausting.

@Inchimoocha it sounds like you are learning the same lesson I'm going through but luckily for you - a lot earlier in your career.

I've always managed tricky people by out nicing them, and usually it worked, but over the past year I've been put ( unpaid) into a more senior role that I didn't want where it's more political and people give you less leeway. It was tearing me apart as I also wanted to be the great manager I have always been to my team. But over the course of the period I have learned a bit of detachment and I do feel better and stronger for it. I've also as a new year's resolution stopped saying sorry - bit of an eye opener for me that one.

Agree with the be kind narrative being a synonym for 'don't have boundaries'. Am learning that sometimes, being kind isn't actually the right thing. I've struggled with the cognitive dissonance of suppressing my human emotion and shoving the annoyance down. But you're right in that it's not my problem, not really.

I wish I had some words of wisdom but I am in a very similar situation, except I have been working with this woman for several years, with no end in sight. It's hard to describe but I work on my own stuff but within a team of five all working on the same projects. This woman has been having mental health issues since she passed her probation in 2019 and is basically incompetent and unreliable. She takes huge chunks of the year off sick and when she does work she often has to go home with stress or a headache. We never know what she is doing and if she picks up a task it is very rarely completed, or if she does complete it we just know it will need rectifying at some point.

I have been back and forth to management and HR numerous times and they are fully aware she is underperforming but I gather that she is protected by law due to the mental health issues. They keep saying to just ignore it and focus on my own work, and I wish I could but some days it's literally all I can think about.

I can't tell you how much I desperately don't want to work with this woman anymore. Her mental health is protected but mine (and a other two of the team's) mental health is literally in the toilet due to this issue. She ruins every working day for me. I'm a perfectionist and this isn't the service I want the team to provide to clients. Also it's so draining and I don't want to deal with issues of colleagues. I come to work just to work, I have my own busy life and just want everyone to do their bit but I am spending every day with a knot in my stomach, and also had to work until 2am a couple of nights last week as colleague didn't do some key urgent tasks needed before month end.

Just keep strong and at least there is an end in sight!

Agreed.

OP, why haven’t management taken any disciplinary measures, if this colleague is incompetent, and this has been known to them for a long time?

Thank you. I actually really care about one of my managers as we have known eachother for years and I know she also wants to get the balance right, between being kind and fair, and to do everything in a way which is fair to all parties

It sounds like you are struggling OP and even when you’ve highlighted all that’s happening managers are not doing enough.

‘Getting the balance right’ is not working for you! As much as you like your boss there has to be support.
I would be clear and say ‘When ‘Jane’ does this it makes me feel / has this impact on me please can you put in place some measures to prevent this having an impact on me.’

Make it about you - you are entitled to feel as you do and still have empathy for your colleague.