Best jokes?!

[Teasie123]

What is Ur best joke? Ur go-to joke, the one that when times are down, when the world seems wrong, that joke will make all right.
This is mine. Bear with me, it's a long one, but worth it!!

These 3 men died. Upon heaven,an angel says,'
Ok, depending on how faithful I were to Ur other half, decides what type of car you get issued.'
First man goes. He says, ' I was the best husband. Never looked at anyone else, never even thought about anyone else.'...
'Okay', says the angel., ,'U get a Ferrari '
Second man says, ' I cheated on my wife only the once. ..'
Angel says,'Ok, here's a Ford Fiesta.'
Third man says,' I cheated on my wife at least once a month! I loved women and they loved me....I couldn't keep my hands to myself and I was a filanderer.'
Angel says, Ok, U get a mini.'
Man driving the mini sees the man who got the Ferrari crying his eyes out..
He says to him, ' what are you yapping about!?
Uve got the best car I've seen!!'
The man replies, ' Aye, but sure,ci just seen my wife driving past on a skateboard!?'

Mine are crap, sorry. 😂

Knock Knock.
Who's there.
Boo
Boo Who.
Don't cry it's only me.

They've been through some terrible shit them, you know.
My arse cheeks.

In church one day ,the vicar says to the curate " is that Fanny Green on the front row"?
The curate replies " no, it's just the way the light shines through the stained glass window"

Class!!?I love that!!!🤣🤣🤣

A priest offered to teach a nun to play golf. He went through the basics with her, and then they set off to play a round. He assured her that it was a difficult game and she mustn't feel bad if she didn't do well at first. However, it turned out she was a natural, whereas he was having an off day.

The nun teed off and made a lovely shot. The priest praised her effort, offered her some tips, and prepared to demonstrate the correct technique. He swung and missed the ball altogether. "God damn it, I missed!" he exclaimed.

The nun was shocked. "Father, you mustn't take the Lord's name in vain! He will strike you down! It's only a game." The priest grumbled and pulled himself together and had another go. Unfortunately, he again missed the ball.

"God damn it, I missed!!"

"Father, calm yourself! You mustn't take the Lord's name in vain. He will strike you down!" The priest remained angry and made a third attempt which was worse than the first two. "God damn it, I missed!!!" he said, then let loose with a long string of even worse profanities.

The nun was aghast. Huge thunderclouds gathered and obscured the sun. A powerful rumbling was heard. The clouds parted and a thunderbolt shot down from on high... striking the nun dead.

From the heavens a mighty voice was heard to exclaim, "GOD DAMN IT, I MISSED!!!"

Man goes up to a woman in a bar and says "I need a double entendre".

So she gives him one..

See also eats, shoots and leaves.

OP is not funny even after correcting spelling mistakes 😕

I thought it was quite funny! Thanks, OP.

Brilliant!((🤣🤣🤣😅😅😅

Why did the baker have brown hands?
He needed a poo

@Thiswayorthatway , Ur missing the point. It's for fun!! Not a degree!!🙄🙄🙄

Duty solicitor goes to visit two of his clients in police cells. He's horrified to discover that one had swallowed a battery and the other one had swallowed a firework.

So they charged one, and let the other one off ...

Why did Tigger put his head down the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

I like l cheese jokes.

What cheese should you use to disguise a small horse?
Marscapone

What cheese should you use to lure a bear our if a tree.
Camembert.

What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.

Etc.

@SerafinasGoose , lmao 🤣🤣

How do you titillate an ocelot?

Oscillate it's tits a lot!

😂😂😂😂

@SquirrelsAssemble , , Every body loves a bit of cheddar!🤗🤗🤗

My favourite Christmas joke...

What is Good King Wenceslas favourite kind of pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even!

Duck walks into a bar. He says to the bartender 'got any bread?'

'No', says the bartender, 'we're a pub, we don't sell bread. Can I get you a beer?'

Duck responds: 'got any bread?'

The bartender, beginning to look a little pissed off: 'I've just told you mate, we don't sell it. Maybe you'd like some crisps?'

Duck says: 'got any bread?'

Bartender (now exasperated): 'if you say that one more time, I'll nail your beak to the bar!'

Duck replies: 'got any nails?'

Bartender: 'NOOO!'

Duck: 'Got any bread?'

I'll get me coat ...

Okay @SquirrelsAssemble , did you hear about the French lorry bringing imported cheese which overturned on the M25?

Luckily no one was hurt, but what a mess! Da brie was everywhere.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was out standing in his field.

I've just rehomed a dog. He used to belong to a locksmith. The moment I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

Do you feel better after posting that? What was the point? Could you really not just scroll on?

(Disclaimer: this one doesn't really work without the actions, but when told live it made me guffaw).

It's the war. An English soldier and a German solider are on lookout on opposite sides of a river. Both are staring at each other through their binoculars. The English solider decides he may as well try to communicate with the German. So he holds his arms out to one side, like an aeroplane flying, and shouts: 'are you in the air force?'

German says nothing, just stands staring through his little binoculars.

Englishman decides to try again. He makes swimming movements with his arms. 'Are you in the navy?'

German stands, silently starting at him through his binoculars as before.

Englishman decides these can't be right, and decides to make one further attempt. He makes a gesture, like packing a rifle up against his shoulder. 'Are you in the army?'

The German throws his arms up in the air, flings his binoculars into a nearby bush, and runs pell mell back to his HQ.

Englishman shugs, thinking the German must be off his nut; in the meantime the German arrives back with his comrades, panting and terrified. His commandant raps out a sharp command: 'you are meant to be on lookout by the river!'

'I can't, I can't!', gasps the German, 'there's a crazy Englishman staring at me from the other side! He says at a quarter to three he's going to swim across the river and fuck me silly.'