Best jokes?!

[Teasie123]

What is Ur best joke? Ur go-to joke, the one that when times are down, when the world seems wrong, that joke will make all right.
This is mine. Bear with me, it's a long one, but worth it!!

These 3 men died. Upon heaven,an angel says,'
Ok, depending on how faithful I were to Ur other half, decides what type of car you get issued.'
First man goes. He says, ' I was the best husband. Never looked at anyone else, never even thought about anyone else.'...
'Okay', says the angel., ,'U get a Ferrari '
Second man says, ' I cheated on my wife only the once. ..'
Angel says,'Ok, here's a Ford Fiesta.'
Third man says,' I cheated on my wife at least once a month! I loved women and they loved me....I couldn't keep my hands to myself and I was a filanderer.'
Angel says, Ok, U get a mini.'
Man driving the mini sees the man who got the Ferrari crying his eyes out..
He says to him, ' what are you yapping about!?
Uve got the best car I've seen!!'
The man replies, ' Aye, but sure,ci just seen my wife driving past on a skateboard!?'

A bartender is at work in a pub opposite a hospital.

A patient walks in with his hospital gown, wheeling his drip on a frame next to him.
Barman : 'Evening mate, what can I get you'?
Patient : '2 pints of Guiness, pint of cider, couple of whisky chasers and a glass of wine please.
The barman puts the first drink down and by the time the second one's served, the first one's been polished off. This goes on until the patient is on the last one.
Patient : 'I really shouldn't have had all that should I?'
Barman : 'Why, what's wrong with you?'
Patient : 'I've only got £2.50 on me'

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky.
The barman says "That's funny, there's a whisky named after you" and the horse says "There's a whisky called Derrick?"

Q.How do you win over a chocolate lover?
A. Keep some Twix up your sleeve.

Man and a flamingo walk into a bar. The man orders two drinks, pays, and they each drink their drinks. The barman comes back: "Same again?"
"Yes," answers the flamingo, "and he's paying. I'll have some crisps as well."
The pair drink up, the flamingo finishes the crisps, barman comes back again.
"Same again, please," says the man, but the flamingo interrupts:
"I'll have a bottle of your finest champagne, a large steak with all the sides and I shall wish to see your dessert menu. He's ..."
"I know," sighs the man, getting out his wallet: "I'm paying."

The barman leans over to the man. "It's none of my business," he says, "but I can't help wondering ..."
"It's OK," the man says, "I'm used to it. See, I was shipwrecked on a small island. I managed for food, water and shelter but I was there on my own for years. I was desperate for company and, I won't lie, for sex. There's only so much you can do with a banana skin."

The barman nods sympathetically. "Anyway," says the man, "I was wandering along the shore to see if anything useful had washed up, when I found this little old oil lamp. It was nicely decorated and I tried rubbing the dirt off to get a better look at it."
The barman guesses what's coming next: "There was a genie?"
"Aye," says the man, "The genie of lonely sailors, it called itself. When it asked what companion I required, I should've said a boat builder to get the hell off that island. But I was so wrapped up in my longings, I could only think of one request ..."
The barman nods encouragingly. "So you asked for ...?"
"A beautiful bird with long legs and a tight arse."

<gets coat>

My wife wanted to spice things up a bit and said she had a mind to play doctors and nurses.

So I put her on a trolley and left it in the hall for 5 hours.

Q Why do potatoes make good detectives?

A Because they keep their eyes peeled.

Never trust a mathematician with graph paper.
They're plotting something.

Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.

Nobody bothers talking to circles. There's no point.

Nobody talks to pi. It goes on forever.

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.

Just to continue the cheese jokes
I was in sainsburys the other day when someone threw a lump of cheddar at me. I turned round and went "that's mature".......

Past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

An English teacher told her class, 'In many languages, a double negative indicates a positive. In some languages, a double negative is still a negative. However, there are no languages in which a double positive indicates a negative.'
A voice from the back of the room chimed in, 'Yeah, right!

The English teacher asked me to name two pronouns.
I replied, "Who, me?"

Proper capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off his horse, and helping your uncle jack off his horse.

Hyperbole is, without a doubt, the most magnificent thing that has ever happened to a statement.

Knock knock
Who's there?

Euripides
Euripides who?
Euripides trousers, you menda dese trousers! ( in a strong Italian accent!)

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
Poke 'im on

How do you make a snooker table laugh?
Put your hand in the pocket and play with the balls

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip

I was playing chess the other night, and my friend said: "Let's make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

Why did the old man fall into the well?
He couldn’t see that well.

That’s courtesy of my 10 year old. 😁

Courtesy of my 10yr old who loves joke books:

My wife says she is leaving me, she can't tolerate my disgusting habits anymore. I was so shocked I almost choked on my toenails.

My mates keep slagging me about my new girlfriend. They say she isn't even real, I'm just making it up. Well the joke is on them as they aren't real either.

To whoever stole my glasses, I will find you. I have contacts.

Love your 10-year-old's humour, @Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong!

Why did the chicken have to die?

To get to the other side.

My husband left me because of my obsession with Blankety Blank.

What make it worse is that he took all of the _ with him.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

How do you two whales in a Mini?

Down the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Europe?
Europe who?
No, you're a poo!

There was a rich, successful man, who owned a factory, he had a wonderful wife and three marvellous daughters. He was a very devout Christian, who treated his workers well and gave a lot to charities. One day, as he arrived at his factory, to find it ablaze.

"Well, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away," he said. Then he found that the insurance had expired, again, he said, "Well, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away."

He drove home and found the Police waiting with terrible news. His wife had been driving their daughters to school and their car had been hit by a lorry. "Well, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away," he said, stoically. He borrowed money to rebuild his factory, but it all went badly and he was declared bankrupt and the bank seized his house.

He was living in a tent on the central reservation on the A 69. "Well," he said, "at least the Lord has seen fit to provide me with a tent, to shelter me from the elements. That night, a huge storm brewed up and as he went out in the morning to answer a call of nature, the tent blew away, along with his coat and trousers.

In misery, he raised his hands to the sky and cried in anguish, "Lord! LORD! Why me?"

Immediately, the wind dropped and a gap in the clouds appeared, bathing him in sunlight. A voice boomed out,

"I dunno. You just get on my tits."

What goes in hard and dry and comes out floppy and wet!

A biscuit dipped in tea, you dirty minded mares.😂

😂😂😂