Don’t want to cause upset in work

[Floolou]

Just to be clear: I know that this is a me problem and that my colleague is not at fault. I’m posting to get some ideas how to navigate the conversation only.
I have a colleague who is from the same country as myself, and we get on well enough. I know that this will seem like a ridiculous problem but I have a problem with the ringtone on his phone. Admittedly it’s usually on silent but we sometimes the volume is on as it is on my phone, too. It’s really just the opening of a song and nothing offensive as such but I have some trauma that I associate with it and it really upsets me.
It would absolutely not be ok to play it in work (or use it as ringtone I think) in our home country because the song itself is offensive, but the intro isn’t because it’s just instrumental. I really would like to address it but I don’t know how to do it without making a big deal out of it. He is very nice and we get on fine, but I don’t really want to open up about something so personal. I also don’t want to tell hin that I find it offensive, because I think in either case he will be mortified that he upset me.

Just looking for a way to address this in a nice and casual way without causing upset to anyone if you have any ideas.

Honestly, I don’t think there is a nice or casual way to address that? They can have whatever ring tone they choose on their phone, as you’ve said it’s just instrumental not offensive, you need to deal with your response to it rather than trying to ask the world to change for you

'Don't want to cause upset in work.'

Then don't. Learn to cope with hurty things.

If this was my phone I'd want the person to tell me and I would change it straight away. I know you said you don't want to ask him but please reconsider. It's not going to cost him anything. Hope you're okay x

Sorry to say it like this but you can't expect someone to have a trigger warning on their ringtone because you don't like the combination of notes. That's ridiculous.

I think whether ‘learn to cope’ is appropriate depends on why it’s a problem.

If (say) it’s strongly associated with a paramilitary group which killed people you love, then it’s totally appropriate for you not to want to hear it. If that’s the case I’d discuss with your manager.

If it was (say) a popular song during a tricky period, you could say a more jokey ‘aren’t you bored of that?’ Or something.

Just ignore the first two replies to your post - some people are bored on a Saturday night and this is how they amuse themselves......
As @PleaseBeHappier says, there's absolutely nothing wrong with explaining how you feel and asking them if they could change it

Can you bring up a general conversation about songs away from his phone and casually mention a few you find offensive?

Thanks all. I know that I am being unreasonable and that he is absolutely not at fault. It is something quite serious that happened to me in the past and I have dealt with it quite well, but the song is actually about the same topic and very graphic. Again it is just the opening of it so I can’t fault him for it because it’s my own problem with it. But maybe I just have to learn to ignore it.

If it’s considered an offensive song at home he’s going to understand why you don’t like it presumably?

In which case I’d just say you find it upsetting, would he mind changing it? He can say no, but there’s nothing wrong with asking.

@DrJoanAllenby why be so pointlessly bitchy?

If you get on well with him and he is from the same country, then won't he understand where you're coming from when you say you find it upsetting/offensive?
Just say something like " I don't know how to say this and I really don't want to upset you but your phone ringtone makes me feel a bit ....... etc (however you want to describe how it makes you feel)"

Is it necessary for people to have their phones ringing in the office - that must be quite distracting. The etiquette where I work is to have it on vibrate only, or use earphones. I wonder if this could be addressed as a wider thing by asking people not to have phones on ring, which would avoid singling people out?

@Floolou I know that I am being unreasonable

you're not being unreasonable!
If It would absolutely not be ok to play it in work (or use it as ringtone I think) in our home country because the song itself is offensive, then he should absolutely take on board your concern. It doesn't matter if it's just the instrumental introduction - he knows what he's doing and what he's playing as a ringtone

I’m not sure you can say it tbh esp ‘just’ because he’s from your home country.
Eg The Wolfe Tones’s song ‘A nation once again’ is associated with the IRA in Ireland. That doesn’t mean it’s a paramilitary song though and if someone had it as their ringtone, it doesn’t mean they support the IRA or shouldn’t be allowed play it because somebody else associates it with paramilitary.

I think you just have to learn to live with it.

Would you feel able to say to him, can I have a quiet word with you? Something really bad happened to me a while ago and when I hear your ringtone associate it with that terrible time. Would you please change the ringtone at least while you're in work?

Yes maybe this will be enough and I am just over complicating things in my own head. I just don’t want anyone to know about what happened (especially not a man) but it might be enough. Thanks!

If it wouldn't be ok to use in your home country then it's not just you. Why is he using it? Is he making a point about his own beliefs? Are you from different backgrounds and he's getting at you? It doesn't sound that way. If you get on well and the song would be unacceptable in your home country then I think you're fine to say something to him.

No it’s not about beliefs or political stuff but it is about abuse and violence. I honestly think he just likes the song/ band.
I’ll just ask him if he minds changing it because I find the song itself a bit upsetting.

Any ring tone that's about abuse and violence should be silenced during work hours.

crikey, it must be an internet download, all mine are boring generic ones worse than Greensleeves!

Kindly, I honestly think you need to get a grip, most of us have had trauma and have to deal with it (it's just a ring tone!!)

Can you just say "isn't this song about x,y,z? Can you change it please?"

And if they say no?

Perfectly reasonable for you to let him know that the song upsets you and ask him to change his ringtone. It sounds like he is a good type who wouldn't want to offend you and would happily oblige.

Also perfectly okay (and sensible) to stick to generics and not disclose trauma - and it sounds like the song is easy enough to do that with.

Then obviously she deals with that in due course. But she's making an innocuous request to somebody who sounds very receptive, so I think it's unlikely.

This.