Don’t want to cause upset in work

[Floolou]

Just to be clear: I know that this is a me problem and that my colleague is not at fault. I’m posting to get some ideas how to navigate the conversation only.
I have a colleague who is from the same country as myself, and we get on well enough. I know that this will seem like a ridiculous problem but I have a problem with the ringtone on his phone. Admittedly it’s usually on silent but we sometimes the volume is on as it is on my phone, too. It’s really just the opening of a song and nothing offensive as such but I have some trauma that I associate with it and it really upsets me.
It would absolutely not be ok to play it in work (or use it as ringtone I think) in our home country because the song itself is offensive, but the intro isn’t because it’s just instrumental. I really would like to address it but I don’t know how to do it without making a big deal out of it. He is very nice and we get on fine, but I don’t really want to open up about something so personal. I also don’t want to tell hin that I find it offensive, because I think in either case he will be mortified that he upset me.

Just looking for a way to address this in a nice and casual way without causing upset to anyone if you have any ideas.

OP says it's just the opening notes though - I don't think you can ban that.

I think the OP needs to work this one out for themselves. If the opening notes are the only problem and the blokes phone only rings once (presumably his phone isn't springing into life every 5 mins, if so that's bonkers) then it's a very trivial thing to get het up about.

How often does it go off, you said it is usually on silent. I think you just need to learn to cope with it, apply some context and let it go.

Your colleague should be approached in a positive way, as if the song is offensive, better you speak to them informally and mention it, than someone else complains.

Personally, if a colleague I got on well with asked for a quiet word and said, "I know this sounds weird, but the tune used for the ringtone on your phone is one that I associate with a really traumatic event in my life. Would you mind changing the ringtone?" then I would change the ringtone.

Agreed.

The political aspect sounds like this particular case might be a grey area, but even if OP were to state the song and the country most of us probably wouldn't be informed enough about the nuance to make a judgement.

option 1/ have a discussion with your colleague about “ how long do you normally keep the ringtone on your phone for? ” … “ I like to change mine every so often”. And see if this makes any difference instead of directly saying it is reminding you of a specific traumatic experience that you do not wish to discuss in a workplace.

Or option 2/. Chat about some songs that may be fun to have as ringtones and see if he thinks about changing it

I think you should say nothing and work on your trauma with a professional counsellor.
If you do approach this man and tell him about the ringtone, whatever his response is, have you considered that he may then be afraid to interact with you in case he inadvertently upsets you?
He sounds like a good friend. Don't lose him

whats the policy on phones in the work place ?

Just tell him. It's fine.

Do you mind changing your ringtone, I just have some bad memories of that song.