I need a listening ear. I’m so upset.

[BeggsAndFacon]

I’ve cracked under the pressure and I’ve been crying for the past hour. I have 3 DC aged 22, 14 and 13 years old. The younger two both have autism, both high needs but in different ways. The 13 year old vocal stims a lot. It impacts the sibling who is noise averse.

This makes driving to school or anywhere very difficult. I’ve supplied both of them with ear defenders, fidgets, headphones and music. These only help a little.

We’ve just gotten home from football practice and the 14 year old has just lost it with me. He said that whilst I was packing up some kit (they were waiting in the car), younger DC was stimming vocally and loudly. I know this is probably the case, I was less than 10 minutes packing things up.

The 14 year old has told me how I’m letting them down, how I should parent more effectively, how I never do anything to help the situation, that I should do something and be a better parent. It has broken me .

The 13 year old had an unrelated rant earlier about how I shouldn’t smile so much at people at football practice, how not everyone wants to chat to me and as he has no filter, will openly and loudly tell me in front of others “not everyone wants to talk to you mum”. It makes me feel bad.

They have very rigid thought processes so if a change happens , such as needing to call to a shop for milk after practice , instead of going straight home as planned, I’m called a liar . I always change things . I always lie.

I live life trying to balance their needs, I’m firm with them but make accommodations for their needs, I’m trying to keep everyone happy. It’s not true that I’ve done nothing to help. I KNOW the constant noise is wearing. I make sure they always have access to noise cancelling headphones or ear defenders. I do remind younger one to keep some thoughts and noises to himself, it lasts a few minutes before he forgets and stims again.

I’ve offered to allow the older one to travel to school with a friend or on the bus to avoid the noise; he didn’t want that. I’ve offered to increase the time they spend separately at their dads; he didn’t want that.

The 14 yr old ranted about how I just let the 13 year old “get away with it” (the stimming), that I find it funny (I don’t always, but he does have a good sense of humour too and his stims can be random and humourous), that he’s being naughty and I just stand by and do nothing.

On the flip side, the 14 yr old is so noise sensitive that nobody is allowed to sing along to songs in the car and nobody is allowed to talk to him when they are listening to music. He is very snappy and will scream and shout himself when frustrated.

This all started when I said to the 14 year old that I was proud of how he played at practice . He said he didn’t care, he’s sick of the noise and I need to do something to sort out his brother, before he ranted at me as above.

I burst in to tears. I’ve had enough of being blamed for everything that goes wrong but never appreciated for the things that go right. I’m really trying my best.

What else can I do? I can’t punish the younger one for stimming but the older one thinks he’s being naughty and immature. He forgets that he also screams and shouts when in meltdown.

I constantly remind the younger one about the noise. The older one reminds me it’s my job to parent them both and this just really made me feel like an admonished child. I’m usually very sharp on rude behaviour, but also try to understand them too. It just was too much today and I’ve broken down.

What can I do?

gosh that sounds really tough. What are their empathy skills like? it doesn't sound like the 14 year old is considering your feelings at all. I presume he has noise cancelling headphones etc. I wish I had something else to suggest but it looks like you have already tried everything. Sending you a hug, anyway x

YOU can be kind to yourself.

YOU are doing an AMAZING job in an absolutely SHIT and very difficult situation.

YOU have been doing an AMAZING job for YEARS.

You can’t keep everyone happy all the time, you can only do your best. Which you are very very clearly doing.

I wish I knew you and could pour you a glass of wine or a cuppa and give you a hug and a sit down.

Your DCs may not thank you, but they are so so lucky to have such a thoughtful, engaged mum.

One foot in front of the other. Be kind to yourself. Look after yourself. You are an amazing mum dealing with a very tricky situation x

I think you have to not take it to heart -.which I realise is an easy thing to say.

You are doing all you can. The best thing you can do is point that out, and push back when they call you a liar for needing to stop at the shop ‘no, I need to pick up supper or we’ll have nothing to eat’. Listen to their POV (as you clear do) express yours calmly, and then end the conversation by walking away or tuning out.

It’s obviously hard for them both to be stuck with each other, but they are stuck, and there isn’t a thing you can do about that, or about the realities of life.

When they are ride to you about smiling etc, just laugh and say it’s nice to smile. If they are being actively rude tell them off - it might not make a lot of difference to them right then, but it’s good to see you holding a boundary.

You have to back yourself because they just aren’t able to back you. Please take the time to be nice to yourself OP, you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances.

That's rough for you OP.
To quote @AnEmbarrasmentofWitches
"I wish I knew you and could pour you a glass of wine or a cuppa and give you a hug and a sit down."
What a nice thing to say. I think exactly the same. Virtual hug for you 💐

I am stressed just reading this so I can only imagine how stressful this is for you. Anything I could suggest you'll already have tried. Giving them separate spaces and encouraging them to use them when they need space to make noise or to get away from noise would be the most obvious. What you may not have thought of is that from an outside perspective looking after yourself is probably very important. Making sure that, if possible, you have space and time to read a book or watch a film or whatever you like to do. The less stressed you are the better for you all.

That sounds hard to solve. I feel your pain. Especially as you've been a mother for over two decades and you're still dealing with hardcore parenting here, no respite. I would ask the 14 year old what he thinks you should do. Say it to him like you're seriously looking to him to solve the issue.

The 14 year old has no empathy skills; he’s a wonderful boy but he appears very “selfish” in that he has no understanding of anyone else’s viewpoint at all. It’s really difficult to deal with because our narratives are so different.

I really do understand why he is at his tether with the noise, I get there too, but he thinks his brother is doing it deliberately even though I’ve tried to repeatedly explain. He thinks I’m not trying hard enough to stop it.

You offered your 14 year old TWO solutions and he rejected both.
I think depending on his needs you need to remind him of that.

As for your 13 year old :-( i wish I'd been at football to say to you in his earing ''who woudn't want to speak to your wonderful mum!?''

Years and years and years of being taken for granted for everybody. Nobody sees all the accommodations you're making for them.

I’m so grateful for such kind words; it means so much.

I have tried asking the older one what I can do to help but he doesn’t know. He said today it’s my job to think of things, but he rejects everything I offer because it impacts him in some way (he has no understanding of the bigger picture or of other people’s viewpoints ).

ok, @BeggsAndFacon time to bring up the conversation with your TWO solutions for the 14 year old.

In the same way that your 13 year old cannot stop stimming, HE the 14 year old cannot accept an alternative solution. Point out to him using logic that neither of them is flexible. It's not possible to just suggest ''can you do this differently now please'' to either of them. So they both similar in that way.

I have one child with very little empathy unfortunately. None for me that's for sure.

\Parenting a child with sn is so hard. XX

Sounds very hard OP. Sounds like you are doing what you can. When your children are with their dad make sure you have some time to urself. Is there any way you could get support from their dad? Is your oldest not able to understand tge point of view of your youngest? If not then try to ignore his comments. Hand hold

And you have two!

my other dc mourns or grieves or feels the loss of a sibling without needs. She is full of empathy and she envies her friends their warm supportive relationships with siblings. She could walk past him on the street and he'd barely acknowledge her,

oh op this is so hard. I really feel for you. I have 2 children (assessments requested) who have competing needs - like you one is noisy and the other noise averse. It’s a nightmare.

I think you maybe need to be very blunt with your children. They may be ND but it sounds like they are able to talk with you about things. Your 14 yr old has been given options. I would emphasises that as he is getting older he has responsibility to manage his own needs in an appropriate way. If he doesn’t like the noise he has other options, which you have offered to avoid nixie. If he chooses not to take these then that is his choice. I think although adaptions are needed for ND people it is also good for people to be able to manage their own needs where possible and adapt things themselves to make a routine that works for them.

I would be tempted to say no lofts to any clubs until they can decided themselves how they will
manage the car rides together or come up with a plan for a way it will work. I’m assuming here they have capacity to make plans like that, possibly with help.

Op I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug/cup of tea/ glass of alcifrol. You are doing a fantastic job under difficult circumstances. I know your sons might not realise it. I have no advice just to say well done x

How awful trying to tell you not to speak with others. He wishes he could be more like you I expect.
Just tell him to stop being rude otherwise you won't take him again.

Honestly I think your 14 year old is just being a 14 year old, they can be quite unkind and rude generally, regardless of SEN. You’ve offered solutions and he wasn’t interested. Don’t beat yourself up.

If he thinks it's your job to think up solutions then tell him its his job to simply comply with the solutions you've given. He can't have it both ways.

You are being too kind. You are bending yourself into a pretzel to meet their needs.

Part of parenting is giving them responsibility for themselves. Your eldest needs to be told that there are some things he needs to sort out for himself and that he can’t blame you for everything he doesn’t like. He’s somehow got the belief you have to sort everything out for him. That’s a self limiting belief.

Step back.

Could you send the 13 year old to his father's for a week to give the 14 year old a break and while the 13 year old is away, try to talk to him. Pointing out that you're balancing two sets of different needs.

I'm in the same boat. Two out of three kids diagnosed with autism and their needs are all different. It's been a very grim weekend so far and I'm already looking forward to work on Monday.

Very true @pickledandpuzzled I think my 17 year old slipped in to this thinking way before he was 17. Just the total expectation that I make everything comfortable. The temperature the food, clothes being dry when they'd only just been washed I tried to be logical. I can't make time go faster. I tried humour. But yeh, he can still be angry at ME if things don't go right, and that is a form of powerlessness I guess. He has it in his own power to meet his own basic needs. He's living in a house with cupboards full of foods and clothes and he has the power to access these resources maintain his own self to be fed/warmed/watered!

Your 14 year old needs to start finding his own solutions to issues, waiting outside of the car to minimise time together in a small space. I would direct him to wait outside and if it doesn’t suit him, he can stop complaining and suck up the noise. You have offered one solution and not prepared to offer another.

Tell the boys you are now routinely stopping at a shop on the way home. Build it into their routine.

Also tell the children you do a lot for them, they are at secondary school however so you should be doing less and they should be doing more independently. Start finding ways to increase their independence.

Yes am beginning to think I need to be less responsible for making everyone happy. It’s just too much pressure.

It's important for your kids to realize that you are also a person with needs and feelings that matter.

If he still won't accept one of the solutions that you offered, you could say that he can suggest some other solutions but if you can't all agree on something that works, you are going to decide for him (e.g. by refusing to take them to activities) because it'll you are no longer willing to put up with the conflict and stress.