I need a listening ear. I’m so upset.

[BeggsAndFacon]

I’ve cracked under the pressure and I’ve been crying for the past hour. I have 3 DC aged 22, 14 and 13 years old. The younger two both have autism, both high needs but in different ways. The 13 year old vocal stims a lot. It impacts the sibling who is noise averse.

This makes driving to school or anywhere very difficult. I’ve supplied both of them with ear defenders, fidgets, headphones and music. These only help a little.

We’ve just gotten home from football practice and the 14 year old has just lost it with me. He said that whilst I was packing up some kit (they were waiting in the car), younger DC was stimming vocally and loudly. I know this is probably the case, I was less than 10 minutes packing things up.

The 14 year old has told me how I’m letting them down, how I should parent more effectively, how I never do anything to help the situation, that I should do something and be a better parent. It has broken me .

The 13 year old had an unrelated rant earlier about how I shouldn’t smile so much at people at football practice, how not everyone wants to chat to me and as he has no filter, will openly and loudly tell me in front of others “not everyone wants to talk to you mum”. It makes me feel bad.

They have very rigid thought processes so if a change happens , such as needing to call to a shop for milk after practice , instead of going straight home as planned, I’m called a liar . I always change things . I always lie.

I live life trying to balance their needs, I’m firm with them but make accommodations for their needs, I’m trying to keep everyone happy. It’s not true that I’ve done nothing to help. I KNOW the constant noise is wearing. I make sure they always have access to noise cancelling headphones or ear defenders. I do remind younger one to keep some thoughts and noises to himself, it lasts a few minutes before he forgets and stims again.

I’ve offered to allow the older one to travel to school with a friend or on the bus to avoid the noise; he didn’t want that. I’ve offered to increase the time they spend separately at their dads; he didn’t want that.

The 14 yr old ranted about how I just let the 13 year old “get away with it” (the stimming), that I find it funny (I don’t always, but he does have a good sense of humour too and his stims can be random and humourous), that he’s being naughty and I just stand by and do nothing.

On the flip side, the 14 yr old is so noise sensitive that nobody is allowed to sing along to songs in the car and nobody is allowed to talk to him when they are listening to music. He is very snappy and will scream and shout himself when frustrated.

This all started when I said to the 14 year old that I was proud of how he played at practice . He said he didn’t care, he’s sick of the noise and I need to do something to sort out his brother, before he ranted at me as above.

I burst in to tears. I’ve had enough of being blamed for everything that goes wrong but never appreciated for the things that go right. I’m really trying my best.

What else can I do? I can’t punish the younger one for stimming but the older one thinks he’s being naughty and immature. He forgets that he also screams and shouts when in meltdown.

I constantly remind the younger one about the noise. The older one reminds me it’s my job to parent them both and this just really made me feel like an admonished child. I’m usually very sharp on rude behaviour, but also try to understand them too. It just was too much today and I’ve broken down.

What can I do?

You are responsible for keeping them safe and helping them grow towards independence.

I think you may need to explicitly teach them that.

Of course on top of that you love them and want them to be happy, but that isn’t actually your job, or in your capacity.

Make sure they know and they’ll catch on and grow up better for it!

OP you sound like an absolutely brilliant Mum in a very difficult situation.

However I would make clear that its not your job to keep everyone happy. It’s not your responsibility to always referee your DC’s relationship. And it’s not your role to continue keeping the peace between them as they grow up. Would you be able to calmly state that to them both?

Shift some of the responsibility back to them to manage their relationship better, or take up the offer of time apart.

Op this sounds really really hard. You’re doing your best and that’s all you can do. Sending a virtual hug xxx

I’m so grateful for all of the very kind words and suggestions. Made me cry more. I am going to sit them both down and talk to them about having to meet some of their own needs and that I’m also human and struggling with their constant demands for me to meet needs.

(((HUG)))

☕️ 🍰 🍷 🍹 ...anything else you fancy!!!

you are a BRILLIANT parent, you are not God

your 14yo is ND, but also a typically self centred, self righteous teen. With a mouth to match.

Put your foot down and don't accept HIS appraisal of you. Tell him that it's not your job to make sure everything suits him 100%. Remind him you have given him the tools & options to do for himself, but HE needs to make good choices & actually use the tools.

remind him they both have needs/behaviours that annoy the other one & 'good parenting' doesn't mean telling the 13yo off/to change to suit the 14yo.

TRY to stop buying into what he's saying. He's not right.

There are some lovely comments on this thread. I am so so grateful. I really needed to hear this tonight.

I found with my autistic ds the way to deal with it was to become inflexible myself.

So I'd say something and stick to it. When he asked for an adaption I'd tell him "no. You have decided we stick to rules in this house and I'm respecting that at your request".

It wasn't easy for him to become more flexible and helpful but it did make it necessary for him to try. Eventually he found his own routine ways of doing those things I'd requested of him and found the benefits outweighed the effort.

For example - my ds is a swimmer. He gets chores. I'm absolutely fine if he doesn't do them. But if he doesn't then I will. I don't have time to do the chores and take him training. As suggested above that logic made sense to him.

I also found putting the ball back in ds court worked. So if I had to stop at a shop and he said "you said that we were going straight home after" I'd reply "I did. But why did I say we are stopping at the shop?". He reply "to buy X". At which I would say "yes I did. And what would happen if we didn't have X".

That worked for us but I know all people with autism are different and respond differently so for you it'll be finding what works.

You're doing a great job. You are listening to them and talking to them. You'll find a way.

It will be a long time before your children are able to tell you you’re a great mum, and how glad they are you stuck to your guns. I’ve had that from 3 out of my 4, in different circumstances. it’s worth the wait!

In the meantime, from me on their behalf- you’ve been doing sterling job, and the next step where you give them a bit more responsibility will also be a sterling job!
🏆🏆🏆

Nothing to add OP but you sound fabulous ❤

You sound like a amazing mum , they are lucky to have you ❤️

I have no useful advice as I have no experience of autism, but a big hug for you. You seem like such a great mum. Please be kind to yourself, as everyone has said.

Here’s my 2 pennies worth: I got on the bus and a teen sitting at the back was having a loud conversation on her phone with someone on loudspeaker. After five minutes of listening to this drivel I got up and asked her , politely , to turn off her loudspeaker Her response was that she was autistic and needed her friend to talk to to give her the confidence to be on the bus. I said that’s fine but you could wear ear phones so the other passengers don’t have to be disturbed. She said but I don’t like ear phones! As though it had genuinely never occurred to her that her behaviour was changeable. So I said suck it up buttercup, earphones or no chat, next bus trip bring your ear phones, no one wants to hear your conversation.
Then I sat down and endured a further twenty minutes before I got to my stop.
My point being that yes kids on the spectrum are all different with what they can, can’t deal with. But for the ones that are going to be independent as adults, they need to learn that not just their needs are the most important.
Was I too harsh?

I think that’s a really good idea OP - and it’s kind to them as well as you, because it helps them to deal with the world.

It’s a huge thing to recognise that you cannot endlessly try to make people happy.

This. Says it all.

It's really hard because it sounds like standard sibling/teenager humphs are getting mixed up with the SEN.

I can totally sympathise with the frustration over the tics, on both sides. Ds has a friend who has tics and I know he finds it far more embarrassing and frustrating than anyone around him. But I can also imagine the 14yo is finding it's embarrassing simply because it's his sibling. He may well get comments from team mates "why's he doing that?" etc, which means he's not just having to cope with them, which is sending his sensory needs into array, he's also feeling others may be reacting to it, even if they aren't.

As a teenage sibling the 14yo is probably thinking "he was quiet for 2 minutes after dm told him. That means he can control it so he's doing it totally to be irritating. And dm always lets him get away with it because he's a spoilt brat."
He doesn't yet have the maturity to know that it isn't controllable, and the effort needed to achieve those 2 minutes quiet.

This The 13 year old had an unrelated rant earlier about how I shouldn’t smile so much at people at football practice, how not everyone wants to chat to me also may just be teenager embarrassment as parents are just that!
I remember I used to share lifts to a sports thing with a friend. When we went with her dad, he used to chat interestingly on things that he knew I liked and it was so relaxing and calm. When we went with my mum, you wouldn't believe how many embarrassing things she talked about, and tried to pretend to be trendy with her language. So embarrassing!
One day her dad had given us a lift and as we got out of the car my friend turned to me and said "I'm so sorry for my dad. He just talks on such silly things, and he tries to pretend he's one of us. I get so embarrassed..." I replied "no, your df is fine. It's my dm..." We laugh about that now.
I suspect with your ds it's a normal teenager parents are embarrassing, but because he has no filter, he's saying it out loud. Neither of us said anything in front of our parents.

What I'm trying to say, very clumsily, is that they don't really think you're a dreadful parent - and you definitely aren't. It's just the combination of teenage hormones, and a lack of filter.
Is there perhaps someone else who could explain to the 14yo that it isn't choice by the 13yo. I know that doesn't help his noise sensitivity, but someone other than dm telling him might help.
Are you able to have 1-2-1 time with them separately? Maybe take them to McDs or something. I find my ds much more receptive on his own with food to eat than he is if I try to talk to him at home with the others around.

Would one of them be interested in living with their father?

Yes I think their ages also make it harder. Ds14 is very aware of fitting in whereas DS13 has less inhibition and will openly stim and flap about. Which is fine, but I agree DS14 probably gets embarrassed.

OP - just wanted to a send a hug and a huge glass of wine to you.

I've no practical suggestions (and like someone else said, anything anyway would you will have already tried)

My son is at a SEN school and his teacher and I agreed last year that it is so easy to fall into the trap of making everything just right for them, and making their needs are met at all times.

And, hard as this is (so hard!) that I needed to step back a little and allow him to find things challenging, and to help him find his own solutions. He's much younger than your children, but I really can empathise with running yourself ragged trying to make sure everyone is 100% okay all of the time.

I hope you're okay this evening and get some time for yourself xx

You're doing a great job in hard circumstances. You've made a huge effort to accommodate them both.

This may not work for you because I don't know your children, but I was able to stop stims that were disturbing to other people by helping them find a stim to replace it. In our case it was as simple as, instead of pacing up and down furiously in the doctor waiting room, play on your phone. This was acceptable to the person I care for, met their needs, and means everyone else around them isn't uncomfortable and disturbed. It might not be so simple for others, so just my experience.

I have attempted to talk to them both this evening but I think I’ll need to wait a day or two as both don’t seem to be open to discussion today. DS14 did apologise for upsetting me and then promptly asked how I’m going to sort it out. I’ve talked about making good choices to help himself, but he doesn’t really seem to grasp the concept.

DS13 just became over stimulated and promptly bit me. I’m going to make myself a cup of tea and get myself to bed. I am so over today.

So grateful for all of the advice here.

I know what it’s like to be caught in the middle of two family members whose ASD manifests in differing ways and each triggers the other one. You’re doing your best and putting everyone else first in very difficult circumstances. Tomorrow’s a new day and it will get easier as the boys get older. At the moment, they are peak-teen and even without the disability, things would be hard and you’d be getting some of this from them. With ASD added to the mix, it can feel unbearable at times. You’re doing the right thing taking yourself off to bed - time to put yourself first for a little bit of today. I hope the fact that lots of us on here get it helps a little bit - they are lucky to have such a compassionate and caring mother. X

This.

This was my first thought. A lot of teens don't want their parents breathing at a football match as they are embarrassed by peer pressure so in that he was being a pain in the ass regular teen.
Same with the sibling arguments..its not unusual for teens to annoy the hell out of each other.
You are doing a fantastic job..a great mom trying to anticipate their individual needs . They are being teen siblings with the added extra of autism . This is not your fault or you lacking in some way as a parent..head up now..your kids will not always be so demanding.

18 and they're out the door🚪

I also have two autistic kids, so I really REALLY get it.

I know that feeling of wishing you could split yourself in two so you could meet all of their needs all of the time. The weariness of knowing that they will always trigger each other no matter what you do.

I think despite their inability to see things from your perspective, as people have already suggested, it might be helpful if you explain your perspective in as unemotional a way as possible. You’re allowed to clap back when they accuse you of this that and the other. Although perhaps leave it a while until your emotions have simmered down before attempting it.

They’re old enough to start understanding that you’re human too, and not just a service droid otherwise known as their mother 😄

Good luck.