Chat for depressed mums. Anyone want to join me?

[Tiredangryfrustratedandsad]

I have 2 kids age 4 and 1. I had the oldest quite young, then had the second because that’s what you do and I wanted DD to have a sibling.

I love them and would lay my life down for them but I am so depressed about what my life is now, and resentful of DP. He doesn’t even do anything wrong, he pulls his weigh, but it can never be truly equal - the youngest just wants me all the time, I’ve given up 2 years of my career to take maternity and that’s had serious ramifications, the pregnancies were tough and stressful in various ways.

I find everything such a chore. It’s the same thing day after day. Get up, dressed, get the oldest to school, look after the youngest (who is toddling and just wants to walk around or whinge and fights naps), make food, clean up, make food, clean up, pick up the oldest, try to stop them from injuring each other as I make yet more food, do the bedtime routine which I dread and when they’re finally asleep, clean up, fall into bed and wait to be woken at 3am by the 1 year old. DP gets up with him but he cries and screams so much I’m awake anyway.

We have no family help, I don’t go out, my friends are on WhatsApp only as I live 2 hours from them and overnights away are so stressful I needn’t bother. I have no hobbies, my figure is a mess, I have spots, none of my nice clothes fit so I just live in leggings.

Due back at work in a couple of weeks and we’ve already had a mega cold from the baby’s settling in sessions so I’m fucking dreading it and not seeing it as the answer at all.

Does anyone else want to join me and offload.

I'll join. I've been on antidepressants since I had a breakdown 8 years ago and started having intrusive thoughts. But I'm finding it hard, I might be made redundant and my ASD 9yo, and 6yo just don't stop bickering or being miserable. Ever. I don't want to spend time with them or with anyone really. And the dose I'm on isn't enough right now. I'm worried about myself.

Sorry you're having a hard time, I was always a better mum when I was working as the break away from the children made me tolerate them better. If you're not expected up at 3am can you wear earplugs?

@MuggleMe very sorry to hear you also feel like this. The neurodiversity must add an extra layer. I know what you mean about the bickering, DD is very jealous of her brother and snatches any toy he picks up or wants, leaving him in tears. I tell her off, then she cries. For so long I took a love bombing softly-softly approach but it didn’t work and I don’t have the energy for it any more. My patience is worn so thin, I can’t stay in role all the time.

I love them and would happily die for them but at the same time I just don’t feel cut out for this. The thought of doing this for another handful of years fills me with dread. I have aches all over from being so tense all the time, and I also find the physical work hard - constantly lifting, pushing prams, carrying car seats, up and down the stairs, on my feet fetching things for them.

I have moments where I am a hairs width from snapping and screaming at everyone to leave me alone.

do you have a partner/co-parent or are you managing alone? ☕️

Oh op I feel for you, it's awful that you aren't enjoying your Maternity leave. Are you looking forward to going back to work apart from the stress of potential illnesses being picked up at nursery? Are you going back full time? I'm actually the opposite , I love being at home with dcs and I'm dreading having to go back to work. But needs must. I like the routine however and I'm actually glad that I will be working over summer when school is off. I suppose it's hard to find a happy medium isn't it? But know that they are only little for such a short time, although it's tough now I bet in the future you will look back on these days and wish they were little again 🥺

I’m sure you mean well but this whole post is really insensitive

It's no insensitive it's true and also some people who can't have kids would love to being this situation.

Parenting is hard at times but those days flash by and before you know it they are grown up and leaving home.

Again, just wildly unhelpful and pointless.

I'm sorry if it came across as insensitive but I just wanted to say that I am dreading going back to work and leaving my dcs at nursery. I'm going to really miss them, that's all I was trying to convey. So I'm depressed at the thought of it all. It's just another take on your title that's all. I hope you feel better soon.

I appreciate that but this is clearly a thread for mums who are struggling with looking after their children. Telling me I’ll look back with regret is about as unhelpful as me telling you not to be sad because I love my job and work is great (which is actually how I feel).

Not really a pointless post though is it. You could actually look at the positives of having children instead of relentlessly focusing on the negatives. Do you like seeing them do new things every day? Learning language and learning about the world? Being cute generally?

You know, the drudgy bits of having children are the price you pay for the lovely bits. The snuggling into you while you read them bedtime stories - how about that?

Can you see it that way? I have struggled with depression my whole life btw.

Only read this far.
i also was quite happy when my DC were little but as a single parent for many years, including with toddlers, I can quite happily say I am so, so glad the youngest is now a teenager and I can pop off to the gym for an hour to improve my mental health. I have days when I just think, enough now, leave me alone, and it is nothing whatsoever to do with whether I love them or not, or how quickly their childhoods flashed by.

The relentless grind of parenting, work, cleaning, parenting, work, cleaning and the contraction of your social life that comes with it can become overwhelming and depressing. I think the converse of the ‘enjoy it, it all goes by in a flash’ posts are that this too shall pass. Having small children and being at home with them is a relentless cycle of cooking, cleaning, cuddles, with good bits as well as bad, and you will get through this.

I am not going to come up with any miracle solutions, except just taking the smallest bits of time for yourself and trying to fit in what you enjoy. For me, I discovered plants and gardening, although still not had enough time to properly do the garden, there is joy in seeing some of my planting coming through in the spring.

Mine are teenagers now, but I clearly remember when they were 4 and 1 (we have the same age gap). It’s hard, because they’re at such different stages. Add in broken nights and work, it’s a perfect storm. 💐 Hang in there, because it does get easier when the youngest can keep up. Once my DS was 4/5, things really improved for us.

Would it be possible for your DP to have them one evening a week or a weekend afternoon so you can do something for yourself? Take a class, do a hobby, etc.? It makes a huge difference to do something for yourself.

I think many of those who replied have not experienced depression. In normal circumstances the op I'm sure would feel just like you do. However, when you are in the thick of depression and have small kids the last thing you nerd is ppl telling you that you miss all this when they are older

OK sorry for posting here. Not very nice to jump on me when I am only wishing you the best.
Maybe an idea to change your title if you don't want different takes on it.

It literally says ‘a chat for depressed mums’. What else would I call it?

So I can't be a depressed Mum for not wanting to go back to work and leave my dcs? It is really stressing me out. Seriously stop taking offence for no reason.

Yes but it’s clearly not the sort of depression I’m talking about in the OP. And if I had responded ‘awww just remember how great work is and how pleased you’ll be one day that you didn’t give up your job’ I imagine you would find it pretty glib and tactless.

No I wouldn't because everyone has different opinions. This will be my last post on this thread, as I said I only wish you well and I did not jump on you I only gave a different take on my sadness. I was hoping to make you feel better but instead you just took offence.

I’m not offended. I just said your post wasn’t helpful and was tone deaf. I wish you well and hope your return to work goes as well as it can.

I also hate the ‘you’ll miss it one day’ posts.

Yes - but that’s because memories skim over the worst. Anyway, I sympathise, OP. My three year old is being very challenging at the moment and my baby (7 months) is teething and would apparently rather do anything than have milk or eat!

Big hugs op. It sounds rough. Not matter what we do it doesn't feel enough! I'm struggling too somedays. It's me, my patented and my 22 month old. He works away a lot and last time we were so sick, my mum helped and she was off work for 2 weeks because of us! It don't know any answers or if my choice to work on the weekends is right. But I do know that it's hard. And there are days that are so repetitive I could cry! I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to wake up. I just want to sleep so badly! It's so hard. No matter how much we love them we need love and support too xxx

Partner*

OP - the early years are relentless and it's tough when you don't have family help nearby.

Can your DH get home earlier so he can do the bedtime routine some nights?

And they will get sick when they start nursery - is your DH going to take time off when that happens?

It’s the sleep and the fact that when you’re on for the day you get no downtime. No chance to sit and just be, no time to read or to sit and take in the changing seasons or ponder things over. I’m not saying I’d change it or them but I am saying I’m looking forward to a time when I can breathe a bit again.

Yeah those younger years can be tough. It definitely comes across on this thread that you are tense.
Do you get time for a walk or run or whatever it is you like doing once your partner gets home? What hours does he work?

Have you discussed with your partner what it is going to look like when you return to work?
Him taking time off with the kids when they are ill, the housework childcare split etc - this might help settle things in your head for you for your return.