Who has bagged an excellent man while being a single mum?

[Wordsofprey]

Just that really. Is it possible? Where are these mythical creatures?

I'm a young single mum with an under 1 year old and not looking to meet anybody any time soon, or possibly ever. There's no room in my life for heartache and after a fair amount of trauma and mistakes it's become clear I have terrible taste in men and low standards. I'm level headed and intelligent but due to low self esteem I seem to only go for people with issues because I believe myself to have issues and only be worthy of those kinds of people, which a part of me knows isn't true, but there you go.

Who out there has managed to meet an excellent man when they were a single mum? Anybody managed this feat while carrying their own life trauma and met somebody who was all around a brilliant person? Where did you meet? How long have you been together? Did they accept your child as their own? How slow did you go?

Its a nice idea to meet a man who would treat my baby as his own but statistics like 1 in 7 step dads go on to abuse the children etc, really get me.. I couldn't risk that with my child. Id like to hear from people who have gone from being a single mum with some level of trauma in their background (rough upbringing, terrible taste in men, anything else other than perfect well rounded humans who I wish I was but am not) to meeting somebody who is a genuine good man. I'd like stories please.

Me!

I was 3 years out of an abusive relationship. We met on OLD. He would have loved children of his own, but I am done. He absolutely dotes on my DD and we make a very happy family unit.

They met after 3 months (shorter than I would have liked) as he came over to watch tv after she was in bed, but she woke up and came to the living room. They saw very little of each other for the first 6 months or so.

We have only been together for 2 years now, but we are both certain that it will be forever.

You need to work on your trauma and lack of self confidence and self esteem - or whatever it is that causes you to accept poor treatment from terrible men.

Mainly because until you’re in a good place with yourself you’ll just keep on repeating the same mistakes and settling for the first man who throws you a few crumbs.

Secondly, because the good, stable, respectful, emotionally healthy men (and women) out there want and are looking for similarly placed partners who are their equals and who they can build a stable, solid, mutually supportive, healthy partnership with. You can smell vulnerability and low standards a mile off, and they’re not attractive - unless you’re the type of person who actively wants to take advantage of somebody vulnerable with low standards. Yes, having a child will narrow your pool of dating options, but not as much as you will simply by not having addressed your issues and why you make such bad relationship choices.

Plenty of men change after children are born. Why must it be assumed it is down to our poor judgement in men!

Me! Absolute treasure. I was a single parent for 4 years when I met him. He treats DS1 as his own and while I wasn’t warning for agreed career break to raise our two younger children he paid for everything for the whole family including some very expensive sports and social commitments for DS1.

The OP herself has said she has had low standards and made bad choices in past relationships and acknowledged her tendency to pick men with issues which combine with her own issues to create a poor relationship.

Me. Together 5 years now, my daughter barely remembers life before him great dad and stepdad. We have just had a baby. Most settled we have both ever been. Met at a party 6/7 years ago always knew he was the one for me since we first met.

My husband was the lucky one to bag me and my two children!

Just to add everyone says don't move in we had no choice but to jump straight in I was suddenly moving due to violence (not even from an ex partner) and moved in together 100 miles away after a month. We made that choice at 3 am left 9am that morning and never looked back. He's most definitely my ride or die.

This is a good point. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted after leaving my abusive ex. I decided that I would rather be alone than with a man who would didn't actively make my life better. If any man I dated didn't meet these standards, I quickly moved on.

My boyfriend now is someone whom I respected and whose company I enjoyed from the start. He also has always treated me exactly as I would have hoped (but not necessarily believed I deserved).

I'm honestly amazed to have found someone who loves me so much and is so supportive. We treat each other very well and it's like a dream every day.

I think I was more attractive to ‘nice’ and ‘good’ men as a single parent. Before my daughter, I always attracted bad boy types or men who just wanted a fling and nothing serious but then as a single mother, nice men were flocking to me. I think it was a princess in danger/knight in shining armour type thing, men wanted to ‘rescue’ me from the ‘terrible’ situation I was in (it wasn’t really terrible, I was having an ok time but that’s how they saw it) and I always made it clear that I wasn’t messing around and looking for someone to share my life with. I met my now fiancée, when my daughter was 2, online and he is honestly the best man I could ever hope to be with.

Me! 30 years ago, with a son of 3.

Fantastic husband, dad and technically step dad but never seen as such because eldest DS hasn't seen his biological father since he was 3 and considers DH his dad in every way.

nice men were flocking to me. I think it was a princess in danger/knight in shining armour type thing, men wanted to ‘rescue’ me from the ‘terrible’ situation I was in

I also experienced this, I had a few guys propose and a lot trying to ‘rescue’ me.

Yes I met my husband when my oldest was 3 months old. I’d broken up with the father as he was cheating on me while pregnant with our planned baby.
He’s brought him up as his own and we’ve gone on to have 2 more.
We vaguely knew of each other from around town but he messaged me on an old dating account that I reactivated to see what was about. I guess I was lucky and it could have gone seriously wrong but it didn’t

Only one of my friends has but trying to think of how many single parents I know and it’s not that high overall so 1 of the 5 I know well.

Some really interesting responses thanks for sharing - just reading through now!

That's ridiculously fairy tale and almost impossible that it went well so quickly so I won't get my hopes up for that exact love story 🤣 but amazing!

Yes this. DP 'bagged' a ready made family of three. I'm a catch.

We met online. Been together 5 years, the kids love him.

This is completely true and I'm aware although it's good to hear it. I keep alot bottled up, I don't have any friends to speak to but I'm close to my mum and she's really the only person I chat to, although we're open I'm still somewhat limited in what I'd discuss with her. I think because I lack a large social circle I tend to latch on to shit men when I see something in them which is positive and ignore the bad. My ex and father of baby was actually a well rounded package but I ignored one thing which turned out to be the most monumental. I was also previously in with a bad crowd so to speak so the quote of something along the lines of "you're only as good as the company you keep" was very true. I've crossed paths with some excellent men before who aren't dissimilar to the ones everyone here is describing (pre baby) but my instinct is always that something isn't right, I'm drawn to bad eggs but when I actively tried to stop that I ended up going the other way.

I'm very self aware so I'm trying to figure out how exactly to work through it mentally and make actual changes without having any support around me and with baby by myself 247 , it's pretty difficult.

That aside, I'm pathetic enough I've shed a little tear at some of these because they're true love stories! Woman who met a guy on holiday and moved in straight away, and lady with friend who took boy to football, really beautiful lives! And the rest. Here's to hoping

I met my husband when I was a lone dad to a three year old, we met via a dating agency, so there was the security of knowing who they really were as all users were dbs checked, so while that isn’t foolproof, they couldn’t pretend to be someone else. We’re now married, he adopted the three year old and we also now have a two year old daughter. He is lovely, he’s also smoking hot and I am seriously punching.

I found myself alone with an 8mth and 2 months pregnant on my 2nd.
I met my now DH through his sister who minded his baby (Mum had died while his son was only 6weeks old)
Her and I hit it off and spent a lot of time together through the kids as there is only 4 months between my eldest and her nephew.
Due to the traumatic end of my relationship with my boys Dad I was NEVER EVER having a relationship EVER!!!
Roll on a few years and we knew each other very well, lots of socialising through both our families and especially the kids and while I guessed he had feelings for me I refused to acknowledge mine until my former MIL said to me one day, during a family BBQ, "You know he's not X? In fact he's nothing like him, he adores you, he treats and looks at you how I wish my son had, now get off your arse, allow yourself to be happy and ask him out for gods sake"😂
So I did and I have never looked back. We are now married and welcomed our new baby together a few weeks ago.
Thankfully our blended family is nothing but positive for our kids, who now take great delight in telling friends that they have LOADS of Nanas and Grandads.

Put yourself out there, but you must know your worth and refuse to settle for less than you would wish for your own child.

Yes, my friend did, she had DC 10 & 2, DC2 had been an unexpected result of a short term liaison not long after her marriage broke up, she was badly let down by the fathers of both her DC, and was quite despairing about it at times. Went on to meet delightful 2ndH and they have been married for 20+ years.
Met him through a friend on a night out.

My dh was actively looking for a single mum as he was a single dad and thought another parent would be best for him. He actually found childless me but there are definitely men out there who would actively welcome a single mum to date.

We have been together 5yrs. My ds was 2 when we got together after being friends for years before hand. He helped me when his dad disappeared and wanted nothing to do with him

Yeah me! I met my husband in 2014 after leaving my horrible, violent and abusive fiancé. I had 2 kids and my ex told me "no man wants a single mother".

But he was wrong! My husband is out of this world. He is the most kindest, caring, loving, devoted, fun, sexy and handsome man. I've never been so happy!

He doted on my two. We have a baby together now and life is wonderful.

Been together 10 years and married nearly 4 years. My ex has been thoroughly single since I left him.

We didn't move in for a good 2 years and didn't introduce the children until we were both serious and committed. Did it slowly and gently.

Kids came first!

Yes. My daughter was 11 when I met my now husband. She’s now 20 and in uni. He treats her like she’s his own.