Trying to let go of anger with my mum

[Duvetday1]

It would be amazing to get some practical help here from people who have been through the same thing. All my life my mum has suffered with severe mental illness. In and out of hospital; resulting in what I honestly think was neglect of my sister and I. We did have my dad around, but I think he didn't realise how bad it was - he should have taken more control of things but she'd always been the SAHP so I feel like he just allowed it to fall apart.
I never wanted to have anyone round to the house as it was a mess and her behaviour was erratic, she used to turn up at the school when she was psychotic and insist on taking me home (and the school let me go - with a clearly extremely ill parent - please tell me that wouldn't happen now?!)
I used to wash my own clothes from the age of around 9 as otherwise they wouldn't get done.
I honestly can't stand her now because I think she never made any effort with the help that doctors and the support system tried to give her. I suffer from poor MH too but I do what I need to do.
Recently I said to her that she was a neglectful parent and she said rubbish you were very spoiled. Which is an absolute lie - I don't think anyone would think we were spoiled in any way. My sister has type 1 diabetes and my mum is a martyr about it and says she did everything which again is not true. My sister learned to manage it herself.
Every time there is an event she manages to spoil it. I think she does it on purpose although I don't know why. She doesn't care about her grandchildren. A total lack of empathy maybe?
My sister feels the same as me but somehow it doesn't get to her as much.

Does anyone know of any supportive organisations who would actually understand my situation? Friends are hopeless; they just say 'oh poor her; she was ill'. If she'd been an alcoholic perhaps more people would get it, because many of my experiences were similar from what I can read about.
I feel so annoyed with her and it honestly isn't healthy. Advice anyone?

If it helps op I understand your situation and how awful for you. Lots of resources online but have you thought about counselling. There's also a long running "Stately homes thread" on here where people with difficult parents for many different reasons post and that can be helpful. There are a lot of us about.

This may be the nuclear option but you don't have to see her/invite her to things. I think also she will never admit any fault so that avenue is closed, she won't suddenly have an epiphany. I do feel anger at your dad though, he stood by ( I may be projecting here a bit though! )and didn't protect you. I'd also say stop trying to work out why she is the way she is and concentrate on you.

The only time I had counselling was after a miscarriage and the father of the baby died a month later and I had a bit of breakdown. The counsellor was so uninterested - it put me off for life. I'd honestly rather talk to someone who genuinely understood and had been there.
I know it sounds like I'm excusing my dad but I suppose he was trying to make the best of things. He'd also had a bit of a chaotic upbringing and again perhaps didn't realise as well what was normal and not.
They're still together so if I don't invite her to things he can't come, as he is her carer. Sometimes he does miss out, like I don't invite them to school shows in case she creates a scene and spoils it.
I think she's quite subtly manipulative tbh. I actually hate her but again, that's not healthy.
Anyone who knows the background always says to me and my sister they can't believe how well we have done despite everything, but I'm not so sure about that.

I sympathise massively op ..my dad was an alcoholic but also had mental health problems...yes, he was ill and so was your mum but it doesn't change the fact that you were put through hell and neglected. It's an incredibly stressful and traumatising way to live. Sorry I don't have much advice but I do empathise.

Thank you. Did you ever try anything eg counselling?
I don't get on terribly well with my sister sadly, but we both do agree that we would do our absolute best to never ever let our children go through what we did. I think the real anger is the feeling that she never tried. I said to my dad once that the only thing that I could guarantee about her is that she will always, always, let me down. We went wedding dress shopping when I got married and she went off to smoke outside so when I came out of the cubicle to show her, she wasn't there. I know that almost sounds funny but it's not; it shows you her priorities.
That is a really sad thing to feel about your mother. If I ever say to someone else (which I rarely do) that I had issues with her they'll laugh and say oh yes mums are a nightmare or some nonsense.

No I haven't...i mean my dad is dead now...I do know he loved me. I'm not sure counselling would help me much now. I think your situation is different in the sense that your mum is still around and your still are directly affected by her behaviour. Its also hard because it sounds like she's totally oblivious to the effect it has had on you. I wouldn't bother to discuss it with friends who have what I like to call standard or ordinary parents. They won't understand.

You know it's like when people describe their parents as so embarrassing because they danced a bit at a wedding or are too chatty with their friends. No. What's embarrassing is your parent rocking up to your parents evening pissed out of their head...or in your case rocking up to your school in the midst of a mental health crisis.

And yes, you're right, it's shocking that schools back then did nothing and didn't flag this behaviour up.

Yes that's exactly it.
I am astonished too. She told me on one of these occasions that I wasn't actually me but an impersonator - I was only 12....as well as being beyond my capacity to deal with; it was probably actually potentially dangerous for me. I think the school just wanted rid of her and didn't care about me to be brutally honest.

How can you let go of your anger when she's gaslighting you? She's still actively harming you.

There is better therapy out there.

I think anger is a very understandable emotion to have and maybe you should get yourself permission to be angry, rather than have any expectation of moving past it.

I wonder if there were times when you were younger than you had to suppress your emotions for the benefit of others.

I certainly didn't share any of this with friends at the time. Result of that unfortunately is that any of my old school friends don't get it, apart from one who was our neighbour and so was very aware of what things were like.
My sister was more open with friends and I think that's a positive thing. I was just embarrassed and hated thinking or talking about it.

You are understandably angry and hurt at how she treated and from the sound of it still treats you. It is ok to feel like that, give yourself permission and compassion if you can for all you went through.
while your mum can’t help her MH, it doesn’t invalidate how that made you feel.
I do wonder if some compassion focused therapy would allow you to explore your feelings and listen to the child who wasn’t heard (you). You can maybe help your younger self to heal from being let down repeatedly which can then help you deal with this in your present, adult state.
you are doing so well to break the cycle and keep your children from experiencing this - give yourself credit for this.

I actually didn’t have counselling to deal with moving past the anger I felt towards my mother. It’s a slightly different situation to yours but in my experience unless you come from a home with an unwell or damaged parent you don’t get it.
Things that helped was my sister. Having her validate my feelings about our childhood was so helpful. We also made a promise that our children wouldn’t experience what we did.
Having my own children. It was one thing that she couldn’t be arsed about me but the not showing interest in my children. Fuck that she is one missing out there.
A very close friend once asked me to remember the little girl that I was and to think about what I would say to her if I got the chance. My answer is ‘It’s not your fault’. This was game changing because I had been under the illusion that it was somehow my fault.
I had to accept that she will not acknowledge the harm she did and I can not change her.
She is a carer for my disabled sibling so it’s not possible to cut her out.

I kinda feel hollow about her. Where there was once anger and resentment is generally just an empty, emotionless sensation. Sometimes I feel sad but not because of her, sad that I didn’t get a mother. It feels weird when someone refers to her as my mum, because the word mum feels like a lie. I had to let go of the anger though because the anger was hurting me and not her.

I don’t know if any of what I said will help but you’re not alone. None of what happened was your fault you were an innocent child who deserved a mothers love and nurturing.

OP you were let down by all the significant adults in your life at home and at school. You weren’t permitted the childhood you were entitled to; you weren’t consistently safe and cared for and loved. Someone should have noticed and stepped in to help and support you and your sister. The fact that no one did has left you with a gaping emotional wound, you keep picking at the scab wondering about the healing process. You reach out to your mum, your dad, your sister, MN seeking that emotional closure you need, hoping adult brains and perspectives will provide the answers to why your childhood was this way.

Did you ever think about distancing yourself from your DM? She sounds like a harmful influence - actively preventing you from coming to terms with your childhood experiences. You don’t have to have her in your life, do you?

I don’t have your experience, but I have had to figure out why I was manipulated into going along with childhood abuse so easily and keeping that secret for my whole life. Why did that happen to me and why wasn’t it blindingly obvious to the intelligent adults around me that I was being groomed, that my behaviour changed? It’s a different kind of problem to yours, but I think what I’ve learned is that a good therapist who is a good match for you, is helpful. That I won’t ever have all the answers I’d like to have but I can accept that. That I can still have some good memories of my childhood. That I don’t have to filter all my life experiences through this childhood trauma, and it’s okay to put it behind me now I am an adult.

I don’t blame you for being angry, unfortunately it doesn’t sound like your Mum is ever going to accept an ounce of responsibility for her issues and the problems it’s caused you. My Mum had some psychotic episodes but her and my Dad were convinced they were messages from God! The crazy that you’re forced to accept as normal when you’re a child is almost inexplicable.

I’m not in contact with my Mum anymore and this is too extreme for some people. It is worth putting up some boundaries though. She’s never going to be the mother you needed. I think the way forward is to accept that she’s who she is and nothing you ever can do or say will change that. It’s far easier said than done though.

Ive had some really good therapists who do understand, they aren’t all the same. If you’re in the UK you can take a look at BACP website, they have a list of counsellors. They usually have descriptions of what they deal with and you tend to get a feel for if they’re going to be helpful or not. Also you don’t have to settle for the first one you find, most of them will have a free call with you to see if they can help.

I wouldn’t rely on anyone to understand if they haven’t been through similar. A mother not taking care of her children is almost such a taboo it’s barely seen unless it’s become impossible to ignore.

Most people do not get it. I once had someone say to me she'd be better if you were nicer to her. My feelings don't matter; only hers.
I also feel quite differently once I had children. I think my sister is the same.
A key moment was actually quite recently. My dad took my daughter and my mum to an outside show where you had to walk to see toys in various tents. Halfway through she refused to go any further so they came home. My daughter didn't even mind that much but it was the selfishness that got to me. Even thinking about it now makes me furious and it was three years ago. Letting me down is one thing, letting my children down is a next level. I've learned that even if my dad is involved she can still spoil it so I don't allow that kind of thing any more.

This is similar to my upbringing- dad was an alcoholic and my mum had severe mental health issues, was sectioned several times and attempted to end her life several times, and all of this had a huge impact on my life. Both my parents are now dead, both suddenly and fairly young, years apart, and not sure I have reconciled it all - more compartmentalise it, mainly because I want to give stability to my teenagers that I never had.

sorry no help but before my mum died last year, I was quite low contact to preserve my mental health, not easy whichever way you deal with it.

If her and my dad weren't together anymore I'd never see her. I feel a bit bad though as he likes seeing the kids, is great with them and they love him. He has to be with her as she can't be on her own so they come as a pair.
DS hates my mum, always has, my DD doesn't mind her too much.
Every time she's foul I vow never to see her again then my dad gets in touch and the cycle starts again. The last time I saw her I was just chatting to my dad about something harmless and she started telling me to shut up. She's bats but it's not exactly pleasant to be around.
One thing it is does give me is an appreciation of my MIL. She's a great granny, good fun and looks after everyone. All the things I never had.

I just wanted to check in to say that your post resonated with me, even though my situation was mercifully easier.

My mum was neglected by her own parents badly, and abused by her first husband. As a five year old, I recall that her standard chat in the car was to monologue about the abuse she suffered at her parents and husband's hands.

In lots of ways we had an idyllic childhood, because of the place we grew up in, and because she could pull it out of the bag with big occasions. But that didn't make up for the mercurial nature of every day, being parentified, and learning way too young about bad things in the world.

This sounds like an incredibly difficult and challenging situation.

The “key event” you describe three years ago with leaving the event early - it doesn’t sound like it was a big deal, and it seems your daughter wasn’t upset. But understandably you’re still processing a lot of grief and trauma from your childhood, which is why you’re still so angry about it all this time later. It seems like counseling could be helpful in giving you a space to process so that you don’t let the anger take up so much of your energy.

I actually hate her but again, that's not healthy.

I disagree. It is unhealthy to try and suppress legitimate feelings. You have every right to feel hatred towards the way she treated you. Okay, a lot of it was due to her poor mental health, but you are allowed to hate that too. It was the cause of your suffering.

You need to allow yourself to acknowledge your feelings, and say that yes, you can feel hatred if you want to. They are your feelings, and you are entitled to them. Once you have accepted that, you can then begin to move on.

Bottling your emotions up and suppressing them is never good for your own mental health.

I think it's a bit like those 'glass by the dishwasher' that women with useless husbands described on another thread. Not the end of the world, but utterly typical of what she's like. Who cares if a four year old is disappointed, it was just about what she wanted. She wanted to go home so that was that.
It was going round little stalls culminating in a big surprise one at the end, so if you didn't go to the final one it was kind of pointless.

Your mother poisoned your childhood and now she's poisoning your adulthood. It sounds like you can't process the past because it's groundhog day all the time. If you don't want her in your life then you should be able to avoid her for your own mental welfare.

You say your Mum can't be left alone so does your Dad have no respite from her? Is there a carer who could be with your Mum while Dad visits you? Is there a respite centre your Mum can go to so your Dad is free for time with you?

Hatred is a feeling that masks other feelings. So I suggest you look into those. Also suggest you find out about your mother's own upbringing. It helped me with my rage towards my mum, to finally see the neglected and pushed and used girl had been, growing up herself. In my case my mum improved greatly from her own mothering, and I was a better mum to my own kids than mine was to me. Look up generational trauma.

She has carers but the problem is that she needs sitters really, and she's so horrible to them that they end up not wanting to look after her anymore. She had a respite centre but one of them stopped allowing her to come and the other one she refused to go anymore.
The system is just awful to people in my dad's position. She should be in care but they say she has the capacity to decide (high debateable imo), and she wouldn't stay. So my dad is stuck, unless he leaves her. Which my 11 year old regularly tells him to do.

Are you wanting your friends to „get it“ as this will validate that your parents behaviour was awful? I completely understand why if you do.

but no one needs to validate it, you don’t need to prove anything. I’d still suggest counselling. It may be that some of your friends had awful upbringings but they may not want to talk about it so just use the old mothers eh??