Trying to let go of anger with my mum

[Duvetday1]

It would be amazing to get some practical help here from people who have been through the same thing. All my life my mum has suffered with severe mental illness. In and out of hospital; resulting in what I honestly think was neglect of my sister and I. We did have my dad around, but I think he didn't realise how bad it was - he should have taken more control of things but she'd always been the SAHP so I feel like he just allowed it to fall apart.
I never wanted to have anyone round to the house as it was a mess and her behaviour was erratic, she used to turn up at the school when she was psychotic and insist on taking me home (and the school let me go - with a clearly extremely ill parent - please tell me that wouldn't happen now?!)
I used to wash my own clothes from the age of around 9 as otherwise they wouldn't get done.
I honestly can't stand her now because I think she never made any effort with the help that doctors and the support system tried to give her. I suffer from poor MH too but I do what I need to do.
Recently I said to her that she was a neglectful parent and she said rubbish you were very spoiled. Which is an absolute lie - I don't think anyone would think we were spoiled in any way. My sister has type 1 diabetes and my mum is a martyr about it and says she did everything which again is not true. My sister learned to manage it herself.
Every time there is an event she manages to spoil it. I think she does it on purpose although I don't know why. She doesn't care about her grandchildren. A total lack of empathy maybe?
My sister feels the same as me but somehow it doesn't get to her as much.

Does anyone know of any supportive organisations who would actually understand my situation? Friends are hopeless; they just say 'oh poor her; she was ill'. If she'd been an alcoholic perhaps more people would get it, because many of my experiences were similar from what I can read about.
I feel so annoyed with her and it honestly isn't healthy. Advice anyone?

I started counselling after severe PND. They quickly moved me to a new counsellor who specialised in psychological child abuse. I had an extended course with her and it really helped. Remember, you shouldn't compare your coping abilities with your sisters. Despite living in the same home, she will have had a different experience than you. I'm one of four and whilst we all carry the weight of our childhood, the experiences, attitudes and manifestations of our upbringing are wildly different. Partly to do with our she's, partly our sexes, partly our personalities. Please don't write off counselling because of one bad experience.

If I was you I'd cut contact, you're not obliged to have her in your life. I'm nearly 19 years no contact with my abusive mother, it's freeing, no more dread and worry.

I try to minimise it. I feel bad for my dad though. I think to an extent he's almost in an abusive relationship. He can't go out, can't do anything. When he gets carers she attacks them (literally). If he takes her out she usually wants to go home again.

I think to an extent he's almost in an abusive relationship.

I think so too, very much so - he's literally a slave to her demands, poor man.

Are there any carer support groups in his area? If he can use the internet, then that might be a help for him.

Could social services provide some advice or Age Concern? It sounds like he should have some quality respite time and I'm sure there are ways to make that happen. How old is he?

I just looked on the Age Concern website and this link might be useful:

HourglassHourglass and supports specifically older people experiencing any form of abuse. Visit their website or call 0808 808 8141. The Hourglass helpline and online chatbot are available 24/7.

If your Dad can secure some respite, he can visit you without your Mum.

I'm not sure there's any point in counselling. Nothing they say will change your upbringing. Is there any point focussing time on it, and picking over it now? It was shit. It wasn't your fault. How much more of your life going forward, do you want it to consume you. Don't let it steal any more time from you.

In our house it was my Dad who was the problem. I don't ever remember him not being an alcoholic. He ruined more family events than I can even remember, including my engagement party. Often flew in to rages, threw things, smashed glasses, went missing, threatened violence (but did not actually hit us). My Mum should have left him, but never did. She is now dead and he, at 82 is now fully reliant on me and my sister to survive. He can't do anything for himself. Thankfully, he has carers going in for the practical stuff, but all other aspects of his life are handled by us. Maybe one difference is that he was always remorseful and full of shame after ruining things. He has now been sober for 10 months, because he's been told he will die if he drinks again. He's now quite pleasant but it's too little, too late really.

Honestly, I would not do any socialising with your Mum. I know it's hard to go NC, because of your Dad, so I'd limit it to half hour visits for a coffee and catch up, maybe once a week (or less), and leave it at that. Nothing good will come of anything more. Draw a line under it, move on, and know that you are a better parent than she could ever be. Your children deserve 100% of your focus, and I wouldn't let your Mum steal any of that focus away from them. Enough is enough.

Your dad didn’t protect you when he should have, which is common in these scenarios. Go very low contact with your mum and focus entirely on healing from your trauma. Talk therapy doesn’t help particularly so investigate specific trauma focused therapies and do them, one after the other until you find one that helps you move forward. Make this your priority otherwise the years will drift on and you’ll be stuck in the post traumatic fog.

Once you have healed you can re evaluate your relationship with your mum and bring forgiveness and compassion. But you can’t do that while you are still on survival mode yourself and running on a deficit. You will get through this, but for the time being park your mum and dad and put your needs over theirs.