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Original poster

Child not allowed to play with DD

34 replies

Lisamargot · 28/02/2024 09:40

DD (6) is in Y1 in a girls private prep (15 in the class). We moved her half way through Reception from a local primary. She is absolute perfection at school in terms of behaviour , super kind to everyone and doing well academically. However she does have some quircks (flappy hands - doesn't do that anymore now, gets excited about silly things and has a few odd things about her basically). In Reception she hadn't quite made any friends in her class however she played with older girls at the time and then in Y1 she became friends with a girl in her class (let's call her Wendy).

Wendy is very fond of DD, tells her she loves her and hugs her a lot. DD loves her too and they play with each other every day. Wendy is super bright, very advanced with everything academically but also boisterous and gets in trouble with her teachers sometimes.

I started thinking about arranging a playdate sometime but I can see Wendy's mum avoids me. She does say hello but my gut has been telling me for a while she doesn't like us. We barely ever talk and it's quite clear she's not interested.

DD told me this morning that Wendy's mum told Wendy she doesn't like her playing with DD and that she should make other friends. DD doesn't understand why but says Wendy still wants to be her friend.

I'm devastated really because this isn't the first time a parent does that. (When she was at the state school there was another girl we used to meet a lot for playdates and then she stopped and didn't want to meet us anymore).

I do understand that DD may appear a bit odd with her little quirks (we are not aware of any SEN yet) but she's not harming anyone, she's very kind and sweet and lively and bright and my heart aches for her.

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1312 · 28/02/2024 09:46

I'm so sorry, your dd must have been really upset.

This has happened before? Seems so strange! Is there some other detail like maybe you have an odd-seeming husband and that's why they don't want to do playdates at your place?

I just can't imagine wanting my kids to avoid a classmate just for flappy hands and odd behaviour. Does your dd ever push/shove?

Do you feel able to speak to Wendy's mum about it? Not in a confrontational way

Merrow · 28/02/2024 09:46

Is it possible that your DD / Wendy have misunderstood? I know that the school raised concerns with my sister in Yr1 as her daughter only played with one other child, and while they played well together the teacher was concerned that they were isolated from the other children.

Edited to add: the message was that my sister should encourage her DD to play with others as well, but I can easily see how my niece could have misinterpreted that as "don't play with X".

Original poster
Lisamargot · 28/02/2024 09:49

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/02/2024 09:46

I'm so sorry, your dd must have been really upset.

This has happened before? Seems so strange! Is there some other detail like maybe you have an odd-seeming husband and that's why they don't want to do playdates at your place?

I just can't imagine wanting my kids to avoid a classmate just for flappy hands and odd behaviour. Does your dd ever push/shove?

Do you feel able to speak to Wendy's mum about it? Not in a confrontational way

DD just said Wendy told her her mum doesn't like her playing with DD but that Wendy still loves her and wants to be her friend.

I really don't know how to approach this. DD never pushed or done anything to anyone, she's very gentle. I think she's the best behaved girl in the class, some of the girls there are really boisterous.

OP posts:

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BodenCardiganNot · 28/02/2024 09:50

I'd speak to the teacher and ask for advice.

Original poster
Lisamargot · 28/02/2024 09:51

Merrow · 28/02/2024 09:46

Is it possible that your DD / Wendy have misunderstood? I know that the school raised concerns with my sister in Yr1 as her daughter only played with one other child, and while they played well together the teacher was concerned that they were isolated from the other children.

Edited to add: the message was that my sister should encourage her DD to play with others as well, but I can easily see how my niece could have misinterpreted that as "don't play with X".

Edited

I always tell DD that she should play with others too and to be honest DD has introduced Wendy to some of her older friends and they play as a group a lot.

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 28/02/2024 09:52

Oh for goodness sake, some people! No personal experience of this but dictating who her child should and shouldn't be friends with is not setting her up for a happy life....very controlling and unkind.

I'd probably mention this to the teacher (bet they all love parents like her!) to see if there is anything they can do to help your daughter to settle and make other friends.

Original poster
Lisamargot · 28/02/2024 09:52

BodenCardiganNot · 28/02/2024 09:50

I'd speak to the teacher and ask for advice.

Thank you. I got parents evening next week so I'll bring this up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisamargot · 28/02/2024 09:54

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 28/02/2024 09:52

Oh for goodness sake, some people! No personal experience of this but dictating who her child should and shouldn't be friends with is not setting her up for a happy life....very controlling and unkind.

I'd probably mention this to the teacher (bet they all love parents like her!) to see if there is anything they can do to help your daughter to settle and make other friends.

I'm quite upset really, I never ever told DD who to play or not to play with. DD is very settled now and like I said in my PP she has other friends in the school, so if Wendy stops being her friend she will have others to play with.

OP posts:
mollyfolk · 28/02/2024 09:55

This child may only talk about your child and seem very obsessed with them. It might be something that is completely to do with them and nothing to do with your child. I’d go in and talk to the teacher and tell her about it.

Original poster
Lisamargot · 28/02/2024 09:56

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/02/2024 09:46

I'm so sorry, your dd must have been really upset.

This has happened before? Seems so strange! Is there some other detail like maybe you have an odd-seeming husband and that's why they don't want to do playdates at your place?

I just can't imagine wanting my kids to avoid a classmate just for flappy hands and odd behaviour. Does your dd ever push/shove?

Do you feel able to speak to Wendy's mum about it? Not in a confrontational way

She's never met my husband. I do the school run (mostly) and the b-day parties so I don't think she had a chance to meet him.

OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 28/02/2024 09:59

Ah op how hurtful for you and your little girl. And how strange. If it was me, I actually don’t think I would ask the mum but I would talk to the teacher as others said just to ask is there anything you don’t know about? It just seems so strange to ask her not to be her friend over what sounds on the face like nothing!

Original poster
Lisamargot · 28/02/2024 10:01

mollyfolk · 28/02/2024 09:55

This child may only talk about your child and seem very obsessed with them. It might be something that is completely to do with them and nothing to do with your child. I’d go in and talk to the teacher and tell her about it.

It could be that, I don't know. (On a side note Wendy said to DD recently that she shouldn't marry a boy when she's older, she should marry her). It could be a little co-dependency there which I don't necessarily like but I'd never stop DD playing with Wendy, as well encouraging her to play with others too.

OP posts:
FizzyWizzyBubbles · 28/02/2024 10:01

I'd be speaking to the mum. Just mention what's been said and can she clarify.

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/02/2024 10:02

If it's not your dd's behaviour, then the only other thing I can think of is maybe they're snobs and they don't like where you live or something like that. Which is really not ok ofc but some people are like that

GN637 · 28/02/2024 10:02

This is horrible and I'm sorry you're going through it. My dc have all had the same as did I as a child. It sounds like your daughter might well be on the spectrum and neurotypical people seem to have some kind of radar that tells them we are different and to avoid us. It's shit, it really is. Of course there might be another reason but from my own experience and that of my ND friends it sounds like it could be. Definitely speak to the teacher (although in my experience they are clueless to ND in girls and missed me, and my two DDs being ND) and see if he or she knows anything that might explain in. I hope things improve for your Dd.

Original poster
Lisamargot · 28/02/2024 10:02

Yummymummy2020 · 28/02/2024 09:59

Ah op how hurtful for you and your little girl. And how strange. If it was me, I actually don’t think I would ask the mum but I would talk to the teacher as others said just to ask is there anything you don’t know about? It just seems so strange to ask her not to be her friend over what sounds on the face like nothing!

Yes, definitely I'll speak to the teacher next week. I'm upset about it and the fact that DD had to hear this.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 28/02/2024 10:03

Could you talk to the teacher and see what they've observed in school?

It could be that this mum has unfairly got an issue with your DC, or it could be that Wendy is playing almost exclusively with your DC and her mum is concerned that she's not broadening her friendships, or she's noticed Wendy is disproportionately attached to your DC, or Wendy has come home upset about something/said something that's left Mum feeling some distance might be helpful.

Original poster
Lisamargot · 28/02/2024 10:04

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/02/2024 10:02

If it's not your dd's behaviour, then the only other thing I can think of is maybe they're snobs and they don't like where you live or something like that. Which is really not ok ofc but some people are like that

I do find a lot of people around here where we live a bit snobbish. I did think of that too, very possible.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 28/02/2024 10:04

I would encourage my child to play with lots of children, I see no need to speak to the teacher nor the parents of the child

I don't see why it has to be a drama, what a child relays may not be totally accurate

YouTulip · 28/02/2024 10:05

This all sounds a bit overly intense to me about a pair of six year olds. If you’d like the other child over for a play date, what about having a couple more children as well to dilute things a bit? Plus the other mother may be keener if she’s aware other children are going, if her issue is not wanting her daughter to be locked 8nto some exclusive friendship.

Original poster
Lisamargot · 28/02/2024 10:10

Thank you everyone. I don't want to make a huge thing about it, it's just that we had a similar experience in her previous school so it's not the first time.

Just wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this and how did you go about it.

I would not approach the mum, she doesn't owe me anything, I'm just a little upset for DD to be told that her friend's mum doesn't want her playing with DD.

OP posts:
Jellycats4life · 28/02/2024 10:10

GN637 · 28/02/2024 10:02

This is horrible and I'm sorry you're going through it. My dc have all had the same as did I as a child. It sounds like your daughter might well be on the spectrum and neurotypical people seem to have some kind of radar that tells them we are different and to avoid us. It's shit, it really is. Of course there might be another reason but from my own experience and that of my ND friends it sounds like it could be. Definitely speak to the teacher (although in my experience they are clueless to ND in girls and missed me, and my two DDs being ND) and see if he or she knows anything that might explain in. I hope things improve for your Dd.

I was about to post exactly the same thing. The overall quirkiness, hand flapping and preference for older kids is very common in autism.

It’s worth keeping this at the forefront of your mind. I’m sure your gut reaction will be to say “oh no, there’s no way, she’s really social and loving and makes great eye contact” but I would have said the same thing about my daughter in year 1. By year 3 it was more obvious that she wasn’t keeping up socially, I started researching autism in girls and the penny dropped. She was diagnosed in year 4.

Original poster
Lisamargot · 28/02/2024 10:11

Jellycats4life · 28/02/2024 10:10

I was about to post exactly the same thing. The overall quirkiness, hand flapping and preference for older kids is very common in autism.

It’s worth keeping this at the forefront of your mind. I’m sure your gut reaction will be to say “oh no, there’s no way, she’s really social and loving and makes great eye contact” but I would have said the same thing about my daughter in year 1. By year 3 it was more obvious that she wasn’t keeping up socially, I started researching autism in girls and the penny dropped. She was diagnosed in year 4.

Show quote history

Yes, ASD is on my radar, definitely!

OP posts:
NoOrdinaryMorning · 28/02/2024 10:18

Yeah our neighbours won’t allow their DD to play with mine as she has ASD

frozendaisy · 28/02/2024 10:22

Some parents only want the "right" in their minds friends for their precious perfect offspring.

Take some comfort in that the other girl told her what her mum said and build resilience in your daughter to be friends with whomever she likes and not to take it to heart if friendships wane.

It will be ok.